Fridays Questions Know It was the Butler in the Pantry with the Wasp Poison.

Last night was wicked. The wind was blowing things out of existence, and the raccoons were running the neighborhood, and the stop signs were launching down the street like saw mill blades. It was wonderful. The Oncoming Storm of Spring.

What else is wonderful is how much coffee I have in the house. Enough coffee that even if my house were torn up from the roots by the wind, and launched through the sky into a world of witches and oompa loompas, I would still have enough to get this damn project done this weekend. It's awfully comforting, to have so much coffee in the house. I imagine this must have been what Ma and Pa Ingall felt like when they sold the harvest and got to go to town and stock up on things, like real coffee or flour not made from grass. I prefer to believe that all of us have had some point in our lives of not being able to afford coffee, and therefore understand this feeling of security when you have enough of something.



What should I plant this year?

I think you should go through every Miss Marple book, and plant an entire garden of flowers that have been used as death threats, warnings, and poison delivery devices. The English Garden of Death. Hydrangeas. Lily of the Valley. Sage. Yew. Lots of flowering ground cover for hiding bodies. Roses. Geraniums.

Or you could do an entire garden of flowers that mean bad things. Like rhododendrons mean "beware", marigolds mean "pain", mint means "suspicion" and aloe means "grief. Hydrangea mean "heartless". Think of all the awesome bouquet combinations you could give people, and no one would know.

What is the first thing you are going to do when it gets warm?

I'm taking a road trip to Harrison County OH. It's full of ditches and small hills of kudzu and warm wet green and mud and those weird little towns where everyone goes to the lottery place for entertainment. And I'm going to take lots and lots of photos, of everything. I think a project this year might be to hit up different counties for the day each weekend. I like that idea a lot. There's ten counties along the lake alone. It could keep me occupied for, well, 88 weekends at least.

I'm going to a yoga class tomorrow. What foods should I eat that will give me particularly noxious gas?

Hot wings. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Broccoli. Nunzio's pizza. Oreos.

What the hell is up with yoga recently? I mean, it's been a staple of the hipster lifestyle for years, but all of sudden its like everyone I know is going to yoga every night. Hot Yoga, Rock n Roll Yoga, Midnight Yoga, Lesbian Yoga, Beer and Yoga. It's like Yoga suddenly diversified. OR it's like yoga is actually the code word for brainwashing sessions, where humans are turned into mindless drones by insidiously thin alien overlords.

What I'm worried about is how flexible you will all be while I'm trying to kill you all during the invasion.

Weather's nice innit? How many suicides do you think it is preventing?

None of them.
Nice weather only highlights how miserable and despicable you are, deep down inside your soul. Warm weather makes people want things they don't have, and hate themselves for not having them. At least when it's cold and barren and awful, you can stay in bed and not feel guilty. But when it's beautiful outside, then you're a waste for staying in bed for 12 hours.

Which is why you should always make your friends go outside when they hang out with you. Just to be sure. The more outside a person is forced to be, the happier they will be, true story. Houses are terrible things.

The TV news has been saying that Egypt is the most culturally significant Arabic country. Uh, wouldn't that more likely be Saudia Arabia? And is Egypt really "Arabic"?

I mean, it is technically the Arab Republic of Egypt.
And they are part of the Arab League.
Saudi Arabia has more land mass, maybe, I think, but Egypt has the largest Arab population.
Also I would agree they are way more culturally significant than Saudi Arabia, because the Saudis are just sort of stuck, whereas Egypt has been unstuck. And really, in perspective, Egypt is changing all the time, cause 30 years is just a drop in history, and Egypt's had all sort of governments and occupations and stuff like that. Change of any sort, whether good or bad, leads to cultural significance. Egypt still has the active muscle to go places, whereas the Saudis are all sorts of wasting away in their cage.

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Friday's Questions: Valentines Day Edition (alternatively titled Everyone is Depressed)

Before we get into this, here is my one Valentine's Day complaint. I am perfectly happy being single right now, because I don't currently know anyone I want to go out with, so it's cool. I like Valentine's Day, I think it's sweet, and I hope you all get lots of head. But what needs to stop is the avalanche of VDay spam I've been getting. Used to be it was just Christian Singles stalking me. Now it's 20 thousand messages about "Love by the Dozens" and "Covering Your Love With Chocolate" and "Someone Winked at You!" and "Engagement Rings for Your Fiancee!" (for the fiancee we know you don't have because we also sent you ads for Christian Singles). Even worse, some of the more intrepid spammers have been sending me emails from MY EX BOYFRIEND, or at least people with his same last name, WHICH IS JUST AWFUL. Hey, while we are reminding you how single you are, let's also remind you of the worst break up you ever had, and how you failed to be good enough for someone. THANKS INTERNET.

So what I want for Valentine's Day is not chocolate, or flowers, but instead for every asshole spammer using the last name Ayers to develop a horrible pustulating rash with no known cure. Thank you.


Why don't women my age (26) like body hair as much as the older set?

Since maybe technically I AM the older set here? I think you may be mistaken about that.

I mean, there's nothing inherently wrong with body hair.

I guess.

But it sucks getting rug burn from just making out.

So maybe it's because younger girls' skin is not calloused and over-tanned like a football left out in the backyard over the winter, and therefore more sensitive?

Or maybe younger girls still bother taking care of their body hair, so they expect you to too?

You know what all girls like? Guys who don't care about their body issues.



Why bother being productive? Nothing really matters anyway.

If there's absolutely nothing you care about doing or accomplishing in your life, like if you have no desire to travel or make friends or see cool shows or work at a job that doesn't kill your soul in hourly increments, then you are absolutely right. You should just give up now. But if you are going to give up completely, then make sure you are also not posting about it to FB or twitter or on your depressing tumblr, because if you do, you're not really giving up, and then on top of being a depressing and unproductive person, you are also a hypocrite.

Things that are worth trying to be productive for:

1) A sense of well being because your house is clean and doesn't remind your friends of an episode of hoarders.
2) sex
3) money
4) a group of friends that will hide your obvious alcohol issues under a blanket of being "social"
5) fame (see #4)
6) a sense of making the world a better place (see #2)
7) having developed and interesting hobbies so you aren't forced to think about yourself and your failure as a member of society, and maybe you have something else to do on a beautiful day rather than watching Law and Order reruns and eating microwaved fish sticks.



What should I get my significant other for Valentine's Day?

A car!
No, a pony!
No, a painting!
No, a necklace!
No, a gym membership!*
No, a month's paid utilities!
No, 3 acres on the moon!
No, a hotel room and a bottle of vodka!
No, a manifesto listing all of their closest friends, and why you would never sleep with them!
No, a food processor!
No, a gift certificate to a wine shop!
No, a video of you listing all the reasons you really hope they never stop sleeping with you!
No, a trip to the sex shop to buy anything she/he wants!

(that last one is a real one that one of my friends is doing, which is a pretty good one. Or seriously, a food processor.)

*actually, you really shouldn't do this one. You shouldn't probably even bring up the gym to them ever.



Are you coming to tango on Monday?

No. I am avoiding everything having to do with couples at all on Monday. I am very happy for all of you that are couples, there are some pretty good couples out there right now, but going out on Valentine's Day if you're single means you will only be around couples or desperate bitter singles who are looking for someone to validate their not by choice lifestyle. If you want to find me, I will be at the gym, singing under my breath to Vampire Weekend and watching muted Discovery Channel shows. If I'm not there, it means there's someone I'm not telling you about.



Who do I have to fuck to get a good blow job around here?

Someone who likes giving blow jobs. Duh.



