The Wrong Brother Won.
One.
Won.
(p.s. I am extremely drunk on jello shots and it is possible that later today I will have wished that I wrote a more fanciful, articulate review. However right now I just know that both of them know it, and Kevin knows it, and if Padma doesn't know it, it's only because at some point Top Chef had to become the Establishment and we had to start rebelling against it. It has become a new standard of judgment in the culinary community, and therefore we must bring it down, and tirade against it's inequality and inadequacies, and later tonight we fought about kittens and commitment and I'm sorry but I think it's totally fair to see shadows of my past relationship in your fickleness of stray cat keepingness. Also Bryan should have won. But I've never known if I'm spelling his name right, and quite frankly, I don't care enough to google it. There was no great sibling rivalry resolved today. There was only us, screaming, into the nothingness that is the Council's palate, like salivating starving dogs at the Culture Counter, with no rhyme or reason. )
edit: today I read that the reason Kevin was in a funk is because he and his wife split up right before heading back to Napa. So Kevin, I'm sorry you didn't win, and I hope you're okay. I want to organize a mass group of people and camp out in Atlanta with Kevin t-shirts and spend lots of money at your restaurant, because thats the only non-creepy non-sex not stalking thing I can think to do. Also, it is warmer down there right now. But I'll probably just stay up and here and feel sorry for you. Also, the mom thing takes on whole new meaning.
Showing posts with label Top Chef Las Vegas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Chef Las Vegas. Show all posts
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Finale Part One
Dear Best Friend,
What is the best way to hide a baby bump? I am normally very sexy, but as I get bigger, I'm afraid of wearing my normal clothes.
Yours truly, Knocked Up in Napa
Dear Knocked Up,
Instead of wearing your normal slutty clothes, what you should be wearing is even sluttier clothes. If last night's tv watching taught us anything, it's that pretty girls who are pregnant should wear even less clothing than what got them there in the first place. Try digging out your old cheerleading outfit, or dressing in a really fattening color, like white. It'll be ironic, since you're obviously anything but virginal. Change your hairstyle dramatically. Or, if you're really brave, wear clothing that has been previously only worn by cast members of Resident Evil movies and Blade. People will be so busy wondering where half of your sleeves went, they won't look at your fat little belly at all.
Dear Best Friend,
Which is worse, over-salting goat cheese or feeding a pregnant woman
a raw egg?
Yours truly, Cheated by the Brothers Grimm
Dear Cheated,
Up until last night, I would have said the raw egg thing. Salmonella and all. But apparently over salted goat cheese is really fucking nasty. Also, if you are called on the carpet for this sort of thing, NEVER EVER CONFESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR PERFECT DISH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. If possible, make sure you have some sort of epic story arc, like Cain and Abel, or Lucy and Desi, that will make you indispensable to the editors. Show no weakness. Next time, try hitting on your furry married co-star. It can't hurt.
Dear Best Friend,
What is Michael Chiarello's fucking problem?
Yours truly, California Dreaming
Dear California,
I don't know, but if you could please, as a state, do us the favor of forbidding him from traveling across state lines, I know we'd all be grateful. Please make sure he understands this includes all Top Chef production sets. I suggest also maybe imprisoning him in a wine cave under his beloved valley for all time, with animated grape vines removing his vital organs every 24 hours, until a sous chef should find him and put him out of his misery.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is the worst sign ever, you pretentious twats
Last night was anything but poetry for our Fearless Foursome. They were spirited away to Napa Valley, the Den of Easy Virtues. Once there, they came face to face with the soggy pork known as Chef Chiarello, the bastard who stole Top Chef Master title from Hubert, and who had kidnapped their princess and impregnated her with mystical soul sucking grapeseed babies. Their first challenge to was to get on his evil Train of Sustainable Doom, which was obviously a trap. Once imprisoned in the tiny kitchen car, they were forced to cook grapes grapes grapes. These dishes they fed to the Princess, like pomegranates to Persephone, knowing they were powerless to help her. With every bite, her soul turned more and more a deeper shade of khaki beige, with spots of sportscoat navy.
The brave boys managed to escape, but Jennifer oh my Jennifer. Like the Grinch, Chiarello set his evil eye upon her and determined that he would steal her talent for himself. Right then and there, he resolved that she should never win Top Chef. She would come to live with him in his faux Italian villa, while her soul would fester in a cedar barrel, trapped in the cellar with all his other victims. Like Ursula the sea witch and her bottles, see? Ripert he would deal with later.
Their destination was the annual harvest festival, call The Crush because traditionally this is when the indentured Chinese and Mexicans would pass out and drown in the mighty vats. They were forced to race each other through mazes to gather the ashen scraps of a raped countryside, and out of the scraps they must compose the dish to save their lives and careers.
First, the meats. Kevin chose the stoic and silent Cow as his totem, strong and cornfed. But did he cook it long enough? Bryan also used beef, understated and sweet, elegant. But where were his figs? Michael, devious ambitious Michael. Was it any wonder foi gras was his choice? And was it a surprise the stingy bastard didn't put enough in his soup? But Jennifer my Jennifer. Your duck was the prize of the night, the gilded feather in your cap. How ironic that it should also be the seal on your coffin, since Chiarello renewed his vow to bring your star down, once he tasted it's toothsome duckyness. (also, my friends, Kevin, that is what toothsome actually means.)
