The Wrong Brother Won.
One.
Won.
(p.s. I am extremely drunk on jello shots and it is possible that later today I will have wished that I wrote a more fanciful, articulate review. However right now I just know that both of them know it, and Kevin knows it, and if Padma doesn't know it, it's only because at some point Top Chef had to become the Establishment and we had to start rebelling against it. It has become a new standard of judgment in the culinary community, and therefore we must bring it down, and tirade against it's inequality and inadequacies, and later tonight we fought about kittens and commitment and I'm sorry but I think it's totally fair to see shadows of my past relationship in your fickleness of stray cat keepingness. Also Bryan should have won. But I've never known if I'm spelling his name right, and quite frankly, I don't care enough to google it. There was no great sibling rivalry resolved today. There was only us, screaming, into the nothingness that is the Council's palate, like salivating starving dogs at the Culture Counter, with no rhyme or reason. )
edit: today I read that the reason Kevin was in a funk is because he and his wife split up right before heading back to Napa. So Kevin, I'm sorry you didn't win, and I hope you're okay. I want to organize a mass group of people and camp out in Atlanta with Kevin t-shirts and spend lots of money at your restaurant, because thats the only non-creepy non-sex not stalking thing I can think to do. Also, it is warmer down there right now. But I'll probably just stay up and here and feel sorry for you. Also, the mom thing takes on whole new meaning.
Showing posts with label Bravo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bravo. Show all posts
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Finale Part One
Dear Best Friend,
What is the best way to hide a baby bump? I am normally very sexy, but as I get bigger, I'm afraid of wearing my normal clothes.
Yours truly, Knocked Up in Napa
Dear Knocked Up,
Instead of wearing your normal slutty clothes, what you should be wearing is even sluttier clothes. If last night's tv watching taught us anything, it's that pretty girls who are pregnant should wear even less clothing than what got them there in the first place. Try digging out your old cheerleading outfit, or dressing in a really fattening color, like white. It'll be ironic, since you're obviously anything but virginal. Change your hairstyle dramatically. Or, if you're really brave, wear clothing that has been previously only worn by cast members of Resident Evil movies and Blade. People will be so busy wondering where half of your sleeves went, they won't look at your fat little belly at all.
Dear Best Friend,
Which is worse, over-salting goat cheese or feeding a pregnant woman
a raw egg?
Yours truly, Cheated by the Brothers Grimm
Dear Cheated,
Up until last night, I would have said the raw egg thing. Salmonella and all. But apparently over salted goat cheese is really fucking nasty. Also, if you are called on the carpet for this sort of thing, NEVER EVER CONFESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR PERFECT DISH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. If possible, make sure you have some sort of epic story arc, like Cain and Abel, or Lucy and Desi, that will make you indispensable to the editors. Show no weakness. Next time, try hitting on your furry married co-star. It can't hurt.
Dear Best Friend,
What is Michael Chiarello's fucking problem?
Yours truly, California Dreaming
Dear California,
I don't know, but if you could please, as a state, do us the favor of forbidding him from traveling across state lines, I know we'd all be grateful. Please make sure he understands this includes all Top Chef production sets. I suggest also maybe imprisoning him in a wine cave under his beloved valley for all time, with animated grape vines removing his vital organs every 24 hours, until a sous chef should find him and put him out of his misery.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is the worst sign ever, you pretentious twats
Last night was anything but poetry for our Fearless Foursome. They were spirited away to Napa Valley, the Den of Easy Virtues. Once there, they came face to face with the soggy pork known as Chef Chiarello, the bastard who stole Top Chef Master title from Hubert, and who had kidnapped their princess and impregnated her with mystical soul sucking grapeseed babies. Their first challenge to was to get on his evil Train of Sustainable Doom, which was obviously a trap. Once imprisoned in the tiny kitchen car, they were forced to cook grapes grapes grapes. These dishes they fed to the Princess, like pomegranates to Persephone, knowing they were powerless to help her. With every bite, her soul turned more and more a deeper shade of khaki beige, with spots of sportscoat navy.
The brave boys managed to escape, but Jennifer oh my Jennifer. Like the Grinch, Chiarello set his evil eye upon her and determined that he would steal her talent for himself. Right then and there, he resolved that she should never win Top Chef. She would come to live with him in his faux Italian villa, while her soul would fester in a cedar barrel, trapped in the cellar with all his other victims. Like Ursula the sea witch and her bottles, see? Ripert he would deal with later.
Their destination was the annual harvest festival, call The Crush because traditionally this is when the indentured Chinese and Mexicans would pass out and drown in the mighty vats. They were forced to race each other through mazes to gather the ashen scraps of a raped countryside, and out of the scraps they must compose the dish to save their lives and careers.
First, the meats. Kevin chose the stoic and silent Cow as his totem, strong and cornfed. But did he cook it long enough? Bryan also used beef, understated and sweet, elegant. But where were his figs? Michael, devious ambitious Michael. Was it any wonder foi gras was his choice? And was it a surprise the stingy bastard didn't put enough in his soup? But Jennifer my Jennifer. Your duck was the prize of the night, the gilded feather in your cap. How ironic that it should also be the seal on your coffin, since Chiarello renewed his vow to bring your star down, once he tasted it's toothsome duckyness. (also, my friends, Kevin, that is what toothsome actually means.)
And the vegetarian dishes? Kevin took a carrot and a radish, said a magic Southern Witch spell over them, and created two pieces of vegetable that tasted like a 5 course meal. Bryan wove a ravioli so fine, the spiders were jealous. Michael put a raw egg in some vegetable stock and fed it to the princess. Maybe, he was trying to put her out of her misery? I think that's giving him too much credit. And Jennifer my Jennifer, it's not your fault that the evil Chiarello switched salts on you, giving you the cursed salt with the very slow melting that was ultimately your downfall. I know he did it. Did you see at judges table, how he immediately knew what had happened, even before you did?
The princess, whose transformation to rogue angel fighter was complete by the second scene, felt a tear on her cheek, and wondered what it was.
In the final level, the heroes faced the Circle of the Black Thorn, and though their armor was shining brightly, the Council nit and picked until the smallest pores and ingrown hairs had been exposed. When the smoke had cleared, Voltron remained united, to fight it out in the final battle. And Jennifer was left to hitch her way back to Philly, and battle Chiarello's minions by herself until she could be reunited with her Master, The Sorcerer Ripert. Who watched the battle from his ivory tower, and plotted revenge for the humiliation of his secret daughter.
What is the best way to hide a baby bump? I am normally very sexy, but as I get bigger, I'm afraid of wearing my normal clothes.
Yours truly, Knocked Up in Napa
Dear Knocked Up,
Instead of wearing your normal slutty clothes, what you should be wearing is even sluttier clothes. If last night's tv watching taught us anything, it's that pretty girls who are pregnant should wear even less clothing than what got them there in the first place. Try digging out your old cheerleading outfit, or dressing in a really fattening color, like white. It'll be ironic, since you're obviously anything but virginal. Change your hairstyle dramatically. Or, if you're really brave, wear clothing that has been previously only worn by cast members of Resident Evil movies and Blade. People will be so busy wondering where half of your sleeves went, they won't look at your fat little belly at all.
Dear Best Friend,
Which is worse, over-salting goat cheese or feeding a pregnant woman
a raw egg?
Yours truly, Cheated by the Brothers Grimm
Dear Cheated,
Up until last night, I would have said the raw egg thing. Salmonella and all. But apparently over salted goat cheese is really fucking nasty. Also, if you are called on the carpet for this sort of thing, NEVER EVER CONFESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR PERFECT DISH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. If possible, make sure you have some sort of epic story arc, like Cain and Abel, or Lucy and Desi, that will make you indispensable to the editors. Show no weakness. Next time, try hitting on your furry married co-star. It can't hurt.
Dear Best Friend,
What is Michael Chiarello's fucking problem?
Yours truly, California Dreaming
Dear California,
I don't know, but if you could please, as a state, do us the favor of forbidding him from traveling across state lines, I know we'd all be grateful. Please make sure he understands this includes all Top Chef production sets. I suggest also maybe imprisoning him in a wine cave under his beloved valley for all time, with animated grape vines removing his vital organs every 24 hours, until a sous chef should find him and put him out of his misery.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is the worst sign ever, you pretentious twats
Last night was anything but poetry for our Fearless Foursome. They were spirited away to Napa Valley, the Den of Easy Virtues. Once there, they came face to face with the soggy pork known as Chef Chiarello, the bastard who stole Top Chef Master title from Hubert, and who had kidnapped their princess and impregnated her with mystical soul sucking grapeseed babies. Their first challenge to was to get on his evil Train of Sustainable Doom, which was obviously a trap. Once imprisoned in the tiny kitchen car, they were forced to cook grapes grapes grapes. These dishes they fed to the Princess, like pomegranates to Persephone, knowing they were powerless to help her. With every bite, her soul turned more and more a deeper shade of khaki beige, with spots of sportscoat navy.
The brave boys managed to escape, but Jennifer oh my Jennifer. Like the Grinch, Chiarello set his evil eye upon her and determined that he would steal her talent for himself. Right then and there, he resolved that she should never win Top Chef. She would come to live with him in his faux Italian villa, while her soul would fester in a cedar barrel, trapped in the cellar with all his other victims. Like Ursula the sea witch and her bottles, see? Ripert he would deal with later.
Their destination was the annual harvest festival, call The Crush because traditionally this is when the indentured Chinese and Mexicans would pass out and drown in the mighty vats. They were forced to race each other through mazes to gather the ashen scraps of a raped countryside, and out of the scraps they must compose the dish to save their lives and careers.
First, the meats. Kevin chose the stoic and silent Cow as his totem, strong and cornfed. But did he cook it long enough? Bryan also used beef, understated and sweet, elegant. But where were his figs? Michael, devious ambitious Michael. Was it any wonder foi gras was his choice? And was it a surprise the stingy bastard didn't put enough in his soup? But Jennifer my Jennifer. Your duck was the prize of the night, the gilded feather in your cap. How ironic that it should also be the seal on your coffin, since Chiarello renewed his vow to bring your star down, once he tasted it's toothsome duckyness. (also, my friends, Kevin, that is what toothsome actually means.)
And the vegetarian dishes? Kevin took a carrot and a radish, said a magic Southern Witch spell over them, and created two pieces of vegetable that tasted like a 5 course meal. Bryan wove a ravioli so fine, the spiders were jealous. Michael put a raw egg in some vegetable stock and fed it to the princess. Maybe, he was trying to put her out of her misery? I think that's giving him too much credit. And Jennifer my Jennifer, it's not your fault that the evil Chiarello switched salts on you, giving you the cursed salt with the very slow melting that was ultimately your downfall. I know he did it. Did you see at judges table, how he immediately knew what had happened, even before you did?
The princess, whose transformation to rogue angel fighter was complete by the second scene, felt a tear on her cheek, and wondered what it was.
In the final level, the heroes faced the Circle of the Black Thorn, and though their armor was shining brightly, the Council nit and picked until the smallest pores and ingrown hairs had been exposed. When the smoke had cleared, Voltron remained united, to fight it out in the final battle. And Jennifer was left to hitch her way back to Philly, and battle Chiarello's minions by herself until she could be reunited with her Master, The Sorcerer Ripert. Who watched the battle from his ivory tower, and plotted revenge for the humiliation of his secret daughter.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday TV Recap: Leeks are fun!
Oh youth, how confident you are!
ANTM: See, this is why math doesn't matter, girls.
Things I learned tonight from America's Next Top Smurfette.
1) 21 yr olds are actually older than 18 yr olds. No, really. The math girl told me. It's like, a factual thing.
2) One reason it's better to be hot is that you can keep your house in the worst filthy state, and instead of cleaning it and being ashamed, someone will whisk you away to a billion dollar estate in Hawaii.
3) I do not know how to spell Hawaii. I had to spell check a state of my fucking country. Sad.
4) There is such a career path as extreme water sports photographer.
5) In 2 short cycles, Tyra will be taking all the photographs.
6) They have no sun in Kentucky, because the coal smoke and horse farts have blocked it forever. Also, all Kentuckians are mole people.
7) We should all know more about Tibet. "I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed." Someone should have told her Tibet is full of dragons, I bet she would have changed her mind.
8) When a fashion photographer does blackface, it's a controversy. When Tyra does it, it's emboldening, fierceable, and smizening.
9) Every single staff member on that show is a fucking expert on teenage girls. When this show finally dies, they should all go on to write books and be on Oprah.
10) Bye Britany! Remember, philanthropy awaits you in your new career as extremely successful socialite, in about 15 years.
***** I watched about five minutes of Vampire Diaries, because there was no Glee. My boyfriend danced around with some girl in her underwear to a bad cover song meant to evoke debauchery and madness. He then snapped her neck. I watched some Angel.************
Top Chef: Padma, do you know what protein is?
I actually liked the Quickfire this episode. The chefs were asked to create tv dinners based on tv shows, which was fun. No big surprise, Kevin's Italian family style Sopranos dinner won with the Italian chef guest judge. But I thought Bryan's interpretation of M.A.S.H as meatloaf and apple pie was really cute.
The only disturbing part was when Padman mentions TOP CHEF FROZEN DINNERS FROM SCHWAN'S. And then Kevin successfully evoked the idea that these would be like Meals On Wheels, and I think that particular promotion idea fell flat.
But let's move on to the good stuff. So the chefs are told they will be cooking dinners for guests at CraftSteak, Colicchio's almost iconic steakhouse. Yes, you can brand something so well, it becomes iconic. They run into the kitchen like kids at Christmas, shaking all the paper wrapped meaty gold, exclaiming over bits of rump and slices of flank. Then Natalie Portman comes in and kills all their hopes and dreams.
