Thursday, May 17, 2007

Jerry Falwell is not in hell

Well, its been two days since he died, and so far I've received 3 text messages, 2 e-mails, and listened to three talk show pundits talk about the opportunistic bastard.

But I'm very tired of hearing about how he's burning in hell right now, because I think its stupid to believe in hell in the first place, and it doesn't make you any smarter than him, just more gullible. Really, who thinks Jerry Falwell actually believed in God?

This is a guy who converted to Jesus when he went to church and got a crush on the piano girl, who he later married. He's from a family of atheists, who was planning on going into engineering in college, and then *boom* he meets a nice christian girl and all of a sudden he's a Faithful?

Who knows what would have happened if he HAD become an engineer?

And he made a video essentially accusing Clinton of smuggling cocaine? He supported the white government of South Africa? He supported all the worst parts of Israel, while proclaiming the anti-christ would be a Jew? (yeah, I know we've heard that a million times in the last two days, but, c'mon, its a good one)

If we lived in a world without religion, he would be selling you videos and telling you about how he bought his first house at the age of 17! Without a penny to his name!

Anyway, he's dead, and he'll be just as loud dead as he was alive, and his body will decompose and stuff. But he's not burning in hell, or rejoicing in heaven, or doing anything of the sort. He's just dead. His death has little to no impact on our lives at all. Stupid stupid.

Observations to start off my day here

Finally! Howard Dean, Sean, John McCain, and I all agree on something! Torture is beneath us!

I really really wish that McCain had never thrown his lot in with those evildoers. Not that I want him to be president, but I certainly don't want him to be Republican. Its like watching your old grandpa become less and less cool in direct inverse proportion to his ability to sustain an erection.

Half of the Republican candidates don't believe in evolution. How did this happen to us?

The front runner for the Republicans is a Mormon who wants to double the size of Guantanamo?

The front runners for the Democrats are a white lady and a black guy from Chicago?

This has got to be the weirdest election in American history. And while I should welcome revolution, good or bad, I instead want to crawl in a hole and read Nixon histories till its over.

The closest thing to normalcy we could ever expect, as Sean pointed out, was McCain versus Edwards.

The last election I stopped talking to anyone I knew who voted for Bush. I don't know how to treat anyone who votes for Mitt Romney. I mean, they will have proven themselves mentally retarded. At that point, I will stop railing about stupid people, and instead embrace the idea that stupidity is in fact a mental disease, a genetic flaw that needs to be actively treated as a disablement. No wonder they want to stop stem cell research. Ideally, it would wipe all of them out eventually.

Which reminds me of the group of parents who are campaigning for doctors to let them talk to mothers who find out their unborn child will be retarded. These parents want those mothers to meet their own grown children, who haven't developed past five and can't be independent, but can happily sing a song and show off like five year olds. They want to show those mothers how happy these children can be, so that they won't get abortions. But over and over again in the article, the parents of the retarded children said that they were worried about so many people being able to catch and stop these pregnancies, because what will happen to their grown up babies when the world is no longer producing anymore of them? So their real motivation is not the welfare of the parents or the happiness of the unborn child, but selfishness and a desire for more people to go through what they go through, so they can be a majority.

And it is people like that who vote for Mitt Romney. They do not have the future of the Human Race in their thoughts. They are only concerned about there being more people just like them, even though they aren't so happy themselves.

People who would vote for Rudy Giuliani watch too many movies. And drink too much.

Friday, May 11, 2007


There are so many bands on Myspace called Kiddo, that by the time I find the local Cleveland band's page, I don't like them out of pure principle. That principle being google your bands name before you decide on it. Please.

My friend posted Paris Hilton's address in jail, so we can all write her. Normally I wouldn't be interested in this sort of thing, except that I have a natural talent at convincing stupid girls that they adore me cause I'm just so funny. So I think I want to write a bedtime story for Paris. You know, something to counteract all the hate mail and weird psycho adoring fan mail. Something maybe about a girl named Rebecca, who has a magic pad of paper, and when she draws things, they come true. We'll call it "Rebecca's talent". And Rebecca draws a picture where all the prisoners in L.A. County are freed, and then she's raped and murdered by a child molester with a tattoo of the blue carebear on his arm. But before she dies, she draws the blue carebear, and it comes alive, and rips the guy's head off. And then cries over Rebecca's body. The End.

I wonder if other people do the same thing, writing normal stuff to celebrities randomly. I wonder if they ever get read? I wonder if Paris has ever read anything by Fitzgerald. Sometimes she strikes me as a Fitzgerald girl. People don't appreciate that kind of storyline anymore. It's the sex and drinking. The magazines let that overpower the real story, and then, like cursing, it gives people an excuse not to listen anymore. Not that its meaningful or anything. Just interesting. Maybe. Maybe. I guess the guys were always more interesting in those books, what if that wasn't just bias on F.S.'s part? Maybe guys are just more interesting when deathly rich.

This Side of Paradise is really fucking with my mind lately.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

American Express hates poor people

When I got my new tires at NTB, the guy talked me into getting a lot of other work done and putting it on an NTB card, which was 90 days same as cash. Part of the promotion was they send you a 50$ prepaid gift card. Which is nice, except when it comes in the mail 9 weeks later and turns out to be an American Express card.

Which you can't use at a gas station.
Can't use at the grocery store.
Can't use to get coffee at work.

So even though I wanted to be responsible, I was practically forced to use it for frivolous and unnecessary things.

This morning I went to Half Price books with it, and came home with lots of things that don't contribute to my productivity as a citizen.
For instance:

Short Stories - F.Scott Fitzgerald
The Love of the Last Tycoon - F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Years Best Science Fiction - 1999
War With the Robots - various authors
Rabbit at Rest - John Updike
Lake Wobegon Summer 1956 - Garrison Keillor
A Man In Full - Tom Wolfe
Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
The Prince and Pauper - Mark Twain
Pleasures and Days - Marcel Proust
Royal Poxes and Potions - Raymond Lamont Brown
Mr. Midshipman Hornblower - C S Forester
A Good Man is Hard to Find - Flannery O'Connor
The Civil War Through the Camera
The Book of the American West

The last two look like gifts for a 12 yr old boy in 1982. Awesome.

Books I will eventually buy from Amazon:
God is Not Great
Survival of Sickness
The Black Swan
Basically anything featured on the Daily Show since that's all I watch and usually at that time of night everything looks more interesting than my life.

So keep your stupid American Express card, Ms. Kate Winslet, Mr. Robert DeNiro. Visa understands that I don't jet around Europe on a regular and I don't need a 49,000 line of credit to buy vending machine cappuchino.

Its a Red Dawn darlings, but its not the Cubans invading, its Experion.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Oh Mitt.....

I seriously encourage everyone to check out our candidates myspace pages. Couple of things to look for....

John Edwards has a theme song and its "Times Like These" by the Foo Fighters. One of the Foo Fighters used to be in Nirvana. Therefore, John Edwards likes Nirvana. Or he's the only one to figure out that you can add songs to your page really easily. Points for learning page design, John.

Of course, Dennis Kucinich goes one over poor John. His sound clip is himself, teaching you how to say Kucinich. Also, his page is way snazzier style wise. Can't beat the 12 point plan.

Bill Richardson and Tommy Thompson are in my Extended Network. Tommy Thompson? What?

And somebody needs to let the Giuliani campaign know that they have his profile set to "Private". Or they already know, and some poor intern actually spends his days reviewing friends requests and approving them.