Some Not Very Well Thought Out Commentary

A lot of my friends don't understand Twitter. And I've heard from more than one guy I've met "You use facebook a lot, don't you?" Yes, yes I do.

But every time there's something big happening, I appreciate Twitter more and more. When the earthquake and tsunami happened in Japan, I knew immediately because of Twitter, and got to watch it live on tv at 3am here. I would have never known otherwise, because I don't sit around late at night with CNN on. I generally have better things to do at 3am, like peeling off my nail polish or memorizing the lyrics to Uptown Girl. I don't however have anything better to do than watch oil refineries explode and cargo ships overturn. None of you do. Except maybe anyone living in Japan at that time.

Sunday night I got the heads up from Twitter at 10 that the President was going to make a big announcement, and no one knew what it was. I dutifully turned on MSNBC at 10:30, and was subjected to half an hour of two anchors sitting there going "I don't know what to talk about, so I'll just talk about how nice the White House Correspondence Dinner was. Haha, wasn't that stuff about Trump funny?" No one at that point honestly knew what the announcement was going to be, and that's always scary, to have the entire nation waiting for something unknown and awful. Simultaneously boring and terrifying. It could have been anything! Hillary Clinton is Dead! Alien Ship Found! Putin Nuking China! Asteroid Headed for Earth! Intelligent Life Discovered at the Bottom of the Ocean! Antarctica Falls Completely in the Sea - South America Wiped Out!

Oh but it was none of those things. No, instead it was the announcement that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. Yawn. I don't care. I turned the tv to the saved episode of Dr. Who from last night. If there was a negative space of caring, that's where I would be. The Care Vacuum. The Black Hole of Care.

That's not entirely accurate. Like, I'm into the rest of the story, especially the part where people act crazy and weird and relieved, and then tweet like a million things about it, and all go out to Times Square and party a lot and scream things in costume. And then all the comedians I follow on Twitter spent the next two hours coming up with every funny thing they could think of about this weird symbolic victory. And the other 40% of people got all "this doesn't change anything assholes", and everyone else was like "stop being party poopers!" and that's pretty much the same pattern Twitter falls into anytime anything happens. Royal Weddings. Lady Gaga shows. Libya.

Here are some of my favorite tweets from Sunday night:

@BridgetCallahan Deep down in the seat of my soul, I resent David Gregory for taking away my hope Obama was going to announce he found an alien ship.

@SmartBitches That sound you hear is a million Tea Partiers taking their suicide pills because they don't know what to believe anymore.

@rilaws HOLY SHIT: http://twitpic.com/4s6wcl

@alwysabridesmd: "Does this mean we can stop bombing the shit out of people now?"

@mollylambert Obama's presidency just became Blazing Saddles

@jumonsmapes I'm ready for you to TURN ON THE FUCKING NEWS. RT @ladygaga Are monsters ready for me to announce the premiere of The Judas Video?

@billytwitty 2011: US allows gays into the army. Later in 2011: US army kills bin laden. WELL DONE GAY PEOPLE!

@iamcaroline I fucking WISH they would blast party in the usa and throw miley cyrus bong hits videos up on every screen in times square right now

@simonpegg There's a slight sense in the more sensationalist media that the world just completed a particularly tricky video game.

@kellyoxford Tom Clancy has been jerking off all morning

@SethMacFarlane Never celebrate after destroying a small enemy spaceship, ‘cause someone’s about to point off-screen and say “Oh. My. God.”

@BridgetCallahan I just got spam for a prepaid credit card called BillMyParentsLater. I'm so in love with the Internet right now it hurts.

So yup, that's what I did that night, that's my experience of this national moment, glib lines the like of which you could hear at any amateur stand up comedy open mic night. Other people I follow kept complaining about super patriotic crazy people being super patriotic crazy and how awful Twitter and Facebook were. I only have a few people in my feed who bothered with the "America! Fuck yeah!" shit. So I went searching for it. Because you know what I love about the Internet? I love how horrible and beautiful and all inclusively immediate it is. It's not just stupid crazy people. It's not just smart reasonable people. It's EVERYTHING. ALL AT ONCE and ALL THE TIME. Social media has shown me the Great Horror, the gigantic black squid squeezing the juice out of the world, and I can't stop looking at it and being constantly entertained all the time by it's straight up what the fuckness. It's like Stockholm Syndrome, only like, more awesome.

Example: This tweet of mine
"@BridgetCallahan Nobody ever gives me credit for all the times I'm not a drunk slut."
got as many retweets as this tweet:
"@BridgetCallahan Dear US: Now that you're hungover, let me run this by you: Affordable alternative energy, free health care, let my friends get married."