Ely mistakenly says the most important thing Natalie has ever done is be in Star Wars, because that's the most important thing anyone can do. I disagree. This is the most important thing Natalie has ever done:
Let's just examine the following moments:
Kevin - "Every Lent my wife and I go vegetarian as penance" - not an exact quote. I couldn't remember the exact words cause I was screaming "No Kevin! Not Lent!" at the TV, as my crush withered and died. Or at least was left gasping for air.
Eli - feels pity for vegetarians. Cause it's a disability they are forced to live with. PETA, where are you?
Mike Douche - "I'll cook anything. I'll cook goats." What?
Padma, talking about garlic blossoms- "It's like a little prick on my tongue."
Tom - "it went from a little prick to a big taste in your mouth."
All of Natalie's very lucky friends - died from the sheer wonder of being there, and swearing to themselves they will be friends with her forever.
Natalie, on being in love with Voltron Jr. - "who is his dealer, and does he want more clients?"
Also Gail, Leighton Meester wants her Emmy dress back, and is very mad you died it green.
So in the end, Mike Douche had the poetic justice of being sent home before Robin. One can only hope Ely suffers the same fate. Kevin won, again. I was less than thrilled, you Catholic. No, it's true, I still love your chubby little ginger face. But please don't ever tell me anything like that again.
Next week: Is Jennifer the new Erin (from ANTM), and what advice would Tyra give her about self-sabotaging? Maybe we should get her some Autotune?
ANTM: See, this is why math doesn't matter, girls.
Things I learned tonight from America's Next Top Smurfette.
1) 21 yr olds are actually older than 18 yr olds. No, really. The math girl told me. It's like, a factual thing.
2) One reason it's better to be hot is that you can keep your house in the worst filthy state, and instead of cleaning it and being ashamed, someone will whisk you away to a billion dollar estate in Hawaii.
3) I do not know how to spell Hawaii. I had to spell check a state of my fucking country. Sad.
4) There is such a career path as extreme water sports photographer.
5) In 2 short cycles, Tyra will be taking all the photographs.
6) They have no sun in Kentucky, because the coal smoke and horse farts have blocked it forever. Also, all Kentuckians are mole people.
7) We should all know more about Tibet. "I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed." Someone should have told her Tibet is full of dragons, I bet she would have changed her mind.
8) When a fashion photographer does blackface, it's a controversy. When Tyra does it, it's emboldening, fierceable, and smizening.
9) Every single staff member on that show is a fucking expert on teenage girls. When this show finally dies, they should all go on to write books and be on Oprah.
10) Bye Britany! Remember, philanthropy awaits you in your new career as extremely successful socialite, in about 15 years.
***** I watched about five minutes of Vampire Diaries, because there was no Glee. My boyfriend danced around with some girl in her underwear to a bad cover song meant to evoke debauchery and madness. He then snapped her neck. I watched some Angel.************
Top Chef: Padma, do you know what protein is?
I actually liked the Quickfire this episode. The chefs were asked to create tv dinners based on tv shows, which was fun. No big surprise, Kevin's Italian family style Sopranos dinner won with the Italian chef guest judge. But I thought Bryan's interpretation of M.A.S.H as meatloaf and apple pie was really cute.
The only disturbing part was when Padman mentions TOP CHEF FROZEN DINNERS FROM SCHWAN'S. And then Kevin successfully evoked the idea that these would be like Meals On Wheels, and I think that particular promotion idea fell flat.
But let's move on to the good stuff. So the chefs are told they will be cooking dinners for guests at CraftSteak, Colicchio's almost iconic steakhouse. Yes, you can brand something so well, it becomes iconic. They run into the kitchen like kids at Christmas, shaking all the paper wrapped meaty gold, exclaiming over bits of rump and slices of flank. Then Natalie Portman comes in and kills all their hopes and dreams.
Ely mistakenly says the most important thing Natalie has ever done is be in Star Wars, because that's the most important thing anyone can do. I disagree. This is the most important thing Natalie has ever done:
Let's just examine the following moments:
Kevin - "Every Lent my wife and I go vegetarian as penance" - not an exact quote. I couldn't remember the exact words cause I was screaming "No Kevin! Not Lent!" at the TV, as my crush withered and died. Or at least was left gasping for air.
Eli - feels pity for vegetarians. Cause it's a disability they are forced to live with. PETA, where are you?
Mike Douche - "I'll cook anything. I'll cook goats." What?
Padma, talking about garlic blossoms- "It's like a little prick on my tongue."
Tom - "it went from a little prick to a big taste in your mouth."
All of Natalie's very lucky friends - died from the sheer wonder of being there, and swearing to themselves they will be friends with her forever.
Natalie, on being in love with Voltron Jr. - "who is his dealer, and does he want more clients?"
Also Gail, Leighton Meester wants her Emmy dress back, and is very mad you died it green.
So in the end, Mike Douche had the poetic justice of being sent home before Robin. One can only hope Ely suffers the same fate. Kevin won, again. I was less than thrilled, you Catholic. No, it's true, I still love your chubby little ginger face. But please don't ever tell me anything like that again.
Next week: Is Jennifer the new Erin (from ANTM), and what advice would Tyra give her about self-sabotaging? Maybe we should get her some Autotune?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday TV Recap: Hey Everybody, Laura is Dyslexic!
Okay, so you see that face I'm making in my profile picture. I keep thinking about changing it, cause I look at it and I'm like, gee that's a weird face. Why do I want people to think I'm a Yugoslavian witch who thinks they have bad taste in music?
Well, it turns out that is the face I make when it's one in the morning, and I've gotten a little messed up, and watched a bunch of reality TV I was not in the mood for tonight. Loopy, exhausted, alternately hopeless and high from snarkiness.
Tonight I corralled poor Gracie, the cat that has been living outside The Ex's building for the last summer. The neighbors that just moved from there, C and M, had started feeding her, cause she kept coming around and was so freaking friendly and small and sweet. And pregnant. Then she had the kitten, and brought it to the porch to give it to them, and the new neighbors ended up taking the kitten, but of course they didn't want two cats. So Gracie is still on the porch, and I've been feeding her and trying to figure out what to do with her. I sorta feel like when an animal adopts you, you have to take care of them. I also realize that is the attitude that will get me fifteen cats and a very unhappy life. The Ex has sort of thought about taking her, but really doesn't want a second cat, and it doesn't help that his existing cat kinda hates Gracie now. So adorable wonderful Gracie is at the moment in his bathroom, while I try to figure out what to do with her after I take her to the APL to get fixed.
Right, so that's my night. I was not in the mood to watch ANTM or even Top Chef. I even thought to myself, I should just watch Glee and go to bed at 10 and maybe stop watching tv altogether. Of course, it's 1am, so we can see how that turned out.
So since I've watched them, lets talk about them. But keep in mind I watched the Angel episode where Connor and Holtz are sucked into the hell dimension while Wesley bleeds out from his throat in a park all alone, right before I sat down to this computer. So we'll see.
America's Next Top Model: The Disappearing Girl
Let's think of some current models who are "double or triple threats".
I can only mostly think of old ones: Heidi, Cindy, Brooke.
Because being a host on a show or an actress is something models do either when they get so successful they can't breathe, or when they fail at being a model. That being said, Jennifer, you should really practices doing interviews on weird people like Ant and that girl from 90210. I think that is a very good place for you to head to, and nobody will give two shits about your tiny eyelid flaw. You're only going to be on this show for another episode, maybe two. Tell your agent to get started now.
I don't understand why we're speeding up the challenges like this. Last week, go sees, and this week, the dread CoverGirl commercial? Which is usually reserved for the last 4 girls. First there was the interview challenge, where you got to actually see the platform the muppet actors stand behind while filming, so that was kind of cool. Though I was never one of those kids who needed that explained. Poor Laura, who can't read certain things because she's dyslexic, and I like her so no need to make fun there, Laura had to read things off a teleprompter which had to suck hardcore. But then *twist* they cut off the prompter, and she kinda sucked then too. Jennifer was the only one who nailed this.
Then time to truck out the CoverGirl zombie winner from last season. I sometimes wonder if the new girls, meeting a Bree or a Teyonna, second guess themselves. "Hmm, maybe I should have just tried to make it on my own, I could have been slutty enough. Maybe this isn't worth it." Nah, of course they don't. Everybody loves CoverGirl right? right? Cause it's Exacting New Lash Volume Glimmer Plumping time darlings. Teyonna is being kept alive on Stay True Highlights, sparkling water, and fashion columnist blood.
Jennifer and Nicole both do very well in the commercial, considering the wreckage that has been past years. Laura can't read, so, you know, duh. Erin literally has a temper tantrum in front of Nigel. 4 times. He's probably fucking his wife thinking about it right now. Anyway, Erin's commercial is basically a heroin addict trying to get money from her folks. It's the saddest Cover Girl commercial in history. She even looks like she's crying in it, cause she is! They should use it.
During elimination, Tyra says something about "1+1=3" to Britany, who shuts down right there. It's over for her. I don't blame her, after all, not only is it not true, it didn't make any sense cause they were pushing a trio of CG products. So how does three products translate to 1+1=3 in Tyra's head? Math Girl With an Actual Career Ahead of Her has had enough. Nicole looked super cute in her glasses and indie pop singer outfit. Erin channeled Marie Antoinette. And maybe it was my tv, but when Tyra got down to the last two girls, did her voice get all echoey and auto tuney? Very epic, with creepy soundtrack music behind it.
Then Rae went home. Wait, who?
Top Chef Las Vegas: I'm warning you Bravo, I will throw something at the TV
So the rule in horror movies, I've been told, is that the slutty girl who loses her virginity,or has sex, or does something otherwise Eve in the Garden like, will be killed first. Do I have that right? I think one of the Bravo editors decided to add some layers, and showed Jennifer in her bikini on purpose in the beginning for that very effect. It's a theory.
But then what to make of the sweet little Voltron brother rivalry?Mike V. was the edit baby this week, and we got to all learn about what an asshole he is, as a setup for his ultimate redemption right?
First, there's this Tag-Off cooking thing, and like Kevin said, this is the most ridiculous Quickfire ever. So let's just move past it.
Restaurant Wars. Everybody's favorite challenge except for me. Cause I could care less about your decorating skills, or your front of the house skills. This challenge is painful for me to watch, because it's going to get fucked up no matter what. Always. And how the hell do I get myself invited to be one of the guests for this thing? Is there a drawing I can enter, a mailing list? Do I have to go suck up to a bunch of food bloggers? I'll do anything.
Thankfully, they got rid of that decor shit this year. I'm not watching Top Design Star after all. For a reason. This year it's really simple; create a menu, cook it, serve a bunch of people.
The Voltron brothers are paired with Robin and Ely, and still win. Because together, they are Voltron. Mike is kind of an asshole, but gets his big twist by winning 10,000 and then offering to split it with the team. Cause, you know, he's got a heart of gold and platinum and diamond transistors. Bryan is calm. Brian is calm. Brian is calm. Ely keeps his cool around Robin by completely avoiding her as much as he can, and does an okay front of the house. Not great, he could have tucked his shirt in.
But at least he didn't look like a bitter serving wench in some East German bar circa 1974. Laurine didn't even tell the judges what they were eating, just dumped the slop down in front of them and left. Who the fuck does that? The rest of her team, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike Douche, do a really good job of fucking up on top of that. And Jennifer, I'm personally mad at you for that. How could you have allowed the judges to make me think, believe, feel if even for an instant, that you might be sent home? Do you know what that would have done to me? I might have even stopped watching!
I let out an audible sigh when Laurine was sent packing instead. I felt embarrassed for myself.
And the episode ended with the Voltron brothers going back and forth. "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad" "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad, I'm happy." "You're mad." "I'm not mad."
Which is how the ship found them, centuries later, sitting in the rubble, their cold fusion hearts stuck in an eternal dialogue. The tattoos had faded from the elements, but the unwrinkled brows remained unchanged, with a glimmer of gold from their Exacting Highlights Natural Human Makeup, shade #3.
Note: looks like Natalie Portman is pulling a Zooey Deschanel next week. I hate that I live in a world where I can say that, and it has meaning for you.
Well, it turns out that is the face I make when it's one in the morning, and I've gotten a little messed up, and watched a bunch of reality TV I was not in the mood for tonight. Loopy, exhausted, alternately hopeless and high from snarkiness.
Tonight I corralled poor Gracie, the cat that has been living outside The Ex's building for the last summer. The neighbors that just moved from there, C and M, had started feeding her, cause she kept coming around and was so freaking friendly and small and sweet. And pregnant. Then she had the kitten, and brought it to the porch to give it to them, and the new neighbors ended up taking the kitten, but of course they didn't want two cats. So Gracie is still on the porch, and I've been feeding her and trying to figure out what to do with her. I sorta feel like when an animal adopts you, you have to take care of them. I also realize that is the attitude that will get me fifteen cats and a very unhappy life. The Ex has sort of thought about taking her, but really doesn't want a second cat, and it doesn't help that his existing cat kinda hates Gracie now. So adorable wonderful Gracie is at the moment in his bathroom, while I try to figure out what to do with her after I take her to the APL to get fixed.
Right, so that's my night. I was not in the mood to watch ANTM or even Top Chef. I even thought to myself, I should just watch Glee and go to bed at 10 and maybe stop watching tv altogether. Of course, it's 1am, so we can see how that turned out.
So since I've watched them, lets talk about them. But keep in mind I watched the Angel episode where Connor and Holtz are sucked into the hell dimension while Wesley bleeds out from his throat in a park all alone, right before I sat down to this computer. So we'll see.
America's Next Top Model: The Disappearing Girl
Let's think of some current models who are "double or triple threats".
I can only mostly think of old ones: Heidi, Cindy, Brooke.
