So here is my own personal post-modern contemporary womanly dilemma...
All of my TV is ending.
Not really true. TV has always, and will always exist. TV is like a mythical smoke monster that came out of a giant glowing island vagina, and can never die, or leave, or have sex with the crazy blonde girl he's been keeping alive for no apparent reason.
Sigh.
Specifically, America's Next Top Model is over, which was my favorite writing exercise every week. Now I'm going to have to find some other mid-week topic that involves little to no thought. But nothing is going to replace Tyra's special brand of fantasy crazy. Luckily, I will soon have the first novel in her three book deal, MODELLAND, to hold me over till the next Cycle starts. I will totally be liveblogging that shit. I mean, this is from her website guys:
"The story happens in a make-believe place called Modelland - every girl in the world wants to go there because it’s where “Intoxibellas” are trained. Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too... The story follows a teen girl and her friends who find themselves magically transported to Modelland, even though they’re really not supposed to be there. (Okay, now, that’s ALL I’m saying!) "
There's nothing more that needs to be said, Tyra.
That picture above reminds me of a lot of the reasons I love ANTM so much. The dirty mattress. The open door. The zebra stripe pattern and random bright pink paintball splatter. And the radioactive slime. I think "Intoxibellas" must be birthed here from a Queen, and then gain their special powers from the ooze before they are mentored into fierceness by a giant talking rat.
So no more models for a while. I guess I could go back to liveblogging Top Chef, which starts in June, but that's never as much fun, because I generally actually care who wins that show. And I feel bad making fun of people with so much more talent than me. Also there is less opportunity to mention dragons and androids.
Lost is over on Sunday, which is scaring me, because I don't think there is any way for them to resolve this satisfactorily, unless someone ascends into space all Mother Mary style, and unless that someone is Desmond, and also he absorbs all the electro magnetic mojo of the island and then blows up, scattering it across the universe creating thousands more islands where everyone can go live and be cured of cancer and have Dharma smoothies.
America: The History of Us just covered the industrial revolution, so that's probably got only what? 2 episodes left? I really hope the last episode is the one where Bank of America reveals it's super secret Grand Plan for America. I hope that plan involves algae food factories and Group Think.
I'm always so optimistic when it comes to programming.
I would seriously contemplate regular Mad Men parties, but I don't have the funds to be investing in those duds, and I am terrible at cleaning my house because I have a job and a social life, so take that 1970s!
This blog is going to get SO boring.
Showing posts with label Top Chef. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Chef. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What the hell am I going to do now?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Top Chef Finale: The Anticlimax
There have been many things said about this past season of Top Chef. The talent pool was lacking. It was like watching children in the kitchen. Why was there a Muppet competing? Last night’s episode was the worst episode of the show ever. In a season that looked for the past few weeks like it might actually pick up, and the final three might actually be solid competitors, last night proved that Bravo’s editors are really just that good at tricking us. They should win an award for their creative cut and paste.
Our final three were Carla the belatedly-beloved aforementioned Muppet, Stefan the arrogant Great White Dick who easily won everything, and Hosea the Suck Dog of Suckville.
Carla started the competition off very weak, the victim of nervousness and insecurity, but managed to pull herself together in the middle and win a few times. She never did anything too complicated, and it’s true she fucked up some simple shit, but she emerged as the audience favorite by virtue of not being a whiny douche bag. None of us really thought she was up to the level of Top Chef, but we weren’t sad to see her in the Top 3, because she would make an adorable sacrificial contestant. What she lacked in creativity, she made up in French classical technique and sincere love.
Stefan was an arrogant guy, but probably the most talented of the pool. The editors forced a Hosea/Stefan rivalry on us, but the reality was Stefan is just one of those guys who will make fun of you if you deserve it, and Hosea was a yippy little antagonizing Chihuahua constantly nipping his heels. We were all rooting for Stefan to give Hosea a well deserved kick in the face since Stefan won the most challenges throughout the season, he showed the most consistency, and he seemed like the shoo-in once Fabio was sent home.
Lastly there was Hosea. This guy was consistent as well, consistently mediocre. He skated his way through to the end because everyone else was so bad. He never made anything that will be remembered. And he spent most of his time being a 12 yr old, whether it be cheating on his girlfriend with Suckface Leah, or acting like a petulant dork around Stefan. Hosea’s big claim to fame was always seafood, “I work at seafood restaurant, this is my specialty, this is what I’m good at”, ect. But despite him mentioning this background every episode, his seafood dishes always fell just short of the winners. And the guy didn’t know how to skin an eel. Which turned out to be one of the highlights of this season, watching Stefan nail the eel head to the board and pull the sticking skin off.
So for the final episode, Padma and her band of frustrated judges gave them the challenge of creating a 3 course meal for them, whatever and however they wanted. In past seasons, the finale has always been a big deal, and at least five courses. It’s a reflection of the overall air of disappointment here that they shaved it down to three courses, and no live finale announcement. What’s even more disappointing is that despite the three month break, none of the chefs had planned out any sort of menu. It’s like they forgot this part was coming.
The second place winners from past seasons came back to “help” in the kitchen. Marcel, Richard and Casey were assigned as sous chefs to our hapless pawns. Marcel quietly took orders from Stefan and acted the obedient worker, meek from his year on a fishing boat. Richard obviously was not a fan of Hosea’s, and kept to himself as well. But Casey, fan darling and consummate fuck up, took action to turn Carla’s menu into a masterpiece of Casey bullshit. “Oh Carla, why don’t you try sous vide on this beef? Oh Carla, a tart is nice, but wouldn’t a blue cheese soufflé be much classier?”
Needless to say, Carla’s beef was too tough, and the soufflés never even made it out of the kitchen. Because Carla doesn’t know how to sous vide and she makes tarts, not soufflés. So Carla was out even before she began.
Which left Stefan and Hosea. Fat face Hosea tried to screw Stefan by giving him alligator for the appetizer (a contest which involved a golden baby and Hosea stuffing his face with cake). Then Hosea took all the foie gras. Then Hosea smirked and sniggered, and fantasized about a riding a giant dinosaur through the streets of New Orleans, Leah clutched to his back with her bony fingers.
Both of their appetizers rocked though. Then both of their sashimi sucked. Both their main entrees rocked. Then, for a third course, Stefan decided to make dessert and Hosea made venison because he can’t make dessert at all.
The judges were really split on this course. On the one hand, Hosea is a baby coward for not making dessert, because a three course menu should end with dessert. However, they weren’t required to make a dessert, so technically no points off. While some of the judges liked his dessert, Padma was adamantly against it, accusing Stefan of time warping back to 1992. But other judges were like, “hey, what’s up with Hosea being a coward?”
So in the end, Stefan should not have made dessert. Hosea won. Carla cried and vowed to never listen to Casey again, especially about cheese. And every single person on that set breathed a sigh of relief that this crummy season was over. Though Stefan probably should have won, by this point nobody, not the audience, the producers, the judges, really gave two shits anymore. And Hosea got pecked to death by Leah’s hard thin bitter lips, a fate which should go well with his future as head chef at Red Lobster.
Padma then crawled back into her coffin, to sleep unbroken until the world called for her again.
Our final three were Carla the belatedly-beloved aforementioned Muppet, Stefan the arrogant Great White Dick who easily won everything, and Hosea the Suck Dog of Suckville.
Carla started the competition off very weak, the victim of nervousness and insecurity, but managed to pull herself together in the middle and win a few times. She never did anything too complicated, and it’s true she fucked up some simple shit, but she emerged as the audience favorite by virtue of not being a whiny douche bag. None of us really thought she was up to the level of Top Chef, but we weren’t sad to see her in the Top 3, because she would make an adorable sacrificial contestant. What she lacked in creativity, she made up in French classical technique and sincere love.
Stefan was an arrogant guy, but probably the most talented of the pool. The editors forced a Hosea/Stefan rivalry on us, but the reality was Stefan is just one of those guys who will make fun of you if you deserve it, and Hosea was a yippy little antagonizing Chihuahua constantly nipping his heels. We were all rooting for Stefan to give Hosea a well deserved kick in the face since Stefan won the most challenges throughout the season, he showed the most consistency, and he seemed like the shoo-in once Fabio was sent home.
