Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Today I took all the bills out of my pockets and purse, and rubbed them thoroughly on my cat, just to screw with the "allergic to cats" crowd.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Seriously, this would all be much more entertaining if someone got me a digital camera

So, yesterday Sean and I decided to drive West for a long time. It was warmish, and kinda cloudy, but good driving weather. We do this every summer, just go off on drives. That's the most depressing part about gas prices, now it might actually be cheaper for us to go on a cruise than do this all the time. We could both get bikes, but you can't listen to mix cds together on bikes, or point out the really creepy billboards you see.

First, we drove through Vermillion, which is my favorite town in Ohio. If I spend the rest of my life in this state, I want to live here. It's quaint, it's clean, the houses aren't crazy expensive, and there's my lake no more than a bike ride away wherever I live. Now yes, technically the lake is also only a bike ride away from where I live now, but the bike ride in Vermillion is a lot prettier. My dream is to work at the Great Lakes Maritime Museum there, see boat insurance to pay the bills, and be able to buy chocolate covered potato chips anytime I want.

This dream only works if I live right in the center of Vermillion, because any closer to Cleveland and I'm living in Lorain, which is a pretty name for post 80's hell.

So we kept driving through the Firelands, and then to around Huron, OH where off in the distance I spotted a great big round building and said "Let's go find that!"

So the top of that is what I saw in the distance. I was of course expecting some chemical plant, since really ominous looking buildings in Ohio are usually chemical plants. We drove one way, find a connecting road, and then a dead end. It was blocked off with barbed wire AND a concrete barrier. Took another road, same thing. Tried to go around the side, more barbed wire, more concrete. Every road into this place was blocked off.

We get a little freaked out, cause there's no signs anywhere except on the fence it says its the property of NASA. But you know, you would expect an employee's entrance, usually with a sign saying the name of the place. Uh-Uh. We tried every single direction, the entire perimeter, and there was nothing. Only really nice expensive houses in the middle of cornfields, and we couldn't get a better view than the top of the globe and the smokestack, plus a weird firetower looking thing, and all the flashing radio towers. My theory at this point is that all those NASA employees have entrances in their basement. Or you have to enter through the Army Reserves base.

It's Plumbrook Station by the way, they do space simulations for rocket firing, testing for cryogenics, and they have some hypersonic tunnel there. There is no way to enter from ground level.

Not a mere 30? miles from that is the Shrine of the Sorrowful Mother. We were going to go to Seneca Caverns, advertised as the "crack in the earth", but they're not open till May. Here's what the Bellevue tourism site says about the Shrine:

"Founded in 1850, it is the oldest place of pilgrimage dedicated to Mary in the Midwest. Paved walkways, winding among tall and colorful oak trees, lead to the Stations of the Cross and to the replicas of Lourdes and Sepulcher Grottos - favorite places of prayer and meditation.

The shrine also provides a popular cafeteria service and picnic area."

There's a bunch of little statues and grottos that rich people from Cinncinati and Parma have donated over the years, my favorite one was this one

Next we headed to Bucyrus, Oh, self-proclaimed Bratwurst capital of the WORLD

No, that's a not a bratwurst. See how I need a camera?

In Bucyrus we played the game "Find a black person or really any person of any ethnicity ever", and we lost.

We did however spot the guys who are singlehandedly keeping Disc Golf alive on their own. I'll let you google that one on your own. Their car, from Michigan!, was covered in probably every single discgolf promotional sticker that's ever been made. And also some Hillary stickers, and one Dio sticker.

We headed home through Mansfield, got to the Next Door Deli by 9, got pizza and watched Michael Clayton. Then caught a special performance by the GAYEST STRAIGHT MAN LEAD SINGER ever, Patrick Monahan of TRAIN. You know, they do that "Meet Virginia" song that makes your ears bleed? He was PRANCING around the stage, but according to Wiki, he's been married twice.