Because being a host on a show or an actress is something models do either when they get so successful they can't breathe, or when they fail at being a model. That being said, Jennifer, you should really practices doing interviews on weird people like Ant and that girl from 90210. I think that is a very good place for you to head to, and nobody will give two shits about your tiny eyelid flaw. You're only going to be on this show for another episode, maybe two. Tell your agent to get started now.
I don't understand why we're speeding up the challenges like this. Last week, go sees, and this week, the dread CoverGirl commercial? Which is usually reserved for the last 4 girls. First there was the interview challenge, where you got to actually see the platform the muppet actors stand behind while filming, so that was kind of cool. Though I was never one of those kids who needed that explained. Poor Laura, who can't read certain things because she's dyslexic, and I like her so no need to make fun there, Laura had to read things off a teleprompter which had to suck hardcore. But then *twist* they cut off the prompter, and she kinda sucked then too. Jennifer was the only one who nailed this.
Then time to truck out the CoverGirl zombie winner from last season. I sometimes wonder if the new girls, meeting a Bree or a Teyonna, second guess themselves. "Hmm, maybe I should have just tried to make it on my own, I could have been slutty enough. Maybe this isn't worth it." Nah, of course they don't. Everybody loves CoverGirl right? right? Cause it's Exacting New Lash Volume Glimmer Plumping time darlings. Teyonna is being kept alive on Stay True Highlights, sparkling water, and fashion columnist blood.
Jennifer and Nicole both do very well in the commercial, considering the wreckage that has been past years. Laura can't read, so, you know, duh. Erin literally has a temper tantrum in front of Nigel. 4 times. He's probably fucking his wife thinking about it right now. Anyway, Erin's commercial is basically a heroin addict trying to get money from her folks. It's the saddest Cover Girl commercial in history. She even looks like she's crying in it, cause she is! They should use it.
During elimination, Tyra says something about "1+1=3" to Britany, who shuts down right there. It's over for her. I don't blame her, after all, not only is it not true, it didn't make any sense cause they were pushing a trio of CG products. So how does three products translate to 1+1=3 in Tyra's head? Math Girl With an Actual Career Ahead of Her has had enough. Nicole looked super cute in her glasses and indie pop singer outfit. Erin channeled Marie Antoinette. And maybe it was my tv, but when Tyra got down to the last two girls, did her voice get all echoey and auto tuney? Very epic, with creepy soundtrack music behind it.
Then Rae went home. Wait, who?
Top Chef Las Vegas: I'm warning you Bravo, I will throw something at the TV
So the rule in horror movies, I've been told, is that the slutty girl who loses her virginity,or has sex, or does something otherwise Eve in the Garden like, will be killed first. Do I have that right? I think one of the Bravo editors decided to add some layers, and showed Jennifer in her bikini on purpose in the beginning for that very effect. It's a theory.
But then what to make of the sweet little Voltron brother rivalry?Mike V. was the edit baby this week, and we got to all learn about what an asshole he is, as a setup for his ultimate redemption right?
First, there's this Tag-Off cooking thing, and like Kevin said, this is the most ridiculous Quickfire ever. So let's just move past it.
Restaurant Wars. Everybody's favorite challenge except for me. Cause I could care less about your decorating skills, or your front of the house skills. This challenge is painful for me to watch, because it's going to get fucked up no matter what. Always. And how the hell do I get myself invited to be one of the guests for this thing? Is there a drawing I can enter, a mailing list? Do I have to go suck up to a bunch of food bloggers? I'll do anything.
Thankfully, they got rid of that decor shit this year. I'm not watching Top Design Star after all. For a reason. This year it's really simple; create a menu, cook it, serve a bunch of people.
The Voltron brothers are paired with Robin and Ely, and still win. Because together, they are Voltron. Mike is kind of an asshole, but gets his big twist by winning 10,000 and then offering to split it with the team. Cause, you know, he's got a heart of gold and platinum and diamond transistors. Bryan is calm. Brian is calm. Brian is calm. Ely keeps his cool around Robin by completely avoiding her as much as he can, and does an okay front of the house. Not great, he could have tucked his shirt in.
But at least he didn't look like a bitter serving wench in some East German bar circa 1974. Laurine didn't even tell the judges what they were eating, just dumped the slop down in front of them and left. Who the fuck does that? The rest of her team, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike Douche, do a really good job of fucking up on top of that. And Jennifer, I'm personally mad at you for that. How could you have allowed the judges to make me think, believe, feel if even for an instant, that you might be sent home? Do you know what that would have done to me? I might have even stopped watching!
I let out an audible sigh when Laurine was sent packing instead. I felt embarrassed for myself.
And the episode ended with the Voltron brothers going back and forth. "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad" "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad, I'm happy." "You're mad." "I'm not mad."
Which is how the ship found them, centuries later, sitting in the rubble, their cold fusion hearts stuck in an eternal dialogue. The tattoos had faded from the elements, but the unwrinkled brows remained unchanged, with a glimmer of gold from their Exacting Highlights Natural Human Makeup, shade #3.
Note: looks like Natalie Portman is pulling a Zooey Deschanel next week. I hate that I live in a world where I can say that, and it has meaning for you.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday TV Sometimes Makes Me Cry: Top Chef, Top Model, TBL
Alright, so I missed the first few minutes of America's Next Top Model, and apparently those were the MOST IMPORTANT MINUTES OF THE SEASON. 'Cause Bambi got sent home? For being personality deficient? I have to believe there is some other reason they won't tell us, like she's a Cuban terrorist or used to be a figure skater, because I don't see Wilhemina kicking off a girl in the second episode just because she can't interview well. That's something usually reserved for the last couple episodes. But maybe Wilhemina is bringing the smackdown. Maybe they're out to show that they're not some wussie Ford company, and they are running the show, not Tyra and Lauren.
Speaking of, how did I miss that Lauren Conrad is now a judge? And not such a bad one as all that, though I question her credentials, but who doesn't? Her entire schtick is "look at me being paid to do something I'm entirely unqualified to do." It's kind of sweet.
So then there's weird awkward scene where Tyra coins her new term "Smies" and comes out dressed in the most boring superhero costume ever. I mean, Tyra gets a chance to dress up and that's all we get? She then makes the girls dress up like Pink Trons, play DDR, and some creepy supercomputer judges the curvature of their eyes. That computer is dangerous. We should kill it.
Oh, and the DDR arcade is called the Fortress of Fierceness.
The girls are all sold off to be jockeys, cause short girls can't get modelling jobs. And they are forced by their new Brazilian midget overlords to take off their shirts and pose in wigs. I don't understand why, if Tyra wants the focus on their eyes, she would pose them naked with horses. The best part was when Norm the Jockey told one of the girls, clutched behind him topless and terrified, to "relax girl".
Mena Suvari won. Bianca almost got sent home for being a whiner, but instead they kicked off the cripple, because she quit, and nobody is more reviled than a cripple who quits.
Then that new vampire show, the one about the models, premiered. I don't know why they made this show, except maybe to prove Mischa isn't anorexic, since she's the fattest person in that cast. And none of the vampires bite people, or do soul searching, or fight demons, or anything. They just go out a lot at night and don't eat anything.
Oh Top Chef. The world constantly reminds me how perfect you are. For the quickfire, the viewers got to vote for a secret ingredient, and it was between cactus, snake, and kangaroo. I have no idea why mealworm wasn't on that list, but cactus won. Lonesome Dove Tim Love tortured the chefs with condescending cactus knowledge and bad western shirts. Kevin made a cactus marmalade! Ashley made a cactus jelly donut! Maybe Ashley doesn't completely suck!Mike I. (the douchebaggy one) won the 15, 000, and promptly spent it on Ed Hardy and sad older hookers.
For the Elimination, they dumped the chefs in the middle of the badlands and ordered them to cook food with only the bare essentials. Which were 12 grill pits, a mountain of cast iron, piles of plates, a full bar, a smoker. One of my friends watching it with me remarked "that's so much better than my kitchen already."But first they had to sleep in special tents all night and talk about how much they loved or hated camping, something so important to whether or not you deserve to win this show. Mike I. talked about how scared he was of cougars (we all know THATS not true), and the Haitian did some of that old black magic to keep out snakes, then sat by his tent all night calling down the spirits to defeat these colonial bastards.
Ever notice how sometimes Mattin sounds like Borat when he talks? Or that priest from the Princess Bride? I'mfwomtheBasquecounwy, soIknoweweything.
Poor little Church Mouse decided to make ceviche outside in the desert. In fact, an absurd number of people decided to make fish? And no one made steak. On a ranch. For ranchers. Where was Casey when we needed her? Mattin's ceviche was so bad, Tom threw it out. Robin's prawns were made of solid cakes of urinal chlorine. Everyone else was kind of boring, and then Bryan won because he made something kind of resembling steak. Mattin got sent home, and no one was surprised. We're just waiting for the rest of the cannon fodder to book it, so we can get down to a real competition here.
Speaking of, how did I miss that Lauren Conrad is now a judge? And not such a bad one as all that, though I question her credentials, but who doesn't? Her entire schtick is "look at me being paid to do something I'm entirely unqualified to do." It's kind of sweet.
So then there's weird awkward scene where Tyra coins her new term "Smies" and comes out dressed in the most boring superhero costume ever. I mean, Tyra gets a chance to dress up and that's all we get? She then makes the girls dress up like Pink Trons, play DDR, and some creepy supercomputer judges the curvature of their eyes. That computer is dangerous. We should kill it.
Oh, and the DDR arcade is called the Fortress of Fierceness.
The girls are all sold off to be jockeys, cause short girls can't get modelling jobs. And they are forced by their new Brazilian midget overlords to take off their shirts and pose in wigs. I don't understand why, if Tyra wants the focus on their eyes, she would pose them naked with horses. The best part was when Norm the Jockey told one of the girls, clutched behind him topless and terrified, to "relax girl".
Mena Suvari won. Bianca almost got sent home for being a whiner, but instead they kicked off the cripple, because she quit, and nobody is more reviled than a cripple who quits.
Then that new vampire show, the one about the models, premiered. I don't know why they made this show, except maybe to prove Mischa isn't anorexic, since she's the fattest person in that cast. And none of the vampires bite people, or do soul searching, or fight demons, or anything. They just go out a lot at night and don't eat anything.
Oh Top Chef. The world constantly reminds me how perfect you are. For the quickfire, the viewers got to vote for a secret ingredient, and it was between cactus, snake, and kangaroo. I have no idea why mealworm wasn't on that list, but cactus won. Lonesome Dove Tim Love tortured the chefs with condescending cactus knowledge and bad western shirts. Kevin made a cactus marmalade! Ashley made a cactus jelly donut! Maybe Ashley doesn't completely suck!Mike I. (the douchebaggy one) won the 15, 000, and promptly spent it on Ed Hardy and sad older hookers.
For the Elimination, they dumped the chefs in the middle of the badlands and ordered them to cook food with only the bare essentials. Which were 12 grill pits, a mountain of cast iron, piles of plates, a full bar, a smoker. One of my friends watching it with me remarked "that's so much better than my kitchen already."But first they had to sleep in special tents all night and talk about how much they loved or hated camping, something so important to whether or not you deserve to win this show. Mike I. talked about how scared he was of cougars (we all know THATS not true), and the Haitian did some of that old black magic to keep out snakes, then sat by his tent all night calling down the spirits to defeat these colonial bastards.
Ever notice how sometimes Mattin sounds like Borat when he talks? Or that priest from the Princess Bride? I'mfwomtheBasquecounwy, soIknoweweything.
Poor little Church Mouse decided to make ceviche outside in the desert. In fact, an absurd number of people decided to make fish? And no one made steak. On a ranch. For ranchers. Where was Casey when we needed her? Mattin's ceviche was so bad, Tom threw it out. Robin's prawns were made of solid cakes of urinal chlorine. Everyone else was kind of boring, and then Bryan won because he made something kind of resembling steak. Mattin got sent home, and no one was surprised. We're just waiting for the rest of the cannon fodder to book it, so we can get down to a real competition here.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Jennifer, My Jennifer
Alright, before I start babbling inanities about a tv show whose contestants have more talent in their paring knives then I have in my entire arsenal, let me babble a couple extra ones:
1. I did not want to start chronicling a goddamn tv show again. I remember how painful that Top Model cycle was. I recognize I am merely setting myself up for disappointment in the show and in myself. I can't stop myself. I like writing mean things about these people. I really really do.
2. I watched Glee before Top Chef came on, and it was awesome in a way that really draws in the old community theater side of me. I think because I despise that lead choir girl SO MUCH, it's actually cathartic. Then, a show choir doing a snazzy rendition of Winehouse's "Rehab". Then, a teacher blackmailing a student with weed. THEN Journey sang over and over and over. And the nervous guidance counselor looks like a cartoon squirrel! I'm going to have to get DVR finally, because then Lost is going to premier, and it will be the same time slot, and there was this dinner club thing I wanted to get into, and dancing? Oh Wednesdays. I don't know if I was actually born on a Wednesday, but I always liked you best in that rhyme "Wednesdays child is full of woe". Totally.
3. I made pot roast last night in the truest most orphan sense of the word. Like, I bought the cheapest meat I could, I filled a crockpot with split peas, meat, salt, pepper, and water. And I cooked it overnight. In the morning, the meat was great. The rest of the pot though contained what can only really be labelled porridge. Or mush? It was exactly what you would feed to destitute pickpockets if you owned a juvenile prison work camp in 19th century London.
I haven't thrown it out yet.
Okay, on to the topic at hand. How much does Jennifer rock on Top Chef? I mean, how obvious is it that they should give her the money right now? Last night was exhilarating, watching her run the kitchen and put tape on everything? They would have NEVER gotten anything done if it was not for her.