Lastly there was Hosea. This guy was consistent as well, consistently mediocre. He skated his way through to the end because everyone else was so bad. He never made anything that will be remembered. And he spent most of his time being a 12 yr old, whether it be cheating on his girlfriend with Suckface Leah, or acting like a petulant dork around Stefan. Hosea’s big claim to fame was always seafood, “I work at seafood restaurant, this is my specialty, this is what I’m good at”, ect. But despite him mentioning this background every episode, his seafood dishes always fell just short of the winners. And the guy didn’t know how to skin an eel. Which turned out to be one of the highlights of this season, watching Stefan nail the eel head to the board and pull the sticking skin off.
So for the final episode, Padma and her band of frustrated judges gave them the challenge of creating a 3 course meal for them, whatever and however they wanted. In past seasons, the finale has always been a big deal, and at least five courses. It’s a reflection of the overall air of disappointment here that they shaved it down to three courses, and no live finale announcement. What’s even more disappointing is that despite the three month break, none of the chefs had planned out any sort of menu. It’s like they forgot this part was coming.
The second place winners from past seasons came back to “help” in the kitchen. Marcel, Richard and Casey were assigned as sous chefs to our hapless pawns. Marcel quietly took orders from Stefan and acted the obedient worker, meek from his year on a fishing boat. Richard obviously was not a fan of Hosea’s, and kept to himself as well. But Casey, fan darling and consummate fuck up, took action to turn Carla’s menu into a masterpiece of Casey bullshit. “Oh Carla, why don’t you try sous vide on this beef? Oh Carla, a tart is nice, but wouldn’t a blue cheese soufflé be much classier?”
Needless to say, Carla’s beef was too tough, and the soufflés never even made it out of the kitchen. Because Carla doesn’t know how to sous vide and she makes tarts, not soufflés. So Carla was out even before she began.
Which left Stefan and Hosea. Fat face Hosea tried to screw Stefan by giving him alligator for the appetizer (a contest which involved a golden baby and Hosea stuffing his face with cake). Then Hosea took all the foie gras. Then Hosea smirked and sniggered, and fantasized about a riding a giant dinosaur through the streets of New Orleans, Leah clutched to his back with her bony fingers.
Both of their appetizers rocked though. Then both of their sashimi sucked. Both their main entrees rocked. Then, for a third course, Stefan decided to make dessert and Hosea made venison because he can’t make dessert at all.
The judges were really split on this course. On the one hand, Hosea is a baby coward for not making dessert, because a three course menu should end with dessert. However, they weren’t required to make a dessert, so technically no points off. While some of the judges liked his dessert, Padma was adamantly against it, accusing Stefan of time warping back to 1992. But other judges were like, “hey, what’s up with Hosea being a coward?”
So in the end, Stefan should not have made dessert. Hosea won. Carla cried and vowed to never listen to Casey again, especially about cheese. And every single person on that set breathed a sigh of relief that this crummy season was over. Though Stefan probably should have won, by this point nobody, not the audience, the producers, the judges, really gave two shits anymore. And Hosea got pecked to death by Leah’s hard thin bitter lips, a fate which should go well with his future as head chef at Red Lobster.
Padma then crawled back into her coffin, to sleep unbroken until the world called for her again.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Is It Supposed to Feel This Empty?
When last night’s episode ended, I immediately wanted to post a recap. Only one sentence: Thank you Tom for keeping Stefan.
But then I realized that a) it would be rude to abandon my friends for the computer immediately, and b) that’s not a very compelling commentary, although it pretty much sums up the episode. Oh, and c) I would miss the Daily Show. Plus d) I was pretty drunk at that point and should probably just finish my glass and go to bed and worry about my geeky little blog tomorrow.
So now I’m a bit more clear-headed, let’s see if I can make this a bit more interesting…
There’s only five chefs left; Leah (no), Hosea (double no), Stefan, Fabio, and Carla. I’m a little more excited about a finale with those last three than I’ve been through this entire season, but there’s no one I’m really rooting for. If any of those three win, I’m good. But first we have to get to the top three, which means Leah and Hosea have to go. Leah is easy to get rid of, but Hosea might prove a little more challenging, and I’ll be heartbroken if he beats Stefan. He’s always smirking around him, and saying snide little things, and even though he has a great “I love Padma” shirt, I really don’t think he’s good enough.
At this stage in the competition, the producers bring out the big culinary stars. Eric Ripert was the beginning last week, and this week they brought Wylie Dufresne out from the underground lab where he’s been hiding out, trying to animate a piece of broccoli. He transports himself to the Top Chef Kitchen, and materializes in his chosen costume of Comicon Director. Then he tells us, for the first of 14 times this episode, how much he loves eggs. God, Wylie loves eggs. He loves breakfast, he loves eggs, he loves eggshells, and he loves yolks and runniness. He dreams of ostrich, albatross, carrier pigeon eggs. He longs for the comfort of his own special birth egg, the warm darkness and the curve of the shell cold against his skin. Wylie has a thing for eggs.
So the chefs have to make an egg dish for him, and since he’s Mr. Wizard, they all try and do quick clever things. Except for Carla, who makes green eggs and ham? A lame little joke that has been done about five times on this show. But it must have been the best green eggs and ham ever, because it beats out Stefan’s “pretend poached egg” panna cotta with mango puree in the middle to simulate yolk. Anyway, she wins. The local viewing audience thinks this is pretty lame.
For the main challenge, every chef is assigned a famous culinary superstar and has to cook their requested last meal for them. Leah gets Wylie, who requests eggs benedict. Carla gets Jacque Pepin, and almost wets herself over peas and squab. All the meals are pretty simple in fact, shrimp scampi, roasted chicken. Who requests roasted chicken as their last meal?
The exciting things that happened are as follows:
- All the guest judges sit at a long table in an empty room, and get the weird Barbara Walters interview lighting treatment. Everyone has an aura. It’s annoying and distracting, and they probably did it because all the judges were so old.
- Fabio breaks his finger. He declines going to the hospital, saying that he will instead “chop it off, sear it on the flat top, and serve it.” He has a lot of trouble peeling potatoes, but pulls it through and actually wins the challenge. For his reward they give him a giant bottle of wine to pair with his painkillers. By the end of the episode, he’s so hopped up; he’s standing on chairs and yelling about immigrant achievements.
- Carla’s peas are apparently great, and now I want peas really badly.
- Leah makes her hollandaise too runny.
- Stefan overcooks his fish.
So the bottom two are Leah and Stefan, and those tricky editors, they really made me think it was over for the Great White Threat from the North. I mean, it was nothing but “wow the salmon was overcooked” and “I couldn’t even tell there were 2 kinds of spinach”. It looks really bad for him, and all of us in the room are sitting on the edge of our chairs, praying that it’s a trick and Leah goes home. The only glimmer of hope is when Tom decides to stand up for Stefan, apparently to thank us fans for putting up with the crap this season. I heard him say that, right before he asked the chefs to not embarrass him in front of Pepin.
Well, looks like Tom is really running the show, because finally Leah goes home, Stefan stays, the rooms screams in joy because we really like screaming at this show, and hope and joy is restored to the universe.
When this show is over, I’m totally going to start going to Prosperity Karaoke.
But then I realized that a) it would be rude to abandon my friends for the computer immediately, and b) that’s not a very compelling commentary, although it pretty much sums up the episode. Oh, and c) I would miss the Daily Show. Plus d) I was pretty drunk at that point and should probably just finish my glass and go to bed and worry about my geeky little blog tomorrow.
So now I’m a bit more clear-headed, let’s see if I can make this a bit more interesting…
There’s only five chefs left; Leah (no), Hosea (double no), Stefan, Fabio, and Carla. I’m a little more excited about a finale with those last three than I’ve been through this entire season, but there’s no one I’m really rooting for. If any of those three win, I’m good. But first we have to get to the top three, which means Leah and Hosea have to go. Leah is easy to get rid of, but Hosea might prove a little more challenging, and I’ll be heartbroken if he beats Stefan. He’s always smirking around him, and saying snide little things, and even though he has a great “I love Padma” shirt, I really don’t think he’s good enough.