Noticeable different in quality and intent, but the Internet doesn't care. It just wants to eat it all and spit it up in everyone's mouth equally.

Maybe this is all a reaction to the fact I can't take anything the real world does seriously anymore.

A lot of my friends and family, their reaction was "it's awful to be so jubilant about death, it's unchristian, it's barbaric." Oh, I get that. If I had any sort of reaction to this besides entertained observer, I would probably agree. But I forgive everyone living in NYC, and everyone who lost someone. I'm happy for them. I don't think the rest of the country ought to give as much of a fuck, they are just like me, buying into bread and circuses, but the people who lived there? No, go for it. That happened to your city. I see the bloodthirsty glee on their faces and I understand that, and I don't want to take that away from them. You can understand without condoning. You can watch without judging. You want to get into a moral argument with me, fine. I'll probably shut right up. Just keep in mind that whole "It's not Christian or Buddhist or Bible approved" thing isn't going to fly with me. If someone killed my brother, I'd feel pretty good about them being shot after evading capture for 10 years and that whole time trying to kill more people. Something being wrong doesn't stop you from feeling it, and don't press me on the difference between that guy and lots of other *ahem* world leaders, cause I know it ain't much.

All of you in the rest of the country need to calm the fuck down though. And the next person who compares Osama to Hitler will get punched in the face.

May 1st was also my sister's birthday, one of my best friend's birthday, International Workers Day, Beltane. As Carrie put it at dinner last night "And May 1st continues to be this weird nexus of historical significance for no apparent reason."

Hey Everybody, Watch the President Being Funnier Than You

C'mon, it's totally worth ten minutes of your time. Honest. My favorite part is when he calls Michael Steele "The Notorious G.O.P.". Also when he makes fun of CNN for having a guy who points out Iceland is too cold to have a volcano.



"There are like, hundreds."


Also, earlier tonight I watched the second episode of The History of US on the History Channel. In the first twenty seconds they flashed to a roaring attacking bear. That image was repeated three times. They actually started the episode with a flaming meteor headed for America, that explodes! But they only showed that part once. Did you know people used to be so stupid, they thought beaver pelts were the same as money? True story.

I only got about as far as Lewis and Clark, which is the best part of the whole Go West story always. The bear finally attacked actually, and tore the head off some trapper who lived! Cause he had American Grit! I will let you know how the rest of it turns out. I'm sure lots of pregnant women in covered wagons bite it.

I sent this around on FB yesterday, but I think it's worth repeating. So I can have it saved here for posterity.



I understand neither his point or reasoning. But how many woodland creatures does Beck have to murder before we quarantine him? All the guy's missing is a large white tent and a river.

Wednesday Night is TV Night: Top Chef, Obama, and Why are Short Girls Awful?

Wasn't there time when I used to do something else on Wednesday nights? Didn't it used to be dancing night? Or cooking night? Or...coffee shop night? I don't know. But whatever I used to do, forget it. TV night is cheaper. And I'm less likely to contract herpes.

There was a lot going on tonight. Obama's speech on Healthcare, and America's Next Top Model premiere on at the same time. The premiere of my new favorite nerdness, Glee. And of course, Top Chef.

First, I had a difficult decision. Watch awkward messed up girls get glammed up, or watch awkward messed up men applaud on cue? Tyra won initially, cause shit, it's ANTM. It's an event. I mean, I read the blogs and the papers and the Move On letters, I know what the Healthcare reform bill basically is going to end up being, and I know what I would like it to be. But I don't know which bug eyed beauty will steal Tyra's heart by the end of the show.

This season though, Tyra left out water and her house turned into a gaggle of Gremlins. I have nothing against short girls. I am a short girl. But ANTM seems desperate to prove that short girls are crazier, more obnoxious, less mature, and straight up plain sadder than tall girls who actually have chances at being models. There was the token insane Christian girl. The melodramatic foster child who has a hole in her life nothing but Top Model can fill. The Louisiana trailer girl with the terrible accent and lead in her heels. The "I'm smarter and these girls just don't understand me" girl. And my personal favorite: Bambi, who will end up playing an elf on some SyFy movie at some point. There was lots of Tyra defense rants, about how shorter girls can rule, ect. That lasted till about the time they were judging the photos, and the judges openly pondered why everyone was so hoochie, to which Tyra pointed out that short girls don't think they can be models so they practice being sluts and video models. Oh, and she tried speaking in a French accent a lot. Which, as you will see later, was a theme.