But first, Quickfire. Michael PEEL, who used to PEEL potatoes in some famous guy's kitchen, introduces the POTATO as the subject. The ultimate poor people food. I mean, I guess you can also make an argument for rice, but aren't they the same thing, really? They're filler. Sticky starchy stuff you can pile into your stomach to not notice you're only getting a tablespoon of goat or lamb or whatever. I was impressed by the variety of the potatoes they gave them. I mean, who's heard of a Russian Banana Fingerling before? It sounds like a sex act. Also, it seems sort of racist if you think about it. My great grandmother got off the boat in America, and tried to eat her first banana with the PEEL on. One can imagine an Allied soldier making some quip about Russians being so stupid they eat a potato raw like a banana. Or something. It's a valid theory.
So then everyone makes something with sweet potatoes, cause no one likes regular potatoes anyway unless they're fried. And Jennifer wins. And then leans over and sucks Ash's brains out like a fried prawn.
After that, everyone has little breakdowns. Jesse hits herself in the head with a water bottle, not understanding how to properly rehydrate herself. She almost gets it, it's near her head, but not quite. They get the next challenge, and Michael I. (who is quite possibly the biggest hanger on in the entire history of this competition) comes up with a strategy where he can pair himself with someone better. Like he has been doing his entire life. In the smartest decision of the night, they decide to hand the executive chef position to Jennifer since she has immunity. Jennifer humbly accepts, though quite frankly I thought it was kind of sucker for her since she didn't get to actually cook anything and thus stood no chance of winning. Plus then she didn't even let anyone throw themselves under the bus through their own stupidity, like she very well could have. Because she has PRIDE. Robots don't let humans fuck up.
In one of the strangest moments on Bravo ever, we discover the reason Preethi became a chef is because of 9/11? Apparently, the Twin Towers came down and she had an awakening that she need to cook eggplant for the rest of her life. I feel like she probably got a little screwed by the editing there. Maybe not.
So they cook a bunch of food for some Airforce guys and everyone cries just a little, and is overwhelmed and such. Michael V. has a fantastic idea to hand everyone fried slabs of bacon in a lettuce leaf, and he wins. I hope no one ever discovers that human belly is that good fried and smoked. No really. I hope that never happens.
Everything comes off almost seamlessly, because Jennifer puts the smackdown on the mortals.
Then comes one of the meanest eliminations I've ever seen on Top Chef. Which is not saying a lot, Tom is no Simon Cowell. But Mike I. gets all red like the shrimp he undercooked, and all blustery and blah blah blah. Preethi and Laurine cower like guilty little liars in church, knowing if they both say nothing, neither can get in trouble. But it fails. Preethi goes home, and Mike I. lives to suck Mike V.'s dick some more. Beta Male.
I've been formulating some theories about what might have gone down between Mike V. and Bryan V. 1) Mike slept with Bryan's girlfriend. 2)Bryan's wife hates Mike and Mike knows it. 3)Mike lived with mom and Bryan lived with dad. Maybe other way around. 4) Mike did some coke for a few months when he first moved to Vegas, and Bryan found out about it, and got Mike fired from his first restaurant job as a lesson to him.
1. I did not want to start chronicling a goddamn tv show again. I remember how painful that Top Model cycle was. I recognize I am merely setting myself up for disappointment in the show and in myself. I can't stop myself. I like writing mean things about these people. I really really do.
2. I watched Glee before Top Chef came on, and it was awesome in a way that really draws in the old community theater side of me. I think because I despise that lead choir girl SO MUCH, it's actually cathartic. Then, a show choir doing a snazzy rendition of Winehouse's "Rehab". Then, a teacher blackmailing a student with weed. THEN Journey sang over and over and over. And the nervous guidance counselor looks like a cartoon squirrel! I'm going to have to get DVR finally, because then Lost is going to premier, and it will be the same time slot, and there was this dinner club thing I wanted to get into, and dancing? Oh Wednesdays. I don't know if I was actually born on a Wednesday, but I always liked you best in that rhyme "Wednesdays child is full of woe". Totally.
3. I made pot roast last night in the truest most orphan sense of the word. Like, I bought the cheapest meat I could, I filled a crockpot with split peas, meat, salt, pepper, and water. And I cooked it overnight. In the morning, the meat was great. The rest of the pot though contained what can only really be labelled porridge. Or mush? It was exactly what you would feed to destitute pickpockets if you owned a juvenile prison work camp in 19th century London.
I haven't thrown it out yet.
Okay, on to the topic at hand. How much does Jennifer rock on Top Chef? I mean, how obvious is it that they should give her the money right now? Last night was exhilarating, watching her run the kitchen and put tape on everything? They would have NEVER gotten anything done if it was not for her.
But first, Quickfire. Michael PEEL, who used to PEEL potatoes in some famous guy's kitchen, introduces the POTATO as the subject. The ultimate poor people food. I mean, I guess you can also make an argument for rice, but aren't they the same thing, really? They're filler. Sticky starchy stuff you can pile into your stomach to not notice you're only getting a tablespoon of goat or lamb or whatever. I was impressed by the variety of the potatoes they gave them. I mean, who's heard of a Russian Banana Fingerling before? It sounds like a sex act. Also, it seems sort of racist if you think about it. My great grandmother got off the boat in America, and tried to eat her first banana with the PEEL on. One can imagine an Allied soldier making some quip about Russians being so stupid they eat a potato raw like a banana. Or something. It's a valid theory.
So then everyone makes something with sweet potatoes, cause no one likes regular potatoes anyway unless they're fried. And Jennifer wins. And then leans over and sucks Ash's brains out like a fried prawn.
After that, everyone has little breakdowns. Jesse hits herself in the head with a water bottle, not understanding how to properly rehydrate herself. She almost gets it, it's near her head, but not quite. They get the next challenge, and Michael I. (who is quite possibly the biggest hanger on in the entire history of this competition) comes up with a strategy where he can pair himself with someone better. Like he has been doing his entire life. In the smartest decision of the night, they decide to hand the executive chef position to Jennifer since she has immunity. Jennifer humbly accepts, though quite frankly I thought it was kind of sucker for her since she didn't get to actually cook anything and thus stood no chance of winning. Plus then she didn't even let anyone throw themselves under the bus through their own stupidity, like she very well could have. Because she has PRIDE. Robots don't let humans fuck up.
In one of the strangest moments on Bravo ever, we discover the reason Preethi became a chef is because of 9/11? Apparently, the Twin Towers came down and she had an awakening that she need to cook eggplant for the rest of her life. I feel like she probably got a little screwed by the editing there. Maybe not.
So they cook a bunch of food for some Airforce guys and everyone cries just a little, and is overwhelmed and such. Michael V. has a fantastic idea to hand everyone fried slabs of bacon in a lettuce leaf, and he wins. I hope no one ever discovers that human belly is that good fried and smoked. No really. I hope that never happens.
Everything comes off almost seamlessly, because Jennifer puts the smackdown on the mortals.
Then comes one of the meanest eliminations I've ever seen on Top Chef. Which is not saying a lot, Tom is no Simon Cowell. But Mike I. gets all red like the shrimp he undercooked, and all blustery and blah blah blah. Preethi and Laurine cower like guilty little liars in church, knowing if they both say nothing, neither can get in trouble. But it fails. Preethi goes home, and Mike I. lives to suck Mike V.'s dick some more. Beta Male.
I've been formulating some theories about what might have gone down between Mike V. and Bryan V. 1) Mike slept with Bryan's girlfriend. 2)Bryan's wife hates Mike and Mike knows it. 3)Mike lived with mom and Bryan lived with dad. Maybe other way around. 4) Mike did some coke for a few months when he first moved to Vegas, and Bryan found out about it, and got Mike fired from his first restaurant job as a lesson to him.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas: Hey Las Vegas, stop whining about how nobody acknowledges you as a dining scene. F-ing sick of that.
So I’m not gonna lie. Last week I watched the Top Chef Masters Finale, and then didn’t stick around for the premiere of Top Chef Las Vegas. There were extenuating circumstances. For instance, I was pissed at Hubert Keller not winning. And I didn’t like that blue dress Padma was wearing in the promos. Also, the first episode of every Top Chef season is the throw away episode. There are too many contestants, and some of them are real jerks, and nobody looks good by the end. After watching Bayless, Keller, and that Italian guy throw down, I wasn’t in the mood for botched scallops.
This week, thanks to the endless generosity of cable, the premiere was replayed and I watched the end. It was exactly as annoying as I thought it would be. There’s always that one really dreadful chef that just sticks out beyond the rest of the curds, and they get sent home, and then everyone prepares to buckle down. This time it was Seitan girl, forever known now as Seitan girl, which is gross. It makes me think of a really disgusting Japanese version of a sex doll.
We all knew Eve was going home this week. What was she doing there? She kept making these hapless loosie goosie faces, and cooking unappealing dated things. I’m sure she is a very nice girl. But nobody, except Jesse, was worried last night. Jesse is always worried. She needs to stop cooking chicken.
But maybe she just isn’t cut out to deal with this crowd, because it’s a very good crowd. I mean, there’s like 20, 25 James Beard nominees? And Jennifer, the dark blonde horse. My theory about Jennifer is that she’s the secret love child of Eric Ripert, and has worked her way up through his restaurants anonymously, to prove to her father she can make it on her own. She’s the seafood queen, but for realsies, not in that fake boasting way that one contestant always claims early on. Remember that guy? Who couldn’t skin an eel? Maybe Jennifer sold her soul to a talking Halibut. I'm not convinced that's not a Ripert family legacy anyway, talking halibuts, wish granting, inability to move your forehead muscles.
So Jennifer is one of my favorites. MIT Kevin, the relevant part of the Pickle Brothers, is next. I don’t understand that nickname, but it’s catchy and reminds me of Richard Scarey. I like Romulus and Remus, otherwise known as Brian and Michael, (otherwise known as “something dramatic and secret has happened to drive these two brothers apart, into distant cities, each striving against the dark shadows from their childhood through the art of food, one destined to kill the other in a distant future”). And finally, I have great hopes for Mattin, the small country mouse whose only dream is to work in the kitchens of the great Parisian chefs, and also to defeat the army of evil rats, and marry the princess.
I am a little disappointed that the cream rose to the top so fast this season (see the credit I'm giving myself?). But I appreciate the twists the producers have added, to bring out more bloodshed. The 15,000 dollar quick fires for example. Should be some good crying over medical bills and family obligations thanks to that shit. I guess they needed more incentive to bring in the better chefs? Also Gail’s new laser eyes are awesome.
Till Next Week.
This week, thanks to the endless generosity of cable, the premiere was replayed and I watched the end. It was exactly as annoying as I thought it would be. There’s always that one really dreadful chef that just sticks out beyond the rest of the curds, and they get sent home, and then everyone prepares to buckle down. This time it was Seitan girl, forever known now as Seitan girl, which is gross. It makes me think of a really disgusting Japanese version of a sex doll.
We all knew Eve was going home this week. What was she doing there? She kept making these hapless loosie goosie faces, and cooking unappealing dated things. I’m sure she is a very nice girl. But nobody, except Jesse, was worried last night. Jesse is always worried. She needs to stop cooking chicken.
But maybe she just isn’t cut out to deal with this crowd, because it’s a very good crowd. I mean, there’s like 20, 25 James Beard nominees? And Jennifer, the dark blonde horse. My theory about Jennifer is that she’s the secret love child of Eric Ripert, and has worked her way up through his restaurants anonymously, to prove to her father she can make it on her own. She’s the seafood queen, but for realsies, not in that fake boasting way that one contestant always claims early on. Remember that guy? Who couldn’t skin an eel? Maybe Jennifer sold her soul to a talking Halibut. I'm not convinced that's not a Ripert family legacy anyway, talking halibuts, wish granting, inability to move your forehead muscles.
So Jennifer is one of my favorites. MIT Kevin, the relevant part of the Pickle Brothers, is next. I don’t understand that nickname, but it’s catchy and reminds me of Richard Scarey. I like Romulus and Remus, otherwise known as Brian and Michael, (otherwise known as “something dramatic and secret has happened to drive these two brothers apart, into distant cities, each striving against the dark shadows from their childhood through the art of food, one destined to kill the other in a distant future”). And finally, I have great hopes for Mattin, the small country mouse whose only dream is to work in the kitchens of the great Parisian chefs, and also to defeat the army of evil rats, and marry the princess.
I am a little disappointed that the cream rose to the top so fast this season (see the credit I'm giving myself?). But I appreciate the twists the producers have added, to bring out more bloodshed. The 15,000 dollar quick fires for example. Should be some good crying over medical bills and family obligations thanks to that shit. I guess they needed more incentive to bring in the better chefs? Also Gail’s new laser eyes are awesome.
Till Next Week.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
It's Not Top Gumbo, Douchebag, it's Top Chef.
I know, no Top Chef Recap this week. First, because I was deathly ill for the last two days, and so I barely even acknowledged the show when it was on. And second, because there weren't really enough interesting things to write a whole entry about.
A short list:
- meeting up at the airport, Stefan asked Hosea if he learned how to cook while he was away.
- Emeril is either impossibly nice or impossibly evil. Either way, he's boring. I'd like to think you can't be that evil AND boring, but I suspect that's more often the case than not.
- Louisiana will always be known for gumbo, and that's never gonna change, and quite frankly, there's better stews to be had. Gumbo has never appealed to me, probably cause I don't eat bugs like those crazy jungle swamp dwelling Southerners.
- I blame this on the cold medication. I seriously considered writing a fanfic of zombie Padma rampaging in New Orleans, or vampire Padma in a kind of Anne Rice love triangle with Tom and Gail. Has Anne Rice ruined New Orleans forever? I say yes.
- Everyone did great, I guess. But it still feels like Stefan should have gone home and didn't.
- I felt really really sad for Fabio. The mohawk helped this, a little. I did cry for him, but in all fairness I also cried while watching the movie Wall Street yesterday, and I cried when someone made a dog fucking joke. I'm a crier when I'm sick.
