I used to have a pet gecko. It died. They don't live that long, just saying.

What are your favorite things in Cleveland that aren't there anymore? Like places that have been bulldozed, restaurants or stores that have closed, etc.

Hmmm, let's see. I miss the gyro place that used to be on Lorain across from the Unique Thrift. I miss Europa, which was a dirty nasty club by Berea Rd. The boy and I were just talking about how much it sucked that no one had bought Marshalls, which was a bar on W. 41st and Bridge that got closed because the owner did some bad bad things. But it had a piano! It was probably the first bar I was ever in with a piano. I liked the Hi and Dry a lot when it was open, Alli and I liked to pretend we had money and eat there after paydays. The old Grog shop, which was infinitely better and nastier than the new Grog shop. Speak In Tongues, always. No place like it yet. I wish the Bop Stop would figure out if it's going to be open or not. The old Grid downtown, when it was next to the porn store and the Goldschlager flowed freely.

I miss the view of the steel mill before they put that gawdawful shopping plaza there.

Do you talk out loud with yourself?

Constantly. This is a habit I picked up from my dad, who used to have conversations with himself all the time while working or doing dishes. Now I will break into little snippets of conversation all the time if I'm alone, especially in the car. But, just like my dreams, it's always third person conversations between vague undefined characters, and very seldom has anything to do with anything going on in my actual life at that moment. Its usually very dramatic moments too, like breakups or lies or apologies. Other people are constantly lying in my head, to other people.

I think my brother does it too. I'm not sure about my sister. But I think those of us who do talk to ourselves are people who have lots and lots of wheels spinning in our heads all the time, like high metabolic thoughts, and it doesn't mean we're crazy at all. At all. In fact, it means we're smarter than you, so smart that we have to let our words get out of our heads or they will back up like clogged plumbing and then one day explode our skull, probably someplace really inconvenient like on the highway or in the middle of a movie. And then wouldn't you be sorry?

Answer: you would.

What's with car insurance companies and the goofy mascots?

I don't know. Am I allowed to talk about how much I hate Flo? I mean, I do, lipstick to headband. But other people LOVE her. No really. LOVE HER. It's made me realize how utterly disconnected I am from the American populace, since I can't get THAT at all. And that Esurance chick? Oh my god can SHE suck it. The Allstate guy who used to president on 24, and has made his entire career out of seeming trustworthy? Heartless bastard. Looks like he strangles puppies with those hands.The fucking cavemen from Geico who lost my sympathy vote when it became really clear that even cavemen make more money than I do, with their bikes and tennis sweaters and pools. And don't even get me started on "Justin Case". Even though I would probably fuck him. Meaning, I would.

The only one I have any tolerance for is that damn lizard. And I think that's only cause I have a soft spot for things that shed their skin and poop everywhere and only want a nice piece of hot sun to lie in. Also, they're probably keeping him alive with some horribly painful scientific equipment, the same stuff they used on Dick Clark and Casey Casem, where like you get formaldehyde injected in your eyeballs and lips. Cause I think the lifespan of a gecko is like a year, at most, that's how long mine lived.

Oh wait, Google is telling me it's at least seven.

Ask me anything