So this is about where I decided that maybe this hadn't been the right decision, so I switched to the floor of the Senate, where Pelosi openly stared her comrades down from behind our Fearless Leader, until she had them standing to give ovations every ten seconds. It was very confusing and lackluster when Obama was just outlining specific items. Even he looked visibly confounded by some of it. "What, what did I say? Taxes? What?" But then he got all Super Speech Man, and brought out the deathbed letter wishes from Teddy, and cut open his heart with a steak knife, letting it flow into every dry and wrinkled crevice of the Medicare Council. There were a couple good jabs at the previous administration, and the anticipated Tossing of the Bone ceremony in which several Republicans actually moved, or stirred a little. I mean, I know he's good. I voted for him.

Glee was wonderful, especially the shot of Squirrel Woman crying in her car and singing loudly to the radio.

But let's talk Top Chef. We all know that's what I stayed home for.

So this was the dreaded Quickfire we all saw trailers for, where the loser gets eliminated! Because apparently, the judges got real tired real fast. They all had to make snail dishes. Kevin won because he made BACON JAM. Jesse got sent home. Yawn.

But then they pulled out the big guns. And by big guns, I mean the producers dug up the mummy of a squishy faced little man who invented French cooking, and is magical. Or as Ely put it, he wanted to meet Robuchon because he thought "he didn't actually exist and might be a unicorn." All the chefs were assigned classic French dishes to cook for the Magic Unicorn Council of France and All Things French. Except for Kevin, who got to join the Council, provided he could capture a kitten with silver eyes who makes the rain come when it sniffles. Or because he made BACON JAM.

You know, French cooking is sort of disgusting. It's all snails and frogs and old chickens and rancid milk sauces. It's like every really gross idea in the world, like cheese grown in caves and rotten fruit disintegrated in bottle for years, came from France.

But they're really good with bread. Probably cause yeast is super gross too.

So the magically glowing Puppet Master Robuchon sits at the table and conveys his evil judgments only in the sacred archaic language of the culinary arts. Everyone else blushes a lot and shuts the hell up when he talks. Except for Padma who seemed visibly fed up, and was practically suckling from the wine bottle to avoid rolling her eyes.

The frog legs by that Haitian guy and Robin were a disappointment. But it made me thankful to be an American, who doesn't have actual issues in her past, like days spent drinking urine in a boat and hating the French bastards who oppressed your country for centuries, only to have to swallow your bitterness and make their damn sauces for the Overlord of Darkness/Souffle.

Bryan and Mike I. made trout with deconstructed bernaise sauce, or rather Bryan got a sous chef for the day named Mike and told him how to do stuff.

The lobster by Ely and Laurine was a failure, but not quite bad enough.

Mattin the little Church Mouse decided to be a prick and speak at the table in French. Which was funny, cause after he left, the Grand Poobah noted that he spoke french well, obviously assuming he was from America because of the ton of bacon in his sauce.

Ash and Hector fucked up. I'll tell you right now. Hector went home. It is what it is. I think Mattin should have bit it, but it'll happen eventually.

Mike V. and Jennifer created a calming symphony of flavors in their artificial love bubble of a kitchen corner, summoned up by the amazing power of putting two people together who are really good at what they do. Jennifer actually looked like she was having fun today. So good for her. I adore her.

At judges table, despite Mike I.'s repulsive attempts to take credit for their entire dish, soft spoken Bryan won. And his prize? A job in the Kindly Wizard's kitchen for a week. Something which seemed to mean a lot to him, despite the fact he already has his OWN RESTAURANT.

I'd liked to sum up this completely unnecessary summary of tv shows you probably already watched by pointing out how much I hate the commercial below. Every time I see it, I feel creepy crawly, like there are fucking bacteria crawling all over every surface of the room.



Tiny little humans waving like broccoli is NOT COOL.

I realize that today, the 1st full day of a new administration, I should be filled with expectation, or anxiety, or sombre meaningful thoughts on patriotism. Instead I want to make lots of cheesecake, and paint my hallway, and buy a permanent Obama umbrella, to stop you people from raining on my parade.

My mother, (who's composite image of me I think is based on some friend of a friend's daughter, since she forgets that I haven't dyed my hair in ten years, I do wear colors besides black now, and my employers love me and I'm never in any danger of getting fired also I do love her despite all these things) left me a voicemail that said, in essence, "Bridget, don't be disappointed, he's not a miracle worker, the world isn't going to instantly change".

This is a ridiculous expectation, because I am regularly one of the most cynical people you will meet. Especially to her. Especially about miracles.

Okay, so yes I know that he's not a miracle worker, or Nelson Mandela, which I swear I heard one of the tv commentators say last night. I'm probably more aware of that then most of you. I understand Obama is a centrist, that he'll backtrack on a lot of things, and due to lack of money most of those ambitious social programs are not going to happen. I understand that there is a good chance he will do none of the things I think he should, like freezing foreclosures, expanding internet access to all of America, and impeaching Bush.