At this stage in the competition, the producers bring out the big culinary stars. Eric Ripert was the beginning last week, and this week they brought Wylie Dufresne out from the underground lab where he’s been hiding out, trying to animate a piece of broccoli. He transports himself to the Top Chef Kitchen, and materializes in his chosen costume of Comicon Director. Then he tells us, for the first of 14 times this episode, how much he loves eggs. God, Wylie loves eggs. He loves breakfast, he loves eggs, he loves eggshells, and he loves yolks and runniness. He dreams of ostrich, albatross, carrier pigeon eggs. He longs for the comfort of his own special birth egg, the warm darkness and the curve of the shell cold against his skin. Wylie has a thing for eggs.
So the chefs have to make an egg dish for him, and since he’s Mr. Wizard, they all try and do quick clever things. Except for Carla, who makes green eggs and ham? A lame little joke that has been done about five times on this show. But it must have been the best green eggs and ham ever, because it beats out Stefan’s “pretend poached egg” panna cotta with mango puree in the middle to simulate yolk. Anyway, she wins. The local viewing audience thinks this is pretty lame.
For the main challenge, every chef is assigned a famous culinary superstar and has to cook their requested last meal for them. Leah gets Wylie, who requests eggs benedict. Carla gets Jacque Pepin, and almost wets herself over peas and squab. All the meals are pretty simple in fact, shrimp scampi, roasted chicken. Who requests roasted chicken as their last meal?
The exciting things that happened are as follows:
- All the guest judges sit at a long table in an empty room, and get the weird Barbara Walters interview lighting treatment. Everyone has an aura. It’s annoying and distracting, and they probably did it because all the judges were so old.
- Fabio breaks his finger. He declines going to the hospital, saying that he will instead “chop it off, sear it on the flat top, and serve it.” He has a lot of trouble peeling potatoes, but pulls it through and actually wins the challenge. For his reward they give him a giant bottle of wine to pair with his painkillers. By the end of the episode, he’s so hopped up; he’s standing on chairs and yelling about immigrant achievements.
- Carla’s peas are apparently great, and now I want peas really badly.
- Leah makes her hollandaise too runny.
- Stefan overcooks his fish.
So the bottom two are Leah and Stefan, and those tricky editors, they really made me think it was over for the Great White Threat from the North. I mean, it was nothing but “wow the salmon was overcooked” and “I couldn’t even tell there were 2 kinds of spinach”. It looks really bad for him, and all of us in the room are sitting on the edge of our chairs, praying that it’s a trick and Leah goes home. The only glimmer of hope is when Tom decides to stand up for Stefan, apparently to thank us fans for putting up with the crap this season. I heard him say that, right before he asked the chefs to not embarrass him in front of Pepin.
Well, looks like Tom is really running the show, because finally Leah goes home, Stefan stays, the rooms screams in joy because we really like screaming at this show, and hope and joy is restored to the universe.
When this show is over, I’m totally going to start going to Prosperity Karaoke.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Fire On The Mountain Top, or How Jamie Learned To Love The Bomb
Last night, the chefs gathered as salt seasoned supplicants at the foothills of the Throne of the Seafood King of New York. First the novices tasted the glories of the Seafood King. Then they were led, blindfolded, into the warm inner mountain, where for centuries the stone has smelled of butter candles and garlic, the Michelin stars glittering on the cavern ceilings. Then they were asked to recreate these dishes for the Master*. This would allow the Master and his Disciples to determine the true level of focus, dedication, and loyalty of the novice. One by one, the dishes came out, and he of the flowing gray locks made no noise, but crinkled his eyes or turned up his nose, single gestures that determined the novice's entire future.
And the lesson for today is: Jamie, why the snarky attititude? You know nobody fucks with Eric Ripert and wins.
So Jamie was decapitated and her head mounted on the temple walls, as a lesson to anyone who might dare to call his food "too simple".
*sidenote: when you google 'monk of highest order", there is a wiki article someone wrote about themselves which is hilarious, not to mention about 9 million forum users arguing amongst themselves.
And the lesson for today is: Jamie, why the snarky attititude? You know nobody fucks with Eric Ripert and wins.
So Jamie was decapitated and her head mounted on the temple walls, as a lesson to anyone who might dare to call his food "too simple".
*sidenote: when you google 'monk of highest order", there is a wiki article someone wrote about themselves which is hilarious, not to mention about 9 million forum users arguing amongst themselves.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Top Chef: The Last Battle Approaches
One of the weirdest aspects of this show is, like all reality shows, that the episodes are not showing in real time. When they were showing the Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes, it was the middle of summer. A little disconcerting for the chefs I’m sure, but here’s the real question; did Hosea and Leah tell their significant others about cheating on them when they got home? Or did they wait 3 months until the show aired?
The consequences of their weird middle school indiscretions have taken their toll on the pair. Leah especially seems to have been skinned and turned inside out. She’s become quiet, subdued, and much more focused on just doing the challenge. It turns out guilt might actually work for her. Hosea, on the other hand, is just as perky, but his dishes seemed to suffer for it. I was really starting to think Hosea might eek it out to the end, but as C. suggested, maybe cooking is like boxing. You’re not supposed to fuck before the fight.
This was the first episode of the end of the season. All the chaff has been separated, and we’re left with the wheat, for better or worse. I became aware of this shift when I realized I kinda liked every chef that was left. I mean, there isn’t anyone I hate or think is so un-talented that the casting execs should be brutalized viciously for letting them walk on set.
Carla officially won over the peanut gallery last night, as adult professional behavior tends to do when your other choice is watching 2 idiots naively ruin their home lives. Seriously, CAMERAS. Why would you ever do something like that? It’s not even like they got it on, all they did was make out. Since when is making out worth humiliating your girlfriend or boyfriend like that? I understand when weird MySpace whores do it, but you guys are supposed to be career professionals. Oh well, enough of that. I’m done judging.
Ha! Like hell I am.
So last night’s episode was all Super Bowl themed, which would be weird anyway without the fact that it was filmed in August. The Quickfire challenge was some football bingo thing, where there’s this chart with unknown random numbers on the x and y, and everyone signs up for a random square. Then during the game, you use the score somehow to see who won? I have no idea how this works, but I should probably learn, because I just bought two boxes on the office game. I have never heard of this before, but apparently it’s big enough that Top Chef can expect their Bravo watching, sea salt buying audience to know what it is. Whatever, its reverse battleship.
So the chefs randomly picked a food item, and then everyone got Oats, because this was a fixed game and everyone was going to use Oats since Quaker Oats is the corporate sponsor who keeps Padma’s skin so refreshingly soft. It pains me that when people think oatmeal, they think of those oats. There are so many other great brands of oats out there. Quaker Oats is like Band-aids and Listerine, they’ve got it and no one is taking it away, despite the fact that Quaker Oats leave this weird oat flavored water behind when you cook them. The chefs have to create a dish using Oats, a challenge Jeff affectionately calls “oat crazy”. Jeff fails at this by the way. Jeff looks really defeated or really stoned, or both. We wonder if maybe Jeff has been smoking with Padma in the back, and maybe this is really Bravo’s strategy for keeping the eliminations interesting, pick one sacrificial guy who Padma seduces with drugs and booty, and then distracts into oblivion….
Also we learn that Fabio killed the Guest Judge’s brother. Or something like that. Cause that guy hates Fabio.
The main challenge is way more interesting. They bring back all these old Top Chef contestants, and they pit them head to head with the Season 5 guys. It’s all football themed, but who cares, the important thing is ANDREW CAME BACK. Andrew tells Season 5 they better watch out because he’s going to “stomp them” and then he will be “peeing on your bodies”.
At this point S. has this to say about Andrew, “I don’t care if he rubs his penis raw with sandpaper and dips it in a cocaine bath, he’s the best.”
Okay, so the first match up is Leah vs. my old arch nemesis Nikki. Who I seriously confused with the late Ariane from this season, cause I was all “goddamnit, they just got rid of her, why is she back?” They are the same evil witch. Leah and her Hormones win.
Next Hosea vs. Miguel, otherwise known as “Chunk”. Miguel is a small lead poisoned child. Hosea wins.
