Bridget Callahan is Your Best Friend

So I'm back home now. And it turns out you can't throw a drink in anyone's face anymore without everyone in Lakewood knowing about it.




So I smoke a lot of cigarettes and watch bad tv while my cat claws me to pieces cause I left her alone too long. Why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep fucking Sean when I know I'm going to be hurt burned eviscerated by him, and why do it when I hate him so much? And why does he do it when he hates me so much, and tries like hell to stay away? It's been our whole relationship, which goes beyond familial or romantic or friendship, into the realm of Russian tragedy. Tearing ourselves to pieces and then trying to mend it, but failing. Always trying, again and again. Our families hate us. Our friends hate us. We hate us. Oh god, it never really stops. He comes around to me, or I go to him. It's a magnetic steady detoriation of the ties that bind.



When you can't actively love someone, it's better to actively hate them, than to have them gone from your life forever, blank over done. And if we stop giving each other reasons to hate the other one, then eventually we'll have to stop the interaction altogether, and just start living life without them. It's an apocalyptic thought. One of us will do it for real one of these times, will just separate and go away and not come back. But it probably isn't going to be me. It's probably going to be him and it's maybe already done. I did cover him with pineapple juice, in front of people. Wish I could tell you it was me that was the sensible one, but it was never going to be, and anyway you all knew that before we even got started, seven years ago when the shit hit the fan. You all knew I was screwed, and he was screwed. It was inevitable we would both be destroyed by the purely natural preordained completely unavoidable sometimes quite enjoyable combustion. I tried, remember? I cut the bloody cord months ago. Its just I keep trying to tie it back together now, cause I feel like I'm bleeding to death. And I'm tired of saying "one" "other" "us" "hate" "love" "fuck" "always" "probably". I sound like the margin doodles on a high school copy of Jane Eyre.



I feel so old, because I am old. I feel like I can't possibly build something with another person again, it's too much energy and process and frankly I just give up thinking I need to move on from this. Even the focus required to distract myself is too much. I'm just gonna stop trying to be strong or smart or crazy or justified or vengeful or independent. I'm just gonna be nothing for a while. And watch Numbers. Which is seriously the worst show on television.