Friday, December 28, 2007

So I'm drunk, left work as early as I could and now the bottle of champagne is gone,
and I'm watching fucking High School Musical SING ALONG EDITION AND

There's an ad for some new Disney movie, where they're interviewing the cast and asking them what they would do if they could go back in time, and this guy who is NOT MORE than seventeen said he would totally go see the first couple COUNTING CROWS concerts.

The name of the movie? THE MINUTE MEN.


Also, this movie would be way better if Troy and Gabriella ended up dead at the end. Do they?

You know, the whole "magic" of Romeo and Juliet was that they died, and you didn't have to worry about what kind of people they were after they became a couple. They could have been the "lets get together and watch American Idol" kinda couple. I have never felt bad about them dying, like EVER. People in love SHOULD die. Its our proper place in the world.

Quote of the Day

"A junkie is someone who uses their body to tell
society that something is wrong." - Stella Adler
I just don't have the energy for longer posts these days, in between the holiday crap and drinking and hating going to work.
But just a few thoughts...

One: Last night I saw an advertisement for a show called ID: Investigation Discovery.
Let that sink in.
Now say that ten times fast and it still won't be anything but the work of the Dictionary Devil.

I wonder if police departments across the country are trying actively to come up with cooler names for themselves in the vague whitebread hope that someone will make a tv show or a Court TV movie about them.

Two: Nick Lachey wins EVERYTHING. I know I'm late on this one, but Dancing with the Stars AND Clash of the Choirs? He's a reality competition MACHINE. I'm crossing my fingers that Top Chef is next. Or the Broadway rendition of No Country For Old Men.

Three: Who the hell needs Tivo when Bravo plays the same damn two episodes of every show they've ever aired at least once a day, and sometimes twice? Was there not a new Project Runway this week? Also Bravo? I know you can do better than the Housewives of Orange County.Fucking MTV's The Hills is better than that fucking show. And they don't have your legions of design fashionistas. I mean they do, but you have better ones. Your fashionistas have better coke, classical taste, and Tim Gunn to guide them along the path to enlightenment. What does MTV have, that weird greek girl on the Pantene commercials? Puh-leese.

Four: If I had money, I would buy Scifi Channel and make it over. It is an insult to scifi fans everywhere that our genre should be associated with a channel that doesn't even have the rights to Star Trek Next Generation or Buffy. At 1 am I should be able to watch something decent, not more Stargate Atlantis.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

You know whats jolly about today? No traffic! No cops! Parking spots EVERYWHERE! Working on holidays gives me a new appreciation for population control. Empty roads, deserted streets? That's my Christmas Miracle.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Oh, I MISSED Nate.

You know how there are some friends that you have that just feel like family, even if it's family that you don't talk to for a while? Long distance relatives?

That's how I can define people who are worth being friends with, people who feel like every dysfunctional sense of the word.


Addendum: also nice? My new pots, my new bowl, my new slippers and boots and everything else, thanks guys! Also nice? The neighbors got a Wii. Its awesome. And? I got Sean a Rainbow In My Room for Christmas, and its way cooler than I thought it would be and I want twenty of them to suspend from the rafters.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Turns out there are 6 species of giraffe! They won't mate with each other in the wild, at all! They separated a million years ago! It was the Great Giraffe Riff!

But when you put them in a zoo, they "mate freely".

Discuss societal implications over cheap wine later today while fucking up the wrapping of my Christmas presents.

Friday, December 21, 2007

So yet another reason why work is unhealthy for me, besides the confinement to cubicle, constant smiling, and overabundance of electric light....

I had a dream last night where I was in high school, and I was running late to school, but in fact I was running late to work.

There was more to it than that, but that was the really disturbing part. School was a place where I only did well when in direct competition with other people. Where I was definitely a teachers pet. And where I failed to connect to all but a few of my peers due to a sense of inflated superiority, but most people liked me outwardly because of deftness at shallow meaningless bullshit. I say outwardly, because I was probably not giving them enough credit, and chances are a few of them recognized it and thought I was a condescending bitch.

And all of this is true again now at work.

But Bridget, you might say, you don't need to "connect" with your co-workers, and having the managers like you is a good thing, and competition is what corporate America is all about.

Be that as it may, those are not my best qualities, and I don't want to be in high school for the rest of my life.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I take it back. Sometimes the other person has absolutely no clue what you are thinking and feeling. Talking still doesn't fix it though. Then they have to believe you, and nobody ever does that. They try when they want to, but really all we have is first impressions of each other, and if we like that first impression, we can spend insane amounts of time ignoring anything that doesn't jive with that. It gets to a point where two people are living in such different worlds, they can't even communicate in simple sentences. All that comes out of their mouths is frustration. Which makes a very strong case for love at first sight, because if you can't make it work in the beginning, its never ever going to work.

Or maybe two people understand each other too well, and become unable to hide any disstisfaction, boredom, or unhappiness from each other. An essential skill in any long term relationship. Any one where egos are involved anyway.

Perhaps somtimes its better to just give up on your reality, and be what they say you were all along. At some point, one of the lies has to win, doesn't matter if its his or yours. The word reality has to take on mutual meaning again, or there is no resolution.