How excited are you about the February 23 premiere of American's Next Top Model?!

Oh My God SO EXCITED. Jere told me the other day I sounded like I really needed ANTM to start again, didn't I? And I immediately got super happy that it was going to! Soon! And then I will have stuff to be mean about again! Oh man, I am just going to rip into them this season. This is going to be my best season of recaps ever in the history of me writing about tv shows that nobody but me and Sarah care about anymore. I think I might even post a greatest hits collection this week, to get us all psyched up for it.

I'm sorry, did you think this blog was about something worthwhile? Sucker.


Why don't people make any sense? Why do I have such self-loathing when the problem really does seem to be everybody else? At what point should one simply give up on society and become a total hermit?

People do nothing but make sense. They are always predictable in their responses, they do the same things over and over again, they are as easy to analyze as the back of the cereal box.

It's just that you probably don't like the answers. And you think things should be different. But they are not. They are always the same. That's what you have to work with. If you can't adapt, then
that's your decision.

Being a hermit isn't very appealing though. Hermits never get laid, and they dress very badly, and they are stuck with their own putrid thoughts all the time. I think the main purpose in interacting with other people is so you don't have to think about just yourself all the time.

If that's appealing to you though, then go for it. But don't go halfway. Do it all the way. Get rid of any pets you have, for starters. They lie to you.


How is this even fucking possible?

Well it's all a series of bells and whistles, like we all access it at different points, and enter information, and then that information gets coded and stored in a server, which then makes it accessible to millions of different networks, and there is a magician who sits on top of a frozen pyramid somewhere in Antartica and he sacrifices small goats, like twenty at a time, on the Ides of every month right at the peak of the moon's ascent, and then all that information that you translated from your misfiring neurons into arbitrary words and then arbitrary pixels get beamed to someone else's screen, and then sometimes they call you and you get laid and the whole thing is FUCKING INCREDIBLE.



As a card-carrying atheist, what is the best solution to getting your point of view across to a born again Christian? Is banging one's head repeatedly against a solid flat object for many hours more productive than attempting to illustrate the fallacy?

So the "right" answer is to point out that if a Born Again was constantly trying to argue you out of being an atheist, you would want to slap them silly and freeze their assets, maybe sell them to an Ukrainian slave trader.

But my actual answer is: Live a better life than them. It's usually not hard.



I'm ok with my decay.

Oh, me too. I like your decay a lot.


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Fridays Questions Hear the Wind Howling and the Cats Fighting and All the Coffee in the Universe Brewing

So before we even get started on questions, let me share with you the very best thing on the internet this morning, from http://lab.andre-michelle.com/tonematrix
It's the online equivalent of wind chimes.

This week has been full of stuff, a group dinner in Amish country with pies and horses, necklaces from Spain, Revolution and the subsequent bar discussions that happen in other countries because of it, and finally but most importantly Babies. Little Baby is off her breathing tube, which is amazing, that a 2 pound little person can function like that on their own so quickly, and it sort of makes you realize how lame you are for ever thinking you can't do anything.

All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your loving arms
Watch out here I come



Etiquette question: what is the best way to tell my friend WITHOUT PISSING HER OFF that she is freaking out way too much about her wedding and above all, I don't care what she does. And I would like to be involved as little as possible in her crazy plans.

There is no way. You are going to piss her off. There are things that happen in people's lives, weddings and births and deaths, where really you just have to go along with what they want.

Which is why you should be careful about who you let become a close enough friend that she would involve you in her wedding. Because you are going to go through something like this with every close friend you have at some point. So if you don't really love them enough to put up with the craziness, you probably should have been keeping her at arms length the whole time.

But before you go disowning half your friends (though seriously, not a bad idea), how about taking her out for drinks, giving her a vicodin, and talking to her about it? After the vicodin kicks in. Her craziness is coming from stress and fear, not about the wedding, but about her future. Above all, when you broach the subject, keep yourself out of it. Express your concern for what she's putting herself through. That way, even if you get nowhere, you don't get labeled the unsupporting bitch. That's how all the good cons work anyway.



I defriended an ex-fling on FB and he texted me today to ask if I was "okay." I have no interest in being friends with him and am in a relationship anyway. Should I reply or ignore him? I feel bad about hurting his feelings but I don't think he gets it.

He would probably "get it" if you told him.

Why do people refuse to confront people on things like this? We all know logically it's better to make issues like this clear to someone right away, that even if it hurts their feelings, it's better that they not stay confused and you not be vague. But every time a situation occurs, even one like this where you don't want this person in your life, we agonize over our actions. We're not agonizing over their feelings, only our own. We're just being selfish and avoiding confrontation because it makes us uncomfortable. Just man up and tell the guy you don't want to be friends. He'll never contact you again, and if he does, then you can feel completely guilt free in talking shit about him to your friends. I mean, I'm with you sort of, you would have thought he would get it when you defriended him. But he may also just be worried about your feelings, and thinking he somehow hurt you. No, I know, I don't think so either. But you should try to be generous to people until they prove you wrong.


Why do eggs turn sort of greenish when you cook them in the microwave?

Do they? I would try this out, but I only have one egg left and I'm not wasting it in a microwave. Who cooks eggs in a microwave? I mean, I guess if you don't have a stove. But if you do, fucking go wash a pan and cook that properly. That's something an animal produced from it's body, give it a little respect.

Other things you should not cook in microwaves:
steaks
hot chocolate
macaroni and cheese
tuna melts

If you can't be bothered to turn on your stove, maybe you don't deserve to eat it. Speaking as someone who has descended to the very depths of microwave laziness, I know this to be true.



What are your favorite types of questions to be asked on the interwebs? How about in person?

I like to be asked things that have nothing to do with me or you, because those details will come out in the answers anyway, but instead about things that exist outside our emotional lives. Subjects that make you have to think about the rest of the world. Asking questions like that are the nicest thing you can do for another person.



What is the best way to exact revenge on a shitty landlord?

Get cats. Lots of them. Old cats.
This is a double edged sword though.
Maybe start shaving your cats in the bathtub without the drain catcher in?

Or, hey, crazy idea, you could move and stop giving him money.



Regarding Egypt and Tunisia, is democracy really worth the struggle and bloodshed of revolution? What is the point having a right to vote when the political system is inevitably hijacked by those with money/power?

I'm very young, you know. I'm only a few decades old, and when I'm even decades older, I'll still be too young to tell you the point of bloodshed. But one thing I think, one thing important to revolutions, is that its in the details. It happens instance by instance, and even though revolutions may look the same, they are individual creations, specific to their time and their country. As an outsider, someone not a citizen in that place who hasn't had to live there in that culture and experience that corner of the universe, how can we possibly understand what's worth the bloodshed or not? Sure, you can make logical arguments for it or against it. But you're not feeling it. You're never going to feel the want or the desperation or the anger or the fear, not the way those people do.

So I find it impossible to judge the people in the streets.
But I feel totally okay judging the governments, and the single men or women responsible for the rule of law.

A revolution is like a very big vote. Its a group of people discovering they don't have to act alone, that the concept of mass has value. It is, objectively speaking, a work of art every time. And democracy, in every one of its flawed and inevitably corrupted incarnations, is at least keeping some small part of that spirit alive. So I find that beautiful, even when I read election results and feel useless and despairing.

The root of the issue is not single people in power, it's that when you come right down to it, people are not very nice and they are selfish, and if you have ideals of any sort, you are going to find them thwarted when you try to make the masses understand them.

So really, the only one to get your ideal society is fascism. Of course, the society I would design would be perfect. For me. And your society would be perfect. For you.

