Nominated Vasectomy of the Day

(Besides Rusty, S.'s cat who has finally started spraying any and everywhere. Sorry Rusty...)

Yet another reason to hate skull t-shirts…turns out they may be hiding a Calvinist.

Alright, so I already suspected that most skull laden, foil print shirts were clothing evangelists. You just can’t trust anyone who tries so hard to look like a bad-ass. But a disturbing new trend got highlighted in this past weekend’s NYT – the bad ass, Seattle hipster, Calvinist.

Now first of all, Calvinism is a little heinous, beyond the normal reaches of nastiness that Christianity reaches. Because with Calvin, you’re born a maggot, you live a maggot, and you die a maggot. Your soul is physically incapable of following God’s teachings or achieving Grace. And only a few really special people, that were chosen before they were conceived, are eligible to get into heaven. Of course, those few chosen people are the Calvinists. You are predestined to be a Calvinist and be saved. Little babies who die, if not already a chosen one, go straight to hell. The Puritans were Calvinists, and they started things off right, right?

So I guess the idea is supposed to be that no matter what a crack-hitting, woman beating monster you are, everyone else is just as bad as you. And God may choose to forgive you just because, like a lottery system, but only if you actively pursue his knowledge, which is like buying your lottery ticket.

Of course, I don’t believe in heaven, hell, God, or really for that matter Calvin (I think he’s a story made up to frighten poor Boer children). But this isn’t about my belief, this is about Mark Driscoll’s.

Mark Driscoll is the pastor of the Mar’s Hill Church in Seattle, where according to the NYT story, 2 of the city’s 4 top tattoo artists attend. He poises himself as a dark cloud swearing man’s man, and sees Calvinism as way to change the image of Jesus from a “neutered and limp-wristed popular Sky Fairy of pop culture”. Presumably into the lion headed blood fanged death eater he really was? I don’t know. But I do know that having a Facebook group called John Calvin Is My Homeboy is evil.

Driscoll preaches specifically against feminism, insisting that woman be subservient to man. He’s also against pre-marital sex, and “singing prom songs to a Jesus who is presented as a wuss”. But he doesn’t forbid drinking, cussing, violence in culture, and Bruce Springsteen. His campaign is all about reversing the emasculation of the Church, and that’s really the scariest part. Because you might have something to argue to a Christian who believes in mercy and gentleness, but what do you say to hell and damnation and guess what, you can get drunk too?

“He came to admire Martin Luther, the vulgar, beer-swilling theological rebel who sparked the Reformation. “I found him to be something of a mentor,” Driscoll says. “I didn’t have all the baggage he did. But you can see him with a quill in one hand and a drink in the other. He married a brewer and renegade nun. His story is kind of indie rock.”

The whole thing reminds me eerily of AA, the cult of “We accept you no matter how dirty you are, but only if you devote your life to doing everything we tell you too, because your whole life is fucked due to a lack of God.” I understand the benefits of having a support system that will give you complete acceptance if you’re struggling to be a better person, but why can’t people get that without becoming ideologue zombies? And if you read all the way thru to the end of the article, there’s a nice little tidbit about how Driscoll takes care of members who dissent.

Because a real man doesn’t negotiate and he doesn’t back down, especially if he’s a chosen one. No, he turns to wannabe ultimate fighters.

Also, I’m kinda freaked out by the indie rock reference. Like a lot. I guess I won’t be able to positively stereotype anyone anymore.