ANTM Cycle 16: Ace of Spades

Sometimes I look at this thing we've got called American pop culture and it's sort of like walking into the house of a lifetime smoker who died sitting his armchair, all the windows shut and the tobacco resin tears dripping down the faded kitchen walls, everything coated with this burnt orange sheen, even the ceramics his wife left behind in the credenza. So at first glance, everything is gross, right? Disgusting. But the chandelier in the hallway, the tea set, the kitchen clock, they're not made of gross nasty smoke puke. They are just temporarily covered in it. And sure, most of the stuff in the house is going to have to be thrown out, or burned. But some of it has got to be worth cleaning. If you've got the patience to stand there scrubbing chandelier crystals for hours.

Some of us do.

This show, however, is not a chandelier. And last week, I did not have time to stand around with grease cleaner eating away my knuckles. But it was an important episode last week, because my friend James Asmus was actually ON ANTM. Which is sort of AMAZING. When I heard about it, I literally jumped a little in my skin, like Christmas. I mean, it shouldn't be that great. This is what he does for a living after all. Well, I mean, this and other things. Like writing comic books and plays. And being funny. When I think about it, I kind of hate that boy a little. But one year Tara and James and I sat around eating a 5 pound Ghiradelli bar we bought him for his birthday with a hammer, watching Kids in the Hall. That sort of experience means loyalty for life.

Just not enough loyalty to stay at home that night. That's what DVRs are for after all. It's not a chandelier. It's not a chandelier. It's not a chandelier.

I sent James a couple of questions about his experience on the show, cause seriously, aren't you curious?


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What did you actually go on to ANTM to do?

I was hired (due to my improv background) as a plant to mess with the girls when they had to 'meet the public'. Specifically, my job was to hit on all of them and act as creeptastic as possible. Which is soundly within my wheelhouse.

What do you think you SHOULD have been hired to do?

Honestly? I was pretty happy with this gig. I would feel terrible if I had to prank innocent people on the street, but making sheltered, arrogant teenage girls scared was entirely fun. So, if anything, I'd say it would have been better to make them do a 'sexy' photo shoot - only to have it be with a completely un-model-like guy (me) who still does creepy and inappropriate things during the shoot. That way, you trap them even further into the nightmare.

How tall is Tyra really?

She wasn't there! That was the biggest disappointment. Though Ms. J did compliment my ruthlessness in putting some girls through the ringer. So that was nice.

Which girl is the oddest looking one in person?
Some of the eliminated girls were still around. (I guess because their friends would 'know' the outcome if they were back home after 3 weeks.) And Dominique is even more jarring in person. But of the remaining girls? ...Molly? I had the hardest time picturing her as a model.

I feel like the girls get wrapped tight in reality blankets during the show. Is it like all secret service up in that place?
They were escorted in and buffered by *dozens* of people. But once the challenge was over, most crew whisked off with the 'losing' girls to film something and the 'middle' girls were left to stand around with the previous losers in the plaza - abandoned. They really looked like dazed sheep for about an hour.

Best part of your day there?

My favorite part was probably dealing with Britany. I could tell she was on to me right away. As a result, she kept trying to jump in and say or do the 'right' thing - even if I was talking to somebody else. So I took great pleasure in turning around everything she tried into some sort of insult or other cause to act hurt, offended, or scandalized. She got pretty furious with me, and was the only one to say something to me after the shoot. Essentially, she said that she knew I was a plant, but I didn't have to be such an asshole. But yeah, Britany, I did. Because that's exactly what they hired me for.


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So Good Job James, Cleveland is Proud! And moving on to this week....

This is Nigel with hair. I don't know why. I watched the damn thing and I still don't know why.

You can read the live blog here. This week a bunch of stuff happened, but what mostly happened is Alex proved she was almost ready to be a big girl serial killer, as she batted and toyed with the girls like a nasty little porch cat. Also she won a car. Britani lost her shit finally and snapped, and did that "I'm having a panic attack on tv" thing that always causes me pause, because for a small moment in space and time, I can absolutely understand the feelings of a person who drowns kittens in burlap sacks for fun. Tyra was all like "If it were up to me, you wouldn't be here, but THIS IS A DEMOCRACY. LOOK AT ME BEING A FAIR AND BENEVOLENT TYRA". And Britani got to stay. Till next week anyway. When Tyra has her sold into a Ukrainian sex ring. For their photo shoot, the girls had to pose as deranged Gossip Girl fans, which turned out pretty much the way you would think that would turn out. They dressed up Alex in the skin of dead animals, and she turned her lips just so, and did her best Knight Rider impression. That girl is going to up and kill her whole church one day, just you watch.

The other crazy thing that happened last night is Sarah FINALLY told me about what Lisa from Cycle 5 has been doing. Which is this.



Seriously Sarah, it's Cycle 16. Were you saving this for a wedding present, and just gave up?

ANTM Cycle 16: PORN

Well, so I just got home from the incredibly awesome Elephant 6 Holiday Tour, which was gold and crystal and warm worn t-shirts, and ended on this even more amazing moment, and the whole thing was just pure and wonderful and beautiful. Scott Spillane has the best voice of all voices, and I got to hear Glue live, during which I mostly just closed my eyes and stood in the middle of the room. Did you know you can be completely alone when you close your eyes? There was a snowball thrown at the moon, and a parade of horns, Tara danced a bunch in her cute stripey sweater, and I said hi to lots of people and there were lots of hugs. David brought the French Nouveau looking beauty from La Petit with him, and Lauren bought me an Elf Power LP which I don't have a turntable for but the next boy I date will own a turntable for sure, and it was magical. Except for the part where my sister and Jere made out with the same girl at different times. We are going to gloss over that story. Everyone I know is a slut. Carrie freaked me out by telling me I had not one but actually two hickeys on my neck (it wasn't true). Some girl he made out with stole Jere's phone.

Driving home in a sequin dress causes all these little reflections from the street lights, and they bounce into your eyes, and make you think there are cops behind you the whole ride home. When I started the stretch down Lorain towards my street, there were multiple lonely boys in green, stumbling home alone from the bars at Kamm's. Way to be survivors boys.

So a wonderful night, and I've forgotten that tomorrow's Friday already, and as I sit here typing this the wind is picking up outside and all my windows are open to let in the sounds.

Which is why I almost feel bad giving you the link to this, the live blog from this week's ANTM.

Sarah: why is Miss Jay dressed like Dorothy Parker?


You should probably just listen to this song a few dozen times instead.

ANTM Cycle 16: Bees.

I had a dream last night where I was attacked by a giant black widow spider, that latched its cartoon fangs into my pointer finger, and I couldn't get it off at all. I was hitting it against the wall, and with things, and objects, and it wouldn't die or even just let the fuck go. Surprisingly, this was not a nightmare. When I woke up, the first thing I remembered was the loud crack of the spider armor finally cracking and crushing as I slammed it in a door. It was extremely satisfying.

I suspect I will feel exactly the same way when this season is over.

I know, I totally thought they were leeches first too.

Bridget: It's bees! How do you fuck up bees?

So far this episode I've learned that peanut butter is junk food and crying is good for getting you jewelry and winning photo shoots

Sarah: also, never marinate chicken

How Brittani Hatched a Plot: Week 2 Live Blog

Bridget: I am afraid to light a cigarette with nail polish on

Heavy is the Head That Wears the Crown: the 2011 Oscars, Sort of

8:03 James Franco is doing an interview in the Green Room, and he's got this look on his face like he just realized that he has bitten off more than he can chew. Like, all this publicity and weirdness and now hosting this show has just landed on him like a big old freight train of despairing nervousness. He doesn't even say anything odd. He's totally caught. Everyone is going to see him for the fraud he is, you can see it in his eyes.