I don't know, perhaps the point is to not look too big, to look at small things one by one, and not lose hope in small things that you want, and that's the real way things get accomplished, by not allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed by the reality of the macrocosm. Work for what it is you want here and now and only in this moment, because this is the moment you own. The world exists sure, and some singular miraculous individuals get lucky enough to affect it on a large level, but every single one of them started out working for their own moment, in their small life and small place. Which is sort of like voting too. Voting is just choosing. It doesn't need to be confined to an election.

And after all, in the end, at least we aren't serfs any more. And much as it may sound witty to talk about how presidents are just other names for monarchs, that really isn't the case. So that's important. As long as the people in power can't stay there forever, things will change in some way. Having term limits is the most important contribution of democracy. The revolution in Egypt is because of lack of change, and not the way we complain about with no change in intentions, but actual frozen government and frozen power. Imagine if Bush had been president for 30 years. You know, your entire lifetime? I think I'll talk more about it tomorrow.

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Friday's Questions are Back from Their Vacation to Artsy Land

I don't think smoking's that bad. Do you?

Here are ways in which smoking is bad : your mouth tastes awful in the morning, and while drinking, and pretty much all the time to someone who's a non-smoker. You feel reliant upon something other than water and food. You hoard together your last quarters before payday to get that last pack you know you're going to need. You kill your pets with secondhand smoke. The inside of your car window gets this dirty nasty fog on it that makes it hard to drive at night. No matter how fancy you are dressed, you show up with ash on you somewhere. You will probably die. When you get sick, you get really really awful sick.

Here are ways in which smoking is good: It helps you meet people at work, talk to people outside the party, gives you an excuse to stay up just a little bit longer with him outside alone to see if he's going to make out with you. When you have no food in the house, you can get by. When you are despairing, it gives you one complete little action to perform. When you are outside in the snow, the smoke mingles with your frozen breath and helps you pretend it is not really that cold.


Why a dog? Why pets at all?

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about what kind of actions a person prefers as a sign of approval. Meaning, are you the kind of girl who wants compliments, or action, or gifts? What makes you feel most loved from your friends? And he, not being a girl at all, stated that he feels best when his friends have made it clear he is useful and steady and reliable, when his opinion matters.

So that's sort of the thing with pets, right? That they are these tiny creatures, moving and thinking on their own, that rely upon you and give you approbation all the time. You are the supporter. Only, unlike children, they never really move past that stage, and they are most of the time not expensive and easy to maintain.

But the blatant reality is that they are furry and pretty and are basically animated toy dollies.

And dogs are toy dollies you can take places, and run around with, and they will guard you and worry about you and then want to be with you when you wake up and keep your feet warm.

Sometimes that is a giant pain in the ass. But sometimes it's an unmitigated joy. Because even those of us who really just need someone to take care of them can tie ourselves back down to the world by having to take care of something else. And it's love, even unintelligent love is love. Even slave love. Even hostage love.

In the end, all animals feel this way about you: Which is proper and right.




Honestly who do you care more about when you see shows like Hoarders, the people or the animals?

I don't watch that show, or Intervention, or Biggest Loser, or any of those shows about people being rescued from despair. Because I don't care at all. I don't have some masochistic need to compare my own life to them and feel guilty. I don't have a superiority complex that needs stroking to stay alive. And I don't like to see disgusting things just for the sake of the gross-out, which is the same reason I don't watch gore movies. The images we put inside our brains stay with us, they don't go away, they stay in there buried, and I've got quite enough desperate visuals tucked away in there for a lifetime, plus all the room I'll need for poverty and starvation and tsunamis and war in the future, I can't fill it with this kind of clutter. Why do I need more things to feel bad for? Haven't I got half the people in the world for that already? Haven't I got the images right in my own city? Shouldn't I, if I really want to communicate with the pain, just go out there in my neighborhood and find it for real?

One can't just go around feeling awful for everything all the time. You have to focus on the things you want to help, which is practically an arbitrary choice, with all the buffet of pain around us. A TV show isn't going to make it into my parade. Focus people, focus. Don't just go giving out your tears like candy.


Which would be worse, having to wear a bump it or only being able to watch semi homemade with Sandra lee for a year?

Considering I actually own a bumpit, which I can't use because my hair is too fine and thin, but if I could I probably would wear, I think I'm going to have to choose Sandra Lee. Jesus. How much canned frosting can one person consume before their body finally starts rejecting it, and trying to throw their liver overboard through their belly button?

I'm so resentful she's in politics now.


If someone offered you free Ed hardy and four loco for a year not only for free but with a generous stipend for advertising their product, would you accept for the money and product or keep your dignity?

Um, money. Always the money. I'm not a hard sell on the 4 Loko, because I think people who can't handle caffeine with their alcohol are pussies. It's my preferred way to drink, and I wish the caffeine didn't always have to come in juice that tastes like ground up sweet tarts, but the point is, I would drink that. I would write a whole book about drinking that, and it would probably be a big seller, because it would be a descent into madness. It would go to use. The Ed Hardy gear would be less wanted, but I could always give it to a homeless shelter at the end of the year, which really, is way better advertising, to give all your ugly awful clothes to people who really need them because hey, clothes are clothes.

Dignity is overrated. Most people don't give a shit what you do to make money.


What are your feelings on hedgehogs? Can they be trusted?

The thing with hedgehogs is that they are stubborn egotistical little boys, who build up a wall of defensiveness because the other boys won't play with them because they are prickly. And so they curl themselves round in a spiky little ball when trouble starts to come, instead of running, which girls understand. And therefore they are vulnerable to badgers and other larger creatures in the know. And we want to tell ourselves they are sweet inside, little adorable woodland creatures, but honestly, why can't you just accept your hedgehogness and move on with it, Pig Snout? Why do we have to keep finding a way to make you uncurl?

Hedgehogs may live longer, but they are not a lot of fun to be around. I guess I would trust them as far as I could throw them, which is probably pretty far if I wore gloves.


Is there a polite way to tell a friend that while technically talented their art still sucks?

No. You should not be friends with people whose art you think sucks. If I meet an artist or a musician or a writer, I make damn sure I find their stuff palatable before I go getting all intimate and chummy, because the whole point of having me as a friend is getting intelligent criticism when you ask for it, and if you're going to be all shitty when I tell you my honest opinion then why are you hanging out with me in the first place. It's a terrible position to be in, and you should probably just never talk to them again. Unless you are trying to sleep with them, in which case accept the fact you have bad taste and lie your ass off.

How do you dream up these questions?

Oh, but I don't. I beg for them.
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Saturdays Questions Love The Holiday tradition of wearing the Pileus and Not Punishing the Slaves

How long have I been in the game making rap tunes?

Ever since honeys was wearing sassoons.
Now it's '95 and they clock me and watch me
Diamonds shining, looking like I robbed Liberace
It's all good, from Diego to the Bay
Your city is the bomb if your city making pay
Throw up a finger if you feel the same way


What kind of wine will these strangers I'm visiting tonight enjoy?

So we all know there's a learning curve for wine, right? There's the beginning, where you start off drinking Boone's Farm at community theater cast parties, then you and your gay friend move on to Sutter Home on Wednesday mornings when you're both unemployed. A boyfriend buys you Riesling, and then you're into sweet whites for a year or so, until one day you can't take the cloyingness, so you get a sweet red in a box for that weekend you and the boy don't leave his apartment at all. But then you're at the wine bar with your friend and he orders a Shiraz and you don't want to look like a peasant, and even though it turns your tongue into that of a well bred chow dog, you suddenly think Shiraz is awesome. When you get bored of Shirazs you move to Malbecs. From Malbecs it's a short nonexistent step to drinking whatever red wine shows up at the party. Projected timeline? Five years? To achieve minimum appreciation.

