Liveblogging...Drinking....Election 2008

9:03, I'm stuck with CNN, smirnoff and peanut butter M&Ms in my hotel room. Pennsylvania went blue, which should ease Doug's mind. Yay for not being the bitter racists they all said you were, cousin! Also Minnesota, and Warner in Virginia which is not surprising but awesome nonetheless. Now they're using some stupid touch screens to show exit poll demos. Turns out people don't care about race? Wonkette has something about a bull being slaughtered in Kenya if Barack wins. Fuck the cow.

9:06 Dude, we got the senate. woohoo! Now everyone is talking about race, and some guy is saying "the world has to love us now", and everyone is agreeing. The black guy will save us from the angry communists! These people are blathering about race with no real sincerity behind it. "It appears people worked thru their racial issues" and decided they'd still rather have the black than the republican. Another guy just said if republicans can't beat a lunatic like Al Franken, then they're in bad shape. True dat. Wow, what if Franken wins?

Carville is a lizard monster from He-man.

9:12 Why does it seem that Anderson Cooper is hosting a VH1 reality show? Fuck you Georgia.

9:14 Kerry won Mass again. Good for him I guess. But he's just gonna leave anyway to be in the administration. My channel lineup has only CNN, but Dirty Jobs is on the next one up. And its appropriate, cause they're in a salt mine, and also Kerry is made of salt.

9:18 So the Dems are sweeping the senate so far. And remember how I railed against the electoral college 8 years ago? Yeah, I take it back.

9:12 How would Gergen do on Tila Tequila I wonder? I think Borger would kick his ass, she looks like she likes her tequila straight. Oops, unintended pun.

When Anderson Cooper says "We have another projection to make", he narrows his eyes like a gunfighter.

9:24 Hank Williams is getting more screen time than he ever deserved. Republicans like bad music.

9:26 I lied. I guess I also get Fox News. Yippee. The anchor looks like he has already died, and was reanimated just for his contractual obligation. Nicole Wallace has obviously had her cheeks stapled in prep for this night. Wow, Nicole is really throwing in the towel here. She just called McCain scrappy. I wonder how she's not crying discussing Pennsylvania. I would at least be tearing up if I had spent so much time working on this damn campaign.

9:29 What the hell is Prop 2?

9:30 I love you Ohio. I miss you, I love you, I will never talk smack about you again. Oh, Ohio, how I long to see you right now....You're the best. I'm crying just thinking about how much I love you, really.

9:31 Also you, New Mexico. You're more than just a pretty face.

9:33 Oh, Prop 2 is something where Austin City Council is forbidden from trying to lure in retail development or redevelopment with financial incentives. Wow.

9:35 I just noticed I have a lot of bruises on my legs. Ah, seriously, they just referred to the headquarters of the Confederacy...

9:37 Katie Couric's election coverage set is just, blah. Really, it's like it was a challenge on Top Design, do this set with only 20 dollars. But thank god the other channels are joining in now

9:39, YES Kenya Coverage. Kenyans still read newspapers! I wish I was at that party. Why is it that all of Kenya feels related to Obama?

9:40 yes we know that Texas went to McCain. I could have called that 4 years ago. I miss Ohio :(

9:42 This guy is just touching this screen and giving McCain states willy nilly just to show the worst case scenario. Then he said "please, if you're out west, please for the love of god, vote" I think that's what he said. I could have misheard him, I had some tequila myself tonight.

9:44 HaHa, they're all like, hey go to CNN.com and see if YOU can come up with a way to get McCain to 270. C'mon, we dare you.

9:45 did you know Andrew Jackson could swear in two languages, English and Spanish?
Also, I just learned that birds do in fact have penises.

9:48 I wish I had BBC right now. How is it that I don't even have DECENT CABLE on election day. Seriously.

9:49 One station has McCain at 130 electoral, and another at 78?

9:50 You know if Ohio is so important to you every 4 years, why don't you fuckers stop SHITTING ON OHIO?

9:51 I think that CNN is literally sticking random opinionated people at the table, and if they don't talk enough, move them out. Cause these faces keep changing except for Borger and the 2 old white guys. Maybe this IS a reality show.

9:52 Everyone laughs at the idea of talking about Palin at all right now.

9:57 I just learned I missed a HOLOGRAM of some girl on CNN? Damnit. Also, somebody just insinuated that Obama held his rally in Grant Park because that's where Lollapalooza was.

9:59 Hey guys, Joe the Plumber doesn't represent us because WHITE America is no longer the REAL America. Hello Iowa. Go back to the closet Utah, no one wants to be mormon.