Now Tim Gunn is talking to Justin Timberlake, who just outed the red carpet for being fuschia and is obviously on drugs. The Social Network was great by the way, and Justin is who I want to hang out with when I'm dead, naked. Tim is way more excited than Justin.

I forgot how cute Nicole Kidman is when she talks, with her little accent. But christ I hate Keith for using the word eclectic. Really, the minute you use the word eclectic, I want to walk away from you and forget your existence. Also, her Dior gown makes me want to write a screen play for an aging She Ra, who has to adjust to life as a past prime defender of the universe, and cast her in it.

Why are we letting Gwenyth Paltrow get this far? Seriously? Though I really do want to see her do a duet with Jay Z. I want them to cover Islands in the Stream.

Does Christian Bale really have that accent, or is he faking it for some reason? It really takes away some of my desire to lick him.

8:22pm Seriously, we needed an inset countdown to the Oscars on the screen? Also, Halle Berry? I can think of several better places you could be to honor Lena Horne. SEVERAL.

8:31pm I totally wasn't paying attention and this intro started, and I thought it was actually a trailer for another completely different upcoming film, I was all like, who has the audacity to buy an ad for their movie during the Oscars? But no, just an intro. A really really good intro. The music montage. Not this awful host introduction.

Ann's dress is all sorts of awesome though. Like a tiara exploded on her waist. Now they are introducing their mom and grandmom. Which is cute.

I feel like being a set designer for the Oscars is like, the biggest thing ever, for set designers.
And who's going to see Gone with the Wind with me at the Capitol? I fucking love that movie. But I may never forgive Tom Hanks for reminding me Titanic the movie exists. I had almost managed to forget it completely. It was a better time, 2 minutes ago, I had a better life.

I really have to see True Grit. It's awfully dumb I haven't yet.


8:51pm Do you see that lighting effect they are doing behind Kirk Douglas's grandfather? Where you have those really oversized light reflections? I want that on my walls all the time.

Remind me to watch Animal Kingdom.

8:58pm Melissa Leo is genuinely overwhelmed. Oh geez, man, this shit gets me every time. She's going to watch that tape back and realize she just flirted with Kirk Douglas's mummy. And swore in front of national television. But mostly hit on a mummy. Looking at her cast mates' faces, it seems like maybe they didn't like her all that much, like maybe she's this dramatic when she's ordering a coffee too, and they are just about done with this shit.

Yes Anne, that is exactly the sound I make when I say Timberlake's name too. And the sound I'm making now. Oh Southland Tales, Oh Justin.
They should have had Justin and Mila host the Oscars. Then Justin and Mila should be sent into space to populate some distant planet with their offspring.

9:07pm I bet Pixar is in fact the best place on the planet period. Like, you probably walk in the door and they feed you cocaine cotton candy and monkeys rub your head all the time, and unicorns walk around with donuts on their horns.

Seriously Sorkin, you are going to name drop during your acceptance speech? I bet you're just a blast at parties, aren't you? I do like how he's just ignoring the music.

9:19pm This writer guy who won for screenplay is awesome and I want to live next to him and shovel his driveway for him, and then sit in his living room smoking weed and listening to all his stories about being broke. Maybe I should start drinking in bars next to retirement homes in Hollywood. That doesn't really strike me as a bad life direction.

Is Anne going to sing? Her shoes are amazing. I bet anyone would sound good in those shoes. She's like an actual live Disney princess. With magic shoes. That her fairy drag queen gave her.
Oh, speaking of drag queens..."she's a dame, he recently married one" is like, the best line so far.

I wish Russell Brand would cut his hair and get a divorce, and disappear into...

OH I WANTED TO SEE DOGTOOTH. No one would go with me when it came here, because you all suck. SEE maybe you'll believe me now that it looks awesome.

It must be weird to be a foreign actor and win an Oscar. I wonder how the rest of the world sees that.

I take it back. I don't think it's the accent that's killing Christian Bale for me, I think it's the beard. It doesn't look good on him. I did see a really good beard on Thursday night, and then the same guy again on Saturday, and I even went up to him and told him we had been admiring his beard. He appreciated it.

Oh, and it turns out the answer to who has the audacity to run a trailer for their movie during the Oscars is Spielberg. Big surprise.

9:40pm
The Social Network score should totally win.
And look! They did. It's nice when sometimes tv admits I'm right.
I wish I knew more geniuses. I know some, I'm pretty sure, but more would fun. I wonder how you go about tracking down geniuses.

Scarlett Johansson looks like she ordered her dress from a Victoria's Secret catalog.

9:50 Man, I had almost managed to wipe Burton's Alice from my head as well, and now these fuckers are just going to remind me. Fuck you Costume Design.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH GO AWAY CELINE DION GO AWAY! Goddamnit. The Oscars is SCREWING me.



That young girl engineer in that pan shot of the nerds is my hero.
Cate Blanchett is also sort of my hero. And I love that every time she goes anywhere they play the Lord of the Rings music. She's wearing a dress made of bubble tea.

What was Barney's Version? That goes on the list too. Maybe. I'm always up in the air about that guy. But I like the word Version a lot.

Also on the list? I Am Love and The Tempest. Man, I really didn't see any movies this year, what happened?

I always really like the Movie Song category. It's how I found Triplets of Belleville. And thank god for that, right? I mean, Marty would have shown it to me eventually anyway, but still.
8 Mile is also my favorite movie song too, Random Dude.
Oh jesus, Obama, really? REALLY?



Really?



Kevin Spacey should be married to me.

I feel like no Hollywood experience is complete without Mandy Moore.
WAIT WHAT? HE was the other voice in Tangles? CHUCK?
That's Chuck.
Singing with Mandy Moore.
The world is so very strange. So very very very weird. It's like we're all just randomly colliding into nonconsecutive pockets of alternate universes.
I do always get him mixed up with the guy from Scrubs.

List: God of Love

10:20 The Oscars enlisted Prozzac to write a musical montage. Okay.

10:22 Oprah is coming on the Oscars to announce her galactic space fleet is ready to launch, and that all world leaders are ordered to report to her secret Artic fortress immediately for reassignment.

10:30 Is Billy Crystal really such a big deal that everyone has to give him a standing ovation? I mean, I like him too. But he's not dead or recovering from cancer or something. Or is he? Is Billy Crystal dead?

Did Bob Hope die and I just forgot?

10:33 I don't usually say shit like this, but Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law together is about as hot as it gets.
Unless it's just Clive Owen. Alone. In a suit. Angry.
Hey, someone who knows these things, tell me why I love Jude's accent but hate Christian Bale's? Am I some sort of London accent snob?


This show is never going to end.


Also I'm really not into Florence and the Machine.

10:46pm Gwenyth Paltrow is finally going through with the live performance that everyone has been talking about for a fucking year, so I guess I should be glad it's over, but jesus, that girl needs to stop. Someone needs to tell her to stop. This is the worst performance. No really, it's bad. It's a bad song. She can't sing. She looks tired. That was terrible.

Jennifer Hudson also looks like she can't quite catch her breath.

Randy Newman is like...a county sheriff.

me: so I just googled Randy Newman and apparently he's like a born again and speaks out against gay marriage

which is funny, cause I was googling to see if he was gay

Sarah: hm i thought he was gay

me: right? NO

but you know, probably

Sarah: oh yeah

those types always are

and by "those types" i mean people who irrationally hate gay marriage

not composers

Edit: I looked it up again today, and maybe it's another Randy Newman in fact, some Christian author. So, sorry original Randy Newman. But I still don't like your music.

10:56pm Fuckin Celine Dion.
The List of People I Probably Read About At The Time But Have Since Completely Forgotten Died This Year: Tony Curtis SALLY MENKE (when did that happen? What?) Leslie Nielsen Pete Lynn Redgrave Anne Francis Dennis Hopper and Lena Horne.