Cut to Andrew playing with live crawfish like a cat.
Carla vs. someone I don’t remember and she wins. Oh, that’s right, it was ANDREW.
Stefan vs. Andrea. Stefan makes googly eyes at her, she returned the favor by cooking his eyes in a chili and serving them to him. Andrea wins.
Cut to Andrew bashing Stefan in a really funny way but I can’t remember what he said and for some reason no one posted it in any of their recaps, so it will remain a secret. And yes, there are multiple Top chef recaps. There is an army of them. I am a cog in a giant secret weird product placement machine.
Cut to Stefan saying “I’m a douche bag”, and this elevates to best episode ever.
Cut to a screen shot of the scoreboard they’re using in the back room: Top Chef, 34; Douches, 26.
Jamie vs. Camille who doesn’t ever talk and never gets featured and I guess her restaurant burned down which is really sad cause I think Camille is probably the coolest person in real life. Jamie wins.
Jeff vs. Josie. Josie the floppy overly happy not very talented. Josie who makes a HOT ceviche vs. Jeff’s COLD ceviche. And Josie wins. Which means Jeff deserves to go home.
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate Jeff. His steely eyes. His perfect blonde hair. The fact that he worked at the Dildo Club in Miami…..
Finally it’s Fabio vs. Spike the Scary Man in the Really Bad Hat. Fabio loses to the judges, but wins the field goal (you don’t want to know), and pulls it out for Season 5.
Judges Table: Carla wins. Jamie impersonates Olivia Newton John with a gold forehead band. The Guest Judge takes Fabio’s heart, makes a tartar, and serves it to Toby Young with a nice Shiraz, insult to injury since of course all the best red wines come from Italy. Then Guest Judge makes Toby throw it back up again, whisks in some play-doh, puts it back in his chest, and tells Fabio to fuck himself. Stefan sits in the back room, playing with a lighter and either contemplating burning the place down or getting really mellow. And Jeff goes home…looking like the little boy who’s new Christmas bicycle just got run over by a milk truck.
The End.
The consequences of their weird middle school indiscretions have taken their toll on the pair. Leah especially seems to have been skinned and turned inside out. She’s become quiet, subdued, and much more focused on just doing the challenge. It turns out guilt might actually work for her. Hosea, on the other hand, is just as perky, but his dishes seemed to suffer for it. I was really starting to think Hosea might eek it out to the end, but as C. suggested, maybe cooking is like boxing. You’re not supposed to fuck before the fight.
This was the first episode of the end of the season. All the chaff has been separated, and we’re left with the wheat, for better or worse. I became aware of this shift when I realized I kinda liked every chef that was left. I mean, there isn’t anyone I hate or think is so un-talented that the casting execs should be brutalized viciously for letting them walk on set.
Carla officially won over the peanut gallery last night, as adult professional behavior tends to do when your other choice is watching 2 idiots naively ruin their home lives. Seriously, CAMERAS. Why would you ever do something like that? It’s not even like they got it on, all they did was make out. Since when is making out worth humiliating your girlfriend or boyfriend like that? I understand when weird MySpace whores do it, but you guys are supposed to be career professionals. Oh well, enough of that. I’m done judging.
Ha! Like hell I am.
So last night’s episode was all Super Bowl themed, which would be weird anyway without the fact that it was filmed in August. The Quickfire challenge was some football bingo thing, where there’s this chart with unknown random numbers on the x and y, and everyone signs up for a random square. Then during the game, you use the score somehow to see who won? I have no idea how this works, but I should probably learn, because I just bought two boxes on the office game. I have never heard of this before, but apparently it’s big enough that Top Chef can expect their Bravo watching, sea salt buying audience to know what it is. Whatever, its reverse battleship.
So the chefs randomly picked a food item, and then everyone got Oats, because this was a fixed game and everyone was going to use Oats since Quaker Oats is the corporate sponsor who keeps Padma’s skin so refreshingly soft. It pains me that when people think oatmeal, they think of those oats. There are so many other great brands of oats out there. Quaker Oats is like Band-aids and Listerine, they’ve got it and no one is taking it away, despite the fact that Quaker Oats leave this weird oat flavored water behind when you cook them. The chefs have to create a dish using Oats, a challenge Jeff affectionately calls “oat crazy”. Jeff fails at this by the way. Jeff looks really defeated or really stoned, or both. We wonder if maybe Jeff has been smoking with Padma in the back, and maybe this is really Bravo’s strategy for keeping the eliminations interesting, pick one sacrificial guy who Padma seduces with drugs and booty, and then distracts into oblivion….
Also we learn that Fabio killed the Guest Judge’s brother. Or something like that. Cause that guy hates Fabio.
The main challenge is way more interesting. They bring back all these old Top Chef contestants, and they pit them head to head with the Season 5 guys. It’s all football themed, but who cares, the important thing is ANDREW CAME BACK. Andrew tells Season 5 they better watch out because he’s going to “stomp them” and then he will be “peeing on your bodies”.
At this point S. has this to say about Andrew, “I don’t care if he rubs his penis raw with sandpaper and dips it in a cocaine bath, he’s the best.”
Okay, so the first match up is Leah vs. my old arch nemesis Nikki. Who I seriously confused with the late Ariane from this season, cause I was all “goddamnit, they just got rid of her, why is she back?” They are the same evil witch. Leah and her Hormones win.
Next Hosea vs. Miguel, otherwise known as “Chunk”. Miguel is a small lead poisoned child. Hosea wins.
Cut to Andrew playing with live crawfish like a cat.
Carla vs. someone I don’t remember and she wins. Oh, that’s right, it was ANDREW.
Stefan vs. Andrea. Stefan makes googly eyes at her, she returned the favor by cooking his eyes in a chili and serving them to him. Andrea wins.
Cut to Andrew bashing Stefan in a really funny way but I can’t remember what he said and for some reason no one posted it in any of their recaps, so it will remain a secret. And yes, there are multiple Top chef recaps. There is an army of them. I am a cog in a giant secret weird product placement machine.
Cut to Stefan saying “I’m a douche bag”, and this elevates to best episode ever.
Cut to a screen shot of the scoreboard they’re using in the back room: Top Chef, 34; Douches, 26.
Jamie vs. Camille who doesn’t ever talk and never gets featured and I guess her restaurant burned down which is really sad cause I think Camille is probably the coolest person in real life. Jamie wins.
Jeff vs. Josie. Josie the floppy overly happy not very talented. Josie who makes a HOT ceviche vs. Jeff’s COLD ceviche. And Josie wins. Which means Jeff deserves to go home.
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate Jeff. His steely eyes. His perfect blonde hair. The fact that he worked at the Dildo Club in Miami…..
Finally it’s Fabio vs. Spike the Scary Man in the Really Bad Hat. Fabio loses to the judges, but wins the field goal (you don’t want to know), and pulls it out for Season 5.
Judges Table: Carla wins. Jamie impersonates Olivia Newton John with a gold forehead band. The Guest Judge takes Fabio’s heart, makes a tartar, and serves it to Toby Young with a nice Shiraz, insult to injury since of course all the best red wines come from Italy. Then Guest Judge makes Toby throw it back up again, whisks in some play-doh, puts it back in his chest, and tells Fabio to fuck himself. Stefan sits in the back room, playing with a lighter and either contemplating burning the place down or getting really mellow. And Jeff goes home…looking like the little boy who’s new Christmas bicycle just got run over by a milk truck.
The End.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Things We Lost in the War
So last night was rather exciting wasn’t it?
First the mysterious restaurateur appears and challenges the contestants to create a tasting of their best dish for him, in order to decide their fate in the upcoming Restaurant Wars, which have ALREADY HAPPENED. Radhika discovers the cast is caught in a time loop* where every 30 minutes their lives reset, and the accomplishments of the past challenges mean nothing to them. Sawyer wants to go back to the beach to find some fresh red snapper cause the stuff he has now is rancid, but wannabe Neil Patrick Harris/Daniel Faraday, with his notebook of secret recipes involving Dr. Pepper, insists there is no changing fate. The fish will remain spoiled. The Top Chef is already among us, and there is no changing the timeline no matter how many times you bang on the pantry door. Poor Radhika has no choice but to accept the leadership of her team, knowing that her fate is to be eliminated because the Man Who Doesn’t Age came and told her, she has to be eliminated in order to save the Top Chef, and in the process she must bring back the chefs who have left the island, to stop the time skip.