But I like having a president who at the very least will not actively contribute to making things worse, and will at least try to wean us away from oil. Obama won a lot of loyalty from me with his Secretary of Energy pick. I am no longer scared that NASA will be closed down, or that America won't contribute to the LHC effort. I think PBS might actually survive. And for god sakes, he believes in global warming. That seems like a minor miracle to me.

So leave me alone. I'm tired of being defensive and angry for the past eight years, I don't need you all trying to deflate me. The reason I am so excited is that the bar has been set very low for my expectations. When Obama gets as bad as George W Bush,( you know, starts another war, lies to us repeatedly, and talks about we have to save Israel because of the End of Days, destroys every environmental law he can get his hands on), then I will lower my enthusiasm. Maybe. He's still much cuter and knows how to use Twitter.

The reviewing stand looked like they were about to watch a horse race...

Okay, I'm drunk and about to get drunker, so let's keep this short....

1. In the crowded Palace Theater today I watched that, you know, thing that was going on today.

very secret cult like gathering....

2. Behind me was an old man who kept calling, "The Peanut Man!" every time Jimmy Carter came on screen. S. says he heard him saying later he couldn't remember his last name.

check out the secret of Acorn's success - Zombies!

3. Several standing ovations happened, and lots of hisses.

some things should always be experience in crowds..


4. Obama mentioned "non-believers" as part of America! Yay! We exist!

5. I cried when Obama said he would "restore science to its proper place".

6. That bow was amazing.

7. That poem was awful.

8. That entire inaugural speech was a damning diss of Bush, and it was awesome.

9. Cheney in a wheelchair was a) Old Man Potter and b) the best thing EVER. S. was hoping that the wheelchair would sprout rocket jets and fly off into the sky, leaving behind a magic rainbow...

10. The presidential swearing-in happened late, so technically we didn't have a president for ten minutes.

11. I called my dad afterwards to thank him, which sounds really cheesy(and is), because he volunteered and worked for the Civil Rights Movement, and ever since then he's just always been working for the rights of poor people and poor cities, and I was really overcome with the idea of it all. I mean, I couldn't ask for a better person to aspire to (even though I ended up a corporate slug), and I just felt like this was a victory for all the people like him across the country who try so hard to change things, and have been trying since they were marching in Selma, and recycling computers started, and steel mills started to unionize. And I said "you know, thank you in a generational way" and he said "well, in a generational way, thank you for knowing how to use the internet." Then he mentioned some thing about drawing water before and drawing water after and Buddhism, and went back to work.

11. I then got very drunk. And I am very very very happy. I kept calling my mom to come have a drink with me, but she was working.

12. The Obama girls are the best princesses we could ask for. Maybe Disney will now actually have a black princess.

13. There was something that Rick Warren (*spit*) said in his prayer that actually struck me. He said we should celebrate the "peaceful transfer of power for the 44th time", and you know, above everything else, he's right. In the grand scheme of things, the fact that we have such contentious elections and then the guy wins, and he's just in, and everyone just accepts it? That's amazing.

Diane Feinstein said something similar when she talked about the "supremacy of the ballot over the bullet".

14, I like Michelle Obama because every time the camera pans to her, she's looking at her kids. And that's what the mother of a 7 yr old would be doing. Not concerned about looking at her husband, or appreciating Perhlman, but making sure the girl isn't lifting up her skirt.

15. The entire time I have known S., worked for my company, owned a car, and had short short hair, Bush has been president.

I mistakenly got to work an HOUR early today...stupid clocks

"Secede from the rest of the beer world - Lonestar, the Official Beer of Texas"

Of course, the Republicans back at the office today are the epitome of good sportsmanship and humble grace.

Just kidding. They've been pronouncing loudly about how Obama is a socialist, how when you work hard to be rich you shouldn't have to pay for the poor, and how this country was not founded on the principle of giving everyone a free education.*

I just want to walk up to them and say "I don't care about what you have to say about this. Because you lost."

But luckily I have the girls next to me, who are all very excited. And tonight I finally get to go to a post-election party. So hopefully I can get past all these bad feelings from the last week, and get my hope back goddamnit. I just need a little shot of happy liberaldom** to get me through today. Also a t-shirt that says "I come from a Blue State."

Mid-Day Addendum: I have so far had 2 claims of vandalism (keying and tire slashing) from people who got targeted because they had Obama stickers on their cars, on college campuses.

Also, I just took off for the Inauguration Day 2009, I'm totally going to Washington, who's with me?