It turns out that after having to see it several times, I heavily resent JP Morgan Chase for using that Cat Stevens song in their horrible evil commercial.

11:09pm The Kings Speech Director just won for best acceptance speech of the night.

Man, I thought for a moment that Francis Ford Coppola died! That's what I get for not paying attention.

I think James Franco wants to kill Anne Hathaway. Kill her a lot.

Best Actress: Natalie. Alright, we all knew that right? I can't bring myself to see that film because Jere said there was "nail" stuff in it, and nails are like the back of the knees to me, it's the worst.
Natalie Portman has had a manager for 18 years. Geez.

Best Actor: Javier Bardem. How could anyone who woke up every day to Javier Bardem's face not be incredibly happy? But he didn't win. Colin Firth did.
I wonder what it's like if you're dating a movie star, and they win, and then in the acceptance speech they thank you, but they call you their "friend"?

On the Waterfront. I wanna watch that right now.

The montages this year have been particularly engaging for me.

Best Picture: The movie I haven't seen yet.

I'm done. I may in fact be a completely different person from this moment on, and not in the best way. Goodnight. Someone send me the video of Michelle Williams later.

ANTM Cycle 16: Why Guys Don't Make Passes at Girls Who Can't Walk Properly in Giant Flotation Devices

(alternatively titled: What if the supposed seasonal memory lapse of people who have winters turned out to be an actual and true thing, caused by something they've been putting in the water, to keep us around past summer?)





Sarah: I am watching VH1 Behind the Music: Motley Crue
it's horrifying

Bridget: I have been watching NCIS for the last hour

Sarah: I think these horrors have adequately prepared us for Tyra

At the beginning, in the beginning, there were would be months without magic and the villagers would be relieved. It was the period of incubation, when deep down at the ocean depths, the Sea Witch would carefully tend her nest, culling the dead eggs, cradling the hatchlings with the longest limbs folded inside their embryonic shells like fluttering birds. The ocean currents rocked them to sleep, and the creatures of the sea floor sustained them, their tiny little claws learning to grab quick and quietly from the shadows an unsuspecting lobster or crab, their tiny new little teeth cracking the shells with little horrible snaps and cracks, the tinkling of shiny clean enamel and shiny new purpose.

In the spring, as the winter icebergs floated away to the far away dimensions fleeing the sun, the storms came, and in her cave, the Sea Witch surveyed her survivors, tall and young and proud, and pronounced them fit for the trials. The villagers saw the winds changing, knew what the red sunrises predicted, red like patent leather, red like lipstick, red like blood soaked manicures. One night, when the lightning flashed the brightest, the mothers stowed their babes safe away and locked the windows tight, and up from the raging waves came the initiates, encased in plastic placentas, stumbling on their recently formed perfect limbs, swaying newborn colts. And the games began, the annual curse of every man and woman who chose to make their livelihood on this wretched coast.

Sarah: "give me another runway without a bubble on it"
if I had a nickel for every time I said that

The witch laughed at herself, knowing the faces of her children already, since they were the same faces she conjured every year. The Vulcan. The Trailer Park Queen. The Southern Belle. The Art Student. It didn't matter to know their names now, most of them would not survive the coming tests, they would crumble and cry and turn to dust. But she searched the faces, looking for the one she knew had something, a taste for sweat and sex and money. It hid in their doe eyes, underneath their dewy fresh cheeks. One of them had the beast in her. She would strip them down, peel their souls like old paint until they stood exposed in front her, and the fangs bared.

The first trial had been survival from the waves. The second trial was a portrait painted by a blind man with glass eyes. It was all very boring, the beginning. The witch cracked her knuckles, and scratched new catchphrases on her thighs with a small butter knife. She pictured them falling one by one, and smiled, but only with her eyes.

Bridget: That weird curly brown haired one is my enemy

Sarah: jaclyn?

Bridget: I don't know, I just missed her name AGAIN
I'm just going to pretend she doesn't have one



The full transcript of our liveblog can be found here. Welcome back bitches.

ANTM: Some Greatest Hits

There are three people in the world who still get excited for America's Next Top Model. Those people are Sarah, M., and myself. But luckily, there are more of you who only like to read my recaps. So in celebration of this next season, which starts next Wednesday, and the fact that this blog will soon stop being lame posts about the weathers, and instead become awesome posts about buildings and sunshine and crazy fucking television again, here are some of my Recap Greatest Hits. I am stocking up the wine as we speak.


Finale from Last Season: Sarah and I liveblog it.

ANTM Cycle 14: Mommy, what's a Whitney Port?

Cycle 14: Amoebas don't make motorcycles and atomic bombs!

Cycle 14: I hope Vampires Are Real Out of Spite

What the Fuck Tyra?

All of Cycle 12 in one handy post

America's Next Top Model Finale: Roberto Cavalli wants to sell you some elephant shoes

"Bridget: I didn't watch the Victoria Secret show did you?

Sarah: no

i like how it says "sexiest"....

and I'm like sexiest what...amazon fairy robot women?

that's sort of what they look like

Bridget: sexiest 20 year old woman on the edge of a mental and physical breakdown

Sarah: also, Katy Perry is like a roll of smarties exploded all over Charo"

Sarah and I watch the ANTM finale so you don't have to.

Oh It's That Time of the Week

Sarah has posted the sequel to our screenplay, entitled "Top Model Recap: Tyra is a Vampire and is training a legion of Pirate Whores to take over the World" over at her blog. Go read it. We are the two people most likely to survive the Fashionacolypse.

We Couldn't Stay Away That Long, There was Something in Our Blood That Drew Us Closer

Hey Everyone! Sarah and I Wrote a Screenplay!

It's called Sarah and Bridget Live Blog America's Next Top Model

I mean, I like it when I don't leave the house for a day, but it can get a little scary

So some heating and cooling business in Atlanta is going to get a little free promotion, because I just saw this Mitsubishi ad on TV during Gilmore girls while eating breakfast, and theirs is the only youtube video I can find with the embedded corporate ad. This is officially the creepiest video I have seen all week. It reeks of Blade Runner and various short story scifi from the 70s, like the one where the president is decided by having everyone in the country take an intelligence test administered by the giant computer? Listen for the very subtle reference to masculinity. Wrest control of your environment from the wicked hands of nature.



The effect is a little ruined at the end, but imagine it cuts off right before that, leaving it's promise in the air like a steely little daydream.

I can suggest two other ways to freak yourself out, if you really want to take this experience further. Do a youtube search for Mitsubishi Electric. The thousands and thousands of ads for hundreds of different products, ads for every imaginable country and market. Then, after you have faced the monster, ran your hand over the thick skin of the beast, go to the Mitsubishi Cooling & Heating solutions website. Think to yourself, "wait, it's not cooling and heating, its heating and cooling solutions. Everybody knows that." The off of it slides against your skin. They are the 215th largest corporation in the world.

Admit that you kind of want one, and get a glimpse of how a company becomes more powerful than a country. Just a glimpse though. You can feel the vastness of what you don't know unfold in front of you, like a yellow brick road with barbed wire across it stretching into the darkness. Feel your smallness.

PS that is a fucking Dharma commercial.

ANTM Cycle 14: "Amoebas don't make motorcycles and atomic bombs! "

Kaneda: This has GOT to be a trap.
Kei: Then go back.
Kaneda: No. I just have to find how MUCH of it is a trap.
-akira

This is how it works. Miss Jay will make some extra money, shilling for a travel site, and you won't mind as much as you thought you would. Because the power of tv is such that even watching an episode on DVR, you still stop to watch the AT&T commercial because really why hasn't someone draped the St. Louis Arch in satin? It needs to be done. It screams to be done.

This is how it works. Angelea is actually scrapbooking. Since the rise of the upstart Krista, Angelea has become more and more likable, as if in direct proportion to the decaying of her weave. A little humbleness has done wonders for her poise, and the villain here is really fickle Alex now, stripey side kicking Alex who feeds off the energy coming from Krista's new found bitchdom.