The End.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Friday, April 18, 2008

The things that go on in my head...I've picked up the art of having conversations with myself (out loud) from my dad, and sometimes when I'm excited or distressed, I forget that I shouldn't be wandering around talking to myself, making funny faces. For instance, when I found out (an hour after my interviews) that I GOT THE JOB, I talked to myself for the rest of the day, and walked around smiling muttering things under my breath like "yes, it IS awesome." One of the girls today at work asked me if I negotiated my pay, and I felt like a total schmuck, cause no I didn't, no it didn't even occur to me, because I was just happy they were giving me more than they had to. Which, don't get me wrong, is not much. But I guess I'm of the opinion that until I crack 35k a year, I'm probably not THAT valuable to them, and I should just keep my mouth shut till I hit the salary jobs.

What do you think? Should hourly paid phone workers who have only been there for two years and still file ez1040s start negotiating? They did ask me in the interview to give an example of my negotiating skills. Maybe I should have just said, "Look, I can spell negotiation without using spellcheck, can you?"

I don't anticipate a lot of answers to this, but I get enough hits on this damn thing, so give me a little back.. It's the Meme of the Month!

"Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

So in 24 hours, Mordicai turned 234, Symon got married in Vegas, Gunn lost her job, and I remembered I have a job interview today that I have been procrastinating over for 23 hours that I now leave for in a quarter of an hour.

Sean sent me a bunch of Sesame Street videos. Are there symptoms to distinguish between those of us who watched this show, and those of us who did not? Is one set more prone to listen to jazz, give to NPR, and know how to spell Europe? Of course, I'm only referring to Sesame Street up to around 1993. I think that's when the Elmo crap started happening. But that's a good twenty year time span of molding young minds. Perhaps the early Sesame street watchers are in fact the Greatest Generation? Maybe I'll delve into these thoughts more during my interview, and maybe they will realize I am a genius of observation and give me a secret position that pays gobs of money and requires nothing but giving my opinion.

Sean also mentioned the other day that some (very basic mathematical function) thing I did was because I watched 321 Contact. Yay Public Television!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Rock The Cradle: The Live Blog

I think I saw this guy perform once on Public Access

This is a format I stole directly from my favorite music blog, Status Aint Hood. Since I'm at home alone tonight, and have been watching Y Gen soaps all day (One Tree Hill, The O.C., America's Next Top Model, The Office), what else have I got to do? Before we do this, let me ask this...Does anyone find Tyra attractive anymore? I mean, are there people who want to sleep with her? Because she seems like the type of person who puts superglue in your contact lens solution.


This show seems determined to make Eddie Money look like an evil son of a bitch, cause they keep showing clips of him yelling at Jesse. The best part of this whole deal is watching the interaction of the kids and their parents. Based on the editing of the opening review clips, I'm gonna guess Chloe “I sing like a hawk” Lattanzi is out tonight.

This host, Ryan, is SO awkward. He's wearing a plaid shirt. Who does that? That came and went and came again and went again. He hunches over when he's trying to Seacrest it too much.

Jesse Money and Lucy Walsh are going to duke it out before this is over. Maybe that can be a spin-off. Maybe their dads can get in on that. My MONEY is on EDDIE.

The theme tonight is “Parent's Pick.” This should be good. I wonder who Olivia Newton John chose. It would absolutely fabulous if she chose a Nick Cave song. Didn't he write a novel that took place in a barren desert like Australia? God, that was a fucked up book.


Jesse Blaze Snider is doing “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol. First, he is for sure gay. Second, when he sings “In the midnight hour”, the last word sounds like he's got his toe stuck in a bear trap. Obviously Dad was trying to make his son seem cooler to Belinda Carlisle, who thought his song last week was “sacrilege”. Well, this is too. I know he's a Green Day boy, why can't he just sing that? Or "Pretty Fly For A White Guy"?

Belinda gave him an 8.5. Or rather, she gave Billy Idol a 8.5.

Larry just told him it was like “Rockstar Karaoke.” Someone's got an inside product tip.

Dee Snider LOVES his son. This kid could eat poop and he would be proud. He's the only parent who is sincerely exuberant about their child. The rest seemed vaguely embarrassed.


Lara Johnston got into every school ever. She's deferring for a year because of her “music career”.

Tom Johnston picked “Respect” for her. I cannot remember what band he's from.

