If you did not see the new Indiana Jones yet? Well, maybe you should skip this. Or maybe not.

Alright, I'm over Jay's, we bought the fish sauce, we got the #1 Pho, I'm drinking Magic Hat #9, and okay then: let's watch Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.

*start movie*
Germans? I bet the kids in the trucks are germans.

Yup.

They're sneak attacking the base! Will the Germans steal a nuclear bomb?

Oh wait, they're Russians. The commies are after the ark? Mummified remains? I think Cate Blanchett looks like that famous asian spy lady I can't think of right now, Mata Hari. Only her accent is horrible. Magnetic gunpowder cloud? Really? oh....Roswell. I thought the aliens came at the end.

Why can't Spielberg stay away from aliens? And why would you open the mummy in the warehouse? Jay likes the sound of guns going down. I fail to see how you could drive the car with some case in it that's so magnetized, gunpowder drifted to it from across the warehouse.

Alright, I think I've found the problem with this movie. Indy survives a nuclear blast in a fridge? And doesn't immediately get crushed in the impact. And climbs out among burning debris with no thought to his testicles, as he stands casually and surveys the mushroom cloud about a mile away. Did I mention he got thrown a mile in a fridge, with no broken bones? And the CGI prairie dogs survived and don't have tumours all over their furry little bellies?

Now we get nice little civic lesson in bad government. The FBI thinks he's rogue. Indy gets fired? Maybe he'll start a petition, maybe an internet petition. That would be swell.

Now liberal extremist McCarthy targeted fired intellectual teams up with funny looking Jewish boy to fight the Russians, appropriate.

Indy just said "typhus".

Also, how does Indy not believe in "stories" at this point? ALSO what the hell is with that library scene? They slide a bike on its side underneath multiple tables and no one breaks a leg? Then he tells the kids to stay out of the library? Try staying out of the FALLOUT CLOUD, asshole. I'm sure Indy learned an obscure Incan language by staying out of the library. And he phoned in his doctorate.

I bet five dollars the conquistadors are alive at the end of this movie. Kept alive by the aliens.

I guess smaller scorpions are more poisonous, we googled it, its true. Also we bought some tamarind at Asian Plaza and eating it from the pod is like sucking the flesh of a penis made of sweet potato.

Shia Le Bouf is doing a GOOD job of making old Indy still look tough. I wonder if that was in his contract. "Hey I'll do this movie, but my sidekick can't be cuter than me and also has to be an obvious weakling."

Wait there are the conquistadors, they've been mummified with alien magic! I don't think in general just opening up mummies randomly with no planning is a good idea...wasn't there another movie about that?

We also got these tamarind candies that are coated in sugar and chili, I can't stop eating them. I'm going to get an Asian tummy ache.

The crystal skull: doesn't speak to everyone huh? Only crazy archaelogists from England? "Stare into the the skull" she says. "We will turn you into us" she says. The Russian plot is to turn America into Russian, subliminally. With a bunch of crystallized alien heads. This is like a political club over the head. Psychic warfare, a misguided FBI, alien conspiracy. I think Spielberg is an Air America fan.

"Autowriting. I should have seen this"
Well, we all should have honey.

The dinosaurs are crawling through the forest! Wait no, the commies brought a tree chipper to the Amazon. Now we're going to the magic alien city, and annoying jewish boy is Indy's son. So of course we have to hear fugly Marian and old Indy argue. I always hated Marian. I guess it's good Indy has a kid now, because he will NEVER HAVE CHILDREN AGAIN NOW THAT HE IS THOROUGHLY IRRADIATED and also will die of leukemia in a month.

Apparently Shia is the Monkey King. And the skull keeps away acres of demon possessed ants away but in close proximity, so Indy can have a fight in the circle of ant death with a Russian who will lose his face. And Ox is Willie Nelson in a poncho. And indian ninjas are stalking them. And Spielberg believes he invents aliens with every single movie , so he has to beat us over the head with the info that "hey these are aliens" even though they are the most cliche aliens ever and we all know what alien skulls look like thank you.

This entire movie was designed to be turned into an amusement park ride. I'm all like, well, there's gonna be a waterfall coming up, because in the car chase, the good guys have the car/boat. And then there's three waterfalls.

The booby traps in the temple SUCK.

Now Mata Hari has returned the head to the crystal skeleton alien, and all the aliens are meshing together, and they're one alien! And the place disentagrates. I think it's safe to assume that every temple left intact is booby trap free, because obviously they all get destroyed anytime anything exciting happens in them. I will feel much safer in temples having realized this.

Mata Hari's head explodes, or maybe she just goes to another dimension. I thought the aliens were giving her the gift of knowledge, but then she explodes. So these are either evil aliens, which means the theory of the movie is that civilization was founded by a bunch of wankers. Or really she goes off with them, becomes enlightened, and spreads the good word of Communism to the universe. She did return the head after all. Which was what they wanted, right? So I think Mata Hari wins.

Meaning Spielberg is a Communist. The entire movie points to it. I mean, she didn't want to keep the skull, she was going to give it back, so Indy and friends were just these obnoxious capitalists who got in the way of her quest for enlightenment. And then when it happened, they got scared and ran. But the strong Ruskie stayed and was rewarded. Americans are weak. Communists are seeking real truth. And humanity is not ready for the return of the superior race.

Finally, Indy marries some ugly broad he dumped years ago cause now he has a kid with her. And everyone leaves happily ever after, except Shia, who has now tarnished his Holes image forever.

Or this whole movie was a dream Indy had as he was dying, locked in the fridge. He imagined all the things he wish he had, a family, a lost love, a meaning behind his work, actual touch with the universal. Maybe this movie was in fact Indy's metaphysical awakening to the gaps in his life, the "looking into the light" moment that sums up his entire career delves deep into the subconscious desires of Henry Jones Jr. But in the end it was too late, and he drifts off into death as he and Marian walk out the church door, the audience lamenting its lost hero and the director poignantly pointing out with some hat trick that there will never again be another Indiana Jones. That modern society, with its obsessions of CGI, Aliens, Over the Top stunts and lack of real mortal enemies, could never support the daring do of
a man with a whip.

And where exactly was his whip?