Top Chef: The Last Battle Approaches

One of the weirdest aspects of this show is, like all reality shows, that the episodes are not showing in real time. When they were showing the Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes, it was the middle of summer. A little disconcerting for the chefs I’m sure, but here’s the real question; did Hosea and Leah tell their significant others about cheating on them when they got home? Or did they wait 3 months until the show aired?

The consequences of their weird middle school indiscretions have taken their toll on the pair. Leah especially seems to have been skinned and turned inside out. She’s become quiet, subdued, and much more focused on just doing the challenge. It turns out guilt might actually work for her. Hosea, on the other hand, is just as perky, but his dishes seemed to suffer for it. I was really starting to think Hosea might eek it out to the end, but as C. suggested, maybe cooking is like boxing. You’re not supposed to fuck before the fight.

This was the first episode of the end of the season. All the chaff has been separated, and we’re left with the wheat, for better or worse. I became aware of this shift when I realized I kinda liked every chef that was left. I mean, there isn’t anyone I hate or think is so un-talented that the casting execs should be brutalized viciously for letting them walk on set.
Carla officially won over the peanut gallery last night, as adult professional behavior tends to do when your other choice is watching 2 idiots naively ruin their home lives. Seriously, CAMERAS. Why would you ever do something like that? It’s not even like they got it on, all they did was make out. Since when is making out worth humiliating your girlfriend or boyfriend like that? I understand when weird MySpace whores do it, but you guys are supposed to be career professionals. Oh well, enough of that. I’m done judging.

Ha! Like hell I am.

So last night’s episode was all Super Bowl themed, which would be weird anyway without the fact that it was filmed in August. The Quickfire challenge was some football bingo thing, where there’s this chart with unknown random numbers on the x and y, and everyone signs up for a random square. Then during the game, you use the score somehow to see who won? I have no idea how this works, but I should probably learn, because I just bought two boxes on the office game. I have never heard of this before, but apparently it’s big enough that Top Chef can expect their Bravo watching, sea salt buying audience to know what it is. Whatever, its reverse battleship.

So the chefs randomly picked a food item, and then everyone got Oats, because this was a fixed game and everyone was going to use Oats since Quaker Oats is the corporate sponsor who keeps Padma’s skin so refreshingly soft. It pains me that when people think oatmeal, they think of those oats. There are so many other great brands of oats out there. Quaker Oats is like Band-aids and Listerine, they’ve got it and no one is taking it away, despite the fact that Quaker Oats leave this weird oat flavored water behind when you cook them. The chefs have to create a dish using Oats, a challenge Jeff affectionately calls “oat crazy”. Jeff fails at this by the way. Jeff looks really defeated or really stoned, or both. We wonder if maybe Jeff has been smoking with Padma in the back, and maybe this is really Bravo’s strategy for keeping the eliminations interesting, pick one sacrificial guy who Padma seduces with drugs and booty, and then distracts into oblivion….
Also we learn that Fabio killed the Guest Judge’s brother. Or something like that. Cause that guy hates Fabio.

The main challenge is way more interesting. They bring back all these old Top Chef contestants, and they pit them head to head with the Season 5 guys. It’s all football themed, but who cares, the important thing is ANDREW CAME BACK. Andrew tells Season 5 they better watch out because he’s going to “stomp them” and then he will be “peeing on your bodies”.

At this point S. has this to say about Andrew, “I don’t care if he rubs his penis raw with sandpaper and dips it in a cocaine bath, he’s the best.”

Okay, so the first match up is Leah vs. my old arch nemesis Nikki. Who I seriously confused with the late Ariane from this season, cause I was all “goddamnit, they just got rid of her, why is she back?” They are the same evil witch. Leah and her Hormones win.

Next Hosea vs. Miguel, otherwise known as “Chunk”. Miguel is a small lead poisoned child. Hosea wins.

Cut to Andrew playing with live crawfish like a cat.

Carla vs. someone I don’t remember and she wins. Oh, that’s right, it was ANDREW.

Stefan vs. Andrea. Stefan makes googly eyes at her, she returned the favor by cooking his eyes in a chili and serving them to him. Andrea wins.

Cut to Andrew bashing Stefan in a really funny way but I can’t remember what he said and for some reason no one posted it in any of their recaps, so it will remain a secret. And yes, there are multiple Top chef recaps. There is an army of them. I am a cog in a giant secret weird product placement machine.

Cut to Stefan saying “I’m a douche bag”, and this elevates to best episode ever.

Cut to a screen shot of the scoreboard they’re using in the back room: Top Chef, 34; Douches, 26.

Jamie vs. Camille who doesn’t ever talk and never gets featured and I guess her restaurant burned down which is really sad cause I think Camille is probably the coolest person in real life. Jamie wins.

Jeff vs. Josie. Josie the floppy overly happy not very talented. Josie who makes a HOT ceviche vs. Jeff’s COLD ceviche. And Josie wins. Which means Jeff deserves to go home.

Let’s all take a minute to appreciate Jeff. His steely eyes. His perfect blonde hair. The fact that he worked at the Dildo Club in Miami…..

Finally it’s Fabio vs. Spike the Scary Man in the Really Bad Hat. Fabio loses to the judges, but wins the field goal (you don’t want to know), and pulls it out for Season 5.

Judges Table: Carla wins. Jamie impersonates Olivia Newton John with a gold forehead band. The Guest Judge takes Fabio’s heart, makes a tartar, and serves it to Toby Young with a nice Shiraz, insult to injury since of course all the best red wines come from Italy. Then Guest Judge makes Toby throw it back up again, whisks in some play-doh, puts it back in his chest, and tells Fabio to fuck himself. Stefan sits in the back room, playing with a lighter and either contemplating burning the place down or getting really mellow. And Jeff goes home…looking like the little boy who’s new Christmas bicycle just got run over by a milk truck.

The End.