This girl sings without actually starting or ending any of her words. She yells everything. “Whip it to me when you get home”? Is that actually in that song? She would probably be okay if she wasn't trying so hard to sing like a gospel singer. It's like she suffers an inferiority complex from being small and white.

Oh God, Belinda just called her an “old soul”. She's dead to me. Jamie King replaces her by scoring her a six, his ear infection must have cleared up.


Ryan just said “welcome back to the worlds finest genetic talent show.”

Also, MC Hammer is apparently now an “MTV icon”.


McHammer chose “Killing Me Softly” for his daughter. At least he's really got his daughter's career in mind. This is easily a viral clip. Everyone loves this song. Even though there's a girl who works with me who sings better at our office parties.

She gets low scores because of her OUTFIT. I don't think Daddy is going to let her show any cleavage.

10:30 pm

Kenny Loggins picked a Gavin DeGraw song I've never heard of for Crosby to sing. First the name, now this song.

Oh God, its the One Tree Hill theme song.

I guess we know what Kenny does on Thursdays afternoons too.

Crosby needs to channel his inner James Taylor. That's who he is.

The judge June desperately wants to sleep with him.

Larry just asked a very existential question, “20 people at a coffeeshop, 20,00 people at Madison Square Garden, where do you want to be?”. I bet Crosby is going to drink a lot over that question.


Bobby Brown picked “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder for..what's his name? Langdon?

This guy has no pitch. I think Bobby is wearing sequined ICP clowns on his t-shirt. Also this guy should be kicked off simply for wearing his jeans down below his tighty whiteys.


Al B.Sure's son is singing Maxwell. Lil' B. Sure is actually a soprano. Or a eunuch. It seems very very cruel to be doing this to him.

Belinda says he has to stop grabbing his crotch. He can't, his ghost balls are itching.

Al B. Sure has nothing good to say about the performance.


Lucy Walsh, “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. She is really playing up this “my dad is not around and I'm a martyr.” She doesn't need to do it, she's obviously better than any other contestant. But Look! Joe Walsh is here tonight! He refuses to sit in the parents box, and he wouldn't let them shine a spotlight on him, but hey, when she leaves him a message on his cellphone on national television, guilt tripping him about not seeing her perform, then he shows up, like a real dad. A real dad who has been bullied by his spoiled daughter into not humiliating him on MTV.


Chloe and Jesse Money are standing up there, Jesse looks so comfortable that she's going to win, Chloe's about to cry. Then WHOA, Jesse's leaving! America hates Eddie Money! They love Tim Burton!
Actually, I guess we already knew that.

Chloe sings “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace. Wait, is that a Christian band? I think I just got it. Olivia chose it for her because she said it was her daughter's favorite song during a bad breakup she went through. See, Olivia is the nicest person ever. Her daughter sings like Marilyn Manson.

Wow, Chloe knocked this out of the water. But the judges still hate her.

She's standing up listening to the judges, and she has a piece of hair stuck in her mouth that she hasn't taken out yet. Oh wait, there we go.

Well,it's over and Jesse “Blaze” Snider wins. He was born to be on American Idol. Why is he wasting his time on this shit?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


As of 1:15 am this morning, I became officially addicted to Rock The Cradle. Some quick thoughts before I pass out...

- Eddie Money's daughter LOOKS like Eddie Money.

- Lucy Walsh is very very good and very very evil. She was all like "my dad doesn't like the reality world, so he's not here tonight, and fuck'em." That's not why she's evil. That's not even what she said. She's Carrie Underwood's evil twin mastermind though.

- Belinda Carlisle and that Larry guy as judges are what saves the show from being the search for the new tamborine player of INXS. Belinda will vote for anything even slightly cool.

- Olivia Newton John's kid is a fucked up mess, and has about the same amount of talent as Olivia, but if she keeps squawking like that, someone will give her a contract. She's like Tim Burton created the spoiled rockstar daughter stereotype, she's all mist and eyeliner and hysteria. Belinda totally voted for her. Awesome.

