When Vampires Eat Crayons, They Become Power Rangers

What will happen if I eat crayons?

Funny story. When I was very small, I fed my much smaller new baby sister some watercolor paints. Then everyone freaked out when her urine was weird colors. I don't know if this story is true per se, I remember knowing it, but I don't remember if I imagined it, or Mom told me at some point, or like I made it up while writing a story. I have quite a few childhood memories like that, mostly insignificant events or silly uncertain details.

If you eat crayons, your entire life will become my memory. Every day will morph into a technicolor haze of faces you can't quite place, while Tom's Diner plays on hellish repeat in that space between your ears that you forgot to clean up after dreaming.

You'll stare for hours at your own fingers, marveling at their ugliness, their uncanny resemblance to the shade Flesh.

Also, your pee will turn reddish brown. It will not be from the wax.

If you had to referee a fight between two local media personalities who would they be and who would win and why? And would you throw the fight in favor of one or the other?

I had to think about this for a while, at least five minutes. And here is my conclusion. I cannot name a single local media personality anymore. I mean, I can pull Robin Svaboda and that's it. Which I was going to say something snarky about, something about how she shouldn't feel so good about that because I also think she wears a wig and is a pill popper. But you know, let's let her have that one. I've lived in this town for the good part of thirty tv watching, newspaper and free magazine reading, radio listening years, and she is the only one whose name I know. I seriously can't even think of that old guys name, the one with the Woolly Bears. I fucking remember the Woolly Bears though.

I suppose I could think of two bloggers to fight each other. But I like being neutral and peaceful and just writing my crap without interference. Bloggers are nasty beasts if you wake them up from hibernation. Also, I would kind of feel ill giving them the title "media personality". Or, even better, I could name two bartenders! But you never know where you might end up drinking.

In conclusion: I'm so Switz.

is it ok to like twilight?

NO. No, it's not okay. It's not okay even in a cheesy girly laughing ironic way. It's so not okay, I can't even make a joke about it. It is bad writing, it's terrible for young girls to read, and it's an emblem of everything that is wrong with our country's perception of sex.

Also I hate puppies and unicorns and flowers. And VC Andrews.

(that part about the unicorns is a lie. that part about VC Andrews is true. REALLY REALLY TRUE)

Ask me anything

Edit: My mom just sent me an email telling me that I ate crayons when I was little and peed purple. I don't know, I remember watercolors too. Also, this explains why I have a repulsion towards ever watching Purple Rain.

Edit edit: I predict that one of the girls on American Idol will cover Tom's Diner this year.

Edit edit edit: OH MY GOD PEOPLE. IT WAS TOTALLY MY BOYFRIENDS MOM.