And this is how it works now bitches, Krista will win everything. Amazed by her recent string of wins, Krista's head has expanded like a nitrous balloon, slightly squeaky, cold to the touch, and liable to pop. 28th in a line of cheekbones, the praise has sunk into her skin and bloomed, an iridescent bloom of fame fungus. It leaves her with the shakes. She is literally withdrawing the moment the camera leaves her stone cut face. Outside Hobbiton (I'm not touching that, one geek reference a post, we must have continuity people, a theme, the STRUCTURE is everything), waiting for the winner, her frame trembles with every word. She sees the end coming, she doesn't know when, but she's determined to expand, and she is terrified of the ceiling coming close down upon her. Of running out of room to win. When her name is called, it's as if a fuse is fixed and all the appliances come back on at once. Krista is growing her soft exoskeleton slowly, it will harden with time, she is a Top Model Ninja. She goes on set and, grrr, she eats them all.

Tyra is the Shadow. But she is the Shadow in broad daylight. And she is the shadow in broad daylight with a secret. She slinks into the brightly lit, glaring even, vineyard in a denim jumpsuit and have you ever noticed that the universal hand gesture for "fierce" bears eerie resemblance to the universal gesture for removing a brain sucking parasite from your face?

So give Tyra your secrets my lovelies. Alex, tell her about the bag of halloween candy under your bed. Jessica, tell her you know the reason she keeps asking you about your family is because she knows you're going home and why doesn't she just tell you? Angelea, tell her your fake hair is telling you to do things, at night, when everyone's asleep. Tell her it scares you and you don't know how much longer you can hold it in. And Krista. Krista, tell her about the hunger in the pit of your abdomen,, and about the fear you see when you look in the mirror. The stranger with the hateful eyes that looks back at you. Raina, tell her why you chose "Oh MyLanta" as the catchphrase you want to be remembered by a nation for?

Tyra wields a camera, and the results are as follows. Alex is actually Diane Lane in Under The Tuscan Sun. Raina is a ghost pirate. Angelea is waiting for the Spartans to rape and pillage her. Jessica is Bambi's little sister. And Krista is a Cheetah with a Secret.

She follows Jessica back, after elimination, to the penthouse. She swallows her whole, and then slowly chews on the camera crew. The footage is later found and pieced back together, at the end of the world. Which apparently we have to look forward to.

ANTM Cycle 14: New Zealand. The Country That Does Not Start With a Z.

When have you ever heard of a country, A COUNTRY, promoting itself using a CW reality show? Never has Tyra gone to another country, and then they have added a whole page of their travel site devoted entirely to this show. Brazil would have NEVER done that shit. Thailand was even above that. Unless Tyra has made some huge move on the global shadow market, and is now a super power player. It would explain the jumpsuits. Maybe she now owns New Zealand?

Oh New Zealand! Don't you know how gladly I would move to you if only your other official website hadn't made it substantially clear that you only want chefs, construction workers, and shepherds? So now, since my corporate qualified booty isn't good enough for you? I'm going to be merciless.

Watching the intro to this weeks episode, I was struck by the fact that I don't really remember who all these other girls are. They flash across my eyes like so many other pretty girl faces I've been looking at since childhood, an endless stream of generic smokey eyes and pouty lips, stretching from New York to California, infinity and beyond. I will get older and uglier, but the world will never run out of pretty young girls, they will just keep feeding them into the grinder one by one.

There is an ad for a Queen Latifah/Common romantic comedy, and this is Hollywood's perfect black couple, the new Gerard Depardieu/Diana Lane.

The girls are on a plane. The producers expect us to believe the plane is an actual plane, and not just a sound stage somewhere in Las Cruces. But no real plane has cryogenic dvd equipped sleeping pods like that, do they? That was seriously the best first class I have ever seen, ever. I don't believe it. I think, in fact, the producers killed all the girls, had their DNA shipped over in cold storage, and just made them all over again in Auckland. When the girls grow up properly enough, they are brought to the edge of a volcano and greeted by a gaggle of tongue flapping Maori guys who ham it up hardcore for the cameras. Some perfectly coiffed Man Who Used to be a Duck introduces them by pointing out they are on a volcano, duh, and that these dancers are representing their culture and history. To which I am all like, tell me the fucking story of the volcano what! Tell me what that culture and history is yo!

Twist! The dirty dirty girls have to hike down the mountain and go to some Go Sees in Shantytown! Without taking showers. Which blows. I could never. I look like a rat drowned in Crisco if I don't shower every day. The taxi drivers take them all through the strip malls and harbor city shoppity shops. The skies are gray and it reminds me of Sandusky, OH. Every designer is like "We love Angelea, and would totally book her for runway shows." Which would be great for her, if that didn't mean a once a year invitation to crash in someone's guest bedroom and attend the Annual Sheep Shearers for the Cure Show.

But Second Twist! Jessica apparently has a baby! and a husband! that I don't remember hearing about ever before! This makes me love her so much more, irrationally so. It's possible this was brought up before, but maybe Anslee's own extreme motherhood whining cancelled out any peep from Jess. Or maybe Jessica doesn't love her baby. I mean, obviously not as much as Anslee does, right? Or she would talk about her more.

Alasia tells us she "found her swag" this week. I am reminded of the argument the Boy and I had about the meaning of the word "swag". He insisted it was a new street word for charisma. I refused to back down from it being a clothing sample, or a bag of freebies you get at charity events. I like to think Alasia meant she found the bag the producers gave out at auditions of free CG lip gloss and tampons.

We meet some lady who is the host of NZNTM. She is the head of New Zealand's largest modelling agency, and she uses the word "abide". Remind me to never watch NZNTM.

They finally get to go shower, and find out they are staying in the ONLY BIG BUILDING IN AUCKLAND. The only one. There is one tall building in New Zealand, and it is the hotel where they put American guests. There is a beautiful moment on the deck, where the girls are standing side by side, flush with the adventure of being on the other side of the world. A giant rainbow is formed over the ocean harbor, and the girls point and laugh and smile like 6th graders visiting NYC for the first time with Drama Club. Why can't we stop here readers? Why can't the whole fucking show, the whole series, end here, with this moment of innocent glee and wonderment? Young girls being shown a glimpse of the hugeness of what they don't know. It's perfect and clean. It's Cover Girl.

Then Jay shows up on a tractor, dresses them up like the Wicked Witches of the Gay Musical Revue, and makes them pose with large sheep.

Alasia goes home.






In other news...I totally heard this song on a Leggs commercial and it's my new favorite thing of the last five minutes. Also I think their album is called Young and Clever, which I'm tempted to get tattooed on the small of my back.

ANTM Cycle 14: Mommy, What's a Whitney Port?

A Whitney Port is a creature ripped untimely from it's mother's womb, and of no father conceived but the winds from the mesas and the fumes from the subway tunnels. It is air condensed, diffused with dust and shards of plastic, strangers' tears and gleams of glass. It is only with the most violent of concentrations that this phenomenon can hold it's corporeal shadow, and thus all action is performed with only this goal in mind. Don't lose shape. Hold thy form and substance. Exist.

And into the wild and wonderful Tyranny of Tyra was this ghost thrust. A witch brought it with her on the elevator. The witch whipped her sharp eyelashes and muttered the magic words, and a storm gathered next to her. Slowly the magical gusts settled into a vapid gaze. The witch examined the room of wide eyed does, searching into their hearts to divine which one of them could see the Whitney standing there. She rubbed her bony knuckles and smiled benevolently like a wasp.

"And look who we have here today! It's fashion designer and star of the Hi...the City, Whitney Port!"