The point is, as long as it's not Boone's Farm, I think you're okay. Spend at least 15. Save the stuff you make in your basement for the next 19 yr old to show up at your house.



Would you if possible have sex in the belly of your giant drunk rhino friend? would it alter your answer if he had organs made of paper-mâché?

I'm trying to think of guys I know who look like rhinos and I can think of two. I don't particularly relish the idea of having sex anywhere in the same vicinity as either of them. Not because they look rhinos, but because they are assholes. Especially not sex inside their squishy bloody cut open abdomen, though I assume it would be warm. Warm is always good.

So I'm just going to forget that line of thought, and assume in this scenario I actually have a rhino for a friend, and for whatever reason, I've gotten it drunk. What would a rhino drink? I'm thinking chocolate martinis. I think rhinos would just go nuts for chocolate. My rhino would.

So then there's this issue of having sex in the belly of the beast. I don't want to kill my rhino. I love my rhino. His name is Maurice and he's a gangster of love. So I'd have to shrink me and my partner down first, all Rick Moranis style, and hide ourselves in Maurice's martini with tiny scuba diver gear, so we don't drown/and/or die of alcohol poisoning. I imagine it would be like having sex in a warm sensory deprivation tank, which is pretty much the ideal place to have sex period, right? Yes. It is. Don't argue.

All I want for next Christmas is a paper mache rhinoceros.



Why are my expectations so terribly unrealistic? Particularly in regards to time and my ability to complete tasks within allotted amounts of time.

Your problem is that the blood that runs in your veins is not from this dimension. You are a rock orphan, separated from the quartz and granite that gave you life. Time constructs that make sense to short lived fly people like them, don't make sense to you and me, it would be like a moon trying to understand the life cycle of an ant. Our cells pulse at the slowest universal beat.

Stop trying to be something you're not. Throw away the pitiful short lived promises of this culture, and embrace your glacial abilities. When they are all dead in the grave, we'll have only aged a minute in our crystal carved brains, promise.

I know, it's difficult. We all think we can drive from the West Side to the East Side in fifteen minutes.


If you had been in charge of designing a festive annual holiday for an up and coming largest religion in the world, what would happen on it?

Well let's see.
First, everyone would buy presents only for their immediate family and friends, of only things they needed, like tires or heating bills.
They would make large batches of candy for everyone else.
There would be a large exaggerated rodent as a mascot, like a guinea pig or a capybara. The capybara would represent survival of the species, and we would all spend the first morning congratulating everyone we know on still being alive.
Really devoted folk would make a pilgrimage to the LHC to surround it with flowers and milk. Lots of people would go to several smaller radio telescopes to celebrate. There would be parades in every city, highlighting their technological advancements for the year. There would be huge light shows in every city.
Then for dinner we would all get drunk and eat astronaut ice cream and algae dumplings.
There would be one exact moment during the day when everyone signed on to a random video chat and said Happy Survival Day to another random family somewhere in the world.


Why do guys like it when you're fake pregnant?

For those of you who didn't read the comments from the last questions post, we are NOT referring to actual fake pregnancies, which guys emphatically do not like, and most girls look down upon too.

We are actually talking about knitting. Catch up.

Look, I'm not saying every guy wants his girlfriend to be pregnant. But you know, they like a little nesting. A little making of stuff. A little domesticity. Most guys are pretty domestic themselves. Everybody wants warmth and food and pretty stuff around them. It's comforting and it's evidence of status quo being maintained. Girls want guys to pretend they're fake pregnant too, and do things like fix faucets and put together furniture. Fake pregnant is just another way of saying looking settled and staid and warm, which knitting is like, the epitome of. Look honey, I'm not going to the bar with my friends, I'm staying home with you and making something soft and warm. Because if the world ended tomorrow, and we were all stuck down in the salt mines while the mutant deer ravaged the cityscape, I'd be able to knit you a sweater out of my hair. Call me sexist, that's fine. But if I get stranded underneath a giant lake while radioactive zombies chew on my loved ones, I'd like a guy with me who knows a little about how to jumpstart a car.

I guess, what I'm saying, is fake pregnant is another way of saying "somewhat competent at being alive, maybe enough to support another life form".

People really underestimate the value of warmth, not emotional but actual physical warmth, when it comes to the interactions between guys and girls. Are divorce rates higher in naturally warmer places? I bet they are. I mean, in the places where you're allowed to get divorced. I bet there's a correlation between the rate of divorce and the rate of murder in a country.

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Friday's Questions are Full of Grace and Eggnog

It still counts as Friday even if I haven't gone to sleep yet.


I have the chance to spend Christmas with my new boyfriend's family, whom I've never met. Do you think this is a good idea or not? I'm afraid it will be awkward.

Such a good idea. If you don't get along with the family, and he's close to his, it's not worth it. I know some of you say your families are awful and you hate them and try to separate yourself as much as possible. But except in some extreme cases, if he enjoys his family, then chances are his family is just like him. He is the distilled version of them, and when around them, is his purest most selfish most flawed self.

I know this is true about my family. If you don't like my family, then you don't really like me. If you can't carry on conversation with my family, you and I won't be able to hang, not long term. I learned this the hard way, and now I vow to never bring home someone who I don't think can do it, because it disrupts our valuable family flow. Every person in my family represents some important part of me. Nick is my geekiness, and desire to please. Carrie is my emotional instability and charm. Dad is my desire for action and meaning in a concrete way. Mom is my need for a home and history. I'm a compendium of all of their traits. I shudder to think what trait of theirs I can claim ownership for, but whatever. We are this thing that has been created.

The point is, you are afraid you will fail, and you should be, because if you do, you probably should break up.


What should I get my boyfriend for Christmas?

A xylophone. I don't think he has one. If he does, knit him a xylophone cozy. Guys like it when you knit, because it's like you're fake pregnant.



If you had a Top 5 checklist of imperative requirements for your next boyfriend, what would they be? Like, if he doesn't have these qualities then it's a deal-breaker.

So when I met Andrew for the first time, within five minutes he had broken out his amazing notebook, and was recounting to me his list. Then I got sort of obsessed with the idea, and asked my other friends for their lists. They were all SO specific, detailed and well thought out, and pre-question-posed-created. I had some idea I would write a post about it, but that never happened. I did try to make a list myself, it seemed like an adult and responsible thing to do, especially at my stage of life, with the whole single thing freshly minted. But it's hard and feels ultra judgey. So here's a try. I think these are probably deal breakers, but once upon a time I thought a home improvement salesman who hunted was a dealbreaker, and how wrong was I about that?

1) Reads. Not just websites. Actual books. Good books. I would prefer a writer, but I'll settle for reader.

2) Good with money. Not rich. Not "take care of me with your money". But financially more talented than me. Life partner wise, I would very much like to be able to just give my other my paycheck and have them figure it out, because god knows I am absolutely simply the worst person with money ever. I'm good at lots of other things, it's true. I think enough other things that it's a decent trade off. It's just important to find someone who will balance out your flaws, and this is a big one for me. It's also an easy one, cause trust me, your dog is better with money than me. I had to borrow 20 bucks off your dog just the other day. Now granted, I won't be handing you my paycheck after a few dates. But this is one area I think it's okay to think long term with. I am old after all.

3) Socially talented. I don't demand this from my friends, but it's at least 1/4 of anyones sex appeal for me. Polite. Inclusive. Charming. Able to fit in with any group, by the sheer skill of being interested in people he doesn't know. Which leads nicely into...