Repeat: talking sucks.
Everyone knows the old cliche about guys not wanting to talk about their feelings. Well, did you know that people think you're an asshole when you don't want to talk? Or they assume you have nothing to say that they don't already know, which usually means you're an asshole too. In fact, generally speaking, people are going to think you're an asshole whether or not you tell them what you're thinking. If you're in a relationship, then the other person already knows what is on your mind, and they just want you to talk so they can convince you otherwise, or argue you into an emotional scene that has a far greater chance of leading to unreconciled reconciliation than the current state of stoic silence. In fact, this is true outside of a relationship too. People just want to get a rise out of you, because that's the faster way of winning.

So yay you! Let's all not talk about anything ever again. Let's just keep our fucking mouths shut and talk about non-personal things, like the drought in Georgia or the elections in Pakistan. Let's be English, or Chinese, or any other kind of person other than what we are right now. Talking does not solve anything on an interpersonal level. It only serves to make muddled what is already quite clear.

Talking sucks.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Christmas Wishes for My Sister

Please Carrie, of Carrie Callahan,
Please do not become this woman.....or do.....depending on your life goals.

I mean, I am linking to her. And she is pretty funny.

Okay, I guess I just wanted to post this for you, and I tried to make it snarky, but I'm not very good at that.

I am spoiling this plot because it is spoiled and rotting already

I did make it out yesterday to see the Golden was a horrible mistake.

Now, the two people I went to go see it with did not share my viewpoint. And so far, lots of reviewers thought it redeemed itself in certain areas...they are wrong. It was IRREDEEMABLE.

Let me preface this vitriolic rant by saying that I am, in fact, VERY TOLERANT of movie versions of books. I understand that you have to cut some stuff out, and lots of character development will be lost. Fitting a book into a visual extravaganza under two hours can be hard. HOWEVER

Why would you bother to even make the fucking movie if you are going to rewrite EVERYTHING so that it doesn't resemble the original story except in the most skeletal form?

1st mistake, (and where I probably should have walked out of the theater because I really felt like it): The opening intro of the movie, where they swirl around the gold "dust" (an absolutely awful and unnecessary special effect) and tell you that there are lots of other worlds, dust binds them all?, and people in this world have daemons which are really their souls. Ta da! In one foul swoop they completely took any charm or mystery out of the book. Would it have been so hard to demonstrate that daemons felt the same thing as their people, or to SHOW us that adult daemons didn't change form? Nope, we'll just tell you, because you're so stupid you might not GET it otherwise.

2nd flaw: I knew from the moment they had Fra Pavel (in the books he's some insignificant character we don't even hear much from till the third book) as the main evil Magisterium guy, and HE tries to poison Lord Asriel? I knew I was going to hate this movie. There was no reason for this. There was no reason to not show that the Master of Jordan College was trying to keep Lyra safe from him. In fact, Lord Asriel is shown as a sympathetic character the whole time, which is bullshit. I can understand not having a severed head of Gruman for time constraints. I do not understand why they have to screw with EVERYTHING, right down the Master having a DOG daemon, like a servant. They couldn't have thrown a bone to those of us who read the book? Just like they had to have the witches flying by themselves, they couldn't be flying on cloudpine broomsticks for some unknown reason?

In fact, let me condense my ranting and just list off for you EVERYTHING THEY REWROTE FOR NO APPARENT PURPOSE: And please keep in mind these are just the things I thought were egregious enough to mention...

1. The poisoning.
2. Roger's disappearance
3. How Lyra finds out about the General Oblation Board
4. How she runs away from Ms. Coulter
5. Who tries to kidnap her and who rescues her
6. The meeting with the Gyptian counsel
7. How she finds out about the Witches, and Iorek Byrnison.
8. The whole thing with the BEARS OF Svalbard and the Bear King's daemon
9. The trip to Bolvangar
10. The kid she finds without his daemon, WHO DOESN'T DIE
11. How she gets into Bolvangar
12. How she gets out of Bolvangar
13. How they fight their way away from Bolvangar
14. What happens after Bolvangar (refer to #8)
16. Ms. Coulter's maternal instincts

IN CONCLUSION: If I saw this movie and I had not read the book, it would still be a terrible movie with no character development and no suspense whatsoever. Plus it would be cheesy. Having read the book, it is a beyond terrible movie that preserves none of the quality of the book, and instead makes it into a really shitty fantasy tale with no viable point.

'What will your obituary say?' at

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Ads On My Myspace Page Part Deux - Motherfuckers Think They Own My Shit

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So today was supposed to be a day of glorious dorkdom. First cleaning my house, in preparation for Buddy and Doug coming over to go see The Golden Compass with me, then making tuna noodle casserole for them with the addition of Marty and Rebecca while getting drunk and watching the Planet Earth series that Sean got me for Christmas but had to give to me early cause I was bidding for it on eBay. *Sigh*

But I woke up this morning with a monkey on my back, or rather a monkey hiding in the enormous welts that now cover both my eyes. Allergic reaction to something, probably the cat sat on my face while I was sleeping. So my horrible migraine is back, and my eyes are swollen up and my nose could produce hydroelectric power for a small village in China.

