Monday, March 26, 2007

Stogies come from covered wagons, fogies come from...

So lately I've been feeling less like a girl and more like what you see here. Bad hair, bad skin, the Progressive 50 (which is like the freshman 15, only older and more call center like).

But today! Today is wonderful and smells nice and feels nice and on top of all that, my 21 year old trainer at work tells me he's shocked, SHOCKED I say, to find out that I'm not his age. And that I look "pretty damn good". Which could be construed as bad, since exactly how old does he think 27 is? but I'll take it.

So now I feel more like this:

The one in the barrel that is.

I wanted to say something more to him, but it would have all sounded caustic, even though I didn't mean to be. He was just being nice I guess. But before he found this out he was being totally cool and I'm worried that now he'll see me as some old fogie. According to, here's the definition of fogie. Read the last one especially....

fogie - Collaborative International Dictionary of English v.0.48 :

Fogie \Fo"gie\, n.
See Fogy.
[1913 Webster]

Fogy \Fo"gy\, n.; pl. Fogies.
1. A dull old fellow; a person behind the times,
over-conservative, or slow; -- usually preceded by old; an
old fogy. [Written also fogie and fogey.] [Colloq.]
[1913 Webster]

Notorious old bore; regular old fogy. --Thackeray.
[1913 Webster]

Note: The word is said to be connected with the German vogt,
a guard or protector. By others it is regarded as a
diminutive of folk (cf. D. volkje). It is defined by
Jamieson, in his Scottish Dictionary, as "an invalid or
garrison soldier," and is applied to the old soldiers
of the Royal Hospital at Dublin, which is called the
Fogies' Hospital. In the fixed habits of such persons
we see the origin of the present use of the term. --Sir
F. Head.
[1913 Webster]

2. (Mil.) In the United States service, extra pay granted to
officers for length of service. [Colloq.]
[Webster 1913 Suppl.]

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Photos of my cat

There are no photos of my cat here.
Or of my boyfriend.
Or my living room.
Or me being drunk with friends.
Or me having friends.
Or me looking witheringly lonesome on Myspace.

You can all thank me later for my restraint.
Or you can buy me a camera
Whatever your fancy.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

St Patrick's Day

Thank you, St. Patrick, for giving me an excuse to make a lot of corned beef and drink really cheap vodka. Also thank you for giving me R.E.M., who is the official band of St. Patrick's Day. Thank you for "Mazes and Monsters" on DVD, and the line "Beware the Sacrilege". After all, I did grow up Catholic.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Today was a Belle and Sebastian day.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Tonight I had one of those experiences where I just really sucked at a reading. I've only had one of those before, and it sucks. Sucks. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just had this horrible migraine, and nothing was going very well up to me, and yeah, it sucked. I give my friends credit though, they don't lie to me. I mean, they didn't say anything, but at least they didn't try to compliment me. People trying to be nice to you afterwards just makes everything itch, like a bad rash.

But I actually don't think the piece was bad. I think I just need to stay off the mike myself.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Most terrifying experience of this weekend

Sean and I went to Youngstown yesterday. He had a roof appointment there. I wanted to go to the Butler Art Museum. None of this is the point of this post.

After the museum, we tried to drove home, but took 680 the wrong way and after 30 minutes finally realized it. So we're passing one of those chain restaurant/mall stretches, where for mile after mile its nothing but overpriced steakhouses and italian bistros and TGI Fridays. I'm all like "Lets go to Olive Garden", cause we hadn't eaten all day and I've been to OG once in my life before. It just seemed like a strange adventure sort of thing to do for us. We never go to places like that. Cause really, in Cleveland, why would you?

Turns out that everyone in Youngstown goes to those places. At exactly 5:30 pm on Saturday.


It made me feel old, ugly, young, lucky, repulsed and repulsive, all at the same time. Suburban sprawl? Strip mall danteism? There is no appropriate word for a place like this. But there should be. It rests on the shoulders of our generation to label and separate this phenomena. Before it takes over all my road trips. Forever. We never actually made it to the restaurant because we couldn't get in the right lane. 7 times.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Hillary Rodham Clinton Is My Mom

I'm not opposed to Hillary. In fact, if certain other candidates didn't exist, I certainly would vote for her. But something always bugged me out about her and I really felt like a liberal traitor for my secret insurgent feelings in me. I would argue with my boyfriend, trying to explain why she didn't needed to be likable, she just needed to be effective.

Tonight while watching the Daily Show make fun of Ebony and Ivory for their faked southern accents during speeches in Selma, I realized where my deep, almost repressed anger at Hillary was coming from. Hillary reminds me of my mom.

I really love my mom. But like any intelligent perennially pudgy 27 year old girl can tell you, there are issues with Mom. She's a very smart, charming woman, who makes unfortunate comments every time she meets my friends. She doesn't do it maliciously, she wants them to like her. Every time. Wrong Thing.