The Restaurant Wars went forward, and it was akin to watching a reenactment of a textbook, exciting in a way because we remember it from past seasons, but sorrowful and frustrating nonetheless, knowing the outcome as we did. Bittersweet since the players were aware of their fate. Of course the plane is going to crash and Radhika will be shot in the leg, and there were far too many Pier One metal giraffes being used. Faraday sees that Jamie has started to suffer the effects of prolonged exposure to the time loop, but tells no one since he doesn’t want to frighten them until he knows for certain. If I had to guess, I would say the first casualties of the brain scarring will be those who have ingested too much seafood (scallops), the mercury in their system acting as a poison magnified by the island’s wormhole.
Faraday alerts Fabio (trapped in the pantry by being unable to read the English exit sign) that he alone is special, and will need to go back to Italy to find his mother, who apparently knows more about time traveling cheese than anyone else. Years later Fabio will remember this as a bad dream, disguise himself as a spy, and try to lure Penny’s father into his trap, disguised as a generic restaurant with too many tea lights. However Penny’s father is too busy building an unholy alliance with Stefan, as they recognize their common enemy in Hosea. They recruit Leah as their serpent, to entice Hosea. to destroy his morality, and turn him to the Dark Side. Oh, then Leah and Hosea make out and it's gross and they totally act like twelve year olds about it.
The best chefs, the ones that have escaped and moved on to careers in New York (or mental institutions, or downward spirals), need to go back to the kitchen; this cycle will not stop unless Padma can get them back there to save the others, and themselves. Fate once again conspires to bring them together – Kate to save her child, Andrew to redeem his squirreliness, and the others just because all the bodies/actual talents need to be together at the even horizon, or Gladware** will discontinue their sponsorship since the viewing audience of this season is dropping like flies. Will Sayid kill them all with tricky kitchen appliances? And if they do not return, will the world end in 70 hours?
Probably. And the scallops will take over forever. Scallops are the new cockroaches.
The Restaurant Wars went forward, and it was akin to watching a reenactment of a textbook, exciting in a way because we remember it from past seasons, but sorrowful and frustrating nonetheless, knowing the outcome as we did. Bittersweet since the players were aware of their fate. Of course the plane is going to crash and Radhika will be shot in the leg, and there were far too many Pier One metal giraffes being used. Faraday sees that Jamie has started to suffer the effects of prolonged exposure to the time loop, but tells no one since he doesn’t want to frighten them until he knows for certain. If I had to guess, I would say the first casualties of the brain scarring will be those who have ingested too much seafood (scallops), the mercury in their system acting as a poison magnified by the island’s wormhole.
Faraday alerts Fabio (trapped in the pantry by being unable to read the English exit sign) that he alone is special, and will need to go back to Italy to find his mother, who apparently knows more about time traveling cheese than anyone else. Years later Fabio will remember this as a bad dream, disguise himself as a spy, and try to lure Penny’s father into his trap, disguised as a generic restaurant with too many tea lights. However Penny’s father is too busy building an unholy alliance with Stefan, as they recognize their common enemy in Hosea. They recruit Leah as their serpent, to entice Hosea. to destroy his morality, and turn him to the Dark Side. Oh, then Leah and Hosea make out and it's gross and they totally act like twelve year olds about it.
The best chefs, the ones that have escaped and moved on to careers in New York (or mental institutions, or downward spirals), need to go back to the kitchen; this cycle will not stop unless Padma can get them back there to save the others, and themselves. Fate once again conspires to bring them together – Kate to save her child, Andrew to redeem his squirreliness, and the others just because all the bodies/actual talents need to be together at the even horizon, or Gladware** will discontinue their sponsorship since the viewing audience of this season is dropping like flies. Will Sayid kill them all with tricky kitchen appliances? And if they do not return, will the world end in 70 hours?
Probably. And the scallops will take over forever. Scallops are the new cockroaches.
*I'm sorry, did you NOT KNOW IT WAS A TIME MACHINE? ARE YOU THICK?
**Otherwise known as The Dharma Initiative, inventors of the scallop.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Remember Lisa?
Okay, so remember last season, when Lisa made it to the Top 4? And your blood boiled every time you saw her, your teeth gnashed, the little unborn babies in your ovaries cried and wailed in nightmarish terror that she might actually win out of sheer demonic influence?
Well, this season hasn’t given us many people to root for, but it certainly gave us someone to hate: Arianne, Aryan, New Jersey Cougar Housewife.
I understand that it’s not fair to hate her as a person, and mock her looks and be mean. But it’s TV, and it stops me from making fun of you, so let’s just accept that I’m a terrible person and move on. I do need to point out that my hatred (and my Top Chef Cronies’ hatred) stems from the fact she just didn’t impress us as having anymore talent in the kitchen than us. I mean, she won a couple challenges, fine. But she won every time for her ability to cook meat. Only meat. Not even the sauces or accompanying sides. And there are meat thermometers for that. Otherwise, she sucked. And she really, really liked the Today show.
Ironically, it was also her down fall last night, when she took an innocent baby lamb and beat it within an inch of its afterlife, after butchering it with the talent of a Sasquatch tearing apart a polar bear. And the new judge Toby won me over by being her executor, excusing all ass-isms he may utter from now on. When they announced her departure, we all screamed in exultation so loud, we actually woke up S.
Unfortunately, now that she’s gone, who’s the villain? Smug Boyfriend Stealing Leah? It’s just not as satisfying.
I’ll spare you the long recap of the challenges last night. The Quickfire was “make a dish out of canned pantry items”, and one of the items was canned conch, which I didn’t even know existed. The Elimination Challenge was to go to this farm/commune/restaurant place called Blue Hill that anyone who reads the NYT Food Section knows is where NY City Foodies go to jerk off onto suckling pig faces, and then learn to butcher them. So they had to create a menu of “seasonal items”. Whatever, boring. Boring food. Boring challenge. So boring in fact, that the Chicken Team won. Chicken. The most boring protein ever. Whatever, I don’t even remember who won specifically, just that Carla, Jamie and Stefan were in the top three and the judges hated everyone else.
So I think the time has come to figure out who I like for the finale. Usually at this point in the competition, I’ve got my favorites completely figured out. But it’s taken a long time this season, because no one has really wowed me, and none of them are very likeable. I mean, Hung and Marcel and Stephen, they were all mad scientists, culinary artists. They aspired to be anyway. I feel like these guys just aspire to stay employed. Anyway, here we go with my guesses…
Top 4: Jamie, Carla, Stefan, Fabio.
Possible substitution: Hosea (but I think he’s going to shoot himself in the face here soon.)
Those top 4 seem to have the most common sense and talent here. I’d love to put Radhika up there, but I just have a premonition she’s going to do something wrong. When she messes up, it’s usually bad flavor combination and nothing gets you out faster. I’ll guess her death sentence will be “too much salt”. Carla, ie Fraggle Rock Girl, has won me over so I think she’ll make Top 4, but not Top 3. That will be Jamie, Stefan, and Fabio. They have all demonstrated they have consistent technique and a wide flavor vocabulary. However if Jamie makes another scallop, I will be very very very very very disappointed.
There have been so many scallops murdered in the making of this season, they should be put on the endangered species list. I should make a Top Chef “Save the Scallops” t-shirt.
"Oh, the bivalvity!"
Well, this season hasn’t given us many people to root for, but it certainly gave us someone to hate: Arianne, Aryan, New Jersey Cougar Housewife.
I understand that it’s not fair to hate her as a person, and mock her looks and be mean. But it’s TV, and it stops me from making fun of you, so let’s just accept that I’m a terrible person and move on. I do need to point out that my hatred (and my Top Chef Cronies’ hatred) stems from the fact she just didn’t impress us as having anymore talent in the kitchen than us. I mean, she won a couple challenges, fine. But she won every time for her ability to cook meat. Only meat. Not even the sauces or accompanying sides. And there are meat thermometers for that. Otherwise, she sucked. And she really, really liked the Today show.
