Bridget Callahan is Your Best Friend

And it will be known as The End times, when the structure of morality shall drift apart in a thousand moonpie shards. The Princess shall join a soccer team in her youth, and stand in line for 5 hours to see the 3-D Hannah Montana movie. The Prince shall apply to the Ivy Leagues, but sadly his lack of extracurricular activities will land him in a reputable state school with a decent dragon fighting team, but a really crappy cafeteria and no parking. Jack, having slain the giant but still sold the cow, will become a small time village dealer who unsuccessfully tries to medicate his deep guilt on a nightly basis. The Witch will prosper with her new 1-900 numbers and 2am commercials, hawking youth, beauty and knowledge of future grief. The Giant, as we mentioned, will be dead, leaving the kingdom vulnerable to attacks from large prehistoric birds no one knew he was fighting in the first place. The Beast will remain a hideous terrifying mutant because he was so damn stubborn and unable to discuss his emotions with any sort of honesty. Puss in Boots will be drowned as a war criminal by an army of Lilliputians. Talking flounders will be declared illegal and non-existent, and their believers will go underground, known only by the sausage shaped prosthetics they will wear as a badge of honor. And Hamelin, Germany will need to hire a new Pied Piper., having conveniently forgotten the disastrous financial effects of the first attempt.