* Kids who can't afford it don't deserve an education because their parents are obviously failures.
** As if such a thing existed. It's possible I may be equating liberaldom with Crown Royal.

Now that the party is over...

Here's the things I need to work out in my soul right now.

1. I need to learn to forgive all the fuckers who made fun of me for two years because of my support for Obama, then had a magical conversion during the party on Tuesday night. True, they mocked people making phone calls and called the canvassers bad names and talked day and night about how Obama was just a shady inexperienced candidate, but anything was better than Republicans. But I need them to vote in another 4 years, so when they tell me how proud they are that there's a black president, I need to just walk away. My rancor from this is particularly coming from
****, who sent me an email in which he simultaneously mentioned how "fucking annoying" I was about Obama, but also how much fun he had partying with the brothers, and how proud he is of his country for electing a black man. What? Who the fuck do you think made this election happen, assholes? The people who worked really hard to convince your dumb asses to vote. You got to party on Tuesday because thousands and thousands of people have been working tirelessly for two years to get this done. So you should be down on your knees grateful, (not necessarily to me cause all I did was a couple phone calls, a lot of arguing with strangers, and a lot of snarky blogging), but at the very least you could refrain from insulting me, or them. And the sad part is, they just care about the fact that he's black, not about the fact that he's good, or about any of the issues he supports. And even in the same breath, they're commenting about how "we'll see if he actually does anything in office".

See, I need to let all that go. All I need to think about is that they voted, it's all that matters. And figure out some way to get them to keep voting that way when its not about a black man, or about Bush. As a first step of this, I need to take a deep breath and stop using names. (Oh but its hard to let go of anger, its hard...)

Something I don't need to let go of is...

2. It depresses me to no end that all the anti-gay legislation passed. As happy as I am about this election, I feel like all my gay friends just got labeled second class citizens. And I wish all those people who are so happy about a black president could think for just a moment about how there is a still very oppressed minority in this country, a whole group of people that we won't allow to get married, who many people in this country don't consider worthy of the basic human rights of everyone else. Hmm, we used to do that to this other group of people....who was that....remember?

Bitter gun toting apples

The headline at Foxnews.com is "Facing A Steep Climb".
"President-elect Barack Obama will inherit on Jan. 20 the worst financial crisis in 70 years and two wars."

In other words, Ha Ha SUCKA.

Also, you can find out who those commie celebs voted for

P.Diddy? Commie.
Pete Wentz? Commie.
Brandy? Commie.

Country music singer Ricky Scaggs? American
"I have really gone to the scriptures and that's the way I vote. I find a man or woman that to me, their principles, ... lines up with what I believe the word of God says," he said Tuesday afternoon. "That's how I vote, and that's the things that I stand on, I would have a hard time voting contrary to that....I'm not sure that Mr. Obama likes bluegrass or country music that well," he said with a chuckle."


Taylor Swift....well Taylor is declining to reveal her vote. Because she still likes her career.

Oh, and Tim Robbins is commie who WASN'T REGISTERED TO VOTE but because he's rich and also the judges are in the tank for Obama, they let him.

Obama's 2004 Speech - Watch It Again

I Love You America. Thank you. This is better than I ever, in my entire life, thought you could be.





I'm totally crying right now. And everyone is talking about MLK and the Declaration of Independence, and all that. But GOD, PEOPLE, you finally proved to those bastards that you're not racist, or crazy, or delusional, and you don't believe their lies, and you really learned something from the last eight years. At least more than half of you. It's so awesome. I'm actually proud to be American right now, and I don't think I've ever felt that before in my life, even for a second. I'm not used to being this sincere. I wonder how my parents feel right now.

Brit Hume is totally kissing his ass right now. In your face Fox. Seriously, I hope you crumble, you passive aggressive assholes. "He was elected because people don't remember the civil rights movement" YOU LOSE.

Liveblogging...Drinking....Election 2008

9:03, I'm stuck with CNN, smirnoff and peanut butter M&Ms in my hotel room. Pennsylvania went blue, which should ease Doug's mind. Yay for not being the bitter racists they all said you were, cousin! Also Minnesota, and Warner in Virginia which is not surprising but awesome nonetheless. Now they're using some stupid touch screens to show exit poll demos. Turns out people don't care about race? Wonkette has something about a bull being slaughtered in Kenya if Barack wins. Fuck the cow.

9:06 Dude, we got the senate. woohoo! Now everyone is talking about race, and some guy is saying "the world has to love us now", and everyone is agreeing. The black guy will save us from the angry communists! These people are blathering about race with no real sincerity behind it. "It appears people worked thru their racial issues" and decided they'd still rather have the black than the republican. Another guy just said if republicans can't beat a lunatic like Al Franken, then they're in bad shape. True dat. Wow, what if Franken wins?