- Carla not drinking at all accounts for a lot of her lucidity this past season.
Bonus List!
Things That Are Not the Same:
- watching the movie Serenity/watching the movie Serendipity
- Star Trek the next Generation/Star Trek Enterprise
- Charlie Sheen/John Cusack
- rose/rose`
-Canada Dry/Seagrams/Vernors
-tire flotation/tire rotation
-ANTM/ Make Me a Supermodel
A short list:
- meeting up at the airport, Stefan asked Hosea if he learned how to cook while he was away.
- Emeril is either impossibly nice or impossibly evil. Either way, he's boring. I'd like to think you can't be that evil AND boring, but I suspect that's more often the case than not.
- Louisiana will always be known for gumbo, and that's never gonna change, and quite frankly, there's better stews to be had. Gumbo has never appealed to me, probably cause I don't eat bugs like those crazy jungle swamp dwelling Southerners.
- I blame this on the cold medication. I seriously considered writing a fanfic of zombie Padma rampaging in New Orleans, or vampire Padma in a kind of Anne Rice love triangle with Tom and Gail. Has Anne Rice ruined New Orleans forever? I say yes.
- Everyone did great, I guess. But it still feels like Stefan should have gone home and didn't.
- I felt really really sad for Fabio. The mohawk helped this, a little. I did cry for him, but in all fairness I also cried while watching the movie Wall Street yesterday, and I cried when someone made a dog fucking joke. I'm a crier when I'm sick.
- Carla not drinking at all accounts for a lot of her lucidity this past season.
Bonus List!
Things That Are Not the Same:
- watching the movie Serenity/watching the movie Serendipity
- Star Trek the next Generation/Star Trek Enterprise
- Charlie Sheen/John Cusack
- rose/rose`
-Canada Dry/Seagrams/Vernors
-tire flotation/tire rotation
-ANTM/ Make Me a Supermodel
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Is It Supposed to Feel This Empty?
When last night’s episode ended, I immediately wanted to post a recap. Only one sentence: Thank you Tom for keeping Stefan.
But then I realized that a) it would be rude to abandon my friends for the computer immediately, and b) that’s not a very compelling commentary, although it pretty much sums up the episode. Oh, and c) I would miss the Daily Show. Plus d) I was pretty drunk at that point and should probably just finish my glass and go to bed and worry about my geeky little blog tomorrow.
So now I’m a bit more clear-headed, let’s see if I can make this a bit more interesting…
There’s only five chefs left; Leah (no), Hosea (double no), Stefan, Fabio, and Carla. I’m a little more excited about a finale with those last three than I’ve been through this entire season, but there’s no one I’m really rooting for. If any of those three win, I’m good. But first we have to get to the top three, which means Leah and Hosea have to go. Leah is easy to get rid of, but Hosea might prove a little more challenging, and I’ll be heartbroken if he beats Stefan. He’s always smirking around him, and saying snide little things, and even though he has a great “I love Padma” shirt, I really don’t think he’s good enough.
At this stage in the competition, the producers bring out the big culinary stars. Eric Ripert was the beginning last week, and this week they brought Wylie Dufresne out from the underground lab where he’s been hiding out, trying to animate a piece of broccoli. He transports himself to the Top Chef Kitchen, and materializes in his chosen costume of Comicon Director. Then he tells us, for the first of 14 times this episode, how much he loves eggs. God, Wylie loves eggs. He loves breakfast, he loves eggs, he loves eggshells, and he loves yolks and runniness. He dreams of ostrich, albatross, carrier pigeon eggs. He longs for the comfort of his own special birth egg, the warm darkness and the curve of the shell cold against his skin. Wylie has a thing for eggs.
So the chefs have to make an egg dish for him, and since he’s Mr. Wizard, they all try and do quick clever things. Except for Carla, who makes green eggs and ham? A lame little joke that has been done about five times on this show. But it must have been the best green eggs and ham ever, because it beats out Stefan’s “pretend poached egg” panna cotta with mango puree in the middle to simulate yolk. Anyway, she wins. The local viewing audience thinks this is pretty lame.
For the main challenge, every chef is assigned a famous culinary superstar and has to cook their requested last meal for them. Leah gets Wylie, who requests eggs benedict. Carla gets Jacque Pepin, and almost wets herself over peas and squab. All the meals are pretty simple in fact, shrimp scampi, roasted chicken. Who requests roasted chicken as their last meal?
The exciting things that happened are as follows:
- All the guest judges sit at a long table in an empty room, and get the weird Barbara Walters interview lighting treatment. Everyone has an aura. It’s annoying and distracting, and they probably did it because all the judges were so old.
- Fabio breaks his finger. He declines going to the hospital, saying that he will instead “chop it off, sear it on the flat top, and serve it.” He has a lot of trouble peeling potatoes, but pulls it through and actually wins the challenge. For his reward they give him a giant bottle of wine to pair with his painkillers. By the end of the episode, he’s so hopped up; he’s standing on chairs and yelling about immigrant achievements.
- Carla’s peas are apparently great, and now I want peas really badly.
- Leah makes her hollandaise too runny.
- Stefan overcooks his fish.
So the bottom two are Leah and Stefan, and those tricky editors, they really made me think it was over for the Great White Threat from the North. I mean, it was nothing but “wow the salmon was overcooked” and “I couldn’t even tell there were 2 kinds of spinach”. It looks really bad for him, and all of us in the room are sitting on the edge of our chairs, praying that it’s a trick and Leah goes home. The only glimmer of hope is when Tom decides to stand up for Stefan, apparently to thank us fans for putting up with the crap this season. I heard him say that, right before he asked the chefs to not embarrass him in front of Pepin.
Well, looks like Tom is really running the show, because finally Leah goes home, Stefan stays, the rooms screams in joy because we really like screaming at this show, and hope and joy is restored to the universe.
When this show is over, I’m totally going to start going to Prosperity Karaoke.
But then I realized that a) it would be rude to abandon my friends for the computer immediately, and b) that’s not a very compelling commentary, although it pretty much sums up the episode. Oh, and c) I would miss the Daily Show. Plus d) I was pretty drunk at that point and should probably just finish my glass and go to bed and worry about my geeky little blog tomorrow.
So now I’m a bit more clear-headed, let’s see if I can make this a bit more interesting…
There’s only five chefs left; Leah (no), Hosea (double no), Stefan, Fabio, and Carla. I’m a little more excited about a finale with those last three than I’ve been through this entire season, but there’s no one I’m really rooting for. If any of those three win, I’m good. But first we have to get to the top three, which means Leah and Hosea have to go. Leah is easy to get rid of, but Hosea might prove a little more challenging, and I’ll be heartbroken if he beats Stefan. He’s always smirking around him, and saying snide little things, and even though he has a great “I love Padma” shirt, I really don’t think he’s good enough.
At this stage in the competition, the producers bring out the big culinary stars. Eric Ripert was the beginning last week, and this week they brought Wylie Dufresne out from the underground lab where he’s been hiding out, trying to animate a piece of broccoli. He transports himself to the Top Chef Kitchen, and materializes in his chosen costume of Comicon Director. Then he tells us, for the first of 14 times this episode, how much he loves eggs. God, Wylie loves eggs. He loves breakfast, he loves eggs, he loves eggshells, and he loves yolks and runniness. He dreams of ostrich, albatross, carrier pigeon eggs. He longs for the comfort of his own special birth egg, the warm darkness and the curve of the shell cold against his skin. Wylie has a thing for eggs.
So the chefs have to make an egg dish for him, and since he’s Mr. Wizard, they all try and do quick clever things. Except for Carla, who makes green eggs and ham? A lame little joke that has been done about five times on this show. But it must have been the best green eggs and ham ever, because it beats out Stefan’s “pretend poached egg” panna cotta with mango puree in the middle to simulate yolk. Anyway, she wins. The local viewing audience thinks this is pretty lame.
For the main challenge, every chef is assigned a famous culinary superstar and has to cook their requested last meal for them. Leah gets Wylie, who requests eggs benedict. Carla gets Jacque Pepin, and almost wets herself over peas and squab. All the meals are pretty simple in fact, shrimp scampi, roasted chicken. Who requests roasted chicken as their last meal?
The exciting things that happened are as follows:
- All the guest judges sit at a long table in an empty room, and get the weird Barbara Walters interview lighting treatment. Everyone has an aura. It’s annoying and distracting, and they probably did it because all the judges were so old.
- Fabio breaks his finger. He declines going to the hospital, saying that he will instead “chop it off, sear it on the flat top, and serve it.” He has a lot of trouble peeling potatoes, but pulls it through and actually wins the challenge. For his reward they give him a giant bottle of wine to pair with his painkillers. By the end of the episode, he’s so hopped up; he’s standing on chairs and yelling about immigrant achievements.
- Carla’s peas are apparently great, and now I want peas really badly.
- Leah makes her hollandaise too runny.
- Stefan overcooks his fish.
So the bottom two are Leah and Stefan, and those tricky editors, they really made me think it was over for the Great White Threat from the North. I mean, it was nothing but “wow the salmon was overcooked” and “I couldn’t even tell there were 2 kinds of spinach”. It looks really bad for him, and all of us in the room are sitting on the edge of our chairs, praying that it’s a trick and Leah goes home. The only glimmer of hope is when Tom decides to stand up for Stefan, apparently to thank us fans for putting up with the crap this season. I heard him say that, right before he asked the chefs to not embarrass him in front of Pepin.
Well, looks like Tom is really running the show, because finally Leah goes home, Stefan stays, the rooms screams in joy because we really like screaming at this show, and hope and joy is restored to the universe.
When this show is over, I’m totally going to start going to Prosperity Karaoke.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Fire On The Mountain Top, or How Jamie Learned To Love The Bomb
Last night, the chefs gathered as salt seasoned supplicants at the foothills of the Throne of the Seafood King of New York. First the novices tasted the glories of the Seafood King. Then they were led, blindfolded, into the warm inner mountain, where for centuries the stone has smelled of butter candles and garlic, the Michelin stars glittering on the cavern ceilings. Then they were asked to recreate these dishes for the Master*. This would allow the Master and his Disciples to determine the true level of focus, dedication, and loyalty of the novice. One by one, the dishes came out, and he of the flowing gray locks made no noise, but crinkled his eyes or turned up his nose, single gestures that determined the novice's entire future.
And the lesson for today is: Jamie, why the snarky attititude? You know nobody fucks with Eric Ripert and wins.
So Jamie was decapitated and her head mounted on the temple walls, as a lesson to anyone who might dare to call his food "too simple".
*sidenote: when you google 'monk of highest order", there is a wiki article someone wrote about themselves which is hilarious, not to mention about 9 million forum users arguing amongst themselves.
And the lesson for today is: Jamie, why the snarky attititude? You know nobody fucks with Eric Ripert and wins.
So Jamie was decapitated and her head mounted on the temple walls, as a lesson to anyone who might dare to call his food "too simple".
*sidenote: when you google 'monk of highest order", there is a wiki article someone wrote about themselves which is hilarious, not to mention about 9 million forum users arguing amongst themselves.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Top Chef: The Last Battle Approaches
One of the weirdest aspects of this show is, like all reality shows, that the episodes are not showing in real time. When they were showing the Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes, it was the middle of summer. A little disconcerting for the chefs I’m sure, but here’s the real question; did Hosea and Leah tell their significant others about cheating on them when they got home? Or did they wait 3 months until the show aired?
The consequences of their weird middle school indiscretions have taken their toll on the pair. Leah especially seems to have been skinned and turned inside out. She’s become quiet, subdued, and much more focused on just doing the challenge. It turns out guilt might actually work for her. Hosea, on the other hand, is just as perky, but his dishes seemed to suffer for it. I was really starting to think Hosea might eek it out to the end, but as C. suggested, maybe cooking is like boxing. You’re not supposed to fuck before the fight.
This was the first episode of the end of the season. All the chaff has been separated, and we’re left with the wheat, for better or worse. I became aware of this shift when I realized I kinda liked every chef that was left. I mean, there isn’t anyone I hate or think is so un-talented that the casting execs should be brutalized viciously for letting them walk on set.
Carla officially won over the peanut gallery last night, as adult professional behavior tends to do when your other choice is watching 2 idiots naively ruin their home lives. Seriously, CAMERAS. Why would you ever do something like that? It’s not even like they got it on, all they did was make out. Since when is making out worth humiliating your girlfriend or boyfriend like that? I understand when weird MySpace whores do it, but you guys are supposed to be career professionals. Oh well, enough of that. I’m done judging.
Ha! Like hell I am.
So last night’s episode was all Super Bowl themed, which would be weird anyway without the fact that it was filmed in August. The Quickfire challenge was some football bingo thing, where there’s this chart with unknown random numbers on the x and y, and everyone signs up for a random square. Then during the game, you use the score somehow to see who won? I have no idea how this works, but I should probably learn, because I just bought two boxes on the office game. I have never heard of this before, but apparently it’s big enough that Top Chef can expect their Bravo watching, sea salt buying audience to know what it is. Whatever, its reverse battleship.
So the chefs randomly picked a food item, and then everyone got Oats, because this was a fixed game and everyone was going to use Oats since Quaker Oats is the corporate sponsor who keeps Padma’s skin so refreshingly soft. It pains me that when people think oatmeal, they think of those oats. There are so many other great brands of oats out there. Quaker Oats is like Band-aids and Listerine, they’ve got it and no one is taking it away, despite the fact that Quaker Oats leave this weird oat flavored water behind when you cook them. The chefs have to create a dish using Oats, a challenge Jeff affectionately calls “oat crazy”. Jeff fails at this by the way. Jeff looks really defeated or really stoned, or both. We wonder if maybe Jeff has been smoking with Padma in the back, and maybe this is really Bravo’s strategy for keeping the eliminations interesting, pick one sacrificial guy who Padma seduces with drugs and booty, and then distracts into oblivion….
