Why Can't I be a Pundit too, huh?

The political media landscape is littered with ex-beauty queens, skinny PR crack whores, body language readers, 14 yr old preachers, stand up comedians, desperate attention seeking born-agains, and pill popping addicts.

I qualify as at least 3 of those. Maybe 4.


Preview: Why America is F--Ked

Chapter 1: You are all grossly uneducated, but that's not really your problem, because I am too. That's why you should listen to me. Overly educated people, who read books with facts, are out of touch with the American Reality, which is that You are Reality.

Chapter 2: Why You Are Fat. It is not your fault that you are fat, it is the fault of the Mega Evil Food Conspiracy. They have been basically lying to you about what's in their food, by putting it in fine print on the back of their products with a bunch of words you don't understand. No one should expect you to know those words, cause you're grossly uneducated. Also, if you were educated enough to know what dylomexodecylingen meant, you wouldn't be buying Doritos, you'd be eating the tumors of small locally farmed grass fed orphans. Rich people are trying to kill you.

Chapter 3: American Idol is awesome. Ryan Seacrest should run for president, but not Simon, cause he's mean, so he should be Secretary of Defense. Of course, even that show is going to the gutter cause they got rid of Paula, who was SO pretty and SO nice, and replaced her with a Gay. Also Ellen isn't really gay, she's just being paid to get white people to dance to R&B. Sort of like how the dorky little brother was on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But if she was Gay, she would still smack of "I'm better than you-ness". With her stupid canvas shoes and striped shirts. You know who wears striped shirts? The British Navy. The Brits are totally paying Ellen to corrupt your children. When people cry on American Idol, it proves God exists.

Chapter 4: Coffee is supposed to be thin like water and taste like fake creamer and Splenda. Anything else is unAmerican, and if you do drink fancy coffees, you obviously are a smug beret wearing dingbat who belongs in Vancouver carrying a Whole Foods bag and listening to goddamn Coldplay on your ipod. The French Press was invented by Muslims.

Chapter 5: The only person you can trust about politics is Matt Drudge. Because he doesn't pretend to discover stories on his own. You can never trust someone who says they discovered a story. It only becomes validated once someone else repeats it. For instance, a guy I worked with told me a story about how his friend wrote the entry for pierogis on Wikipedia, and it said that pierogis were created by a shoemaker in Parma. Wikipedia has since taken it down and replaced with a bullshit story about it meaning "pie" or something, and I know this is a false story because no one has bothered to tell me about it since. Nice try Wiki. Everyone knows Ukrainians only eat beets.

Chapter 6: When I was 20, I did a lot of drugs and whoring and cutting down of saguaro cactus in Arizona, which is totally illegal but I didn't care because I believed in Socialism. Socialism teaches you that everything should belong to everybody, which includes your teenage daughters hymen. Then I ended up being kidnapped and sold into forced labor in Russia where they made me press out the twistoff caps for those cheap bottles of vodka. 8 hours workdays, can you even imagine? I had to sit inside, I never got any sunshine, and I always smelled like fish because that's what Russians put in their vodka. You should always buy American Vodka, like Paramount, which is distilled from the healthy patriotic waters of Lake Erie. When I finally escaped, I went immediately to AA, where they told me they couldn't take me cause I wasn't technically an alcoholic. But I kept showing up, so eventually they had to let me speak, and I convinced everyone in the room to leave with me, and start a new Church, that doesn't discriminate against people because they aren't "technically" dying of liver disease. Cause America is an equal opportunity country, for everyone with a right to be here. Now I sell certificates online if you pass my "I Am An American" online exam, and I am rich. God Bless Arizona.

Chapter 7: Any book that is longer than 7 chapters doesn't respect you, and you don't have to take that shit. Buy a gun and build a well. I've included instructions.