Thursday, July 19, 2007

Rainy Thursday

It feels very quiet and doomy outside. Somebody on livejournal said it feels like it must be raining everywhere. I'm actually glad its dark outside, because I'm off today. Usually on my off days I just want to sit around and read all day, and cook. But when its sunny, it feels like I should be motivated and hyperactive. The sun is a big giant guilt trip. Rainy days afford me a little fat girl relief.

Today I've done nothing for the past four hours but read Fitzgerald short stories and squish the cat with various body parts. Now I'm going hunting for baguettes, prosciutto ,and pecans.

Christopher Walken was on the Daily Show recently, and he said "The only reason I'm a good cook is because I can afford expensive ingredients." Amen Mr. Walken. Reading the Food sections of the NYT and LA Times is my version of Entertainment Tonight. For dinner today we'll be having prosciutto and tomato sandwiches, spinach pecan salad, and some desert yet to be determined by the trip to Galluci's.

It would be far more impressive if I was making this dinner for my boyfriend in a clean house though :(

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Will it Blend?

What I find really cool about this is how the iphone is actually made up of evil black essences. Souls of the consumers? What exactly is Steve Jobs?

Saturday, July 7, 2007

The word monster does not lose its flavor no matter how many times you chew it

I am a monster. This is about my life as a monster.

Item #1 Where Do Monsters Come From?

Monsters come from many different places. Some monsters were created at the beginning of time. There are not many of these ancient monsters left. Or they may all be left. There is no way to tell, because these monsters live by themselves in deep dank places, and have learned to stay away from harm.

Some monsters are born from a mistake. Usually they have human parents who have done something really, really wrong. Some unnatural act, like fucking an animal, breeding things that are enemies, or eating another human. Don’t monsters eat humans too? Yes, but we are not human ourselves. So it’s okay.

The last kind of monster is an accident. This kind of monster is created randomly, through no one else’s fault or mistake. They are just there one day.

This is the kind that gets killed the most.

Item #2 Where Do Monsters Live?

I live in an apartment in Cleveland. Lots of other monsters, I suspect, do too. But sometimes, if a monster is really successful at hiding its nature, it can save up and buy a house. Or eat the person that owns the house, and live there.

The really lucky monster lives in a cave far away from other people and things. But there are not a lot of uninhabited caves left, and travel is expensive.

Item #3 What Makes You A Monster?

Monsters come in many shapes and sizes, but they all have a few traits in common. First, a monster usually has to do something considered evil to survive. Some monsters have to eat virgins. Some have to sell insurance. People would argue that these monsters have a choice of other things to do to live, but then, they are people, and wouldn’t understand.

Second, no monster has the ability to be happy. In movies and stories, monsters are often portrayed as being happy to gobble and smash things. This is a lie. Monsters who gobble and smash may think they are happy, but they are just satisfied. Satisfaction is not the same as happiness. A true monster is never happy because they know they are a monster, and they will always be lonely. Monsters have no friends because they have either eaten them, or driven them away so they won’t eat them later. Monsters are not stupid (to be discussed further on), and they recognize their personality flaws. Also, you cannot convert a monster. There have been occasions in which monsters have been domesticated or housebroken. This is lie. These monsters are merely acting according to what provides them the best meal, and will turn on their “owners” in a moment if the opportunity seems better. I AM NOT A TAME MONSTER.

Lastly, all monsters are ugly. They all have disfiguring qualities, like spots, warts, scales, or scary oversized teeth. I personally am covered in lovely purple lesions, that camouflage me in the forest, like a leopard or a giraffe. If you see someone you suspect is a monster, but who seems too pretty, look very closely at them when it begins to get dark or right at sunrise. Be prepared to run away.

Item #4 What Do Monsters Eat?

Monsters will eat lots of different things. Some monsters will only eat seafood. Others are allergic to wheat. Usually monsters can only eat things raw or else fried very hard.

I am a dairy monster.

Item #5 Why Do Monsters Hate Us?

Monsters do not have the capability to hate anything. In order to do that, you have to be capable of loving something, and monsters cannot be happy so they do not understand love. Most monsters understand that the world is just the way it was made, and hate and love have very little to do with what happens in it. Nothing at all, in fact. This is why monsters have survived all these years, because they just keep doing what they were born to do, despite the best efforts of princes and peasants. A monster doesn’t care if you hate it. It shrugs, and thinks “well, there you have it.”

Monsters are realistic creatures.
They don’t believe in God, or government, or Hallmark.

Item #6 What Should I Do If A Monster Catches Me?

A monster will usually first off kidnap you and confine you in a very small space, or in chains. At this point you have about 24 hours to live, if they intend to eat you. The monster will talk to you about how it will eat you. Monsters are lonely, so they enjoy feedback. DO NOT TRY TO RELATE TO THE MONSTER. You cannot possibly understand how a monster thinks. This is why it’s a monster and not a human being. If you convince the monster to open up to you, it will simply get so worked up that it will end up eating you sooner as comfort food.

Instead, attempt to distract the monster with flattery. If that fails, which is likely, next try to point its attention to something more tasty, like the fat little neighbor boy. Or tell it about a girl you are in love with. Monsters will immediately want to devour anything you love, just to see how you react.

If there is nothing you love either, then shut the hell up and be thankful for the easy out.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Spots! I have Spots!

Spots is not the correct word. Lesions is more like it. Welts from the invisible karmic whip.

I look like a mangy labratory mouse. I am a mess of dark red rashes and pox. My mouth is a locker room fungus.

When I walk out in public I feel afraid. Shunned. People have actually been standing further away from me, keeping their children on their other side.

Meaning, its pretty bad.

But they don't know what it is. "They" think its a drug reaction to penicillin. "They" think its Steven Johnson Syndrome. "They" "they" "they".


Everyone reading this should feel very lucky that I don't have the cable with me to download the digital camera.

Very lucky.

Also, I would like to thank everyone in the West Blvd/Belair neighborhood for your wonderful display of firepower Wedns. night. I couldn't go anywhere because of my plague, and I was quite bummed. However the local fireworks were AMAZING, and they were right over my head, and from the patio we could see all over the neighborhood. I don't know how you have so much money to spend on fireworks since you live here, or maybe I've answered my own question. But it was way better than the lake, since it was so close, and also went on for a good three hours. And I didn't hear a single fire engine or police siren the whole night, so way to play it safe y'all.