Wait, isn't Vancouver on the Moon? Isn't that why everything is so clean?

Have you went to MELT in lakewood if not..... then go and your welcome

Yeah, no, I'm a thirty year old dating girl who lives on the West Side, and all my friends live on the West Side, and I talk about food constantly, and I up until recently spent way too much of my budget going out, and I'm on facebook and twitter and read band flyers and blogs for a significant portion of my day, and I have a lot of friends who work in restaurants BUT BUT BUT I've never heard of Melt.

Oh, also I never drive on 117th, so I have also never seen Matt Fish's billboard, or made fun of those fucking tattoos.

So THANK YOU.

Apparently Melt is now the ONLY restaurant in Cleveland. Besides the Greenhouse.

Look, Melt is good, and I'm sure it deserves at least half the praise it gets, and the sandwiches I've had there were good. But I, unlike the rest of the Cleveland population, like to eat things other than grilled cheese. I'm also not a fan of waiting for an hour for a grilled cheese sandwich.

I will go there in the middle of the day on a Monday, and that is it.

Do I have to wait till Christmas to meet you?

Yes? No? I cannot think of anybody who would have to wait an entire year from now to meet me. Unless a)my brother has some girlfriend he hasn't told me about and he stupidly let her read my blog, or b)this is my boyfriend's mother, in which case, no. Also, your son has never touched me.

I mean, the only people who wait until Christmas are people who are coming home for Christmas, which are usually students, or family. Otherwise, invite me to come to you. I will probably do it. I will especially do it if you pay for my plane ticket. Also, do you live in Wyoming? I really want to go to Wyoming or Alabama. Maybe you could move there before Christmas?

Wait, this is Jesus, isn't it?

Your last meal on Earth. What would it be? Would you feel guilty about eating meat in case of retribution during the afterlife? Would you drink beer, wine, hard liquor, or some comforting, nostalgic soda pop from your past (like Shasta or Cheerwine)?

We didn't drink pop as kids, so there's that.

And why would an avid meat eater like me, who avidly doesn't believe in an afterlife, care about retribution? Unless you and India know something I don't, and there is an afterlife, only it's run by cows. Angry angry cows.

My favorite foods change constantly, but right now last meal would probably be a coconut beef dish with red peppers, broccoli, peas, carrots,water chestnuts, no onions, over rice noodles. Crab rangoons on the side. Pistachio-apricot pie with vanilla ice cream for dessert. And lots of pineapple and vodka. So in other words, I'd like to cook my last meal myself please.

And oh my god, what it Cheerwine?

How should you treat a difficult cat?

You should love them and pet them and feed them and not overly aggravate their insecurities. Then when they still shit on the side of the litter box instead of inside the litter box, you should lock them in a small cupboard and bang the door every few minutes so they can't just fall asleep. Maybe play the movie Snow Dogs right outside, so they think adorable huskies have taken over the world. Or read them Call of the Wild, with sound effects.

Alternately, you could play really really rough with them, so that your forearms resemble the scarring of a fifteen year old cutter. You will be ugly and ashamed of your hands, but they will respect you. It's true. Difficult cats are creatures who know better than to submit to playing with some stuffed fake mouse. They want blood, and they will respect you more if you take it first.

Which one is better, Canada or the moon?

They are both cold, under-populated, and offer free health care.
They are both very clean. Most of their water supply is in the form of ice.
Americans have only been to either one exactly once.
I think it's a toss-up. The moon controls the tides, but Canada controls the internet prescription drug trade. Canada requires a passport now though, and I think the Moon is still pretty open to foreigners. I like to believe they both have black squirrels, but if Canada were to suddenly require their black squirrels to have passports, the Moon would definitely win.

The real question is which one will let me go live there without requiring a work visa. I hear the mining gnomes on the Moon are real hard asses about documentation. Also, I'm allergic to bottled oxygen. But most places in Canada require that too.

Moon! No, Canada! No, Moon! No wait, Patagonia! (that's in Canada right?) Isn't that where the Canadian dinosaurs live? And all their immigrants?

Ask me anything