Ryan Seacrest Dreams of the Blue Dolphins

why are emo kids so annoying? and why do they all dress alike? don't they know that non-conformity means not looking all the same? i mean, if you're going for that look, at least TRY a little, right?

First, I don't think we call kids "Emo" anymore. I mean, I admit, I still use it too. Because I am an aging bitter Cake fan. But I don't think we're supposed to. I think it dates us. Also, when I think about the music out there currently, I think Emotional Hardcore has been replaced by Stoic Plastic Nonsense. Emotions are determined by your shoe size.

But even if this trend still really does exist, in the closets of North Ridgeville and Euclid, I don't think the real issue is if they're annoying. The truth is EVERYONE IS ANNOYING. Everyone who actually thinks about non-conformity, thinks they are being a non-conformist. Nobody sits around strategizing how they can be more of a conformist. I mean, maybe a few really socially inept kids whose mothers home schooled them are doing that. And in that situation, not a bad idea. Survival is survival. But most people think they are unique and weird and wonder how anybody could really love them if only they knew the depths of depravity that erode the inner workings of their blue hole souls? Most people equal non-conformity with whatever social/artistic/musical group they ascribe to. Which is the funny part, being different because you're part of a group, no matter how small that group. It takes more of a toll to not belong to a group. And it's not as much fun on Saturday nights.

I don't think belonging to subcultures is a bad thing. We need community, ways to make friends and meet lovers, buy drugs, get free kittens, have dance parties in kitchens, define our social impacts. We need to have fun. Even fugly seventeen year olds who haven't learned the photogenic effects of black lipstick. Even they need to create memories of shame and sexual humiliation, that's what seventeen is about right?

I'm confused by the last part of your question? Logically, it should be impossible to create a "non-conformist look", right? And if you TRY to create that look, you're conforming to the 90s idea that we should all be individuals. So you fail automatically.

Leave the kids alone. The kids are alright. It's the fucking adults who can't get over it that need to be put down.

If you found yourself suddenly in possession of 10 extra cats, what would you name them?

Why do you hate me, do you think?

What nightmare scenario are you creating to torture me in your head, where I'm suddenly in a house with 12 cats?
Because it might work, I might actually want to kill myself. Or marry you, just to get the hell out of there. Are you an evil land baron? Or a wizard? Or a serial killer? It just seems like something those people might do.

This is all assuming those cats don't chew open my organs the first night I pass out drunk forgetting to feed them.

Olivia. I would name them all Olivia

What would you do if you had the chance to spend an evening with the ghost of JD Salinger?

I would hire a witch doctor to work a spell that sucks all the poison from his soul, so he could go to heaven. Then I would distill that poison into a liquid, a rarefied liquor to mix with champagne and cigarettes, and I would drink it all slowly over the course of nine months, so that in the end I might give birth to a thing, an unknown form, to keep me warm at night and give me reasons to smile in the morning, and add complexity to the taste of someone's mouth.

Masturbating out a window, funniest?

What exactly is the tier of humor we're working with here?

Is it like, what's funnier? A dog running in circles, a Miley Cyrus video, or masturbating out a window?

I don't really find masturbation all that funny, first off. Ha, get it? First off?
And windows are not inherently funny.
I think what you're missing is some set up. Who's masturbating? What kind of window are they masturbating out of? And why would you say masturbation, and not like, jacking off? Beating the weasel? Cleaning the pipes? I agree, I hate all those things. But your way sounds so medical correct. Or Catholic.

I submit for your approval: Ryan Seacrest masturbating out a moving limo window as he passes the Gucci store, remembering his childhood bedroom closet, where he sat for hours clipping ads out of his mother's magazines, vowing to escape the sprinkler wet streets of Dunwoody, to be fabulous and well clad, to smile with the intensity of 20,000 pearls farmed by 20,000 island boys in rags who dive to the bottom holding their breath for hours, like inhuman seals, creatures of life and dark shiny skin.

Ask me anything