The girls looked confused. Alasia thought to herself "there's nothing there. But apparently there's something there. And if Pat Cleveland sees it, then there must be something wrong with me if I don't see it. It means I'm not high fashion, only magazine. Therefore, I must pretend there is something there in order to be a real model. I want to be a real model." She had never read the Emperors New Clothes, but she knew well enough to smile and nod at the scary crone with the fingernails.

Thus the Whitney was seen by none, but loved by all. And her army of fame hawks swept into the sorority house, and made all the girls drink a tea that smelled funny. Then one by one, the Witch visited them and put her claws on their shoulders and forced them to look in the mirror.

"Tell me the essence of you" Tell me the part of what you are that is most important, tell me now my precious. And as each girl giggled a little from the tea, they thought extra hard about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Jessica said "I want to be a princess!" and snatch! grab! Into the witches bag the wish went! Krista said "I want to be Big and Bold!" and swoosh, catch! The Witch sucked the color from between the cracks of her childhood, and Krista became a real model.

Remember when I asked where Alex had gone? Well it turns out she went into the corner to cut herself and write poems. When the Witch came to her, it was all she could do to stomach the girl's poisoned aura, and out of pity she cast a merciful spell "You are a bird. You are about to take off." Alex's eyes stared into the void of the wall mirror.

Groggy and slurry from their adventures in the guidance counselor's weekend camp, the girls were taken to a Drag Bar, and forced like drunk cheerleaders to dance on the tables for the suspiciously straight looking patrons. Krista reveled in her new found soullessness, thanked the devil for his contract, and went for the Disco Mannequin Pose. She brought down the house, and behind their cheering she thought "Now I know."

The next day, the girls are late they're late for a very important date. Alasia becomes lost in the clouds of her Afro, as she is wont to do when the mirror speaks to her, and misses going down with the rest of the girls to the limo. She decides to beat the crap out of a perfectly innocent elevator for ten minutes. Why, Alasia? Why couldn't you have just taken the stairs? Why did you have to paw in futile rage at a metal door before you even though to look for the stairs? Doors have feelings too, and you hurt them. Hint: take the stairs from now on.

They travel in relative silence to the photo shoot, where the theme is Dr. Seuss characters.



Heckling ensues, encouraged by two weird guys who do weaves for a living. Krista tries to channel a Black Power Cat In the Hat. Angelea is told to pretend she is a pole dancer for cavemen. Raina brings brings a quiet dignity to Who everywhere.

Whatever. The big news here is that Anslee, the Squirrel Mama from Hell, has finally been sent home. Also Tyra invented a new name for New Zealand "The N.Z.! Holla!" And next week we will all be treated to way too much footage of Krista and Angelea screeching like crows in first class for a 22 hour flight, while every other passenger desperately tries to open the emergency hatches and make a leap for it.

ANTM Cycle 14: Oh, the Humanity!

War sucks. Violence of any kind between any creatures sucks. No matter how holy or justified or necessary you feel it is, it always fucking sucks.

So, you know, welcome to the War episode. Every season of Top Model has that one episode where the editors decide to draw the battle lines clear, to recognize the two cliques that have eventually and inevitably formed in the House of Tyra. One could almost compare this episode with a holiday tradition, where certain rituals are observed to mark an historic victory, or loss. We watch passively, with some sentimentality for the likes of Jade, and then we eat dinner and go back to work.

On the "For Real" side we have General Angelea, flanked by her cabinet, Krista, Alasia, and Anslee. Wait, what? What the fuck is Anslee doing there? Like many legendary leadership groups, this one was forged out of the heat of battle. These four girls fought, bit, scratched, rattled, screamed at each other for a few weeks, and then became close friends when they realized Raina is probably going to win. It's kind of like how I hoped my cats would act when I got them. Hate each other at first, and then bond over the defense of their illogical hatred to any onlookers.

On the "Oh my god What" team, we have Raina, Jessica, and Super Mom. They talk a bunch of trash to each other in the guise of grief counseling, and then act like they don't. In other words, they are the girls you hated in high school but who you now watch on Glee.

In the beginning, there was darkness, and then Tyra looked upon the dry and barren earth and found it was wanting. She reached into the darkness and pulled out from nothingness an apple. She cut the apple in twain, making two parts out of one, and thus were born Malibou Barbie and Marietta Barbie. First of all, Jessica is from Arkansas. Why wouldn't you make her Arkansas Barbie? Malibou Barbie is classic barbie, you can't beat her. Jessica is not that pretty and not that rich. And second, Ms. Marietta, I don't believe your shit about everyone in Marietta knowing each other. There are 58,000 people in that suburb. Maybe the first thing you have to do to FIX YOURSELF is figure out that you don't know everyone worth knowing. You are not even old to drink.

I know, I'm jumping ahead here, but it bugged me. I'm willing to give it to her because of the whole 18 thing though, and she's obviously terrified. Maybe she'll go to Paris and be sufficiently shocked into social decency.

So there's this stupid teach where some stupid Bryn Mawr android who now works for a magazine no one buys recites the last seventy covers of Seventeen, and the girls pretend to dress according to their body shape. Raina gets the short end of the stick by being told she has to wear ruffles, and gets to keep this incredibly ugly yellow blouse she threw on, which she then wears for the rest of the episode because she is trying to get a job out of this.

Jessica wins and there's the requisite Seventeen random photo shoot that never looks like it has a theme at all because that magazine is the doctors office equivalent of a GAP catalog.

The limo ride home from that one is like the best endorsement for public transportation ever.
Angelea actually says at one point "I'm smart. People would not believe that about me because of the way I am."

I swear to god, sometimes I think this show is going to be the thing we are all remembered for.

Next is the challenge where the girls have to dress up like virgins and interview with the Demon Tinsley, in the bowels of Meat Packing District Hell. A few of them drink too much and Angelea is of course the douchebag that makes the "sex on the beach" joke, and Tinsley opens her bionic jaws wide and swallows her whole. But then chokes on her weave and spits up. The wait staff at whatever den of inequity they were sashaying around all tweet furiously, ironic beautiful 140 lines of pure poetry. Then they smoke a lot of weed and try to avoid sleeping with Jessica. Later Jay Manuel says to Jessica, thoughtfully, "You're absorbing like a sponge. It's interesting."

Back at the house, Raina goes into the Suprisingly Not SoundProofed At All Confessional, and Alasia eavesdrops and then Raina eavesdrops, and here's my question. WHERE IS ALEX? Did she get special compensation to live in another apartment, because I swear she disappears the moment they get back to the house. GOOD FOR HER.

Finally, there's the photo shoot. They made us wait for it this episode, didn't they? Nicole finally shows up, dolled up all glamour shots. It's like the CoverGirl brainwashing just wouldn't take with her, and they had to keep her away until they were sure the neural pathways were intact, and she wouldn't randomly slip in some crazy communist hippie east coast talk. Angelea tries to suck up to her, and ask her about dealing with house drama. Nicole looks very confused and says "um, stay away from it", and flinches away from Angelea's teeth. Her eyes dart to and fro as her weakened mind tries to piece together shreds of advice from between the virtual CoverGirl manual they uploaded between her ears. Finally, she gathers up her strength and whispers doubtfully "stay classy". Stay Classy Nicole. Fight the Nightmare honey.

There is judging. For once, Alasia's picture does not win a James Beard award, or even honorary mention. No, now Ursula the Male Sea Witch has decided to bestow all his blessings on Angelea, whose picture screams humanity to him! Sweet human flesh, ripe with indignation, rage, and corn syrup! His inhuman wails are no longer quieted by your soft curves dear Alasia, and so there goes your society introduction, your trip to Los Angeles, your first husband. You see it all flash gem-like before your eyes, and then slip away in the bleached out yellow slipstream that is Angelea's plastic hair. You choke on your tears, the canvas of your future wrapping around you, suffocating you, as you stand defeated in the bottom two. But no worries, the great Tyraberry believes in you. You live to pose another day, and now Angelea's fate is sealed, because I still like you better than her. With me supporting you, her reign of insane victimhood will be short and abrupt.