4) Curious. About everything. Even things I wish he wasn't. Willing to think things through, to figure them out not because he has to, but because he wants to.

5) Adventurous and Brave. Not just "hey let's go climb this mountain" but also "hey, let's go try this hole in the wall Creationism museum we just passed" or "hey, let's go to this lecture about gravity." Hey let's go walk around downtown for the entire day with this flask and see what happens. Hey, let's go to this other city we've never been in with no plans. Hey, let's just drive southwest for two days.Hey, let's try this concert for a band we've never heard of, and then maybe go to Chicago with the band, and then go to the aquarium and make fun of the sea creatures loudly. Hey yes, of course we can stop at this abandoned gas station and crawl around in it, just because.

rock, paper, or scissors?

I wish I could say paper, but it's almost always rock, though I hate the shape of my hand in a fist. It's babyish and revolting, too small to be taken seriously for any smashing.

Is it just me or would you rather root for the Queen of Hearts or Alice?

The Queen of Hearts, in the book anyway, has no redeeming qualities except power. Alice of course has no power, its her charm, her utter powerlessness in the face of lunacy and her ability to just coast along with it. I always wanted to root for the White Queen, poor daft thing, with the slipping and the pinning and the falling. But that's a different game and different book. If you root for the Queen of Hearts, you are rooting for the continued attempt to control the lunacy and dictate it's parameters. I think that's a lost cause. Alice's most despicable flaw is her lack of note taking. You shouldn't try to control the world, but you should at least document it.



No consequences: What is the most evil thing you would do?

First of all, there's a lot more stopping me from being evil than just consequences.
One of my friends remarked at a party recently, partially remarked, partially asked, if there was anything I hadn't done that I wouldn't try. The first thing I thought of was a certain sexual position I have little to no curiosity in, so I made some glib vague reference about inappropriate company, and left it at that. But driving home it occurred to me, I probably should have said murder. I mean, c'mon, murder? What kind of person am I if that's not the first obvious thing I think of? Also, you know, rape, espionage, theft from very poor people, various chemical environmental disasters, slavery. There's a lot of things I don't need to try. And a lot of very bad things I have tried anyway. But I guess the answer is I don't need to try something that I know is going to hurt other people.

The answer to your question is...I don't know? Evil isn't very well defined you know. But I don't think I could do something that would physically harm someone. I mean, I've thrown things at people, and hit people, but I wouldn't run someone over with a car, or stab them. I wouldn't help a married person cheat, and I wouldn't cheat on someone I was with. I wouldn't kill an endangered animal (really any animal except to put it out of its misery, which yes I know huge hypocrite so says us all). I've lied. So there's that. I've not shown up places I should have. I've talked about people behind their back. All the little evils we do to maintain a reality we like.

Probably the most evil thing I've ever done is a continuing act of not doing something to make the world a better place. Despite the consequences.


What are you procrastinating about right now?

Oh, going to bed. I hate going to bed after having a wonderful night. My bed is also super warm, it's been amped up to maximum wintery defense, with multiple blankets and pillows. I am loathe to get into the bed, because getting in admits the fact that in a few short hours I will have to get out again, and I hate getting out of bed so much more than I hate anything that comes after it. So yes, I don't want to go to bed. I am procrastinating the beginning of tomorrow.

I am also putting off everything else. Just ad lib here. Put in anything you want. Chances are I'm waiting for it to just disappear so I don't have to worry about it anymore. That does work, despite what people tell you. Everything dies eventually.

Now that you own the tiara, what is the next amazing thing you are going to buy for yourself?

A trip to Hoboken. Also a camera that weighs more than my wallet. Just kidding, like I carry a wallet. A passport, finally. No longer will the long steel tentacles of the law keep me from my future Canadian husband. Or Icelandic lover. Or Argentinian bookkeeper. Or Turkish prison guard.

Though it should be said, I don't "own" the tiara. The tiara belongs to all of us. It is a community tiara, and looks better when I put it on other people. It is the physical realization of your inner dirty laundry dirty dishes too many cats not enough biking princess. Feel free always to demand the tiara from me.


Ask Me Anything. Please Stop Asking Me About Relationships.

Friday's Questions Are Simply Thrilled to Be Back at Their Regularly Scheduled Time

Raphael. Portrait of Pope Leo X with Cardinals Giulio de' Medici and Luigi de' Rossi. He will totally rape your face off.

Benedict or Florentine (which one of them is lying)?

I had no idea there was a Medici challenging Cardinal Ratzinger. I mean, always put your money on the Medici, because even if they are not right, they will poison you. In a really painful way. Then they will clone your DNA in order to integrate your biological advantages into their own bloodline.


I'm snowed in, kinda of literally and kind of just because I've decided that I don't particularly like leaving the house this winter. Any suggestions for things to do other than stare at a computer screen?

There is always staring at other screens. Or you could stare at a mirror for a few hours. You could become an amateur chemist and analyze exactly how polluted the snow outside is, and if it's safe, you could make snow ice cream like they did in Little House in the Prairie. While you're at it, you could pretend that somewhere out in the blizzard, your cattle's breath was freezing to their snouts and suffocating them, since that was the most horrific part of those books and there were a lot of horrific parts to choose from. You could become ambidextrous through lots and lots of practice I don't want to know about. You could throw everything in your house out, so when Spring comes and you can leave again, you can redecorate. And in the meantime you could tell people you were becoming Spartan. That's always kind of hot. It makes girls want to buy you things. And if you're a girl, your boyfriends will be impressed by your lack of nesting. You could always learn to cook, but unfortunately that also means going to the grocery store, which is not only leaving the house but leaving the house to go to one of the most annoying places on the planet. Oooh, you could get a live mouse and let it loose in the house so your cats could chase it. That's very heart of darkness.


What do you think it is?

I think it's bright, and shiny, and way too expensive to be for me. If I had to guess, I'd say planet.


How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Also, what is chucking?

Chucking is vomiting, everyone knows that. What you're really asking is, if I trapped a woodchuck, strapped it down with some sort of restraint keeping its mouth open, and forced as much wood down the poor things throat as possible, at what point would it start to vomit woodchips and blood all over me as it died in horrible agony?

I happen to think woodchucks are cute, and you should never do this to them. But theoretically, I'm betting not much. A chair leg, maybe? They're small. The only logical way to answer this question would be to get a dead woodchuck stomach and measure it. Just grab the next one you see on the highway and we'll get started on this.


If [you were] a transformer what would you transform into. Would you be an Autobot or a Decepticon?

Neither. I am obviously Unicron.



Why would Wheeljack originally build the Dinobots w/ such little intelligence? sure they were suppose to represent Dinosaurs but giving them only enough to form rudimentary logic and possess broken language just seems like a poor choice.

If you are going to manufacture slaves and cannon fodder, you can't give them intelligence silly. They need to be dumb, or you won't feel probably superior to them, and you might feel bad a little when they get killed. It's not like Wheeljack was trying to create peers. They're not socialists for gods sakes. Except maybe they kind of are? It's all very group think, and they were originally the worker class. But I think the creation of the Dinobots shows them moving from socialist roots to a more imperialist and military mindset. Right? And then the cannon fodder/soldier Grimlock takes over and it's like "see, this is what abandoning the ideals of peaceable equality and community get you." This concludes the extent of what Bridget remembers about transformers, except that she really really loved the Constructicons, and she thought Beast Wars was underrated.


