Best and Worst Dressed of the 2009 Oscars, according to a girl who wears jeans every day and possibly didn't brush her hair today. Possibly.

Like all young ladies in the US of A, last night I watched the insipid red carpet interviews in order to flash back to that comfortable childhood feeling of playing with dolls. In my case, I was crazy about paper dolls as a kid, had all sorts of paper doll collections and even made my own out of my mother's Sear's catalogs. Very little house on the prairie of me, I know. And I like to think of celebrities like my own adult paper dolls. I can't move them, or even interact with them in person. But I can judge their style like nobody's business. So let's spend a few shallow moments together contemplating gowns that would probably pay my rent for a year.

Team Beige

From left to right:
1. I have no problem with Henson's feathery layers, except that I am not a fan of the "toilet paper wrapped around my torso" look.
2. Miley Cyrus is Underwater Barbie. This girl is seriously on the crazy bus, headed to mid life crisis breakdown town. She probably thinks that belt gives her special powers to talk to dolphins.
3. Jessica Biel wandered in from some sordid hotel rendezvous. Or a National Lampoons movie.
4. Anne Hathaway wins. This was my favorite dress all night, mostly because it looks like a melted disco ball.

Almost the Worst of the Night, Because the Expectations were So High.

Seriously, Amy, who picked out that necklace? Amy Adams is my It Girl, and I just have a hard time believing this was really what she picked out. I think she was bullied into this by a fat Italian man, who probably made my sweet Amy cry. She looks like she belongs on Days Of Our Lives.

Team Princess

From left to right: Marissa has gotten mixed reviews for her Pleats Will Take Over the World dress. But you know, I think the point of being fabulously rich and glamorous is wearing completely over the top things that took 2 million man hours to create. Somewhere out there, a middle aged Parisian woman now has carpal tunnel. There's pain in that couture.

Penelope could wear a track suit and be better dressed than some of these hacks, and the fact that she bothers to even make an effort is admirable. She said she saw this vintage dress years ago, and thought of it when she needed something, so she went back to the same store and found it. She looks like a princess bride. It's awesome.

And then there's Sarah Jessica Parker, who is basically a grown up Miley Cyrus. So let's move on.

Team "Let's try and match the statue"

From left to right:
1. I basically love anything disco ball reminiscent, so Tina Fey wins. Though I had to search for a picture where she wasn't squinting like a drunken sailor.
2. I don't know who this woman is, she was in Doubt I guess, a serious movie about serious nuns. Anytime the person had a role that's unattractive or nonsexual, the red carpet commentators get all "oh my god, can you believe she has boobs, what a change blah blah blah". They did that with America Ferrera too. Anyway, she's rocking the gold lame.
3. Melissa Leo tried. You can tell she tried. But it didn't work.
4. Sophia Loren and Dolly Parton have been merged together in some insane act of genetic engineering. This is definitely the Vatican's fault. The close-ups were particularly scary.

Beyonce Really Likes Her Couch

This is horrendous. It's obvious the recession is hitting Ms. Jay Z hard. Or one of her cousins called in a favor. That's the problem with the whole "cousin" thing.

The Power Couple

Okay, I was SO SICK of the whole "will Jennifer run into Angie on the carpet?" CRAP that they were selling, I was hoping they would so they could nod demurely, pass by, and then everyone could SHUT THE FUCK UP. But no, America will not be denied it's fucking DECADE old scandal. And Jennifer Aniston is dating ManBoy Mayer, so how is it possible to still pity her?

Brad and Angelina were dressed exactly like the truly powerful, understated and with emeralds the size of small baby heads. Look at her earrings. Those jewels are probably worth more than the GNP of Canada. Not to mention the matching huge one she had on her hand. It was so big, she actually had trouble clapping with it on.

Also, she looks quintessentially bored with the whole fiasco. So good for her.