Carville is a lizard monster from He-man.

9:12 Why does it seem that Anderson Cooper is hosting a VH1 reality show? Fuck you Georgia.

9:14 Kerry won Mass again. Good for him I guess. But he's just gonna leave anyway to be in the administration. My channel lineup has only CNN, but Dirty Jobs is on the next one up. And its appropriate, cause they're in a salt mine, and also Kerry is made of salt.

9:18 So the Dems are sweeping the senate so far. And remember how I railed against the electoral college 8 years ago? Yeah, I take it back.

9:12 How would Gergen do on Tila Tequila I wonder? I think Borger would kick his ass, she looks like she likes her tequila straight. Oops, unintended pun.

When Anderson Cooper says "We have another projection to make", he narrows his eyes like a gunfighter.

9:24 Hank Williams is getting more screen time than he ever deserved. Republicans like bad music.

9:26 I lied. I guess I also get Fox News. Yippee. The anchor looks like he has already died, and was reanimated just for his contractual obligation. Nicole Wallace has obviously had her cheeks stapled in prep for this night. Wow, Nicole is really throwing in the towel here. She just called McCain scrappy. I wonder how she's not crying discussing Pennsylvania. I would at least be tearing up if I had spent so much time working on this damn campaign.

9:29 What the hell is Prop 2?

9:30 I love you Ohio. I miss you, I love you, I will never talk smack about you again. Oh, Ohio, how I long to see you right now....You're the best. I'm crying just thinking about how much I love you, really.

9:31 Also you, New Mexico. You're more than just a pretty face.

9:33 Oh, Prop 2 is something where Austin City Council is forbidden from trying to lure in retail development or redevelopment with financial incentives. Wow.

9:35 I just noticed I have a lot of bruises on my legs. Ah, seriously, they just referred to the headquarters of the Confederacy...

9:37 Katie Couric's election coverage set is just, blah. Really, it's like it was a challenge on Top Design, do this set with only 20 dollars. But thank god the other channels are joining in now

9:39, YES Kenya Coverage. Kenyans still read newspapers! I wish I was at that party. Why is it that all of Kenya feels related to Obama?

9:40 yes we know that Texas went to McCain. I could have called that 4 years ago. I miss Ohio :(

9:42 This guy is just touching this screen and giving McCain states willy nilly just to show the worst case scenario. Then he said "please, if you're out west, please for the love of god, vote" I think that's what he said. I could have misheard him, I had some tequila myself tonight.

9:44 HaHa, they're all like, hey go to CNN.com and see if YOU can come up with a way to get McCain to 270. C'mon, we dare you.

9:45 did you know Andrew Jackson could swear in two languages, English and Spanish?
Also, I just learned that birds do in fact have penises.

9:48 I wish I had BBC right now. How is it that I don't even have DECENT CABLE on election day. Seriously.

9:49 One station has McCain at 130 electoral, and another at 78?

9:50 You know if Ohio is so important to you every 4 years, why don't you fuckers stop SHITTING ON OHIO?

9:51 I think that CNN is literally sticking random opinionated people at the table, and if they don't talk enough, move them out. Cause these faces keep changing except for Borger and the 2 old white guys. Maybe this IS a reality show.

9:52 Everyone laughs at the idea of talking about Palin at all right now.

9:57 I just learned I missed a HOLOGRAM of some girl on CNN? Damnit. Also, somebody just insinuated that Obama held his rally in Grant Park because that's where Lollapalooza was.

9:59 Hey guys, Joe the Plumber doesn't represent us because WHITE America is no longer the REAL America. Hello Iowa. Go back to the closet Utah, no one wants to be mormon.

10:02 Okay, we know Obama is going to win. But what I really want to know is what kind of turnout? What's the increase in new voters? These people are going to be sharing my elections with me for the next 20 years, I'd like to know how massive this is.

10:04 Now we're being told Obama is Reagan, and not just because of the popular vote, but because Obama will be Reagan. I don't care about GOP insiders jumping off bridges please.

10:06 I guess the theme of the night now is that the Democrats are winning because they are actually Republicans.

10:08 Everyone is getting snippy with each other because the Republican strategists are being sore losers.

10:10 The argument/snippy bloodshed just ended because "all we need are nine votes on the Supreme Court" and everyone laughed. Ha Ha, that's SO FUCKING FUNNY

10:13 Brit Hume is threatening to cry. I think I will only watch Fox News from this point on. I really love all the horrible depressing AARP ads on Fox. I really hope they keep going with those after the election. Also, there was just an ad for CSX! The train company! Saying how they're cheaper than gas powered trucks! Yay for trains coming back!