Also we learn that Fabio killed the Guest Judge’s brother. Or something like that. Cause that guy hates Fabio.
The main challenge is way more interesting. They bring back all these old Top Chef contestants, and they pit them head to head with the Season 5 guys. It’s all football themed, but who cares, the important thing is ANDREW CAME BACK. Andrew tells Season 5 they better watch out because he’s going to “stomp them” and then he will be “peeing on your bodies”.
At this point S. has this to say about Andrew, “I don’t care if he rubs his penis raw with sandpaper and dips it in a cocaine bath, he’s the best.”
Okay, so the first match up is Leah vs. my old arch nemesis Nikki. Who I seriously confused with the late Ariane from this season, cause I was all “goddamnit, they just got rid of her, why is she back?” They are the same evil witch. Leah and her Hormones win.
Next Hosea vs. Miguel, otherwise known as “Chunk”. Miguel is a small lead poisoned child. Hosea wins.
Cut to Andrew playing with live crawfish like a cat.
Carla vs. someone I don’t remember and she wins. Oh, that’s right, it was ANDREW.
Stefan vs. Andrea. Stefan makes googly eyes at her, she returned the favor by cooking his eyes in a chili and serving them to him. Andrea wins.
Cut to Andrew bashing Stefan in a really funny way but I can’t remember what he said and for some reason no one posted it in any of their recaps, so it will remain a secret. And yes, there are multiple Top chef recaps. There is an army of them. I am a cog in a giant secret weird product placement machine.
Cut to Stefan saying “I’m a douche bag”, and this elevates to best episode ever.
Cut to a screen shot of the scoreboard they’re using in the back room: Top Chef, 34; Douches, 26.
Jamie vs. Camille who doesn’t ever talk and never gets featured and I guess her restaurant burned down which is really sad cause I think Camille is probably the coolest person in real life. Jamie wins.
Jeff vs. Josie. Josie the floppy overly happy not very talented. Josie who makes a HOT ceviche vs. Jeff’s COLD ceviche. And Josie wins. Which means Jeff deserves to go home.
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate Jeff. His steely eyes. His perfect blonde hair. The fact that he worked at the Dildo Club in Miami…..
Finally it’s Fabio vs. Spike the Scary Man in the Really Bad Hat. Fabio loses to the judges, but wins the field goal (you don’t want to know), and pulls it out for Season 5.
Judges Table: Carla wins. Jamie impersonates Olivia Newton John with a gold forehead band. The Guest Judge takes Fabio’s heart, makes a tartar, and serves it to Toby Young with a nice Shiraz, insult to injury since of course all the best red wines come from Italy. Then Guest Judge makes Toby throw it back up again, whisks in some play-doh, puts it back in his chest, and tells Fabio to fuck himself. Stefan sits in the back room, playing with a lighter and either contemplating burning the place down or getting really mellow. And Jeff goes home…looking like the little boy who’s new Christmas bicycle just got run over by a milk truck.
The End.
The consequences of their weird middle school indiscretions have taken their toll on the pair. Leah especially seems to have been skinned and turned inside out. She’s become quiet, subdued, and much more focused on just doing the challenge. It turns out guilt might actually work for her. Hosea, on the other hand, is just as perky, but his dishes seemed to suffer for it. I was really starting to think Hosea might eek it out to the end, but as C. suggested, maybe cooking is like boxing. You’re not supposed to fuck before the fight.
This was the first episode of the end of the season. All the chaff has been separated, and we’re left with the wheat, for better or worse. I became aware of this shift when I realized I kinda liked every chef that was left. I mean, there isn’t anyone I hate or think is so un-talented that the casting execs should be brutalized viciously for letting them walk on set.
Carla officially won over the peanut gallery last night, as adult professional behavior tends to do when your other choice is watching 2 idiots naively ruin their home lives. Seriously, CAMERAS. Why would you ever do something like that? It’s not even like they got it on, all they did was make out. Since when is making out worth humiliating your girlfriend or boyfriend like that? I understand when weird MySpace whores do it, but you guys are supposed to be career professionals. Oh well, enough of that. I’m done judging.
Ha! Like hell I am.
So last night’s episode was all Super Bowl themed, which would be weird anyway without the fact that it was filmed in August. The Quickfire challenge was some football bingo thing, where there’s this chart with unknown random numbers on the x and y, and everyone signs up for a random square. Then during the game, you use the score somehow to see who won? I have no idea how this works, but I should probably learn, because I just bought two boxes on the office game. I have never heard of this before, but apparently it’s big enough that Top Chef can expect their Bravo watching, sea salt buying audience to know what it is. Whatever, its reverse battleship.
So the chefs randomly picked a food item, and then everyone got Oats, because this was a fixed game and everyone was going to use Oats since Quaker Oats is the corporate sponsor who keeps Padma’s skin so refreshingly soft. It pains me that when people think oatmeal, they think of those oats. There are so many other great brands of oats out there. Quaker Oats is like Band-aids and Listerine, they’ve got it and no one is taking it away, despite the fact that Quaker Oats leave this weird oat flavored water behind when you cook them. The chefs have to create a dish using Oats, a challenge Jeff affectionately calls “oat crazy”. Jeff fails at this by the way. Jeff looks really defeated or really stoned, or both. We wonder if maybe Jeff has been smoking with Padma in the back, and maybe this is really Bravo’s strategy for keeping the eliminations interesting, pick one sacrificial guy who Padma seduces with drugs and booty, and then distracts into oblivion….
Also we learn that Fabio killed the Guest Judge’s brother. Or something like that. Cause that guy hates Fabio.
The main challenge is way more interesting. They bring back all these old Top Chef contestants, and they pit them head to head with the Season 5 guys. It’s all football themed, but who cares, the important thing is ANDREW CAME BACK. Andrew tells Season 5 they better watch out because he’s going to “stomp them” and then he will be “peeing on your bodies”.
At this point S. has this to say about Andrew, “I don’t care if he rubs his penis raw with sandpaper and dips it in a cocaine bath, he’s the best.”
Okay, so the first match up is Leah vs. my old arch nemesis Nikki. Who I seriously confused with the late Ariane from this season, cause I was all “goddamnit, they just got rid of her, why is she back?” They are the same evil witch. Leah and her Hormones win.
Next Hosea vs. Miguel, otherwise known as “Chunk”. Miguel is a small lead poisoned child. Hosea wins.
Cut to Andrew playing with live crawfish like a cat.
Carla vs. someone I don’t remember and she wins. Oh, that’s right, it was ANDREW.
Stefan vs. Andrea. Stefan makes googly eyes at her, she returned the favor by cooking his eyes in a chili and serving them to him. Andrea wins.
Cut to Andrew bashing Stefan in a really funny way but I can’t remember what he said and for some reason no one posted it in any of their recaps, so it will remain a secret. And yes, there are multiple Top chef recaps. There is an army of them. I am a cog in a giant secret weird product placement machine.
Cut to Stefan saying “I’m a douche bag”, and this elevates to best episode ever.
Cut to a screen shot of the scoreboard they’re using in the back room: Top Chef, 34; Douches, 26.
Jamie vs. Camille who doesn’t ever talk and never gets featured and I guess her restaurant burned down which is really sad cause I think Camille is probably the coolest person in real life. Jamie wins.
Jeff vs. Josie. Josie the floppy overly happy not very talented. Josie who makes a HOT ceviche vs. Jeff’s COLD ceviche. And Josie wins. Which means Jeff deserves to go home.
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate Jeff. His steely eyes. His perfect blonde hair. The fact that he worked at the Dildo Club in Miami…..
Finally it’s Fabio vs. Spike the Scary Man in the Really Bad Hat. Fabio loses to the judges, but wins the field goal (you don’t want to know), and pulls it out for Season 5.
Judges Table: Carla wins. Jamie impersonates Olivia Newton John with a gold forehead band. The Guest Judge takes Fabio’s heart, makes a tartar, and serves it to Toby Young with a nice Shiraz, insult to injury since of course all the best red wines come from Italy. Then Guest Judge makes Toby throw it back up again, whisks in some play-doh, puts it back in his chest, and tells Fabio to fuck himself. Stefan sits in the back room, playing with a lighter and either contemplating burning the place down or getting really mellow. And Jeff goes home…looking like the little boy who’s new Christmas bicycle just got run over by a milk truck.
The End.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Things We Lost in the War
So last night was rather exciting wasn’t it?
First the mysterious restaurateur appears and challenges the contestants to create a tasting of their best dish for him, in order to decide their fate in the upcoming Restaurant Wars, which have ALREADY HAPPENED. Radhika discovers the cast is caught in a time loop* where every 30 minutes their lives reset, and the accomplishments of the past challenges mean nothing to them. Sawyer wants to go back to the beach to find some fresh red snapper cause the stuff he has now is rancid, but wannabe Neil Patrick Harris/Daniel Faraday, with his notebook of secret recipes involving Dr. Pepper, insists there is no changing fate. The fish will remain spoiled. The Top Chef is already among us, and there is no changing the timeline no matter how many times you bang on the pantry door. Poor Radhika has no choice but to accept the leadership of her team, knowing that her fate is to be eliminated because the Man Who Doesn’t Age came and told her, she has to be eliminated in order to save the Top Chef, and in the process she must bring back the chefs who have left the island, to stop the time skip.
The Restaurant Wars went forward, and it was akin to watching a reenactment of a textbook, exciting in a way because we remember it from past seasons, but sorrowful and frustrating nonetheless, knowing the outcome as we did. Bittersweet since the players were aware of their fate. Of course the plane is going to crash and Radhika will be shot in the leg, and there were far too many Pier One metal giraffes being used. Faraday sees that Jamie has started to suffer the effects of prolonged exposure to the time loop, but tells no one since he doesn’t want to frighten them until he knows for certain. If I had to guess, I would say the first casualties of the brain scarring will be those who have ingested too much seafood (scallops), the mercury in their system acting as a poison magnified by the island’s wormhole.
Faraday alerts Fabio (trapped in the pantry by being unable to read the English exit sign) that he alone is special, and will need to go back to Italy to find his mother, who apparently knows more about time traveling cheese than anyone else. Years later Fabio will remember this as a bad dream, disguise himself as a spy, and try to lure Penny’s father into his trap, disguised as a generic restaurant with too many tea lights. However Penny’s father is too busy building an unholy alliance with Stefan, as they recognize their common enemy in Hosea. They recruit Leah as their serpent, to entice Hosea. to destroy his morality, and turn him to the Dark Side. Oh, then Leah and Hosea make out and it's gross and they totally act like twelve year olds about it.
The best chefs, the ones that have escaped and moved on to careers in New York (or mental institutions, or downward spirals), need to go back to the kitchen; this cycle will not stop unless Padma can get them back there to save the others, and themselves. Fate once again conspires to bring them together – Kate to save her child, Andrew to redeem his squirreliness, and the others just because all the bodies/actual talents need to be together at the even horizon, or Gladware** will discontinue their sponsorship since the viewing audience of this season is dropping like flies. Will Sayid kill them all with tricky kitchen appliances? And if they do not return, will the world end in 70 hours?
Probably. And the scallops will take over forever. Scallops are the new cockroaches.
The Restaurant Wars went forward, and it was akin to watching a reenactment of a textbook, exciting in a way because we remember it from past seasons, but sorrowful and frustrating nonetheless, knowing the outcome as we did. Bittersweet since the players were aware of their fate. Of course the plane is going to crash and Radhika will be shot in the leg, and there were far too many Pier One metal giraffes being used. Faraday sees that Jamie has started to suffer the effects of prolonged exposure to the time loop, but tells no one since he doesn’t want to frighten them until he knows for certain. If I had to guess, I would say the first casualties of the brain scarring will be those who have ingested too much seafood (scallops), the mercury in their system acting as a poison magnified by the island’s wormhole.
Faraday alerts Fabio (trapped in the pantry by being unable to read the English exit sign) that he alone is special, and will need to go back to Italy to find his mother, who apparently knows more about time traveling cheese than anyone else. Years later Fabio will remember this as a bad dream, disguise himself as a spy, and try to lure Penny’s father into his trap, disguised as a generic restaurant with too many tea lights. However Penny’s father is too busy building an unholy alliance with Stefan, as they recognize their common enemy in Hosea. They recruit Leah as their serpent, to entice Hosea. to destroy his morality, and turn him to the Dark Side. Oh, then Leah and Hosea make out and it's gross and they totally act like twelve year olds about it.
The best chefs, the ones that have escaped and moved on to careers in New York (or mental institutions, or downward spirals), need to go back to the kitchen; this cycle will not stop unless Padma can get them back there to save the others, and themselves. Fate once again conspires to bring them together – Kate to save her child, Andrew to redeem his squirreliness, and the others just because all the bodies/actual talents need to be together at the even horizon, or Gladware** will discontinue their sponsorship since the viewing audience of this season is dropping like flies. Will Sayid kill them all with tricky kitchen appliances? And if they do not return, will the world end in 70 hours?
Probably. And the scallops will take over forever. Scallops are the new cockroaches.
*I'm sorry, did you NOT KNOW IT WAS A TIME MACHINE? ARE YOU THICK?
**Otherwise known as The Dharma Initiative, inventors of the scallop.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Remember Lisa?
Okay, so remember last season, when Lisa made it to the Top 4? And your blood boiled every time you saw her, your teeth gnashed, the little unborn babies in your ovaries cried and wailed in nightmarish terror that she might actually win out of sheer demonic influence?
Well, this season hasn’t given us many people to root for, but it certainly gave us someone to hate: Arianne, Aryan, New Jersey Cougar Housewife.
