Following a theme

Things I Doubt:

1. I doubt that I understand anybody. I harbor suspicion that I am oblivious to lots of things about people that I should be noticing and appreciating. Craziness especially. What if nobody is really who I think they are? What if I am very delusional, and you all are completely different than I think you are?

2. I doubt that anyone understands me. Sure, I know my friends and family love me, but love is so subjective. They love parts of me that relate to them. Do any of them see the full complete picture of me? I feel extremely see-through, and I'm not exactly discreet. But maybe I feel that way cause I'm with myself all the time. What's it like to only experience me broken into small distinct pieces? What about me do they really dislike? Why do I only feel whole and secure when I'm by myself? But the reason this is a doubt and not a fact is because maybe, possibly, everyone understands me perfectly and I'm not that complicated.

3. I doubt that I've ever really loved anybody or anything the way other people love things. This doubt can be overshadowed by gas clouds of drunken happiness, but in reality, I could leave tomorrow and if there was someone else to fill their places, I would be okay. I would miss them. But as long as I stay distracted by new things, I'm fine. Do my friends who get this about me understand that it doesn't make them any less valuable to me now? Does everyone feel this way about people?

4. I doubt that I am pretty. Because I am fat. But I see myself as very pretty, so you know, this is more related to #2.

5. I doubt that I am smart. Because so much that goes through my head seems to be repetition, and also increasingly negative. And I doubt that a smart girl would give any of these useless nasty thoughts any room to grow, but I do, because they're more entertaining than television. Also, when I go to open mikes, I tell everyone how good they were. And I mean it. Which doesn't seem like the smartest thing. It seems like a dumb girl thing to do. Some guy on Tuesday told me I was a "good soul". Since I know that I am very much so NOT that, it makes me think that I must come off as dumb and nice to these people, cause isn't that what you say to dumb nice girls who smile too much when drunk guys are talking to them? Or it's what you say to ugly girls. Also I use the word "that" too much.

6. I doubt that I am ever going to live a life more interesting than this. Even though I know my life changes constantly, and I just need to say yes to some things I have previously said no to. But it seems like so much effort now. It seems like I could stay in this apartment forever, at this job forever, doing the same Cleveland things. Most of the time I have faith that I won't, that I will find something else to do, but....well its winter. Winter makes me see everything as permanent.

7. I doubt I will ever go back to school. I highly doubt it. I know I should, if only for my intellectual health. But it takes so much money and work. I consider paying off my car to be my biggest accomplishment lately. And the only effort that required was paying my bill on time for three years. If something like a car payment can be so hard and stressful on me, how could I ever do something bigger than that? I am a child.

8. I doubt my own sanity. Sometimes I feel like I must be mentally retarded in some subtle way. Other times I feel completely disconnected, floating in loose space around a Sims game, an abandoned character. In fact, most of the time I am vacillating between one of those two things. Every once in a while, I feel controlled and powerful and magnetic. Those are the only times I feel confident in my sanity, when I can talk to people and really be in the moment and not playing some weird part. But I haven't figured out how to leave that mode on full time. And I can feel my skill at faking that slipping away as I get older.

9. I doubt the level of trashiness in my life. I try hard to not be trashy. But maybe I have been all along? Or I'm descending into it? Trashy people don't know they're trashy, do they? I mean, they must have some clue, otherwise we wouldn't have country music stars. But what if I'm just poor dirty uneducated opinionated trashy? I really like Britney Spears.

10. All of the above combine to make me doubt my superiority over the rest of the human race. But then I remember that the guys who have loved me have been smart, interesting guys. And my friends continue to be my friends despite my perpetual boy drama, and inane ridiculous statements, and inability to call them. And in five years I will read this list and go "oh my god, HOW 29 is THAT". And if I work it correctly, I have at least 50 years left to prove to some segment of the population how much more talented than them I am. I'm just a slow learner when it comes to things that aren't on tests. I'm a baby, really. I'm an adolescent mind. The gestation period for my brilliance is just a little bit longer than the average human. I'm Apple, twenty years ago. Invest now.