Ironically, it was also her down fall last night, when she took an innocent baby lamb and beat it within an inch of its afterlife, after butchering it with the talent of a Sasquatch tearing apart a polar bear. And the new judge Toby won me over by being her executor, excusing all ass-isms he may utter from now on. When they announced her departure, we all screamed in exultation so loud, we actually woke up S.
Unfortunately, now that she’s gone, who’s the villain? Smug Boyfriend Stealing Leah? It’s just not as satisfying.
I’ll spare you the long recap of the challenges last night. The Quickfire was “make a dish out of canned pantry items”, and one of the items was canned conch, which I didn’t even know existed. The Elimination Challenge was to go to this farm/commune/restaurant place called Blue Hill that anyone who reads the NYT Food Section knows is where NY City Foodies go to jerk off onto suckling pig faces, and then learn to butcher them. So they had to create a menu of “seasonal items”. Whatever, boring. Boring food. Boring challenge. So boring in fact, that the Chicken Team won. Chicken. The most boring protein ever. Whatever, I don’t even remember who won specifically, just that Carla, Jamie and Stefan were in the top three and the judges hated everyone else.
So I think the time has come to figure out who I like for the finale. Usually at this point in the competition, I’ve got my favorites completely figured out. But it’s taken a long time this season, because no one has really wowed me, and none of them are very likeable. I mean, Hung and Marcel and Stephen, they were all mad scientists, culinary artists. They aspired to be anyway. I feel like these guys just aspire to stay employed. Anyway, here we go with my guesses…
Top 4: Jamie, Carla, Stefan, Fabio.
Possible substitution: Hosea (but I think he’s going to shoot himself in the face here soon.)
Those top 4 seem to have the most common sense and talent here. I’d love to put Radhika up there, but I just have a premonition she’s going to do something wrong. When she messes up, it’s usually bad flavor combination and nothing gets you out faster. I’ll guess her death sentence will be “too much salt”. Carla, ie Fraggle Rock Girl, has won me over so I think she’ll make Top 4, but not Top 3. That will be Jamie, Stefan, and Fabio. They have all demonstrated they have consistent technique and a wide flavor vocabulary. However if Jamie makes another scallop, I will be very very very very very disappointed.
There have been so many scallops murdered in the making of this season, they should be put on the endangered species list. I should make a Top Chef “Save the Scallops” t-shirt.
"Oh, the bivalvity!"
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Top Chef Recap - "I eat cat food like you for breakfast", "wait, you eat cat food?"
Alright, so we’ve had a few weeks off from Top Chef. The last episode was that weird Christmas challenge thing, where even the producers were so fed up with this current crop, they had to bring in some of the old vets in a desperate attempt to keep their audience around. Unfortunately, it backfired. Seeing Marcel and The One Ball Giant, heck even overly ambitious Red, made me long for the days when Top Chef dishes impressed me and made me want to buy exotic kitchenware.
Oh, back to the grind with the Kindergarten Chefs this week. And darling Gayle of the Loud Print is gone on her honeymoon, so now we get Mr. Toby “I practice my bon mots in front of my mirror every night before I masturbate” Young. Supposedly some people in England have heard of him, at least one of the European Chefs knew his name. But everyone else was like “who?”, and then pretended to be very scared. Scared? Of that guy? Any guy who says douchy things like “this dish is like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder” is obviously a nerd who wants to be a bully. Exactly the type of bully who only needs to be stood up to in order to deflate and send crying home to Mommy. You, Mr. Young, are reminiscent of a 80s teen angst movie villain, superficial and laughable.
I mean, seriously, “weapons of mass destruction” in the crab bisque? Whatever.
What we need is to get Anthony Bourdain and Young in the same room together, and give them some raw pork to critique.
Moving on to the tailspin that is this season…the Quickfire challenge is some Diet Dr. Pepper fiasco. Make desserts without sugar, and also yes please, use Dr. Pepper. Earning a little love in my heart, most of the chefs decline that tempting offer. Except for New Jersey Cougar, who probably believes Wal-Mart is run by nice people, unions are bad, and American Idol is entertaining. Nightmare Sally built a bread pudding out of wet snail flesh she conjured from beyond the grave, and the French guest judge loved it, because the French love wet snail bread pudding (it’s a provincial specialty).
Then the Elimination Challenge (after a few more Sidekick close-ups and Aryan the Cougar (see, that’s her REAL first name) running around hopped up on 23 Flavors).
Everyone gets to cook a signature dish, family style, and the judges will blindly taste and be judgy, while the chefs look on from another room. Oh, and they broke the chefs in half, so while Team A’s dishes were being judged, Team B were judges, and vice versa. The contestants get to watch whatever nasty things their subpar cohorts have to say about them. It all seemed very high school to me, until I realized what Top Chef was REALLY doing….
See, I think every adult involved with the production of this show, judges to cameramen, realize they have a problem here. None of these chefs are even half good enough to really win. None of them compare to past winners. I’m betting the casting department has already been fired. SO, since they were all so frustrated with the quality of dishes (especially Tom Tom), they tried to be instructional. See, watch us in real time eat your crap and listen to what we have to say. Learn from us.
The ruse became obvious when at judges table, Padma kept asking them if they learned anything from watching the critiques. And someone else made a comment about how hopefully the chefs will see what they keep doing wrong and fix it.
So, and I forgot if it was B. or C. that said this, instead of finding Top Chef, now they’re trying to BUILD Top Chef.
But Bravo’s breaking the cardinal rule of cooking: “start with good ingredients.” As Marcel points out in my new Top Chef cookbook that S. gave me last night that is totally awesome, if the ingredients are good, you don’t even need to cook them, they taste great on their own. Most of these current cheese balls are beyond their expiration date, and the few that looked tasty are quickly approaching Toss Day.
Conclusion: Muppet Janice and Gene the Latin King both got kicked off. One because fish tacos are kind of lame, and the other because nobody in their right mind thinks daikon and tomato basil sauce go well together.
At least we know that Toby Young feeds his cat well, since apparently he cooks him spicy fish filets every night. That’s one (very small) point in his favor. And Fraggle Rock Carla won me over with her incredibly adult sensible response to the criticism of her dish, which saved her from going home. All the chefs should be able to respond like that, all the time, like serious professionals. This is not, after all, Rock of Love Charm School.
Edit: From Tom's blog on BravoTv.com
"As an aside, I think this was a good introduction to Toby. He's exceptionally witty and thought at first that he was being called on as a judge to use that wit and take potshots at the chefs, but he quickly realized that they were all very serious-minded about their food and about this competition, and he switched gears and began assessing the food in earnest. He's fun to work with and I know you'll enjoy him as the season progresses."
Maybe Toby didn't realize this wasn't Rock of Love either.
So we'll see...
Oh, back to the grind with the Kindergarten Chefs this week. And darling Gayle of the Loud Print is gone on her honeymoon, so now we get Mr. Toby “I practice my bon mots in front of my mirror every night before I masturbate” Young. Supposedly some people in England have heard of him, at least one of the European Chefs knew his name. But everyone else was like “who?”, and then pretended to be very scared. Scared? Of that guy? Any guy who says douchy things like “this dish is like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder” is obviously a nerd who wants to be a bully. Exactly the type of bully who only needs to be stood up to in order to deflate and send crying home to Mommy. You, Mr. Young, are reminiscent of a 80s teen angst movie villain, superficial and laughable.
I mean, seriously, “weapons of mass destruction” in the crab bisque? Whatever.
What we need is to get Anthony Bourdain and Young in the same room together, and give them some raw pork to critique.
Moving on to the tailspin that is this season…the Quickfire challenge is some Diet Dr. Pepper fiasco. Make desserts without sugar, and also yes please, use Dr. Pepper. Earning a little love in my heart, most of the chefs decline that tempting offer. Except for New Jersey Cougar, who probably believes Wal-Mart is run by nice people, unions are bad, and American Idol is entertaining. Nightmare Sally built a bread pudding out of wet snail flesh she conjured from beyond the grave, and the French guest judge loved it, because the French love wet snail bread pudding (it’s a provincial specialty).