Who put the ram.. in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

I hate self referential rock songs that talk about how great rock n roll is. Old Time Rock and Roll, for one. That's like the worst song ever. This song isn't so bad, because it's like the beginning of that crap, like Fugazi is the beginning of Emo and therefore not it's strongest distilled form. But any excuse to post a Muppet video.



Ask Me Anything

Saturday's Questions have way too many cookies to bake before 5pm today

The best kind of toast is probably rye with some tomato and swiss cheese, but everyone I know cares a lot about basketball today, so I wanted to ask - what's the most irresponsible kind of underwear?

The best kind of toast is lightly toasted Italian with real butter. But rye is a close second, so I'll let that slide.

The most irresponsible kind of underwear is the nonexistent kind you wear when you've forgotten to do laundry. Or thongs. I don't even think that qualifies as underwear.


Are Akron and Cleveland really different cities?

No. Yes. I guess so. I like Cleveland more, but it's bigger and has a lake. I think Akron suffers from not having a large body of water near it. Also from having way too many one way streets. Akron is just smaller, you know. There's less stuff going on there, and a lot of it is related to the university, which is fine, but I'm not interested in hanging out with college kids so much. It's much more an Ohio town, and Cleveland is a Lake town. People from Akron are more Ohioans than Clevelanders. They are closer to the unlit highways with dead deer littered everywhere, to cheese barns and closing car factories, to the snow belt and the tornado warnings and the long stretches of rural road with ditches. Akron is sort of the border, where you really leave the urban grit for the unemployed farmland grit.

Akron also smells like burnt rubber, whereas Cleveland smells like burnt metal and rock water, and I prefer the rusty taste.


What is a product I can purchase for little and sell for a lot?

Love.


What's the best way to tell a girl I love her when I don't actually speak her language all that well?

First, you should learn to speak her language better. That's always a good step. But if you're like me, and terrible at learning languages, then I recommend writing her stories. The good love letters I've saved are the ones that went on for pages with stories maybe having nothing to do with me, but I still have them because they were written for me, to impress me.

And if you're not a writer, then send her photos you take, or sketches you draw. Produce things for her. Girls like things to be made for them.


What's the best way to end my story about walking a dog?

All stories about walking dogs should end with a home break in, or the dog getting dried fish. They should never end with the dog dying. Preferably there should be a boat involved. Dogs and boats are the best combination ever.

Do you think that your online and real life personalities differ?

So when I was a little girl, I used to volunteer to read in public all the time. At church I was a lector. At school, I was always trying to get picked for speeches and presentations. I fully thought of myself as a loud, slightly obnoxious child. Later in life, my friends from grade school told me that I was always really quiet. Even now, I think I talk really loud, and turns out, no one can ever hear me.

My point is that I am not self aware at all, and therefore not qualified to answer this question. I don't think there's much difference at all between me in real life and me online. After all, how much of yourself can you really hide when you've got a blog, and Twitter, and Facebook? I don't mention a lot of the more naughtier things I do, because usually the least interesting things about a person are who they are sleeping with, and how fucked up they are at the time. Maybe sometimes people think I will be snarkier in person, but I try to be fair and nice to everyone who is not a reality show star or a politician. I can devastatingly cruel if someone wrongs me, but that's only applied to 2 people ever in my adult life. So except for certain breakup meltdowns, I'm usually pretty even keeled. If you don't cheat on me with a 19 year old, I probably won't ever be angry at you. My friends are pretty drama free. When I think about it, while I was with the Ex, I was the biggest source of drama in our circles, because of all the fighting and trauma and him making me sad all the time. Poor Bridget's friends. Now I'm a pretty happy person, and I want other people to be happy, and I want my interesting friends to meet all my other interesting friends and have fun.

Unless you've met me in real life, you probably don't understand what a 12 year old girl I am actually. But then I wonder if my real life friends get that either. Really, I should be asking them this question.

Ask Me Anything

Saturday Questions are So Pissed Off They Didn't Fill the Ice Tray Last Night

Seriously, have you ever tried to be hungover without ice water?

Before we get into this week's questions, I just want to thank all my friends who came out last night to Pechakucha, especially Colleen who helped me practice beforehand, and get drunk, and listened to my terrified high pitch keening. I'll post the presentation here at some point, for those who had other more important things to do, like be a really awesome singer, or dance with pretty girls in Spain, or homework. I had a lot of people come talk to me afterwards, and it was really nice to meet all you new people, but please forgive me if I don't remember your names next time I see you. I'm the worst with names. Also, if I was talking to you last night and then got distracted by another person, I apologize. I'm terrible at doing the whole moving from person to person thing. I'm much more courteous one on one. Let's hang out sometime and I'll prove it to you. Amy's friend, I'm specifically thinking of you, cause I was sort of in shock when you came up, and I wasn't my typical glowing attentive self. Frankly, I found it hard to pay attention to anything for at least two drinks after it was all done.

The best stranger last night was the guy who came up to me and was like "aren't you the girl who hit my car last year?" and it was me! That was the best.

Alright, onto the questions.

What's the deal with guyliner? And why does anyone care enough to make a "deal" necessary? Is guyliner a deal breaker?

I'm trying to think if I know any guys who use guyliner, and no one is immediately springing to mind, though there were quite a few who used to at certain points in their illustrious goth youths. Are there people who are not goth that wear it? I wonder if there is a whole secret group of guys who are using it, but you know, sparingly and tastefully, so nobody knows? If so, I totally respect that. I won't walk out of the house without mascara usually, I get the addiction of something that makes you look better.

I think the "deal breaker" is probably all that wearing guyliner implies. Which is a self consciousness about appearance that most girls don't like to be reminded exists. Of course, guys are just as self conscious as girls, but they are not supposed to look like they are, it's just supposed to "happen". Guyliner falls in the same category for me as too much product in your hair, or overly ornate eyebrows. I personally don't like it, because I like kind of scruffy looking guys, but I can't fault it. Guys should have just as much room to play around with their faces as girls get.

I would totally support any guy I knew who wanted to wear clear mascara, cause eyelashes are awesome.

Cake or Pie?

Pie all the way. Pie is so much better than cake. Cake is just bread with sugar in it. Pie is an architectural design.

If tiaras are so great, how come Prince wrote a song about berets and not tiaras?

Because Prince is a Jehovah's Witness who knocks on people's doors trying to convert them. Nobody in a tiara would stoop to knocking on a stranger's door. Also, let me point out his poor color choice in berets.

With the world in the state its in, with the gap between rich and poor growing greater every year, with so much wealth being held by so few people and anyone who see this disparity being tagged as a socialist, who is your favorite composer and why?

I love Beethoven from childhood, from years of banging out Fur Elise on our living room piano. I love Philip Glass, and I don't care what you think that says about me, because the Koyaanisqatsi movies are fantastic. Stravinsky, because the dinosaurs Rite of Spring in Fantasia blew my little child mind. Tchaikovsky because of Sleeping Beauty. Prokofiev because of Peter and the Wolf. I am a simply story minded girl.

I keep thinking about Elvis, how come we don't make guys like that anymore in our country?

You mean with the digestive capabilities of a humpback whale? I was specifically instructed by the asker of this question to not say anything bad about Elvis so lets all take that last sentence as a compliment. I mean, I don't really know what bad things I would say. Guy didn't do anything I wouldn't forgive any other person I know, unless there's something really terrible I'm unaware of, cause frankly, I'm not super up on my Elvis biographical trivia. But I would propose that in fact, they make guys like Elvis all the time. It's just that not all of them have musical talent. But hot guys with too much swagger, lots of ambition, and a penchant for crying in their beers which they tend to drink too much of? Those are all over. I personally know at least three. In Cleveland. I imagine that ratio wise, that means the entire population of Chicago is like that too.

