Top Chef Finale: The Anticlimax

There have been many things said about this past season of Top Chef. The talent pool was lacking. It was like watching children in the kitchen. Why was there a Muppet competing? Last night’s episode was the worst episode of the show ever. In a season that looked for the past few weeks like it might actually pick up, and the final three might actually be solid competitors, last night proved that Bravo’s editors are really just that good at tricking us. They should win an award for their creative cut and paste.

Our final three were Carla the belatedly-beloved aforementioned Muppet, Stefan the arrogant Great White Dick who easily won everything, and Hosea the Suck Dog of Suckville.

Carla started the competition off very weak, the victim of nervousness and insecurity, but managed to pull herself together in the middle and win a few times. She never did anything too complicated, and it’s true she fucked up some simple shit, but she emerged as the audience favorite by virtue of not being a whiny douche bag. None of us really thought she was up to the level of Top Chef, but we weren’t sad to see her in the Top 3, because she would make an adorable sacrificial contestant. What she lacked in creativity, she made up in French classical technique and sincere love.

Stefan was an arrogant guy, but probably the most talented of the pool. The editors forced a Hosea/Stefan rivalry on us, but the reality was Stefan is just one of those guys who will make fun of you if you deserve it, and Hosea was a yippy little antagonizing Chihuahua constantly nipping his heels. We were all rooting for Stefan to give Hosea a well deserved kick in the face since Stefan won the most challenges throughout the season, he showed the most consistency, and he seemed like the shoo-in once Fabio was sent home.

Lastly there was Hosea. This guy was consistent as well, consistently mediocre. He skated his way through to the end because everyone else was so bad. He never made anything that will be remembered. And he spent most of his time being a 12 yr old, whether it be cheating on his girlfriend with Suckface Leah, or acting like a petulant dork around Stefan. Hosea’s big claim to fame was always seafood, “I work at seafood restaurant, this is my specialty, this is what I’m good at”, ect. But despite him mentioning this background every episode, his seafood dishes always fell just short of the winners. And the guy didn’t know how to skin an eel. Which turned out to be one of the highlights of this season, watching Stefan nail the eel head to the board and pull the sticking skin off.

So for the final episode, Padma and her band of frustrated judges gave them the challenge of creating a 3 course meal for them, whatever and however they wanted. In past seasons, the finale has always been a big deal, and at least five courses. It’s a reflection of the overall air of disappointment here that they shaved it down to three courses, and no live finale announcement. What’s even more disappointing is that despite the three month break, none of the chefs had planned out any sort of menu. It’s like they forgot this part was coming.

The second place winners from past seasons came back to “help” in the kitchen. Marcel, Richard and Casey were assigned as sous chefs to our hapless pawns. Marcel quietly took orders from Stefan and acted the obedient worker, meek from his year on a fishing boat. Richard obviously was not a fan of Hosea’s, and kept to himself as well. But Casey, fan darling and consummate fuck up, took action to turn Carla’s menu into a masterpiece of Casey bullshit. “Oh Carla, why don’t you try sous vide on this beef? Oh Carla, a tart is nice, but wouldn’t a blue cheese soufflé be much classier?”

Needless to say, Carla’s beef was too tough, and the soufflés never even made it out of the kitchen. Because Carla doesn’t know how to sous vide and she makes tarts, not soufflés. So Carla was out even before she began.

Which left Stefan and Hosea. Fat face Hosea tried to screw Stefan by giving him alligator for the appetizer (a contest which involved a golden baby and Hosea stuffing his face with cake). Then Hosea took all the foie gras. Then Hosea smirked and sniggered, and fantasized about a riding a giant dinosaur through the streets of New Orleans, Leah clutched to his back with her bony fingers.

Both of their appetizers rocked though. Then both of their sashimi sucked. Both their main entrees rocked. Then, for a third course, Stefan decided to make dessert and Hosea made venison because he can’t make dessert at all.

The judges were really split on this course. On the one hand, Hosea is a baby coward for not making dessert, because a three course menu should end with dessert. However, they weren’t required to make a dessert, so technically no points off. While some of the judges liked his dessert, Padma was adamantly against it, accusing Stefan of time warping back to 1992. But other judges were like, “hey, what’s up with Hosea being a coward?”

So in the end, Stefan should not have made dessert. Hosea won. Carla cried and vowed to never listen to Casey again, especially about cheese. And every single person on that set breathed a sigh of relief that this crummy season was over. Though Stefan probably should have won, by this point nobody, not the audience, the producers, the judges, really gave two shits anymore. And Hosea got pecked to death by Leah’s hard thin bitter lips, a fate which should go well with his future as head chef at Red Lobster.

Padma then crawled back into her coffin, to sleep unbroken until the world called for her again.