The war is over. Brenda lost. But now the carpetbagging begins in earnest.

ANTM Cycle 14: The worst word in the whole English language is Romper.

Once upon a time, I wanted to write a book that came with a soundtrack, and calibrated the songs to come in at average reading times, so that everyone just about heard the same song while reading the same part of the book.

What I'd like to do now is apply that idea to ANTM. However, I don't have video skills or programs, so you're going to have to use your imagination. And hand eye coordination.

First, start the show and this video at the exact same moment:



Alright, now Anslee is crying about her baby, and some girls no one knows are talking about the relationship of pickle juice and bodily functions. Blah Blah. I hate babies. They should put more babies in pickle juice. Which is more heart killing, coroner or model? They both involved sucking liquids out of bodies and cutting open into the hidden spaces. The girls get all dressed up and go out to a tram, but like a city tram? Which seems horribly unsafe. I had a classmate that fell out of a ferris wheel once and that tram makes me think of that. Where is the tram going exactly? Are they going to throw them out of the thing one by one? Oh, only metaphorically. Miss Jay, Etiquette Queen, is there to teach them about chemistry. He's going to throw them into a tram with some unknown male model and teach them how to be real ladies.

1. Also ask about him. Talk about him. What does he like?
2. Be funny, makes jokes. It's your job to make sure he's entertained.
3. Hold eye contact. Hypnotize your prey, move in slowly.
4. Make him feel comfortable. This is your job. Do it.

Oh Miss Jay, surely you don't mean to imply that the 1950s is back, do you? Cause I seem to recall that being a time of hardship for, well, absolutely everything you embody. So I know you wouldn't want to thoughtlessly teach a generation of girls that taking care of their man is a solely one-sided proposition, and thereby ally yourself with those who would beat you senseless in a cow field and cut off your dick? I know you would never, right?

Then they get to meet their male model. Cue:



That's right, Nigel Barker. The teach is to flirt with Nigel Barker. Who is suddenly claiming to not be married and have no kids? Which I seem to remember from past seasons as being a complete lie? It is creepy and sad that all of the girls act like they were just told to dance with Uncle Albert at their aunt's wedding.

Some shit happened where the girls had to pose with some flamingly gay comedian I've never heard of in sexually suggestive positions, and it's also weird and creepy. Some of them are dressed up like chorus girls. Nigel shoots them from outside on the street, through a window, so it's all peeping tom like? This whole episode is making me squishy inside and also a little bit righteous. There should be some Barbara Streisand happening here.

Then the photo shoot.



Jay Manuel feeds us some crap about feeling bad for all the poor underage kids in China who lose their jobs when horrible evil poor people like us buy designer knockoffs. Then the girls get dressed up like 90's Dance vocalists and pose like broken dolls on the most uninteresting section of New York street ever. Anslee proves she is the worst kind of person in the makeup chair.

makeup artist: "Don't cry"
Anslee: "No I've already done that all morning."

That, my dear, is why no one likes you.

While we've got this song going on, let's talk Tyra's jumpsuits. There was something in the credits about this whole season being dedicated to Alexander McQueen, and I'm wondering if that's the jumpsuit thing? Did he do jumpsuits and rompers? If so, I'm kinda glad he's dead. No, that's mean. But you know, if he's responsible for this, I don't care, I'll say that to his cold dead face. Fuck jumpsuits.

Of course, with Talley in his 60th Level Zen Crystal Warrior robes, maybe Tyra's just being converted to the Scientologists.

Finally, Judges Panel:



Tats goes home. Where she will no doubt start her own funeral home with some nice guy who collects butterflies. When she is older and examining the bags under her eyes, she considers how the botox in her face might react to the crematory fires.

Then, as the girls stand in their accepted row, they slowly recede into the walls, sealed in pressurized chambers, turned off. The lights dim and Tyra stands alone in the darkness while her minions light candles behind her. She raises her arms slowly, eyes reached to heaven. Her earrings start to sputter and roar to life, miniature rockets that propel her toward the ceiling, which opens silently, and out out out above the lonely darkness of the city lights. The huge and sprawling concrete organism that lives off tears.

ANTM Cycle 14: I swear to god, I hope vampires are real out of spite

photo courtesy of Fanpop. And whoever they took it from.

Alright my little moon disco Macintoshes, let's talk about how much better the Kanye Pandora channel is than the Lady Gaga channel. I'm just saying. One gives me Mos Def, the other gives me T.A.T.U. Followed by Nelly Furtado. Oh Pandora, you are a fickle lover.

Now let's talk about vampires. Cause that was the theme for this week's ANTM, that and CoverGirl screwing people (see NICOLE FOX) over. Seriously, what's up with this Dania person? Her pants are two sizes too small for her. Probably cause she's not a petite model. Do you know what she was on Heroes? She was crazy "oil oozes out from eyes and kills all of you" girl. NOT SEXY. Where is Nicole?

Okay, back to vampires. You know what I think of when I think "vampires"? Hair identity issues. No, it's true. Pattison and his amazing engineered hair of steel have permanently linked the two in my head, which is why this week's focus on Brenda and her hair of suck (see, pun) was totally appropriate. Brenda was freaking out. I mean, in general. But then Tyra saw she was "not working the edge" and decided to just make the girl cry and shave the sides of her head into this rag doll of a faux hawk mullet. Which incredibly, Brenda still managed to make look soccer mommy. It's like, her super power.

You know what else I think of with vampires? Mommy issues. As in, no mother should be allowed on ANTM ever again. I am sick of it. I am sick of the manufactured child pity monologues, but mostly I am sick of the constant superiority complex they lord over everyone else in the house. "I had to grow up really fast cause I got knocked up, so even though I'm on a CW modeling competition and only 2 years older than you, I'm going to treat you like a child." If being a mommy is so important to you? GO GET A JOB THAT INCLUDES A BENEFITS PACKAGE AND WON'T INVOLVE YOU NEVER BEING HOME. I want to bitch slap this Anslee thing.

In her defense though, Alize totally shouldn't have gone to the dark place with that whole bad mother thing. I would have probably lunged across the counter and throttled her. However, the dark place is where Alize lives, and the dark place is full of water, because Alize will never take off her silver bathing suit. The girls had to do some stupid activity where they learned to emote from the Upright Citizens Brigade (what?) and when Alize fell over? SHE WAS TOTALLY WEARING THE SUIT UNDER HER SWEATER.

I have a terrible theory that maybe she couldn't afford to buy nice underwear before coming on the show? Or she's a Never Nude?

So the producers did the next logical thing and totally took all the lines out of the Cover Girl commercials. As in, just stand there and pose dahlings. Tatianna (Who? I know, right?) takes the cake by silently posing like a Ukrainian video girl. Good for her. I guess.

Back at the house, the Tyra Mail tells the girls they will be visiting the No Neck Monster for their photo shoot. Every girl in the house assumes this means snakes, because what else would any reasonable person assume? I certainly don't think of vampires. I mean, vampires have necks. That's how they became vampires. Jay shows up in his bestest Saturday night leather bathrobe. The girls have to put in whiteout contacts for the shoot, which leads to Brenda crying again and Anslee being all stupid superior again and me cutting my toenails. Then the girls have to climb into a tub of blood, because this is a True Blood photo shoot where everyone is wearing cutoffs in a claw foot bathtub. Everyone freaks about the blood, except Tats, who is all like "I'm not scared of blood, I work with dead bodies." Which would be impressive if it was real blood. Which it wasn't. Calm the fuck down.