I like this picture cause it looks like everyone is on a tipping cruise boat. Also, that's a lot of people. Jesus, that's a lot of people.

I think getting married is bad form, but I want your opinion - it's wrong for people to get married right?

Bad Form! Oh how I love the phrase bad form! I love the idea that there is a Form to fail at in the first place. It's so honest. Instead of pussyfooting around expectations, they just come right out and say "you, sir, are not the right SHAPE, your actions are not fitting our MOLD, SHAPE UP or you are a BAD FORM." Remember those little color tiles we used to play with in preschool, that fit together in designs? Colorforms, wasn't that what they were called?

Anyway, so marriage right? I don't see the point of getting married. I get that other people see the point, there's some validation they are getting from the commitment, it means something to them. It doesn't mean anything to me though. I don't see the difference between being committed to a girlfriend or boyfriend, living with them and sharing a life, versus getting married. The emotional commitment is the same, the intent is generally the same. Some friends and I were recently having this conversation over dinner, and someone pointed out the difference was marriage was commitment under God, which is sort of like, "oh, that's true, and that's always why I probably don't care about it at all". If you believe in God, maybe you care about marriage? All I know is that if I'm with someone for years and years, and I live with them, and share finances, and plan things together, then I emotionally expect the same thing of them, whether or not we spent 20,000 on a big party once.

Except, there is always the tax thing. And the insurance thing, and the hospital visitation thing. Society really wants you to stop sleeping around and just couple up already. I get sort of pissed at that you know. It's discrimination against people who don't believe in the need for religious ceremony. I personally feel that instead of just trying to get marriage rights for gays (which is infuriating, that not only do we have this antiquated system of partnership, but then also no gay marriage? It's just medieval, I don't understand how it exists, it baffles me, that we can be so backwards for an institution that exists for exclusivity), we should instead be trying to fix the system so that marriage is not a thing that matters in government at all. Marriage is a religious thing, and last I checked, there wasn't supposed to be religion mixing into my state.

But if other people around me want to get married, just like they want to go to church, or ride bikes everywhere, or listen to Trip Hop all the time, it's their choice. And just like a bat mitzvah or a first communion, it should have no legal or financial ramifications at all. Because it's my choice too, and I shouldn't be penalized for not wanting it.

Say an evil (necromanced) killer trash talking turkey has stalked and killed your friends before you were finally able to kill it. Why would eat its burning carcass? Wouldn't the chance of him possessing you be high? Why would she eat him?

I need to clarify something here, is the turkey on fire? Is that how I killed it? Because then it would be burned and not very edible anyway.

I don't think I would eat anything that had eaten my friends, because I know what my friends put into their bodies on a weekly basis, and I'm guessing it probably doesn't lend itself to corn fed flavor.

Why does anyone put anything in their mouths, really?

Ask Me Anything

Saturday's Questions Have the Fever

What's your fave drink to tie one on with and why?

I am not a horse. I do not "tie" one on. Instead, I delicately hold the champagne glass between my grubby little fingers, and swill it down like an over aged flapper old maid. Or I sip a pineapple and vodka, which is the drink I can keep drinking, as in I can have four or five of them without feeling quivery and unstable inside, but rather more solidly and steadily drunk. Like a paragon of drunk girl, instead of a parody, which is how drinking jello shots makes me feel.

Do jello shots count as drinking?


Now that we know Tyra is a fashion vampire, in league with other fashion vampires, which is how she got such amazing guests judges etc for this season of Top Model, how will she possibly top herself next season? 'Cause there's gonna be a next season.

I mean, the only real way to top this Vogue Italia vampire cabal is for Tyra to start her very own fashion week, in like, Warsaw, and somehow convince all the fashion players to stay in Poland for six months while she picks underemployed boys and girls from the countryside to perform Ninja Warrior style obstacle courses to qualify to work as servers in the tents.

But probably it will just be all plus size models next season. Or all refugee sex slaves. Or both. Plus sized sex slave refugees seems like a cause Tyra could get behind.

There will always be a next season. This show is forever, like black holes and twinkies.


Do people still "write novels" as a hopeful project anymore? I mean, it used to be, when you were useless and over-educated, you pretended to be writing a novel. But do people do that anymore? How many disaffected middle-class shits have a screenplay?

First of all, a novel and a screenplay are completely different creatures. One is commercially viable, for instance, and the other is completely arcane.

But yes, some of us are still pretending to write novels. I know at least three of us. I like all of my friends to have at least something they are pretending to do, because if you can't even work up the hope of something meaningful you can do outside of work, then you're probably pretty boring to have a drink with. Unless your job is incredibly interesting. And even that is going to run out of talking points in a few years.

Also, those of us writing on a regular basis, even if its crap, will not get Alzheimer's. I have nothing to back that up except a rudimentary understanding that when they say drinking or smoking weed staves off dementia, what they are really saying is that the more active your brain stays, the more socially interested you are, the longer you can keep the mechanism working. I also apply this general theory of "it makes sense" to the idea that cancer is a product of the toxins and poisons and chemicals we ingest everyday while breathing eating or drinking.

Oh the painful burden of the bourgeoisie, to have to be interesting to get laid.


Why is self-righteousness such a popular hobby for Americans?

I think it's because we are so good at not seeing poor people. And if we're poor, we're really good at being defensive about it. Because it's really American to be out to improve our own lot. That's the American Dream - achievement as an individual, not as a society. So, since we are supposed to be our own heroes, of course we're infected with moral superiority. Our entire culture is based on being underdogs who achieve against all odds and all naysayers. How are you supposed to be right all the time, and not be self-righteous?


If KITT made a mistake that lead to Michael Knight's death which spiraled him into depression--which lead to him forming an EMO band what would he call said band?

My Transmission Failure

If you had to be a housewife from the real housewives franchise, who would you be?

I can't watch any of those shows. I can't get into watching people who are rich only by proxy doing horrible things to their children. So I don't know who any of them are. But if I have to pick, I pick whichever one is the richest. Even if it's one of those Jersey girls. But I'm sort hoping it's an Atlanta one.

Yeah, that's right. I can still be a tv snob and worship Tyra. THEY ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE.

Are reebok easytones for real?

No. But you know what helps tone leg muscles? Walking and sex. So if buying those shoes helps you accomplish either of those activities, then do it.


If the mayor of Cleveland banned you forever, where would you go?

First of all, I feel like the mayor banning me from Cleveland is the equivalent of Blair banning Jenny from Manhattan, in other words completely ridiculous. 95% of the people in Cleveland aren't even aware of my existence, so I feel pretty confident I could just hang out and ignore any executive orders. Most of this city's population is lost as it is.

But lets assume we're in some alternate reality, where all major cities in the US participate in fake war games in order to keep the defense industry relevant, and cities that lose against other are quarantined for 10 years as if they were all dead. And let's assume Chicago was triumphant over Cleveland, and I was somehow responsible for helping that, and I was banished as a traitor. I would drive to Kentucky, and take up residence on an abandoned farm, where I would grow algae for food, and build a water mill for power. It would be like my own little commune. Only it would probably just be me and Elly and her extended family. I would marry her brother, and come up with some nonsense name for our community, like the New Sun Rising. And then, when we started to starve, or our children started getting rebellious, I would come back to Cleveland, knock on the barrier wall, and demand one on one combat with Dan Gilbert in order to win back my citizenship.

I expect I could rally at least ten gunhands behind my cause, just from this readership. Right? You are all crack shots, I assume.


How can I work more sarcasm into my daily life?

