Did you ever have the nightmare where you were the goat?

I love dinosaurs. I love that they are huge, I love that they are alien, and I love that I can't pronounce or remember any of their names correctly. I love them with a passion I reserve for all things much much bigger that are capable of eating me. It's survival love, Stockholm Syndrome for atheists.

But, as all of us over 20 learned from Jurassic Park, I do not want a dinosaur as a pet*. A giant red dog? Sure. But a living breathing pooping reptile who wants to eat my face and drag my body back to its eggs as baby's first kill? No.

So why are today's toy makers trying to convince children that dinosaurs are their cute cuddly friends? Are they hoping to inspire legions of future archaelogists? Are they battling creationist forces? Or are they prepping the world population for a far darker future?

Meet Pleo.
Or rather, MEET PLEO, HE IS YOUR FRIEND.



"Every Pleo is autonomous. Yes, each one begins life as a newly-hatched baby Camarasaurus, but that's where predictability ends and individuality begins. Like any creature, Pleo feels hunger and fatigue - offset by powerful urges to explore and be nurtured. He'll graze, nap and toddle about on his own -when he feels like it! Pleo dinosaur can change his mind and his mood, just as you do."

If he feels like toddling over to your bed at night and staring at you with that demonic glass gaze until you wake up and piss yourself? He will! It's cute!

Remember Furbies? Same makers and therefore it's only a matter of time before we're all telling the same story about the friend of a friend who has one installed in his computer tower. Except no one uses towers anymore, do they? So it'll be a race to see who can program their Pleo to play Wii Tennis first. Watch and be simultaneously creeped out/insane with jealousy...



But when is the best time to indoctrinate children into false hope Dinotopia? 11? 12? How about 2?

This is Kota the Triceratops. YOU CAN RIDE HIM. Well, technically he (she?) doesn't walk, but you can sit on him and pretend you are riding him. Which when you are three years old is just as good.

"It’s fossil-sized fun standing just over 2.5 feet tall. A hidden handle helps kids hold on once they climb onto the dinosaur’s back. Realistic stomping sounds add to the make-believe fun as kids bounce in place on the spring seat. Talk to KOTA the Triceratops and he roars back with expressive tail, head, eye, mouth and horn movements. Touch his nose with your hand and KOTA “sniffs” it! In fact, it’s easy to trigger all of his sensitive spots – try tickling his belly or chin to make KOTA “laugh”. And when you think this pretend dinosaur has worked up an appetite, be sure to “feed” KOTA his leafy snack – it really sounds like he’s munching on it! "



So they want us to treat dinosaurs as beings with feelings, emotions, desires. They want us to learn how feed and take care of them, to pleasure them with belly rubs? And they want children (and some older adults who shall remain nameless) to beg and cry for dinosaurs for Christmas?

I think someone's been buying up islands off the coast of Costa Rica.




*This is obviously the biggest lie I have ever told in my life.