So to sum up, they inexplicably frizz Raina's hair again. Simone and Anslee try out for the remake of Mannequin. Alize knows how to spread her legs. And Tyra is going to wear a new and ugly in a different way jumpsuit every episode. Beauty Queen gets kicked off, which is totally unfair, but whatever, she's professional and nice about it. I bet she's sad she can't mention she goes to Duke every 12 seconds anymore in a national forum. And no one has killed that Talley thing yet, which I am really disappointed in. I refuse to adopt dreckitude as a thing. Tyra has started imitating his cadence, which is almost completely unbearable. Doesn't he have a vacation house in Thailand to retire to? He and Dania should go there and farm pepper. Maybe then they would get some idea of what hot actually means.

I know, that last one didn't go anywhere. Oh well. Jumpsuits!

This American Idol Thing, Right?

Alright, as a last ditch effort to save some small part of my dignity before I get really into this, let me just point out that I have never watched a season of American Idol, and have kept myself chaste from Ryan's cold dirty stare.

But see, now I have a DVR.
Also, look, I know I've got my reality show sins. Top Chef. Tool Academy. America's Next Top Model. Which by the way starts next week (thank fucking god), so I've been thinking of this Idol thing as just a pre-game show, you know. The warm up to the apocalypse.

So I started watching Idol this year when they hit the top 24. There is no point to watching anything before the actual performances start, at least unless you really enjoy feeling superior to the rest of the country and watching people cry in pathetic and heartbreaking ways. Which I DO, but two hours straight of it, and at that point you either hate yourself, or you're getting off on it in an inappropriate way. It's deliberate I bet, a way to get your ego pumped enough so that you'll feel completely okay judging these people when voting hits, even though the worst of them is still more talented than you. Except for...well we'll get to that. C'mon America, you OWN these people, separate the wheat from the chaff you fat couch bound motherfuckers. Remember, you saw her during the auditions before they picked her! It's like you discovered her yourself! You are prescient, honestly. Your contestant's fate is completely dependent on your support, you god blessed children of the sweet green flatland.

How does anyone watch this show without DVR? First of all, it's on three nights a week. And each show is like, two hours long. And 1 hour 15 minutes of that is commercials. This is not the fucking Olympics guys. There are 12 people each show, they sing like a minute thirty worth of song and then boom, commercial break again, between EACH ONE. They are just fucking with you. Or they think you have a real bladder control problem. Maybe you are drunk enough that you do. Maybe they figure all the drinking you would have to do to get through 2 hours of this shit, for the past nine years, has fucked with your soft insides enough that they are willing to be a little merciful. Or Kara has to take a break every ten minutes to refresh her spray tan. Who is this Kara creature and why is she on here? Every time she opens her gaping maw, she looks around for approval, like an Italian aunt. "I like you!" "You're dirt, but I like you!" "I hated this, but I like YOU." Over and over again, like Paula's soul was implanted in her and looped. She is every girl you have ever met in a bar downtown that you hated.


Oh I criticize but shit, I think total? I've watched about 4 hours of this show. The Boy usually calls me just as it's finishing, and then I feel even more dirty because he wants to talk about other things, and I just seriously want to talk about song selection. I wonder if he's going to be okay when Top Chef starts and I no longer have shame holding my tongue.

I have opinions about this show, guys. And here they are.
First, the boys. There are only two boys I like, and I don't really like either of them much, but they are the only ones who don't make me want to never touch a dick again. Wait no, there's three. But the third one is David Cassidy, so I don't think it counts. Everyone else is a) flat b) trying to be Josh Groban or c) has a mullet. To be fair, Mullet Guy sorta has a Marty McFly vibe going on, and I'd like to believe it's deliberate, but I don't think it's as deliberate as it should be. There's some guy from Atlanta who wore tails last week, and needs to be a senate page, really it's his true calling. There's Egghead Latino, as he's being referred to on the interwebs. Everyone's a big fan of him, but he smacks of Wannabe Fallout Boy to me, and I think if there's any justice in the world, he will fall. He sang "Sugar We're Going Down" the first week, and I thought to myself, if the Barenaked Ladies singer ever dies in a fiery not at all intentional plane crash, this guy has a job for life. Also I just looked it up and the Barenaked Ladies singer just quit the band last year, so hello?

But here is my top pick guy: Lee. I have nothing deep to say about him. He does songs I hate, but he's adorable, and not singing old R&B songs, so win.



There a rumor that this year the producers really want a girl to win, presumably because Clay and Adam really burned them. And I think they have stacked the deck accordingly, because the guys are generally exactly what you find if you searched youtube for "High school band doing cover of John Legend." The girls aren't much better. There's a stylish Cuban mami church singer who sang Creed, so GOODBYE I don't care how awesome your little outfit was. There's that blonde girl from One Tree Hill who played the piano this week, though she played it so slow, it made me think maybe she also learned to play the piano this week. Some sixteen year old lounge singer named Katie, who is like, the new Rickie Lake.

Oh, but there are three girls I love. LOVE.

First - Jewel. Totally the best singer. Charmingly reticent to the whole Idol thing. Looks at Ryan like he's on crack. Only pays attention to Simon's criticism, which oh my god, the stereotype about him was completely correct. It's like I've been hearing about this mythical Simon creature for years, and only now I can admit that yes, he is the only real person in this whole show. Everyone else is a hologram. Even Ellen. Ellen looks like she fought a little before they took her, like she was hiding out in the Costa Rican jungle, which is my explanation for her safari outfit this week.



Next - Jewel. But Jewel after she got rich. I like the Gray Haired Wonder, cause at least she's trying to actually have a sound, even if it is the same sound coming out of every British recording studio right now. I suspect she's a good front woman. She's going to get a recording contract out of this either way.



And finally: Siobhan. The girl everyone knew in high school who had the lead in every play ever done in that cold creaking auditorium. Rachel from Glee. Did I mention I love that show? It was only a matter of time before the Idol got me I guess. This is her performance from the week before, cause she did Aretha this week, which was okay, but she looked like a complete tool doing it and you knew she did it only so she could hit a high note. I think I just like her because I like the idea that not all those high school drama club stars end up getting fat and married in Illinois somewhere. Though the mere fact that no one bothered to make a youtube video of her actual performance is disconcerting. All of you East coast fat cat liberals need to get off your high horses and vote for her so everyone's dreams everywhere stay marginally intact.



So there are my honest favorites. And then there is Haley. Haley is not a girl or a boy. It is a Haley, the first completely self powering self propelled karaoke machine/wii. It got eliminated this week, I just found out while searching for this video. I wonder if they will repurpose it to make lattes.



If you want to waste an hour of your time looking at the disintegration of our gene pool, here are the other performances.
I'm sorry I did this to you. To all of you.

Exile in Snowsville

So everyone has been in an uproar over this Forbes article that claims Cleveland has the worst winters in the country. They should have kept their mouths closed, because they pissed off the Lake Monster, and now it's snow snow snowing. I'm all snug and cozy in my house, so no complaints, except that I have to do laundry yet have no motivation to leave the house to do this. Yay no underwear days.

A text exchange with the Boy yesterday:

B: Snowpocalypse! Snowapalooza. Snowmageddon. nightmare in snowsville.
S: World War Snow
B: Snow of the worlds
S: Saving Private Snow
B: The Snow Also Rises
S: Snow on 34th St. Dances with Snow. Snow White and the Snow
B: The Seven Snows, duh.
B: War and Snow
S: Aqua Teen Hunger Snow
S: The Grinch that stole Snow
B: I think we're done
S: No!
S: What about "A Few Good Snowmen"


I watched so much TV last night, I kinda don't want to watch anymore ever. At least till next Tuesday. It was one of those locked down marathon sessions, where you catch up on all your DVR stuff, then there's LOST, and more DVR stuff. At the end of the night, I think I was convinced that Nathan Fillion was an international spy sent to kill zombie Iraqis, who recently found out he was the father of a blonde Abercrombie & Fitch model. A model who's dating Mac from Always Sunny.