I understand that it’s not fair to hate her as a person, and mock her looks and be mean. But it’s TV, and it stops me from making fun of you, so let’s just accept that I’m a terrible person and move on. I do need to point out that my hatred (and my Top Chef Cronies’ hatred) stems from the fact she just didn’t impress us as having anymore talent in the kitchen than us. I mean, she won a couple challenges, fine. But she won every time for her ability to cook meat. Only meat. Not even the sauces or accompanying sides. And there are meat thermometers for that. Otherwise, she sucked. And she really, really liked the Today show.
Ironically, it was also her down fall last night, when she took an innocent baby lamb and beat it within an inch of its afterlife, after butchering it with the talent of a Sasquatch tearing apart a polar bear. And the new judge Toby won me over by being her executor, excusing all ass-isms he may utter from now on. When they announced her departure, we all screamed in exultation so loud, we actually woke up S.
Unfortunately, now that she’s gone, who’s the villain? Smug Boyfriend Stealing Leah? It’s just not as satisfying.
I’ll spare you the long recap of the challenges last night. The Quickfire was “make a dish out of canned pantry items”, and one of the items was canned conch, which I didn’t even know existed. The Elimination Challenge was to go to this farm/commune/restaurant place called Blue Hill that anyone who reads the NYT Food Section knows is where NY City Foodies go to jerk off onto suckling pig faces, and then learn to butcher them. So they had to create a menu of “seasonal items”. Whatever, boring. Boring food. Boring challenge. So boring in fact, that the Chicken Team won. Chicken. The most boring protein ever. Whatever, I don’t even remember who won specifically, just that Carla, Jamie and Stefan were in the top three and the judges hated everyone else.
So I think the time has come to figure out who I like for the finale. Usually at this point in the competition, I’ve got my favorites completely figured out. But it’s taken a long time this season, because no one has really wowed me, and none of them are very likeable. I mean, Hung and Marcel and Stephen, they were all mad scientists, culinary artists. They aspired to be anyway. I feel like these guys just aspire to stay employed. Anyway, here we go with my guesses…
Top 4: Jamie, Carla, Stefan, Fabio.
Possible substitution: Hosea (but I think he’s going to shoot himself in the face here soon.)
Those top 4 seem to have the most common sense and talent here. I’d love to put Radhika up there, but I just have a premonition she’s going to do something wrong. When she messes up, it’s usually bad flavor combination and nothing gets you out faster. I’ll guess her death sentence will be “too much salt”. Carla, ie Fraggle Rock Girl, has won me over so I think she’ll make Top 4, but not Top 3. That will be Jamie, Stefan, and Fabio. They have all demonstrated they have consistent technique and a wide flavor vocabulary. However if Jamie makes another scallop, I will be very very very very very disappointed.
There have been so many scallops murdered in the making of this season, they should be put on the endangered species list. I should make a Top Chef “Save the Scallops” t-shirt.
"Oh, the bivalvity!"
Well, this season hasn’t given us many people to root for, but it certainly gave us someone to hate: Arianne, Aryan, New Jersey Cougar Housewife.
I understand that it’s not fair to hate her as a person, and mock her looks and be mean. But it’s TV, and it stops me from making fun of you, so let’s just accept that I’m a terrible person and move on. I do need to point out that my hatred (and my Top Chef Cronies’ hatred) stems from the fact she just didn’t impress us as having anymore talent in the kitchen than us. I mean, she won a couple challenges, fine. But she won every time for her ability to cook meat. Only meat. Not even the sauces or accompanying sides. And there are meat thermometers for that. Otherwise, she sucked. And she really, really liked the Today show.
Ironically, it was also her down fall last night, when she took an innocent baby lamb and beat it within an inch of its afterlife, after butchering it with the talent of a Sasquatch tearing apart a polar bear. And the new judge Toby won me over by being her executor, excusing all ass-isms he may utter from now on. When they announced her departure, we all screamed in exultation so loud, we actually woke up S.
Unfortunately, now that she’s gone, who’s the villain? Smug Boyfriend Stealing Leah? It’s just not as satisfying.
I’ll spare you the long recap of the challenges last night. The Quickfire was “make a dish out of canned pantry items”, and one of the items was canned conch, which I didn’t even know existed. The Elimination Challenge was to go to this farm/commune/restaurant place called Blue Hill that anyone who reads the NYT Food Section knows is where NY City Foodies go to jerk off onto suckling pig faces, and then learn to butcher them. So they had to create a menu of “seasonal items”. Whatever, boring. Boring food. Boring challenge. So boring in fact, that the Chicken Team won. Chicken. The most boring protein ever. Whatever, I don’t even remember who won specifically, just that Carla, Jamie and Stefan were in the top three and the judges hated everyone else.
So I think the time has come to figure out who I like for the finale. Usually at this point in the competition, I’ve got my favorites completely figured out. But it’s taken a long time this season, because no one has really wowed me, and none of them are very likeable. I mean, Hung and Marcel and Stephen, they were all mad scientists, culinary artists. They aspired to be anyway. I feel like these guys just aspire to stay employed. Anyway, here we go with my guesses…
Top 4: Jamie, Carla, Stefan, Fabio.
Possible substitution: Hosea (but I think he’s going to shoot himself in the face here soon.)
Those top 4 seem to have the most common sense and talent here. I’d love to put Radhika up there, but I just have a premonition she’s going to do something wrong. When she messes up, it’s usually bad flavor combination and nothing gets you out faster. I’ll guess her death sentence will be “too much salt”. Carla, ie Fraggle Rock Girl, has won me over so I think she’ll make Top 4, but not Top 3. That will be Jamie, Stefan, and Fabio. They have all demonstrated they have consistent technique and a wide flavor vocabulary. However if Jamie makes another scallop, I will be very very very very very disappointed.
There have been so many scallops murdered in the making of this season, they should be put on the endangered species list. I should make a Top Chef “Save the Scallops” t-shirt.
"Oh, the bivalvity!"
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Top Chef Recap - "I eat cat food like you for breakfast", "wait, you eat cat food?"
Alright, so we’ve had a few weeks off from Top Chef. The last episode was that weird Christmas challenge thing, where even the producers were so fed up with this current crop, they had to bring in some of the old vets in a desperate attempt to keep their audience around. Unfortunately, it backfired. Seeing Marcel and The One Ball Giant, heck even overly ambitious Red, made me long for the days when Top Chef dishes impressed me and made me want to buy exotic kitchenware.
Oh, back to the grind with the Kindergarten Chefs this week. And darling Gayle of the Loud Print is gone on her honeymoon, so now we get Mr. Toby “I practice my bon mots in front of my mirror every night before I masturbate” Young. Supposedly some people in England have heard of him, at least one of the European Chefs knew his name. But everyone else was like “who?”, and then pretended to be very scared. Scared? Of that guy? Any guy who says douchy things like “this dish is like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder” is obviously a nerd who wants to be a bully. Exactly the type of bully who only needs to be stood up to in order to deflate and send crying home to Mommy. You, Mr. Young, are reminiscent of a 80s teen angst movie villain, superficial and laughable.
I mean, seriously, “weapons of mass destruction” in the crab bisque? Whatever.
What we need is to get Anthony Bourdain and Young in the same room together, and give them some raw pork to critique.
Moving on to the tailspin that is this season…the Quickfire challenge is some Diet Dr. Pepper fiasco. Make desserts without sugar, and also yes please, use Dr. Pepper. Earning a little love in my heart, most of the chefs decline that tempting offer. Except for New Jersey Cougar, who probably believes Wal-Mart is run by nice people, unions are bad, and American Idol is entertaining. Nightmare Sally built a bread pudding out of wet snail flesh she conjured from beyond the grave, and the French guest judge loved it, because the French love wet snail bread pudding (it’s a provincial specialty).
Then the Elimination Challenge (after a few more Sidekick close-ups and Aryan the Cougar (see, that’s her REAL first name) running around hopped up on 23 Flavors).
Everyone gets to cook a signature dish, family style, and the judges will blindly taste and be judgy, while the chefs look on from another room. Oh, and they broke the chefs in half, so while Team A’s dishes were being judged, Team B were judges, and vice versa. The contestants get to watch whatever nasty things their subpar cohorts have to say about them. It all seemed very high school to me, until I realized what Top Chef was REALLY doing….
See, I think every adult involved with the production of this show, judges to cameramen, realize they have a problem here. None of these chefs are even half good enough to really win. None of them compare to past winners. I’m betting the casting department has already been fired. SO, since they were all so frustrated with the quality of dishes (especially Tom Tom), they tried to be instructional. See, watch us in real time eat your crap and listen to what we have to say. Learn from us.
The ruse became obvious when at judges table, Padma kept asking them if they learned anything from watching the critiques. And someone else made a comment about how hopefully the chefs will see what they keep doing wrong and fix it.
So, and I forgot if it was B. or C. that said this, instead of finding Top Chef, now they’re trying to BUILD Top Chef.
But Bravo’s breaking the cardinal rule of cooking: “start with good ingredients.” As Marcel points out in my new Top Chef cookbook that S. gave me last night that is totally awesome, if the ingredients are good, you don’t even need to cook them, they taste great on their own. Most of these current cheese balls are beyond their expiration date, and the few that looked tasty are quickly approaching Toss Day.
Conclusion: Muppet Janice and Gene the Latin King both got kicked off. One because fish tacos are kind of lame, and the other because nobody in their right mind thinks daikon and tomato basil sauce go well together.
At least we know that Toby Young feeds his cat well, since apparently he cooks him spicy fish filets every night. That’s one (very small) point in his favor. And Fraggle Rock Carla won me over with her incredibly adult sensible response to the criticism of her dish, which saved her from going home. All the chefs should be able to respond like that, all the time, like serious professionals. This is not, after all, Rock of Love Charm School.
Edit: From Tom's blog on BravoTv.com
"As an aside, I think this was a good introduction to Toby. He's exceptionally witty and thought at first that he was being called on as a judge to use that wit and take potshots at the chefs, but he quickly realized that they were all very serious-minded about their food and about this competition, and he switched gears and began assessing the food in earnest. He's fun to work with and I know you'll enjoy him as the season progresses."
Maybe Toby didn't realize this wasn't Rock of Love either.
So we'll see...
Oh, back to the grind with the Kindergarten Chefs this week. And darling Gayle of the Loud Print is gone on her honeymoon, so now we get Mr. Toby “I practice my bon mots in front of my mirror every night before I masturbate” Young. Supposedly some people in England have heard of him, at least one of the European Chefs knew his name. But everyone else was like “who?”, and then pretended to be very scared. Scared? Of that guy? Any guy who says douchy things like “this dish is like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder” is obviously a nerd who wants to be a bully. Exactly the type of bully who only needs to be stood up to in order to deflate and send crying home to Mommy. You, Mr. Young, are reminiscent of a 80s teen angst movie villain, superficial and laughable.
I mean, seriously, “weapons of mass destruction” in the crab bisque? Whatever.
What we need is to get Anthony Bourdain and Young in the same room together, and give them some raw pork to critique.
Moving on to the tailspin that is this season…the Quickfire challenge is some Diet Dr. Pepper fiasco. Make desserts without sugar, and also yes please, use Dr. Pepper. Earning a little love in my heart, most of the chefs decline that tempting offer. Except for New Jersey Cougar, who probably believes Wal-Mart is run by nice people, unions are bad, and American Idol is entertaining. Nightmare Sally built a bread pudding out of wet snail flesh she conjured from beyond the grave, and the French guest judge loved it, because the French love wet snail bread pudding (it’s a provincial specialty).
Then the Elimination Challenge (after a few more Sidekick close-ups and Aryan the Cougar (see, that’s her REAL first name) running around hopped up on 23 Flavors).
Everyone gets to cook a signature dish, family style, and the judges will blindly taste and be judgy, while the chefs look on from another room. Oh, and they broke the chefs in half, so while Team A’s dishes were being judged, Team B were judges, and vice versa. The contestants get to watch whatever nasty things their subpar cohorts have to say about them. It all seemed very high school to me, until I realized what Top Chef was REALLY doing….
See, I think every adult involved with the production of this show, judges to cameramen, realize they have a problem here. None of these chefs are even half good enough to really win. None of them compare to past winners. I’m betting the casting department has already been fired. SO, since they were all so frustrated with the quality of dishes (especially Tom Tom), they tried to be instructional. See, watch us in real time eat your crap and listen to what we have to say. Learn from us.
The ruse became obvious when at judges table, Padma kept asking them if they learned anything from watching the critiques. And someone else made a comment about how hopefully the chefs will see what they keep doing wrong and fix it.
So, and I forgot if it was B. or C. that said this, instead of finding Top Chef, now they’re trying to BUILD Top Chef.
But Bravo’s breaking the cardinal rule of cooking: “start with good ingredients.” As Marcel points out in my new Top Chef cookbook that S. gave me last night that is totally awesome, if the ingredients are good, you don’t even need to cook them, they taste great on their own. Most of these current cheese balls are beyond their expiration date, and the few that looked tasty are quickly approaching Toss Day.
Conclusion: Muppet Janice and Gene the Latin King both got kicked off. One because fish tacos are kind of lame, and the other because nobody in their right mind thinks daikon and tomato basil sauce go well together.
At least we know that Toby Young feeds his cat well, since apparently he cooks him spicy fish filets every night. That’s one (very small) point in his favor. And Fraggle Rock Carla won me over with her incredibly adult sensible response to the criticism of her dish, which saved her from going home. All the chefs should be able to respond like that, all the time, like serious professionals. This is not, after all, Rock of Love Charm School.
Edit: From Tom's blog on BravoTv.com
"As an aside, I think this was a good introduction to Toby. He's exceptionally witty and thought at first that he was being called on as a judge to use that wit and take potshots at the chefs, but he quickly realized that they were all very serious-minded about their food and about this competition, and he switched gears and began assessing the food in earnest. He's fun to work with and I know you'll enjoy him as the season progresses."
