And When I Die.....I will be reincarnated as Neil Diamond

It seems like Saturdays are the day to become obsessed with a song, early and hard, by 7am if possible*. It's as if my brain requires the new candy to even justify getting out of bed at such an ungodly hour and trundling slowly towards Mayfield like a sleepy vicious land mammal, lost and angry in the gray swills of Ohio. Oh Starbucks, with your cheery red cups and sponge print doves, your overwhelming festive syrups, you'd think you'd be enough motivation. But sadly, no. My comatose saccharin addicted brain craves happy beats, nonsense lyrics, and a heavy dose of strange. ELO. Rhianna. Occasionally a throwback from Much Music, like Prozac or Soul Decision.

So this morning I ran out of any CDs I cared to listen to at all, and turned to that steady bastion of crazy weird songs, Magic 105.7. And this morning, of all mornings, I heard a song I had never heard before, which is a minor miracle for a station that has had only 100 songs in rotation since I was 12. The radio never told me what the song was, so I spend an hour trying to google "a child to carry on". You can imagine the drivel I pulled up with that. Finally I called the Ex, who has a magical knowledge of random radio songs, and I said "hey, it's casino boppy and he's talking about dying and a child who is born" and he was all like "Oh it's...." without pause. Without pause.

"And When I Die" by Blood Sweat and Tears. What the what.



I'm not scared of dying and I don't really care
If it's peace you find in dying, well then, let the time be near
If it's peace you find in dying and if dying time is here,
Just bundle up my coffin 'cause it's cold way down there
I hear that it's cold way down there
Yeah, crazy cold way down there

(so far, this is exactly the sort of lyric I would expect from a band named after bodily secretions**. Though if you really didn't care, then why would you ask us to bundle up your coffin? Don't you think that's kinda mean? You ask for death, you let all your loved ones know that you just don't give 2 craps about being there for them, and then you have the balls to ask them to wrap up your coffin so you don't get cold? Wear a sweater asshole. If it were me, I'd put you in the ground NAKED.)

And when I die, and when I'm gone,
There'll be one child born
In this world to carry on,
To carry on

(Okay, not only is this guy a selfish asshole, he's also an ego hound. Since apparently he thinks his death will magically produce a child to carry on his legacy. Like he's the Dalai Lama. Or Jesus. Or Joaquin Phoenix. I wouldn't wish any child to a life of performing Blood Sweat and Tears songs. That's like telling a child to grow up and be Sheryl Crow.)

Now, troubles are many, they're as deep as a well
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell
Swear there ain't no heaven and I pray there ain't no hell
But I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell
Yes, only my dying will tell
Yeah, only my dying will tell

(I've never understood the idea of troubles being deep. It seems to me that troubles are always the most accessible right near the surface kinda things, whereas happiness is the stuff that's really deep down and hard to get to. You know, when you commit suicide, you go to hell. Maybe.)

And when I die, and when I'm gone,
There'll be one child born
In this world to carry on,
To carry on

(creepy creepy creepy. I keep picturing this child as the bastard hate child created during a Metallica therapy session. )

Give me my freedom for as long as I be
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me
And all I ask of dying is to go naturally
Oh, I want to go naturally
Here I go Hey hey!

(The idea that you get to "ask" anything from life or death is so 60s laughable, I feel like the heroine in an Ayn Rand book. )

Here comes the devil
Right behind
Look out, children
Here he comes!
Here he comes!
Hey
Don't want to go by the devil
Don't want to go by demon
Don't want to go by Satan
Don't want to die uneasy
Just let me go naturally

(It's very possible Al Kooper is (was?) the devil. And that he loves children, especially with a spiced cantaloupe reduction and lots of bread for dipping. I have never heard of a spiced cantaloupe reduction, but it sounds fabulous, doesn't it? The lyrics here seem to be pointing out that we are all children when it comes to death, which is to say we are wimps who want promises that it will be fast and painless to alleviate the fear in our hearts that the devil at our backs. It's directly contrary to his previous assertion that he was a bad ass who didn't care about anything. So not only is he really a pussy blowhard with a messiah complex, he's also a liar***. I would be nicer, but seriously, this is a dumb song. And by the way, devil, demon, and Satan are all the same thing and if you're gonna be lazy try shortening the song instead of copping out.)

And when I die
And when I'm dead, dead and gone,
There'll be one child born
In our world to carry on,
To carry on
Yeah yeah

So now I'm gonna listen to this song obsessively for like a week.

But for now I need to figure out something to do tonight. If anyone has ideas, tell me. Otherwise it will be your fault that my Christmas decorations are up a week before Thanksgiving.

That's a Christmas Tree Worm. Cool, huh?

*Would that every morning could start this way.
**This song was written by a 17yr old Jewish girl from the Bronx. I'm not joking. This is probably why this whole thing reminds me of sophomore English class and this really dumb poem I wrote and gave to a local band cause Jeff wanted to write a song for it but then Jeff left and the band is still around the same bar 10 yrs later, and I'm kinda glad they didn't do anything with it.

***See? 17 year old.