- CROSBY Loggins. I would hate my dad too if he named me Crosby. Please Please Please sing a cooler Elvis Costello song next time. Please at some point sing a Flaming Lips song. Please Please Please do not ever a) wear a scarf on stage with a guitar b)sing a Paul Simon song c) both at the same time.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Two Warren Ellis references in one day...And also the movie I really wanted to see, the alien/kid movie by the director of the highest grossing domestic movie in Hong Kong history (Kung Fu Hustle) only playing at one theater in my area. Is the artsy theater? Is it the behemoth spectacle theater in The Valley where I had to go to see Kung Fu Hustle? Is it an annoying small second run theater somewhere in Lakewood?

No, inexplicably the only place it's showing is SOLON. Only Solon.
Not only is this incredibly inconvenient, it's confounding. *cue Sex In the City voiceover*
Is Solon suddenly a hot spot for foreign films? Has it become the new Little Hong Kong?

According to the 2000 census, Cleveland's Asian population is 1.35%. Solon's is 4.9% Way to answer my own question.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Friday, April 4, 2008

Last night, end of "Make Me a Supermodel", beginning of "Step It Up And Dance".

First, let me just say, that Bravo did pretty well for a while. Project Runway is an insane mega hit. Top Chef is even better. Plus this season it has this guy
who is either tweaked out, or just quit right before he joined, or is secretly a rabid squirrel.

Make Me A Supermodel just ended, and the only thing I remember about it is that Nikki Taylor and Tyson Bedford might just be the two most vacuuos people in the entire world. The MODELS were more personable than them. When Tyson opened his mouth, I wanted to sew it up again with fishing line.

Now they've got Step It Up And Dance, hosted by....wait for it...Elizabeth Berkley. Really? She's the most bug eyed host ever. Plus, she's obviously starstruck by the choreographers around her, probably since she's a dance groupie, so that's obnoxious. You know, Heidi is a well known model. Padma IS a chef. Plus she was married to Rushdie. What the hell has Elizabeth Berkley done related to dance? Other than Showgirls, which one of the other channels showed at the same time the premier went on. I thought that was pretty witty.

The entire show was a homage to the Spice Girls. It was grown men with mullets talking about their favorite Spice Girls song.

Now in all fairness, when Top Chef started, they had some empty faced starlet hosting who sucked. And they got smart and replaced her. So maybe they will fix their hosting problems. But if they don't, then I will no longer feel okay watching them, I will get defensive about their value to others, and they will no longer be something I admit to because of the smart person shame of it all. Don't alienate me Bravo. If your search engine finds this, take me seriously. My friends and I make PLANS to watch Top Chef together. I would kill myself if I ever made plans to watch Elizabeth Berkley.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Stole this from my daddy at Callahan's Cleveland Diary


Fucking Flying Penguins

Oh my god, let's pretend I'm fifteen again, and here's a weird dreams post!

Last night I dreamed that at work they were requiring us to paint giant murals reflecting something about my company, and somehow everyone on the floor became an amazing artist, except of course me (insert some seriousness overachieverness issues with work here). So I decided to freak them out by doing something "edgy", which turned out to be a mural which depicted every war criminal I could think of, the idea being "at least THEY don't work here".

Of course, I wasn't really me, because I'm always a third party in my dreams, so in this one I was someone resembling Ashley Judd who was dating some physician (or shoe salesman, I'm not sure, there seemed to be a lot of focus on shoes), and I kept giving him my Ativan pills because I had done an amateur diagnosis of anxiety. But when I met with my psychiatrist and confessed that my boyfriend only seemed to be getting worse, he told me it was my fault, that the Ativan was what was driving him crazy all along.

I woke up with the refrain in my head being "Ativan Ativan Ativan". Click my heels together three times and say it three times fast to keep the crazies away. Maybe she wasn't Ashley Judd, maybe she was grown up Judy Garland.

No I'm not on Ativan, and until I had this dream I had no idea what it was for, but I must have soaked it up somewhere. Stupid awful drug commercials.

Lastly I know I'm an awful terrible big geek, because I heard the word "Alliance" in an NPR story last night, and my hackles went sky high.