Speaking of Life, Unexpected (I hate that comma so goddamn much. I don't even think there IS a comma there, but it sounds like there's a comma there, so I put a comma and curse my life every time.) Anyway, speaking of, I got stuck before bed last night trying to predict every single episode summary they will have on that show. I feel like if maybe I put them all down here, and then they all come true, someone at CW will note my prescience and hire me. So here we go:

Probable Upcoming Episodes for Life, Unexpected:

1) Parent teacher conferences. Baze (the irresponsible Dad/bar owner) does something irresponsible, which leads Kate (the uptight and self-righteous mother) to believe he won't show up. But then he does. And the teacher, witnessing their inability to get along, tells them all of Lux's problems are their fault. Which is true. Then they both gang up on the teacher, and feel better about themselves. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

2) Ryan (Kate's fiancee) finds out Kate and Baze slept together the one night they were broken up. He threatens to leave. Kate appeals to his pity for her (I can't be a single mom, blah blah blah) and he stays. Baze is depressed about this, since he figures out he loves Kate. He drinks some more. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

3) Ryan and Kate, being recently outed as a couple in their professional careers, have to discuss their upcoming nuptials on their radio show, which leads to Kate having some cold feet. So she makes out with Baze. Ryan leaves her. Everyone is happy his completely unnecessary character is gone. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

4) Lux makes some new misfit friends at her ultra preppy high school, and then her old preppy friends who hated her now hate her more and she becomes the target of some really lame jokes. She is miserable, and wishes she was back on the streets with her heroin dealer boyfriend Bug. Then she runs away for a night to Bug's apartment, and Kate flips out, and they have a discussion about boundaries. Bug once again tries to convince her to run away with him to Tijuana to start that pony show they always talked about. She says she can't leave with him, even though it will mean two holes in her heart (she had heart surgery as a kid). Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

5) Since Bug and Lux are on the outs, totally predictable because now she's all rich and fancy, Lux meets a new preppy boy at school, and totally crushes on him. Bug finds out and beats New Guys face into a bloody pulp by the bicycle racks. Lux tells Bug to run, and doesn't turn him into the cops, but is forever known as Bloody Mary at school. She cries in her room all the time and won't eat. Kate gets a large pitbull/boxer mix for protection. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

6) Lux's paternal grandfather takes her out to lunch, to get to know her. They discuss his true feelings about his son Baze, which are basically a combination of homophobia and disappointment. Lux bonds with her grandfather over these mutual feelings, and Baze gets very unhappy about this. Then Kate's mom wants in on the action, but no one pays attention to her, cause she's an alcoholic, which is secretly why Kate gave up Lux in the first place. Lux gets really sick with another hole in heart, and goes to the hospital for emergency surgery, which makes everyone realize they love her and should put up with all the other bullshit in order to make her life better. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

7)Lux's grandfather takes her on a camping trip, because she's probably never seen a fish, even though she lives in Seattle. But actually he's testing her reflexes and cognitive abilities, because as it turns out, he had a daughter that died at her age, and then he created an avatar of her and planted that in a giant robot body. Which is why no one wanted her when she was little. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else. Also robots.

8) Lux somehow managed to skip three grades of high school, and has to pick a college. Kate gets all freaked out that she'll leave them, which Lux would do, only she's bound by the poison her grandfather has been administering her every day and has to get the antidote from him every week or she'll die. So she stays local, and gets an apartment with one of her misfit friends. Then Bug shows up and tries to get some crack money from her. When she won't let him in, he rapes her roommate and then gets the blame placed on Baze. Who it turns out has a record. He beats the crap out of Kate's alcoholic mother, and holds a hasty wedding with Kate before running for the border. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.


See? They should just give this show to me now.

I Finally WatchedThe Vampire Diaries A LOT, which should be spelled Vampyr. Really. They're Not Trying Hard Enough.

I have this friend who has been working on a trio of paintings for like, a year. Each one is a city landscape, and he just keeps painting over things, taking buildings down, taking signs down, repainting the signs, changing the skies so it goes from hurricane to mild rain, some sunshine, weird lighting. He was telling me about the newest part over the phone, and I was suddenly really sad that I hadn't been taking pictures of the paintings ever time I went over there. It would show them in every manifestation, and it would be like that movie Smoke, where the guy takes a picture of the same street corner, every day at the same time, for like fifty years. I think the photo journal accompaniment would be cool to have, it would make the triptych into a comment on urban development. Also then he could make an animation of it. MISSED OPPORTUNITY.



Yesterday instead of cleaning I watched like ten episodes of the Vampire Diaries in a row. I don't know why I put it on the recording schedule. CW was doing like a marathon of the entire first season last week, and I must have thought what the hell. I wish very much that at that exact moment, one of you had kicked me in the head. It's one of those shows where everyone sucks, except for one character, which gets all the sarcastic lines, so he's like a walking Writers inside joke. And that's the character played by my boyfriend from Rules of Attraction. This show might have worked way better if Edward (I mean Stefan) was played by Dawson. And Bella (I mean Elena) was played by Susan Sossamon. And there were no vampires. And the vampires didn't have rings that let them walk around in the sun. If we took those rings away, it would cut in half the amount of 90210 drama. Still leaving it with more than 90210 itself. Also, there are no werewolves, yet. What is the point of vampires if you don't have werewolves?

When I was younger, I used to read Anne Rice and Poppy Z Brite. While I would never be tempted to read them again (because frankly I'd rather reread The Babysitters Club), it does seem like I had a better quality of trashy vampire sex novel back then. I think Stephanie Meyers is lowering people's expectation at how hard an author should work to hide that she's writing porn.

When you watch ten hours of something, anything, you are going to start to feel high on it. My emotional take away from this event was that it's totally true, every new person you date is going to be a compilation of traits from previous people you dated, so I can totally forgive this crappy storyline where Elena looks exactly like some vampire Civil War Belle that Stefan used to be in love with. Because even though its incredibly creepy to have some guy with that kind of hair be stalking you for 145 years in various incarnations, and also quite sad to think that even though you keep being reborn, you will somehow always be stuck in this small town, it's kind of reflective of how everyone's relationships are. Right?

Those rings are seriously lame.

Last night I saw some old friends, and I got extremely drunk at ABC. Then, at home, I was walking to the bathroom from my bedroom, and fell head first down the stairs. Even worse, afterwards, I couldn't get unstuck from between the stairs and the front door, which I hit hard. It took me forever to get up. I think it's actually a good thing I was that drunk, I think the alcohol probably made it better, because when I woke up this morning it wasn't that bad and I didn't even have a bruise yet. It has however been developing on several spots on my body, like a bloody fungi under my skin. Up above? That's my lower back. Also on my knee, and a giant bump on my head. It reminded me of the last time I hurt myself that badly, which was back in Kent when I drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort, and walked across town with friends to go to a club. I was totally fine the whole way there, until we got to the door and I tripped and fell flat on my face. Hard. Also, there was the time when Marty lived in this house, actually the first time I met him, he had a party and I fell down the basement steps, all the way down. In retrospect, I think this house is actively trying to kill me.



I've noticed that I seem to get the most comments on posts I write that are all serious and shit, and never the funny ones. It's like you guys don't think I'm funny or something. I mean, I'm not the funny one in my family, that's my sister. But I think I'm up there on the ladder, somewhere around "not not funny". So since it can't be my writing, I have to assume it is your fault. You guys are way too obsessed with love and beauty and shit like that, like you think it's IMPORTANT or something. How did I get such serious readers?

Anyway, my brother showed me The Bloggess, and she's become my favorite funny blog. She's one of those ones that is SO good, you want to leave her comments on everything, but there's already 214 comments on each post, so what's the point?