Benadryl! For God's sakes, Benadryl!

Speaking of God, yesterday was a very trying day for me at work. What with all this glorious Christmas cheer, it became increasingly evident through comments from my co-workers that I must never ever reveal that I am a heathen atheist, or I will be immediately ostracized. I'm pretty well on my way already, with my weird postcards and habit of reading all the time, even at lunch. Then this guy at work that was talking about starting a book club with me, gave me a book to read. About spirituality and how the author found god in spite of everything.

It just about killed me. And I'll read it still. Because that's the nice thing to do. Even though I want to toss it out the window. Or at least hand it back to him and tell him God isn't really my thing. But he doesn't know me, and he really just thought I would like it. So I can't be angry at him.

It's being insulted continuously by people who don't know that they are insulting you, and therefore you can't be angry at, because they wouldn't say it if they knew, but they would still be thinking it anyway, so you would never be friends with them in real life anyway. So why bother raising a fuss? I just say thank you every time someone says "God Bless" or "Merry Christmas".

I'm an atheist in the closet. GROSS.

I mean, I've had a conversation about how I don't want to get married with a few of my co-workers who I actually like, and even that small revelation made them think I was really fucking weird. Like, the girls were actually appalled. Appalled. "How long have you been with him?", they ask. "What do you mean you might want to do something else with your life at some point? Don't you want to be with him forever?"

What the fuck. What kind of world am I living in? I know there are other social circles I can be in that don't find any of this strange. They must be out there somewhere, and there must be people who are part of them who are not gay or vegan. But I live in Cleveland, so I guess all my friends will be gay, vegan, or jewish forever.

That parts okay I should go clean my house and make them food in appreciation of them.

Oh, but lastly, once again either the Scene or the Free Times is running some sex ad with my phone number mistakenly there. This happened a few months ago, when all of a sudden I started getting calls from numbers I didn't know at 4 in the morning. So I picked up one time and the guy said he was calling about the ad, and then wouldn't tell me what the ad was for. I'm assuming its one of those magazines, cause the calls started coming Thursday, the day of the new issue. Note to self: remember to pick them both up and start scanning, in case the ad is due to run for more than a week.

In the meantime, resist the urge to fuck with these callers and pretend to be a christian right activist alien.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The worst sound in the entire universe is the Zales theme song. Sean says it makes him wither when he hears it. It makes me convulsively try to block my ears with my brain.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I guess the sign of getting old in my family is that you obsessively listen to public radio in the mornings in your car.

The problem with this is that Sound of Ideas is usually a really depressing way to start my morning commute into the blue and white glass halls of corporatedom/Mayfield village.

Sometimes its things like the nanotech program a few days ago that was awesome.
But lately its been all this Mt. Pleasant stuff, and then pregnant teenage moms this morning.

It's all very INTERESTING, don't get me wrong, and at this point listening to anything else on the radio feels incredibly juvenile and offensive. I mean, if you have the same routine as me, then one day switch to Rover's Morning Glory, and see how revolted you are in the first three minutes.

But I also feel like the NPR voices actually have a sophomoric effect on me.(I actually meant to write soporific, but that one works as well) I'm waking up...but somehow I'm also easily falling into a weird work morning coma. I'm more informed, but I'm less alert.

All of this is easily offset by the pleasure of getting in my car on the weekend and hearing Michael Feldman. Or CarTalk. Or Lake Wobegon. Which instantly makes me miss my cat Biscuits and crave tacos at the same time.

I actually think I'm more settled into work when I get there because of NPR. More settled, less frenetic, the day slips by faster, the days all seem the same.

I'm not sure I like it this way, and I'm pretty sure I need to make some more CDs for my car. Because NPR may actually be sucking the cheer out of me...

Sunday, December 9, 2007

After watching Ratatouille, I'm on this cartoon mouse kick.
So here's this...

And a companion piece: Cat vs. Bird

Also, my pickles didn't turn out so well. Marty and Buddy's did though, so its worth another try. I think mine woke me up at 2:30am to "assist" me with purging margaritas from my lungs.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


Sunday, December 2, 2007

Today is the day that Sean regrets having me live less than ten minutes from a Pat Catans. Or Target.

I'm very happy with my Christmas tree. Its a wonderful little tree. And the lights all around the room are very pretty and look great in the reflection of our wonderful new TV. 2008 is the year I will finally join the legions of women with boxes of "Christmas stuff".

Note: Noticed how I said MY christmas tree, but OUR tv? Dicussion not needed.

Also accomplished today? Homemade pickles. With jalapenos, onion, lots of pepper and cumin. Jerk pickles.

Marty and Rebecca reminded me today that I know nothing about Hannukah. I don't even know if I spelled it right. However, I do now know that gelt is chocolate money you use to play Dreidel, and also that knickknacks are called "chotskes"? Which I thought was a sandwich shop?

A very strange day full of lots of people in an out. Usually my social time is very planned. Today was open house. It was exhausting. Fun, but sickeningly exhausting. My brain no longer functions after 10 hours of visiting. I need a mint julep.