10:15 Will Fox News implode on itself? Stay tuned....According to Fox, McCain has 135 electoral and Obama has 207. They must be counting the GHOST states, you know, the REAL states.

10:17 Now Brit Hume is throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Bill Kristol, who has already covered his ass by going on the Daily Show every week and making jokes about himself, is unable to make eye contact with anyone at the table. Kristol is like, wait a second, these exit polls aren't supporting that Palin had any effect on this. And now the Fox dogs are like "no, you're not asking the questions right, if they asked it the right way, it's all Palin's fault!"

10:20 OH MY GOD look at all the people in Chicago!

10:21 Brit Hume has been saying for TWO YEARS that McCain needed a Get Out The Vote drive, and he was obviously the winner before Palin, and then Palin said "fuck those votes" and she is a evil crazy criminal who only speaks to poor crazy appalachia women, who are evil.

10:23 Doug was telling me I need to look at Nebraska's electoral system, cause it's all weird, and I agree. Not right now though.

10:26 Is it weird that I miss MSNBC right now? I want Olbermann and Matthews...I want to see Matthews cry tears of joy...It is absolutely impossible for me to get any kind of Obama love right now from anyone.

10:29 Now Obama didn't win the white vote, but it doesn't matter because he got the Latino vote, the black vote, and the youth vote (and none of those youth are white at all). And they are proud of the youth, because instead of the stupid violent youth in the 60s, this youth is rebelling within the system! He's the first "post civil right movement baby" to become President. You know, it's because he knows how to use the internet right?

10:34 Wonkette just speculated a new Tory based political party....Everyone on Fox sounds sedated, and kind of like they wish they could just stop talking. They also keep saying that "some people thought this wouldn't work" and "some people thought the Jews wouldn't vote for him". Some people huh?
God, Fox is just unwatchable. Its fine to hate them when you think they are working, but when they are losing? It's so pathetic to be stupid mean and a loser.

10:37 Another hologram! Of the Senate building! Campbell Brown is sitting at the table in front of it, but she has to look at the TV screens to see it, and she looks uncomfortable.

10:39 We will probably not get the necessary fillibuster blockers...If Franken wins, I am deleting this blog and running for office in Wyoming.

10:42 Please Please Please get to 11 already. I want to fall asleep to a concession speech. My mother sends all her emails with the subject heading: Momogram.

10:46 Will.I.Am is getting "beamed to you, like in Star Trek" from Grant Park. His mom is proud of him for inspiring people to vote. The Yes We Can video. CNN is interviewing Will.I.Am thru hologram about his youtube video. What the fuck.

10:48 I just saw a Norfolk Southern Commercial! People do realize that coal is dirty too right?

10:50 The music for Fox New Election sounds like the really dangerous part of an action movie where the hero is about to fall of the ledge.

10:51 The Fox news touch screen is defective, and OBAMA WON VIRGINIA. But like the Barbie doll points out, it's just because that dumb state has too many black people. And stupid independents who are swung too easily. He still lost with the white voters, who are the ones who count.

10:53 The Republicans have to go back to being the "reform" party. They need to apply their "timeless principles" to "big ideas" and "clean their house" Ha Ha, the Democrats HAVE cleaned your house, bitches. And your principles had a time, it was 120 years ago. Also, try electing Congressmen who don't embarrass you all the time by being inarticulate bastards. This guy just warned about the "Europeanization of America".

10:56 Call It! Call It! Call It!

10:57 "If Obama wins tonight, it will be the fifth consecutive presidential election where the nominee with the better war record lost".

10:58 Anderson steels his gaze....yes we know about Virginia. C'MON. At least they said "LBJ" instead of "LBA" like Barbie.
AND YES.
BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

10:59 Everyone in Grant Park starts having sex with each other.

Vote tomorrow you bastards, I'll be vetting you for the next 4 years

okay, so I'm off to Texas tomorrow. It's good timing, considering I threw a drink in someone's face tonight and the guy playing touch screen crack at the bar hit on me even though he OBVIOUSLY knew he was wearing too much cologne. Last night I had a conversation about saying Hail Marys for confession, and its role as meditation, and in the spirit of things, here's my meditation tonight: Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please
Country Don't Let Me Down.



My next post better be full of HOPE goddamnit ACTUAL HOPE.

Barack Obama: Cockblocker

So I think I've refrained pretty well recently from ranting about the crazies who are coming out of the dark American closet, stuffed monkey, noose ad and all.
Which is why I thought I'd share this video with you. It's from evilshell. She prefaced it by saying she was ashamed to come from Ohio. But I'm sharing this with you because of the one guy by the side of the road, who makes me proud to come from Ohio.