Then the Elimination Challenge (after a few more Sidekick close-ups and Aryan the Cougar (see, that’s her REAL first name) running around hopped up on 23 Flavors).
Everyone gets to cook a signature dish, family style, and the judges will blindly taste and be judgy, while the chefs look on from another room. Oh, and they broke the chefs in half, so while Team A’s dishes were being judged, Team B were judges, and vice versa. The contestants get to watch whatever nasty things their subpar cohorts have to say about them. It all seemed very high school to me, until I realized what Top Chef was REALLY doing….
See, I think every adult involved with the production of this show, judges to cameramen, realize they have a problem here. None of these chefs are even half good enough to really win. None of them compare to past winners. I’m betting the casting department has already been fired. SO, since they were all so frustrated with the quality of dishes (especially Tom Tom), they tried to be instructional. See, watch us in real time eat your crap and listen to what we have to say. Learn from us.
The ruse became obvious when at judges table, Padma kept asking them if they learned anything from watching the critiques. And someone else made a comment about how hopefully the chefs will see what they keep doing wrong and fix it.
So, and I forgot if it was B. or C. that said this, instead of finding Top Chef, now they’re trying to BUILD Top Chef.
But Bravo’s breaking the cardinal rule of cooking: “start with good ingredients.” As Marcel points out in my new Top Chef cookbook that S. gave me last night that is totally awesome, if the ingredients are good, you don’t even need to cook them, they taste great on their own. Most of these current cheese balls are beyond their expiration date, and the few that looked tasty are quickly approaching Toss Day.
Conclusion: Muppet Janice and Gene the Latin King both got kicked off. One because fish tacos are kind of lame, and the other because nobody in their right mind thinks daikon and tomato basil sauce go well together.
At least we know that Toby Young feeds his cat well, since apparently he cooks him spicy fish filets every night. That’s one (very small) point in his favor. And Fraggle Rock Carla won me over with her incredibly adult sensible response to the criticism of her dish, which saved her from going home. All the chefs should be able to respond like that, all the time, like serious professionals. This is not, after all, Rock of Love Charm School.
Edit: From Tom's blog on BravoTv.com
"As an aside, I think this was a good introduction to Toby. He's exceptionally witty and thought at first that he was being called on as a judge to use that wit and take potshots at the chefs, but he quickly realized that they were all very serious-minded about their food and about this competition, and he switched gears and began assessing the food in earnest. He's fun to work with and I know you'll enjoy him as the season progresses."
Maybe Toby didn't realize this wasn't Rock of Love either.
So we'll see...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Top Chef Recap: Christmas is a season for forgiveness. And judgement.
So on my way home from work today, I heard an NPR story about something wicked in South Africa. Like, remember how AIDS is a big problem in Africa and all? Well, part of the drug therapy treatment they prescribe regularly to victims is a drug called Sustiva, also known as Efavirenz. This drug has been known to cause night terrors in a portion of its users, because Sustiva is a hallucinogenic drug. So now there's a problem, a catastrophe if you will, because so many people are dealing this as a recreational drug. They grind it up and use it with weed (though I'ma little vague on how? snort, shoot, smoke?). Also, people buy it to have unprotected sex, because they think it protects them from HIV. The AIDS activists and doctors in the area are crazy up in arms about this, because if the government decides to schedule this drug due to its epidemic misuse? Then it severely limits what kind of effect they can have on AIDS in Africa. It sets back their efforts by a decade. I totally just made up a decade cause it sounds good. But its REALLY bad anyway.
I was telling C. about this, and also the beauties of the downtown Cleveland Public Library (which she's never been in and I haven't for years...)* while last week's Top Chef played in the background. And you might ask what this has to do with Top Chef?
Well, it's the holidays. Or as Padma calls it, "Happy Christmas!"**
So it's time for thinking about others; people with diseases, people starving, people laboring under the delusion that they have any culinary talent at all. Also catastrophes.
Tonight's episode starts with several soul searching revelations from contestants, as they putter about their natural habitat. Old Goil realizes she should "keep it simple", because obviously cooking meat is like the hardest thing ever. Gene feels he "dodged a bullet." S. states it is because he is a gutterpunk, and therefore familiar with bullets and their avoidance. Stefan aka White Balls carves angry faces into helpless watermelons (which is horribly cute), while Hosea learns the benefits of product placement. Cancer and Sidekicks in the same frame? Priceless.
Then they go to the Quickfire and look who comes in? The new Queen of the Recession, Martha Stewart. She strolls in with a copy of her new book under her arm, the miniature cover Martha smiling like an evil tiny twin growing from her torso. Snoop Dogg's favorite boo challenges the cooks (yes, I used that term on purpose) to create "one pot wonders". Cause, you know, home cooks are used to cooking with their arsenal of twenty, thirty calphalon. I'm not sure I've ever used more than one pot in a meal. I am dishes-phobic. It's a limitation, I understand that. But tonight, it makes me a "One Pot Wonder".
As the cooks begin their challenges, I contemplate the unspoken massacre of scallops that has occurred in the last ten years due to the growth of "foodies". Eck. I will never get to be a foodie. Old Jersey Goil made a cauliflower puree which she advises are great for kids cause they are like mashed potatoes but instead the kiddies get veggies, and my Irish/Polish ass is all like, aren't potatoes veggies? See, a foodie would know better.
So Martha loves White Balls: The Revenge, and his "chanterelles". She loves Hosannah and his Paella. I wonder if Hosannah has ever spent late nights in the kitchen, making paella, and contemplating the Inquisition? He-Man's blond locks are powerless against Martha's one note condemnation, "pungent". Old Jersey Motherfucking Goil decides to work the Snoop Dogg angle and wear her BASEBALL HATE BACKWARDS in a blatant attempt to appeal to Martha's jungle fever. Martha's genius criticism to Gene? "I thought it could be much more delicious.". Old Jersey Motherfucking Beyotch Goil wins, because she can cook meat.
C. mention that she has seen S. and M. get completely trashed all day, and manage to grill perfect pieces of lamb while shooting roman candles at each other. So how hard can it be?
Hr bloody swath through the next generation's nightmares complete, Martha departs, and a revolution against her erupts in the room I'm in. While the Last of the Gays stands on screen, quietly and bravely trying not to cry because she's lost to Ms. Meat four times now, S. jumps up from the couch and screams "I'll cut off my penis, deep fry it, and eat it if she wins!" Our group hatred against Old Jersey Motherfuckin Beyotch Botox Goil is swelling to an intensity that must, at the very least, cause her psychosomatic boils.
S. picked up some sausages from Chef's Choice Meats in Berea for tonight, and the owner gave him a Great Lakes Christmas Ale Sausage that he just created. So we sample that at this time in the evening, halfway through a bottle of Shiraz and a giant box of Milwaukee's Best. The sausage is good, overly seasoned like the beer, but spicy sweet. It's a very fruity sausage. The bratwurst is great too. I guess Great Lakes will have it on their menu, and the Beer Engine already sells his meats. Also he carries those awesome local glass bottles of chocolate milk? And gives refills.
Show's back on, so on to the main course. Tonight's challenge is "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and I like it. I secretly want to do 5 Golden rings, with pineapple, but Gene beats me to it. Also, he's on the show, and I'm not. Immediately, everyone starts spouting bullshit justifying their particular dishes. "Piper's piping? Let's smoke everything!" Which is exactly what Hosannah does, smoking out the whole kitchen. Fabio the Quietly Storming European writes some story about his dish (he's a poet, a seeker). But the real climax is coming....
In the middle of the night, the evil Grinch Colicchio sneaks into the kitchen where all the little boys and girls have stacked and prepped their dishes, and OPENS A FRIDGE. Actually, one of the morons left it open overnight, but surprisingly, no one blames anyone. You'd expect some sort of guilty confession, but it seems that everyone is feeling so guilty about their general loserness, they forget to be divas. Anyway, Hosannah and Sally get screwed by the fridge mishap. Which allows the producers to create an absolutely sickening moment, where they play Christmas music in the background while all the cooks step in and help their friends save Christmas!
Oh, but really they're saving the AIDS Benefit! See how this all comes full circle? Is it bad that during that NPR story, I was really thinking about how available Sustiva was?