I personally think we have more sarcasm in the world than we need. What we need is more sincerity from smart people. So please, don't be more sarcastic. Just be more honest.

Or, if you really can't take sincerity, if it just breaks your heart over and over and makes you want to never leave your house or speak to anyone ever again, then listen to more Pulp. Cause if you can't be sincere, you might as well be sexy.


My favorite piece of china, a thrift store gravy boat that's held its ground well past its prime years, is leaking from a crack down the side. it feels silly, but i can't just throw it in the garbage. do you know how to fix it?

Well, you need clear epoxy glue, Qtips, and a lot of patience. More than I have. Really, how much do you use your gravy boat for gravy, and how often are you just using it for beer when you run out of glasses? I would recommend re purposing it as a candy dish or ashtray. Which is what I use most thrift store pieces as anyway.


Ask Me Anything

Fridays Questions Should Just Cowboy Up and Admit They are Always Going to End Up Saturday Questions

I ended up with a metric ton of cake in my fridge from yesterday. Seriously, this plate of cake weighs as much as a small cat. It's really good cake too, also there's orzo and fried rice and just a lot of food all of a sudden showing up in my fridge, which is great because I can put off going to food shopping till Monday. But what I really wish I had right now is a slice of pizza. Extremely greasy pizza. Preferably Hawaiian. And three more hours sleep. And a haircut. And two more cups of coffee. And really good slippers that my cat wouldn't piss on, fucking little monsters. My mom wants me to stop saying fuck as much as I do, but it's literally the only word I can verbalize right now.

Christmas Ale season is upon us. For those of you not in Cleveland, there's this local brewery everyone likes, and when their Christmas Ale comes out, everyone in Cleveland goes a little bit apeshit, and everyone's status updates become "oh my god the Christmas Ale" "Holy shit, the Christmas Ale" "Oh last night the Christmas Ale". Because frankly, we have nothing better to do. I don't usually give into it, but yesterday I did, and along with the *ahem* moonshine punch, and the whiskey, it all led to me up at 3am flooding my facebook page with more appropriate names for this stuff, cause, you know, I'm so fucking witty when I'm drunk. My personal favorite was "I Need New Tires But It's More Important to Get Laid"Ale.

Alright, enough of this chatter, let's go.


Chris doing his kermit impression. Also, someone is snorting in the beginning of this, and I would love to know who, and I'm hoping to God it's not me. After listening to it a few times, I'm pretty sure it's not. Pretty sure. Why do I keep taking out my camera when I'm drunk?


What is the worst thing about being single? What is the best thing?

The worst part is not having that constant validation of my own self-worth. Also, having to drive myself home from parties.

The best is being able to sleep with whoever I want to. Without feeling like I'm obligated to.


Do you carry a pink umbrella? Because I think I rushed past you in the rain after work today, and at first was jealous, since you were so nice and dry, and under a pretty brolly, and then was... "wait, was that @bridgetcallahan?"

You know we're not on twitter right? And that you can use my name without the @ symbol, I will totally know you are talking about me.

I do not have an umbrella. I couldn't be bothered before, it always seemed like they never really kept me dry and they certainly didn't make me any warmer. Also, I look good wet. But this year I've found myself thinking I should start carrying one, and being a little jealous of pretty ones. But I would never carry a pink one, because I don't own anything pink except this one clutch, and I can't take that in the rain. If I got an umbrella, it would probably be one of those constellation ones you see in museum gift shops, or it would be covered in dinosaurs.

I don't know who this other me is, but I bet I could totally take her in an umbrella light saber stand off. Only, she would be dry and I would be wet, so I would probably electrocute myself. If they were actual light sabers, I mean. There was a valid train of thought there.


If this is a councilor's ship then where is the ambassador!?

Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found Ewan McGregor, then please gently convince him that he shouldn't have signed on to do Star Wars, because now his IMDB page is going to read Ewan McGregor, Revenge of the Sith, actor. Instead of Ewan McGregor, Shallow Grave, actor. Which is a damn shame.


If you were riding down the street in your pink Hummer and you came across a bearded homeless man drinking a cheap bottle of merlot would you consider watching an Eat, Pray, Love and The Notebook doubleheader with somebody you don't know why you hate?

1) I would never NEVER drive a Hummer of any sort, unless I was driving across the desert.
2) What is with you guys and pink today?
3)I have no idea what the homeless guy has to do with this, and I suspect neither do you.
4) I will generally watch movies with almost anyone, because I don't have to talk to them. But to watch either of those movies, I would need to be really sick, or really drunk, which, frankly, it's kind of hard for me to hate anyone in those circumstances because I'm so fragile. What would for sure end up happening is I would start whining about how those two douchebags wrote books and made money, and what's wrong with me that I can't do the same thing, and whoever I was watching it with would totally end up hating me instead.
5) I always know why I hate someone.Otherwise it's not hate, it's just mild annoyance.
6)The Notebook is so insipid. It's like drinking a gallon of cough syrup all at once.


Earlier today you were Tweeting to your sixteen-year-old self. Please expound on that and tell us a few more things that you would want 16-year-old Bridget to know.

I think the first and foremost thing was covered on Twitter, which is that white slips are not real dresses. They should not be worn as such, and especially not with the black bra/black stockings combination.
Also of note - 16 year old Bridget should stop wearing that damn witch necklace, which was a giant silver pentagram and a large blue bag of charms, which is now in every high school picture her mom has of her. She should try painting other things in art class besides corpses in various positions and weird flowers. She should never be allowed to write with a silver marker on anything. She should keep her tongue in her fucking mouth, and maybe try keep her mouth shut more often, on more than one level. Guys in their 30s who want to hang out with her are not the kind of guys who deserve excuses, except for Peter, because he was actually a real friend, but everyone else is creepy. She should stop being so damn defensive about being a poor girl in a rich school, and be less prickly in general to people her own age. She should wear an electric collar that shocks her anytime she writes a guys name on any surface. Finally, Indigo Girls sucks. Oh, and for god sakes, listen to Ms. Sayid more.


You know like.. 900000000 people I know, but I'm not sure If I've met you directly. When I lived in Cleveland, I was a user, a boozer, and a loser, and I forgot a lot of stuff!

I don't understand the question. Are you asking if we've ever met? Cause frankly, we're in the same position here. And if you really were a loser, I probably didn't take much note of you anyway. For me to remember your name the first time you would have to be either hot, or really interesting, or spend a significant amount of time with me. Though yesterday, I could totally not remember the name of a girl I had known for years who I hadn't seen in a while. I mean, the problem is I'm just so smart, my brain has to recycle through bits of knowledge, and only keep what applies in the current situation. I just don't have the room for memories. Sad but true. It's a miracle of science I even remembered to do this post. The fact I remember how to type is blowing my mind right now.


What do you think the 28th Amendment should be?

An Equal Rights Amendment.


What's wrong with sex as a hobby?

I'm pretty sure nobody on this blog told you there was any sort of problem with that.

Though if I meet you for the first time, and I ask you what you're really into, and you tell me sex? I'm going to think that's a really dumb answer. Cause almost everybody is into sex. But not a lot of people are into, say, model rocket building. Or aquariums. Or late 1970s poetry.

So to answer the question, I guess the problem is that it's kind of boring.
Also something else someone should tell 16 year old Bridget.


What is the best part of November?

All Tomorrow's parties.

(and laying in bed on cold mornings after parties)


what is your opinion of the phrase, "It is what it is"?

Depending on the context, it's either the weakest thing you can say, or the wisest. But either way, you have no idea if it's true or not. You probably don't even know what "it" is. A much better statement would be "Don't Put That In Your Mouth".

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