Maybe Toby didn't realize this wasn't Rock of Love either.
So we'll see...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Top Chef Recap: Christmas is a season for forgiveness. And judgement.
So on my way home from work today, I heard an NPR story about something wicked in South Africa. Like, remember how AIDS is a big problem in Africa and all? Well, part of the drug therapy treatment they prescribe regularly to victims is a drug called Sustiva, also known as Efavirenz. This drug has been known to cause night terrors in a portion of its users, because Sustiva is a hallucinogenic drug. So now there's a problem, a catastrophe if you will, because so many people are dealing this as a recreational drug. They grind it up and use it with weed (though I'ma little vague on how? snort, shoot, smoke?). Also, people buy it to have unprotected sex, because they think it protects them from HIV. The AIDS activists and doctors in the area are crazy up in arms about this, because if the government decides to schedule this drug due to its epidemic misuse? Then it severely limits what kind of effect they can have on AIDS in Africa. It sets back their efforts by a decade. I totally just made up a decade cause it sounds good. But its REALLY bad anyway.
I was telling C. about this, and also the beauties of the downtown Cleveland Public Library (which she's never been in and I haven't for years...)* while last week's Top Chef played in the background. And you might ask what this has to do with Top Chef?
Well, it's the holidays. Or as Padma calls it, "Happy Christmas!"**
So it's time for thinking about others; people with diseases, people starving, people laboring under the delusion that they have any culinary talent at all. Also catastrophes.
Tonight's episode starts with several soul searching revelations from contestants, as they putter about their natural habitat. Old Goil realizes she should "keep it simple", because obviously cooking meat is like the hardest thing ever. Gene feels he "dodged a bullet." S. states it is because he is a gutterpunk, and therefore familiar with bullets and their avoidance. Stefan aka White Balls carves angry faces into helpless watermelons (which is horribly cute), while Hosea learns the benefits of product placement. Cancer and Sidekicks in the same frame? Priceless.
Then they go to the Quickfire and look who comes in? The new Queen of the Recession, Martha Stewart. She strolls in with a copy of her new book under her arm, the miniature cover Martha smiling like an evil tiny twin growing from her torso. Snoop Dogg's favorite boo challenges the cooks (yes, I used that term on purpose) to create "one pot wonders". Cause, you know, home cooks are used to cooking with their arsenal of twenty, thirty calphalon. I'm not sure I've ever used more than one pot in a meal. I am dishes-phobic. It's a limitation, I understand that. But tonight, it makes me a "One Pot Wonder".
As the cooks begin their challenges, I contemplate the unspoken massacre of scallops that has occurred in the last ten years due to the growth of "foodies". Eck. I will never get to be a foodie. Old Jersey Goil made a cauliflower puree which she advises are great for kids cause they are like mashed potatoes but instead the kiddies get veggies, and my Irish/Polish ass is all like, aren't potatoes veggies? See, a foodie would know better.
So Martha loves White Balls: The Revenge, and his "chanterelles". She loves Hosannah and his Paella. I wonder if Hosannah has ever spent late nights in the kitchen, making paella, and contemplating the Inquisition? He-Man's blond locks are powerless against Martha's one note condemnation, "pungent". Old Jersey Motherfucking Goil decides to work the Snoop Dogg angle and wear her BASEBALL HATE BACKWARDS in a blatant attempt to appeal to Martha's jungle fever. Martha's genius criticism to Gene? "I thought it could be much more delicious.". Old Jersey Motherfucking Beyotch Goil wins, because she can cook meat.
C. mention that she has seen S. and M. get completely trashed all day, and manage to grill perfect pieces of lamb while shooting roman candles at each other. So how hard can it be?
Hr bloody swath through the next generation's nightmares complete, Martha departs, and a revolution against her erupts in the room I'm in. While the Last of the Gays stands on screen, quietly and bravely trying not to cry because she's lost to Ms. Meat four times now, S. jumps up from the couch and screams "I'll cut off my penis, deep fry it, and eat it if she wins!" Our group hatred against Old Jersey Motherfuckin Beyotch Botox Goil is swelling to an intensity that must, at the very least, cause her psychosomatic boils.
S. picked up some sausages from Chef's Choice Meats in Berea for tonight, and the owner gave him a Great Lakes Christmas Ale Sausage that he just created. So we sample that at this time in the evening, halfway through a bottle of Shiraz and a giant box of Milwaukee's Best. The sausage is good, overly seasoned like the beer, but spicy sweet. It's a very fruity sausage. The bratwurst is great too. I guess Great Lakes will have it on their menu, and the Beer Engine already sells his meats. Also he carries those awesome local glass bottles of chocolate milk? And gives refills.
Show's back on, so on to the main course. Tonight's challenge is "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and I like it. I secretly want to do 5 Golden rings, with pineapple, but Gene beats me to it. Also, he's on the show, and I'm not. Immediately, everyone starts spouting bullshit justifying their particular dishes. "Piper's piping? Let's smoke everything!" Which is exactly what Hosannah does, smoking out the whole kitchen. Fabio the Quietly Storming European writes some story about his dish (he's a poet, a seeker). But the real climax is coming....
In the middle of the night, the evil Grinch Colicchio sneaks into the kitchen where all the little boys and girls have stacked and prepped their dishes, and OPENS A FRIDGE. Actually, one of the morons left it open overnight, but surprisingly, no one blames anyone. You'd expect some sort of guilty confession, but it seems that everyone is feeling so guilty about their general loserness, they forget to be divas. Anyway, Hosannah and Sally get screwed by the fridge mishap. Which allows the producers to create an absolutely sickening moment, where they play Christmas music in the background while all the cooks step in and help their friends save Christmas!
Oh, but really they're saving the AIDS Benefit! See how this all comes full circle? Is it bad that during that NPR story, I was really thinking about how available Sustiva was?
Natasha Richardson, looking like a rich man's Jennifer Coolidge, announces that the guests will pin their AIDS ribbons to the chef's board whose dish they adored. S. thinks this is perverse, and also that Kenneth Cole looks like Steve Gutenberg.
This whole episode is like a Sweet Valley high book. I could try to explain all the ins and outs, but really who gives a fuck? I didn't give a fuck while I was reading the book. There's some shit about Hosannah making Leah jealous with a vacuous socialite (let's all notice that HE doesn't live with HIS girlfriend). Leah has some hearts on her hand, which I'm guessing Hosannah drew on her at some point. Michelle Bernstein holds no truck with the empty nonsense issuing from Richardson, and Colicchio can't stop staring at her breasts.
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink it all up", and it looks like Gene's a goner. The coconut and lime completely covered the fish huh? who could have guess that? Hosannah wins, in a Holiday Miracle. Then the producers decide not to send anyone home, because they all showed such Christmas Cheer by helping out their comrades after the Great Fridge Disaster of 2008. BUT
Tom Colicchio comes into the waiting room, after giving the cooks sufficient time to get drunk on cheap wine, and he's like "we're looking for amazing food here guys" "you don't win with deviled eggs" and "we wish we could just butcher you all and make some nice curries, at least then your existence wouldn't be a total waste."
So next week's challenge? Cook whatever you want, no limitations, we just need to see if you actually know how to cook or if Tom is going to commit seppuku.
*Also mentioned is how it really annoys me that people are always describing mushrooms as "earthy". I mean, it's time for a new adjective already. And as I say this, c. exclaims that she was just thinking the exact same thing. Seriously. Earthy.
** Zombie! Only zombies say "happy christmas".
I was telling C. about this, and also the beauties of the downtown Cleveland Public Library (which she's never been in and I haven't for years...)* while last week's Top Chef played in the background. And you might ask what this has to do with Top Chef?
Well, it's the holidays. Or as Padma calls it, "Happy Christmas!"**
So it's time for thinking about others; people with diseases, people starving, people laboring under the delusion that they have any culinary talent at all. Also catastrophes.
Tonight's episode starts with several soul searching revelations from contestants, as they putter about their natural habitat. Old Goil realizes she should "keep it simple", because obviously cooking meat is like the hardest thing ever. Gene feels he "dodged a bullet." S. states it is because he is a gutterpunk, and therefore familiar with bullets and their avoidance. Stefan aka White Balls carves angry faces into helpless watermelons (which is horribly cute), while Hosea learns the benefits of product placement. Cancer and Sidekicks in the same frame? Priceless.
Then they go to the Quickfire and look who comes in? The new Queen of the Recession, Martha Stewart. She strolls in with a copy of her new book under her arm, the miniature cover Martha smiling like an evil tiny twin growing from her torso. Snoop Dogg's favorite boo challenges the cooks (yes, I used that term on purpose) to create "one pot wonders". Cause, you know, home cooks are used to cooking with their arsenal of twenty, thirty calphalon. I'm not sure I've ever used more than one pot in a meal. I am dishes-phobic. It's a limitation, I understand that. But tonight, it makes me a "One Pot Wonder".
As the cooks begin their challenges, I contemplate the unspoken massacre of scallops that has occurred in the last ten years due to the growth of "foodies". Eck. I will never get to be a foodie. Old Jersey Goil made a cauliflower puree which she advises are great for kids cause they are like mashed potatoes but instead the kiddies get veggies, and my Irish/Polish ass is all like, aren't potatoes veggies? See, a foodie would know better.
So Martha loves White Balls: The Revenge, and his "chanterelles". She loves Hosannah and his Paella. I wonder if Hosannah has ever spent late nights in the kitchen, making paella, and contemplating the Inquisition? He-Man's blond locks are powerless against Martha's one note condemnation, "pungent". Old Jersey Motherfucking Goil decides to work the Snoop Dogg angle and wear her BASEBALL HATE BACKWARDS in a blatant attempt to appeal to Martha's jungle fever. Martha's genius criticism to Gene? "I thought it could be much more delicious.". Old Jersey Motherfucking Beyotch Goil wins, because she can cook meat.
C. mention that she has seen S. and M. get completely trashed all day, and manage to grill perfect pieces of lamb while shooting roman candles at each other. So how hard can it be?
Hr bloody swath through the next generation's nightmares complete, Martha departs, and a revolution against her erupts in the room I'm in. While the Last of the Gays stands on screen, quietly and bravely trying not to cry because she's lost to Ms. Meat four times now, S. jumps up from the couch and screams "I'll cut off my penis, deep fry it, and eat it if she wins!" Our group hatred against Old Jersey Motherfuckin Beyotch Botox Goil is swelling to an intensity that must, at the very least, cause her psychosomatic boils.
S. picked up some sausages from Chef's Choice Meats in Berea for tonight, and the owner gave him a Great Lakes Christmas Ale Sausage that he just created. So we sample that at this time in the evening, halfway through a bottle of Shiraz and a giant box of Milwaukee's Best. The sausage is good, overly seasoned like the beer, but spicy sweet. It's a very fruity sausage. The bratwurst is great too. I guess Great Lakes will have it on their menu, and the Beer Engine already sells his meats. Also he carries those awesome local glass bottles of chocolate milk? And gives refills.
Show's back on, so on to the main course. Tonight's challenge is "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and I like it. I secretly want to do 5 Golden rings, with pineapple, but Gene beats me to it. Also, he's on the show, and I'm not. Immediately, everyone starts spouting bullshit justifying their particular dishes. "Piper's piping? Let's smoke everything!" Which is exactly what Hosannah does, smoking out the whole kitchen. Fabio the Quietly Storming European writes some story about his dish (he's a poet, a seeker). But the real climax is coming....
In the middle of the night, the evil Grinch Colicchio sneaks into the kitchen where all the little boys and girls have stacked and prepped their dishes, and OPENS A FRIDGE. Actually, one of the morons left it open overnight, but surprisingly, no one blames anyone. You'd expect some sort of guilty confession, but it seems that everyone is feeling so guilty about their general loserness, they forget to be divas. Anyway, Hosannah and Sally get screwed by the fridge mishap. Which allows the producers to create an absolutely sickening moment, where they play Christmas music in the background while all the cooks step in and help their friends save Christmas!
Oh, but really they're saving the AIDS Benefit! See how this all comes full circle? Is it bad that during that NPR story, I was really thinking about how available Sustiva was?
Natasha Richardson, looking like a rich man's Jennifer Coolidge, announces that the guests will pin their AIDS ribbons to the chef's board whose dish they adored. S. thinks this is perverse, and also that Kenneth Cole looks like Steve Gutenberg.
This whole episode is like a Sweet Valley high book. I could try to explain all the ins and outs, but really who gives a fuck? I didn't give a fuck while I was reading the book. There's some shit about Hosannah making Leah jealous with a vacuous socialite (let's all notice that HE doesn't live with HIS girlfriend). Leah has some hearts on her hand, which I'm guessing Hosannah drew on her at some point. Michelle Bernstein holds no truck with the empty nonsense issuing from Richardson, and Colicchio can't stop staring at her breasts.
"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink it all up", and it looks like Gene's a goner. The coconut and lime completely covered the fish huh? who could have guess that? Hosannah wins, in a Holiday Miracle. Then the producers decide not to send anyone home, because they all showed such Christmas Cheer by helping out their comrades after the Great Fridge Disaster of 2008. BUT
Tom Colicchio comes into the waiting room, after giving the cooks sufficient time to get drunk on cheap wine, and he's like "we're looking for amazing food here guys" "you don't win with deviled eggs" and "we wish we could just butcher you all and make some nice curries, at least then your existence wouldn't be a total waste."
So next week's challenge? Cook whatever you want, no limitations, we just need to see if you actually know how to cook or if Tom is going to commit seppuku.
*Also mentioned is how it really annoys me that people are always describing mushrooms as "earthy". I mean, it's time for a new adjective already. And as I say this, c. exclaims that she was just thinking the exact same thing. Seriously. Earthy.
** Zombie! Only zombies say "happy christmas".
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