Natasha Richardson, looking like a rich man's Jennifer Coolidge, announces that the guests will pin their AIDS ribbons to the chef's board whose dish they adored. S. thinks this is perverse, and also that Kenneth Cole looks like Steve Gutenberg.
This whole episode is like a Sweet Valley high book. I could try to explain all the ins and outs, but really who gives a fuck? I didn't give a fuck while I was reading the book. There's some shit about Hosannah making Leah jealous with a vacuous socialite (let's all notice that HE doesn't live with HIS girlfriend). Leah has some hearts on her hand, which I'm guessing Hosannah drew on her at some point. Michelle Bernstein holds no truck with the empty nonsense issuing from Richardson, and Colicchio can't stop staring at her breasts.
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink it all up", and it looks like Gene's a goner. The coconut and lime completely covered the fish huh? who could have guess that? Hosannah wins, in a Holiday Miracle. Then the producers decide not to send anyone home, because they all showed such Christmas Cheer by helping out their comrades after the Great Fridge Disaster of 2008. BUT
Tom Colicchio comes into the waiting room, after giving the cooks sufficient time to get drunk on cheap wine, and he's like "we're looking for amazing food here guys" "you don't win with deviled eggs" and "we wish we could just butcher you all and make some nice curries, at least then your existence wouldn't be a total waste."
So next week's challenge? Cook whatever you want, no limitations, we just need to see if you actually know how to cook or if Tom is going to commit seppuku.
*Also mentioned is how it really annoys me that people are always describing mushrooms as "earthy". I mean, it's time for a new adjective already. And as I say this, c. exclaims that she was just thinking the exact same thing. Seriously. Earthy.
** Zombie! Only zombies say "happy christmas".
I was telling C. about this, and also the beauties of the downtown Cleveland Public Library (which she's never been in and I haven't for years...)* while last week's Top Chef played in the background. And you might ask what this has to do with Top Chef?
Well, it's the holidays. Or as Padma calls it, "Happy Christmas!"**
So it's time for thinking about others; people with diseases, people starving, people laboring under the delusion that they have any culinary talent at all. Also catastrophes.
Tonight's episode starts with several soul searching revelations from contestants, as they putter about their natural habitat. Old Goil realizes she should "keep it simple", because obviously cooking meat is like the hardest thing ever. Gene feels he "dodged a bullet." S. states it is because he is a gutterpunk, and therefore familiar with bullets and their avoidance. Stefan aka White Balls carves angry faces into helpless watermelons (which is horribly cute), while Hosea learns the benefits of product placement. Cancer and Sidekicks in the same frame? Priceless.
Then they go to the Quickfire and look who comes in? The new Queen of the Recession, Martha Stewart. She strolls in with a copy of her new book under her arm, the miniature cover Martha smiling like an evil tiny twin growing from her torso. Snoop Dogg's favorite boo challenges the cooks (yes, I used that term on purpose) to create "one pot wonders". Cause, you know, home cooks are used to cooking with their arsenal of twenty, thirty calphalon. I'm not sure I've ever used more than one pot in a meal. I am dishes-phobic. It's a limitation, I understand that. But tonight, it makes me a "One Pot Wonder".
As the cooks begin their challenges, I contemplate the unspoken massacre of scallops that has occurred in the last ten years due to the growth of "foodies". Eck. I will never get to be a foodie. Old Jersey Goil made a cauliflower puree which she advises are great for kids cause they are like mashed potatoes but instead the kiddies get veggies, and my Irish/Polish ass is all like, aren't potatoes veggies? See, a foodie would know better.
So Martha loves White Balls: The Revenge, and his "chanterelles". She loves Hosannah and his Paella. I wonder if Hosannah has ever spent late nights in the kitchen, making paella, and contemplating the Inquisition? He-Man's blond locks are powerless against Martha's one note condemnation, "pungent". Old Jersey Motherfucking Goil decides to work the Snoop Dogg angle and wear her BASEBALL HATE BACKWARDS in a blatant attempt to appeal to Martha's jungle fever. Martha's genius criticism to Gene? "I thought it could be much more delicious.". Old Jersey Motherfucking Beyotch Goil wins, because she can cook meat.
C. mention that she has seen S. and M. get completely trashed all day, and manage to grill perfect pieces of lamb while shooting roman candles at each other. So how hard can it be?
Hr bloody swath through the next generation's nightmares complete, Martha departs, and a revolution against her erupts in the room I'm in. While the Last of the Gays stands on screen, quietly and bravely trying not to cry because she's lost to Ms. Meat four times now, S. jumps up from the couch and screams "I'll cut off my penis, deep fry it, and eat it if she wins!" Our group hatred against Old Jersey Motherfuckin Beyotch Botox Goil is swelling to an intensity that must, at the very least, cause her psychosomatic boils.
S. picked up some sausages from Chef's Choice Meats in Berea for tonight, and the owner gave him a Great Lakes Christmas Ale Sausage that he just created. So we sample that at this time in the evening, halfway through a bottle of Shiraz and a giant box of Milwaukee's Best. The sausage is good, overly seasoned like the beer, but spicy sweet. It's a very fruity sausage. The bratwurst is great too. I guess Great Lakes will have it on their menu, and the Beer Engine already sells his meats. Also he carries those awesome local glass bottles of chocolate milk? And gives refills.
Show's back on, so on to the main course. Tonight's challenge is "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and I like it. I secretly want to do 5 Golden rings, with pineapple, but Gene beats me to it. Also, he's on the show, and I'm not. Immediately, everyone starts spouting bullshit justifying their particular dishes. "Piper's piping? Let's smoke everything!" Which is exactly what Hosannah does, smoking out the whole kitchen. Fabio the Quietly Storming European writes some story about his dish (he's a poet, a seeker). But the real climax is coming....
In the middle of the night, the evil Grinch Colicchio sneaks into the kitchen where all the little boys and girls have stacked and prepped their dishes, and OPENS A FRIDGE. Actually, one of the morons left it open overnight, but surprisingly, no one blames anyone. You'd expect some sort of guilty confession, but it seems that everyone is feeling so guilty about their general loserness, they forget to be divas. Anyway, Hosannah and Sally get screwed by the fridge mishap. Which allows the producers to create an absolutely sickening moment, where they play Christmas music in the background while all the cooks step in and help their friends save Christmas!
Oh, but really they're saving the AIDS Benefit! See how this all comes full circle? Is it bad that during that NPR story, I was really thinking about how available Sustiva was?
Natasha Richardson, looking like a rich man's Jennifer Coolidge, announces that the guests will pin their AIDS ribbons to the chef's board whose dish they adored. S. thinks this is perverse, and also that Kenneth Cole looks like Steve Gutenberg.
This whole episode is like a Sweet Valley high book. I could try to explain all the ins and outs, but really who gives a fuck? I didn't give a fuck while I was reading the book. There's some shit about Hosannah making Leah jealous with a vacuous socialite (let's all notice that HE doesn't live with HIS girlfriend). Leah has some hearts on her hand, which I'm guessing Hosannah drew on her at some point. Michelle Bernstein holds no truck with the empty nonsense issuing from Richardson, and Colicchio can't stop staring at her breasts.
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink it all up", and it looks like Gene's a goner. The coconut and lime completely covered the fish huh? who could have guess that? Hosannah wins, in a Holiday Miracle. Then the producers decide not to send anyone home, because they all showed such Christmas Cheer by helping out their comrades after the Great Fridge Disaster of 2008. BUT
Tom Colicchio comes into the waiting room, after giving the cooks sufficient time to get drunk on cheap wine, and he's like "we're looking for amazing food here guys" "you don't win with deviled eggs" and "we wish we could just butcher you all and make some nice curries, at least then your existence wouldn't be a total waste."
So next week's challenge? Cook whatever you want, no limitations, we just need to see if you actually know how to cook or if Tom is going to commit seppuku.
*Also mentioned is how it really annoys me that people are always describing mushrooms as "earthy". I mean, it's time for a new adjective already. And as I say this, c. exclaims that she was just thinking the exact same thing. Seriously. Earthy.
** Zombie! Only zombies say "happy christmas".
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