For instance, one time I brought my friend Buddy and his boyfriend over the house. For background, my mother works with AIDS patients for the county hospital. So she's shaking hands with Sonny the boyfriend, and being nice, and everything is nice, and then? "Sonny, I think I know you. I think we've met at work." And Sonny is all, like, "Oh yeah, I used to deliver pizza to that department from down the street." Then Mom says, "No, no I don't think so..."

It's hard to defend that.

Watching Hillary speak to a crowd, you realize that what she is doing is trying to convince the people she's talking to that she is in fact one of them. That's offensive when your young mom was trying to do it in high school. It is totally unacceptable when your old grandma mom is trying it. She's talking to blacks in Selma? She's a gospel singer. She's talking to white women in Minnesota? You can almost believe that at some point she has used a jello pudding box for Bill's dessert once. And I'll tell you what, I've been completely dead certain for the past 8 years that she at one point lived a whole year on oriental flavored ramen.

All of these things might in fact have been true. At one point. But she is no longer that person. She's old. She's the kind of old that takes you out for sushi, lures you into an adult sense of self-worth, and then politely tells you how your hair needs to be cut, boys don't like you cause you dress that way, and you don't love your grandmother enough. She means well, she loves you, but she wonders how you can live like this. And believes that if she tells you firmly enough, you'll know she's serious, wake-up, and see that Hillary was right all along and you were a sweet but naive fool to ever think differently. Its okay Sweety, that's just part of growing up.

Maybe America needs to accept that Mom is almost a senior, and this too is part of growing up. But I finally managed to move out the house last year, and my instincts are too ingrained in me. Me and the millions of white girls 19-33 in this country.

No really, I'd still vote for her. I really like Bill Clinton. It's so funny, my boyfriend is just like him.

"You should not kill Captain America while we're at war"

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

The Many Uses of Vinegar

1. Vinegar prolongs the life of cut flowers. Need them to remind you of the one thing he gave you before he sliced up your heart and fed it to your dog? Just mix 2 tbsp vinegar with 3 tbsp sugar for every one quart of warm water.

2. Vinegar will kill those pesky weeds. Spray full strength on growth till the plants starve to death. Also works on high-school football fields without leaving those tell-tale lime traces.

3. Grow azaleas. Mix 1 tbsp vinegar into water. Azaleas love acidic soil.

4. Eliminate urine, feces, and vomit stains. Blot up the urine, flush with warm water, and apply equal parts vinegar and water to stain. May not work on blood. Neccesarily.

5. Vinegar will keep cats away. Simply sprinkle on area you wish them to discourage cats from walking on or sleeping on. Bet Michelle Pfeiffer wishes she had known this one.

6. Keep chickens from pecking each other. Add cider vinegar to their drinking water. A stressed hen does not lay eggs.

7. College girls, dampen your appetites! Sprinkle vinegar on prepared food to take that pesky edge off!

8. Ever drop popcorn butter on your new boots? Take grease off suede by dipping a toothbrush in vinegar and brushing the stain. Note: Does not work on I Can't Believe Its Not Butter. Or semen.

9. Told your boyfriend you quit smoking, but can't stop because of your overwhelming depression? Get the smoke smell out of your clothes by adding a cup of vinegar to a hot bath, then slit your wrists. No, just kidding. Hang your clothes over the steam.

10. If you're stuck on the African Savannah with only rotting zebra leftovers to sustain you, don't worry. Marinating meat in vinegar will kill bacteria and tenderize it. If that doesn't work, it also cures bacterial dysentery.

11. Fool your roommates for a laugh! Turn milk into buttermilk by adding a tsp of vinegar for every cup, and let sit for five minutes. Also good for office meetings.

12. Turn that dead raccoon into an entertaining and educational toy for the kids. Soak the bones in vinegar for three days. The bones turn into rubber, you supply the rubber cement.

13. Deodorize a room by leaving a bowl of vinegar out. When guests ask about smell, tell them about how vinegar was created when some Roman spoiled his wine and was too cheap to get something else for his guests.

14. Drinking vinegar will, unfortunately, not give you a miscarriage.

15. Vinegar can be used as a bloodthinner for diabetics.

16. Vinegar can help erections.

17. Vinegar can cure nail fungus.

18. Vinegar helps hemmoroids.

19. Vinegar regulates profuse menstrual bleeding.

20. Vinegar can also cure these common ailments:
Common cold
Viral hepatitis
Angina Pectoris
Vaginal Itching
Warts (flat and common)
Thyroid swelling
Night Sweats
Mouth Sores
Uterine bleeding
Hair Loss
Sweaty Feet

In Conclusion: Vinegar Saves you Money! Vinegar Saves You Time! Vinegar Helps You Lose Weight! Vinegar Is Safe!