10:02 Okay, we know Obama is going to win. But what I really want to know is what kind of turnout? What's the increase in new voters? These people are going to be sharing my elections with me for the next 20 years, I'd like to know how massive this is.

10:04 Now we're being told Obama is Reagan, and not just because of the popular vote, but because Obama will be Reagan. I don't care about GOP insiders jumping off bridges please.

10:06 I guess the theme of the night now is that the Democrats are winning because they are actually Republicans.

10:08 Everyone is getting snippy with each other because the Republican strategists are being sore losers.

10:10 The argument/snippy bloodshed just ended because "all we need are nine votes on the Supreme Court" and everyone laughed. Ha Ha, that's SO FUCKING FUNNY

10:13 Brit Hume is threatening to cry. I think I will only watch Fox News from this point on. I really love all the horrible depressing AARP ads on Fox. I really hope they keep going with those after the election. Also, there was just an ad for CSX! The train company! Saying how they're cheaper than gas powered trucks! Yay for trains coming back!

10:15 Will Fox News implode on itself? Stay tuned....According to Fox, McCain has 135 electoral and Obama has 207. They must be counting the GHOST states, you know, the REAL states.

10:17 Now Brit Hume is throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Bill Kristol, who has already covered his ass by going on the Daily Show every week and making jokes about himself, is unable to make eye contact with anyone at the table. Kristol is like, wait a second, these exit polls aren't supporting that Palin had any effect on this. And now the Fox dogs are like "no, you're not asking the questions right, if they asked it the right way, it's all Palin's fault!"

10:20 OH MY GOD look at all the people in Chicago!

10:21 Brit Hume has been saying for TWO YEARS that McCain needed a Get Out The Vote drive, and he was obviously the winner before Palin, and then Palin said "fuck those votes" and she is a evil crazy criminal who only speaks to poor crazy appalachia women, who are evil.

10:23 Doug was telling me I need to look at Nebraska's electoral system, cause it's all weird, and I agree. Not right now though.

10:26 Is it weird that I miss MSNBC right now? I want Olbermann and Matthews...I want to see Matthews cry tears of joy...It is absolutely impossible for me to get any kind of Obama love right now from anyone.

10:29 Now Obama didn't win the white vote, but it doesn't matter because he got the Latino vote, the black vote, and the youth vote (and none of those youth are white at all). And they are proud of the youth, because instead of the stupid violent youth in the 60s, this youth is rebelling within the system! He's the first "post civil right movement baby" to become President. You know, it's because he knows how to use the internet right?

10:34 Wonkette just speculated a new Tory based political party....Everyone on Fox sounds sedated, and kind of like they wish they could just stop talking. They also keep saying that "some people thought this wouldn't work" and "some people thought the Jews wouldn't vote for him". Some people huh?
God, Fox is just unwatchable. Its fine to hate them when you think they are working, but when they are losing? It's so pathetic to be stupid mean and a loser.

10:37 Another hologram! Of the Senate building! Campbell Brown is sitting at the table in front of it, but she has to look at the TV screens to see it, and she looks uncomfortable.

10:39 We will probably not get the necessary fillibuster blockers...If Franken wins, I am deleting this blog and running for office in Wyoming.

10:42 Please Please Please get to 11 already. I want to fall asleep to a concession speech. My mother sends all her emails with the subject heading: Momogram.

10:46 Will.I.Am is getting "beamed to you, like in Star Trek" from Grant Park. His mom is proud of him for inspiring people to vote. The Yes We Can video. CNN is interviewing Will.I.Am thru hologram about his youtube video. What the fuck.

10:48 I just saw a Norfolk Southern Commercial! People do realize that coal is dirty too right?

10:50 The music for Fox New Election sounds like the really dangerous part of an action movie where the hero is about to fall of the ledge.

10:51 The Fox news touch screen is defective, and OBAMA WON VIRGINIA. But like the Barbie doll points out, it's just because that dumb state has too many black people. And stupid independents who are swung too easily. He still lost with the white voters, who are the ones who count.

10:53 The Republicans have to go back to being the "reform" party. They need to apply their "timeless principles" to "big ideas" and "clean their house" Ha Ha, the Democrats HAVE cleaned your house, bitches. And your principles had a time, it was 120 years ago. Also, try electing Congressmen who don't embarrass you all the time by being inarticulate bastards. This guy just warned about the "Europeanization of America".

10:56 Call It! Call It! Call It!

10:57 "If Obama wins tonight, it will be the fifth consecutive presidential election where the nominee with the better war record lost".

10:58 Anderson steels his gaze....yes we know about Virginia. C'MON. At least they said "LBJ" instead of "LBA" like Barbie.
AND YES.
BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

10:59 Everyone in Grant Park starts having sex with each other.