I'd like to point out that most of those people in that segment were really old. Which means they will die soon.

Excerpts from my Fantasy Debate

MCCAIN: As president of the United States, people are going to be held accountable in my administration. And I promise you that that will happen.

LEHRER: Do you have something directly to say, Senator Obama, to Senator McCain about what he just said?

FANTASY OBAMA: Well, I think Senator McCain's absolutely right that we need more responsibility, but we need it not just when there's a crisis, asshole. I mean, we've had years in which the reigning economic ideology has been what's good for Wall Street, but not what's good for Main Street.
And there are folks out there who've been struggling before this crisis took place. And that's why it's so important, as we solve this short-term problem, that we look at some of the underlying issues that have led to wages and incomes for ordinary Americans to go down, the -- a health care system that is broken, energy policies that are not working, because, you know, 10 days ago, John said that the fundamentals of the economy are sound. John is a lying piece of senile shit, who is so completely cocooned in his gilded cage, his eyes have gone white like a cavefish. No seriously, those are contacts.

LEHRER: Say it directly to him.

F. OBAMA: He knows they’re contacts, that’s one of the many reasons he won’t release his medical records to the public. Also he’s a mummy. Every other word that comes out of his ancient Egyptian wunder-dentures is a fucking lie.

LEHRER: Say it directly to him.

F. OBAMA: Well, the -- John, 10 days ago, you said that the fundamentals of the economy are sound. And I think you should are either a) psychotically delusional, or b) a fucking liar and a real piece of work.

MCCAIN: Are you afraid I couldn't hear him?

AUDIENCE: (LAUGHTER)

LEHRER: I'm just determined to get you all to talk to each other. I'm going to try.

A few hours later....

MCCAIN: No one from Arizona is against solar. And Senator Obama says he's for nuclear, but he's against reprocessing and he's against storing. So...

F. OBAMA: That's just not true, John. John, I'm sorry, but that's not true.

MCCAIN: ... it's hard to get there from here. And off-shore drilling is also something that is very important and it is a bridge.
And we know that, if we drill off-shore and exploit a lot of these reserves, it will help, at temporarily, relieve our energy requirements. And it will have, I think, an important effect on the price of a barrel of oil.

F. OBAMA: How’s it going to affect it when the oil companies have been raping us for years? Is giving them more oil suddenly going to make them say “Hey, RAPING the American people is kind of mean, and look at all this crude we’ve got now, I think we should give it away for Christmas”?

MCCAIN: So I want to say that, with the Nunn-Lugar thing...

LEHRER: Excuse me, Senator.

F. OBAMA: Hey, old man, I was talking to you.

MCCAIN: ... I supported Nunn-Lugar back in the early 1990s when a lot of my colleagues didn't. That was the key legislation at the time and put us on the road to eliminating this issue of nuclear waste and the nuclear fuel that has to be taken care of.

F. OBAMA: Will you look at this old white guy, just ignoring me like I’m the elevator boy?
And, Senator McCain, he talks about Arizona. Everyone knows Arizona is full of meth-heads and cactus. They’ve been sucking this country’s water supplies for decades, all cause those hippies think its spiritually uplifting to live in the desert! The desert! It’s like asking for hurricane insurance when you live on a sand dune off the coast of Louisiana.

LEHRER: All right.

F. OBAMA: I've got to make this point, Jim. I think people should live where there are resources for them, so they don’t have to steal other peoples, like John has been sucking dry the fresh water of the Great Lakes, risking the futures of all the Midwest in the coming age of droughts and warming, an age that he has been actively working for. With all the effort he has put forth to bringing our country right to the brink of destruction, is it any wonder that the only words out of this troll’s mouth are “nuclear energy”? Yeah, 143 new nuclear power plants will be awesome!

LEHRER: OK.

F. OBAMA: That was sarcasm.

MCCAIN: I have voted for alternate fuel all of my time...

F. OBAMA: What the fuck.

(CROSSTALK)

LEHRER: One at a time, please.

F. OBAMA: He objected...

LEHRER: One at a time.

MCCAIN: No one can be opposed to alternate energy.

F. OBAMA: All right, fair enough. Even though you have been feeding the petro-monsters for years on nice juicy tax breaks you steal from the peasants, you’re right. No one with any kind of heart or actual Terra born DNA can be opposed to alternative energy. Next question please.

(MCCAIN HAS STROKE, PALIN TRIES TO DISTRACT AUDIENCE BY TAKING OFF HER SHIRT)