My rejection letter from Pitchfork magazine

Ms Callahan,

We appreciate your interest in contributing to our publication. Pitchfork is always looking for dynamic, talented new members of our team. Unfortunately, at this time, we are unable to accept your submission. Our editors feel your particular writing style is not a good fit with readership.

A few helpful professional tips:

When submitting your work, be sure that your topic is relevant to the publication you are applying to. Pitchfork's readership is looking for exciting and intelligent reviews of new independent musical talent. Your essay, entitled "Why I Will Never Date an Indie Boy Again", would be more suited for a magazine with an female adolescent readership, like Seventeen. Also, we are sorry you feel this way.

Referring to your potential audience as a "sub-culture of pudgy, hairy, 12 year olds who just discovered their dicks" is not only an offensive statement, but has the potential to alienate.

Referring to Arcade Fire as the new Crash Test Dummies is inaccurate and betrays your ignorance of the Canadian scene. This point is driven home by your exclamation that the Weakerthans are "the best band in the world, after ELO".

Lindsey Lohan is not a credible source of insider information, and we can find no verification that she has slept with every living member of Slayer. However, you might have meant this as a metaphor. If so, we apologize, but fail to see the point.

Maintaining your journalistic objectivity is important for all non-fiction writers. It is unfair to assume that because your ex-boyfriend made you a mixtape with a large number of Air and M.Ward tracks, they must "all be homos like him."

At this point, we would ask you to seriously reconsider the direction of your writing career, and please refrain from any future submissions. Though on a personal note, we are truly horrified by your description of having sex to Kiss's Alive album, and wish the best of luck with your recovery.

Peter Blumsfeld
Pitchfork Media

Bridget, this is supposed to be your serious journal, not another livejournal fiasco.

In association with Scooter Libby's damnation, Dick Goddard referred to our snowstorm tonight as not an Arctic Clipper, more like a Saskatchewan Scooter.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I'm not folksy enough to be of use in this election

Things I would like to tell some people before they die.......

GUY AT A COMEDY SHOW: You stupid fucker, if you ever use the phrase American Pie and my sister's name in the same sentence again, I will rake you face open, bury you in my backyard, and plant tomato plants over you. I saw a movie where they did it. Don't tell me what I can't do.

TONY SNOW: I expect you to support our troops. Support them. The troops. Now.

GIRL IN THE ELEVATOR AT WORK: please don't talk to me again. You don't even work on my floor. And you don't have career advancement scrawled across your forehead, so don't act like it.

WILLIE NELSON: I love you and I would love you even more if you cut your hair.

BOB DYLAN: You know how Johnny Cash is still putting out albums, even though he's dead? Because someone thought it would be cute to act like the man in black WAS black? You don't need to do that. Really. In fact, you should go one better and stop putting out albums now.

CONOR OBERST: First of all, just because my stupid local paper decided to get cultural two years ago and call you the new Bob Dylan? Does not mean you get to spell your name with one "n". Everyone knows there are 2 "n"s in Connor. C-O-N-N-O-R. F-U-C-K-T-A-R-D. At the very most, you're the new Ian Hunter.

BOBBY FLAY: Bobby, when are you going to realize that going to some small town, gathering a whole party of your competitor's friends and family, and then coming late like some snobby big city corporate devil in your big clean truck with your sidekick blondes and mango-cilantro salsa, GUARANTEES that you are going to lose the showdown. CAUSE YOU CAN'T COOK, YOU YURIMOTO WANNABE.

RACHEL RAY: I just hate you, I hope you choke on a carrot. In thirty minutes or less.

PRINCE: Surprisingly, I'm okay with your whole "Jehovah's Witness" thing, even though I hate God. Turns out you have some prestigious colleagues. Naomi Campbell. Terrence Howard. Dwight D Eisenhower. Ja Rule. Selena. Ger Halliwell. Jill Scott. The Williams Sisters. PATTI SMITH. Okay, that one really surprised me. But you can still knock on my door and talk about god for a little bit, if you want. I have a raspberry beret I can donate. If thats what JWs do. I don't really know.

TOM CRUISE: I just want to tell you I'm really really sad for you. Really. There are no aliens. There is no Brotherhood of Masters. There are, in fact, people more attractive than you and the Beckham couple.

THE GIRL WHO PLAYS PARKMAN'S WIFE ON HEROES: You are totally a fat Katie Holmes. She lost the weight, why can't you?

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Somewhere out there are entire blogs devoted to nothing but youtube videos, and really, if I knew of a cool one? I would read it all the time.
"If Prince knocked on my door, I would talk to him about God for a little bit."

Too late for The Rentals

Had a very interesting conversation with a customer at work where we tried to bridge the language barrier of kilometers versus miles. By interesting, I mean it was humiliating for both parties. She felt stupid, I felt disenfranchised. I later learned that all car insurance in British Columbia is government run. In honor of my new found knowledge, I've set "O' Canada" as my ringtone. Unfortunately I never hear the damn thing, since the Canadian anthem is so fucking pleasantly modest.