And the vegetarian dishes? Kevin took a carrot and a radish, said a magic Southern Witch spell over them, and created two pieces of vegetable that tasted like a 5 course meal. Bryan wove a ravioli so fine, the spiders were jealous. Michael put a raw egg in some vegetable stock and fed it to the princess. Maybe, he was trying to put her out of her misery? I think that's giving him too much credit. And Jennifer my Jennifer, it's not your fault that the evil Chiarello switched salts on you, giving you the cursed salt with the very slow melting that was ultimately your downfall. I know he did it. Did you see at judges table, how he immediately knew what had happened, even before you did?
The princess, whose transformation to rogue angel fighter was complete by the second scene, felt a tear on her cheek, and wondered what it was.
In the final level, the heroes faced the Circle of the Black Thorn, and though their armor was shining brightly, the Council nit and picked until the smallest pores and ingrown hairs had been exposed. When the smoke had cleared, Voltron remained united, to fight it out in the final battle. And Jennifer was left to hitch her way back to Philly, and battle Chiarello's minions by herself until she could be reunited with her Master, The Sorcerer Ripert. Who watched the battle from his ivory tower, and plotted revenge for the humiliation of his secret daughter.
What is the best way to hide a baby bump? I am normally very sexy, but as I get bigger, I'm afraid of wearing my normal clothes.
Yours truly, Knocked Up in Napa
Dear Knocked Up,
Instead of wearing your normal slutty clothes, what you should be wearing is even sluttier clothes. If last night's tv watching taught us anything, it's that pretty girls who are pregnant should wear even less clothing than what got them there in the first place. Try digging out your old cheerleading outfit, or dressing in a really fattening color, like white. It'll be ironic, since you're obviously anything but virginal. Change your hairstyle dramatically. Or, if you're really brave, wear clothing that has been previously only worn by cast members of Resident Evil movies and Blade. People will be so busy wondering where half of your sleeves went, they won't look at your fat little belly at all.
Dear Best Friend,
Which is worse, over-salting goat cheese or feeding a pregnant woman
a raw egg?
Yours truly, Cheated by the Brothers Grimm
Dear Cheated,
Up until last night, I would have said the raw egg thing. Salmonella and all. But apparently over salted goat cheese is really fucking nasty. Also, if you are called on the carpet for this sort of thing, NEVER EVER CONFESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR PERFECT DISH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. If possible, make sure you have some sort of epic story arc, like Cain and Abel, or Lucy and Desi, that will make you indispensable to the editors. Show no weakness. Next time, try hitting on your furry married co-star. It can't hurt.
Dear Best Friend,
What is Michael Chiarello's fucking problem?
Yours truly, California Dreaming
Dear California,
I don't know, but if you could please, as a state, do us the favor of forbidding him from traveling across state lines, I know we'd all be grateful. Please make sure he understands this includes all Top Chef production sets. I suggest also maybe imprisoning him in a wine cave under his beloved valley for all time, with animated grape vines removing his vital organs every 24 hours, until a sous chef should find him and put him out of his misery.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is the worst sign ever, you pretentious twats
Last night was anything but poetry for our Fearless Foursome. They were spirited away to Napa Valley, the Den of Easy Virtues. Once there, they came face to face with the soggy pork known as Chef Chiarello, the bastard who stole Top Chef Master title from Hubert, and who had kidnapped their princess and impregnated her with mystical soul sucking grapeseed babies. Their first challenge to was to get on his evil Train of Sustainable Doom, which was obviously a trap. Once imprisoned in the tiny kitchen car, they were forced to cook grapes grapes grapes. These dishes they fed to the Princess, like pomegranates to Persephone, knowing they were powerless to help her. With every bite, her soul turned more and more a deeper shade of khaki beige, with spots of sportscoat navy.
The brave boys managed to escape, but Jennifer oh my Jennifer. Like the Grinch, Chiarello set his evil eye upon her and determined that he would steal her talent for himself. Right then and there, he resolved that she should never win Top Chef. She would come to live with him in his faux Italian villa, while her soul would fester in a cedar barrel, trapped in the cellar with all his other victims. Like Ursula the sea witch and her bottles, see? Ripert he would deal with later.
Their destination was the annual harvest festival, call The Crush because traditionally this is when the indentured Chinese and Mexicans would pass out and drown in the mighty vats. They were forced to race each other through mazes to gather the ashen scraps of a raped countryside, and out of the scraps they must compose the dish to save their lives and careers.
First, the meats. Kevin chose the stoic and silent Cow as his totem, strong and cornfed. But did he cook it long enough? Bryan also used beef, understated and sweet, elegant. But where were his figs? Michael, devious ambitious Michael. Was it any wonder foi gras was his choice? And was it a surprise the stingy bastard didn't put enough in his soup? But Jennifer my Jennifer. Your duck was the prize of the night, the gilded feather in your cap. How ironic that it should also be the seal on your coffin, since Chiarello renewed his vow to bring your star down, once he tasted it's toothsome duckyness. (also, my friends, Kevin, that is what toothsome actually means.)
And the vegetarian dishes? Kevin took a carrot and a radish, said a magic Southern Witch spell over them, and created two pieces of vegetable that tasted like a 5 course meal. Bryan wove a ravioli so fine, the spiders were jealous. Michael put a raw egg in some vegetable stock and fed it to the princess. Maybe, he was trying to put her out of her misery? I think that's giving him too much credit. And Jennifer my Jennifer, it's not your fault that the evil Chiarello switched salts on you, giving you the cursed salt with the very slow melting that was ultimately your downfall. I know he did it. Did you see at judges table, how he immediately knew what had happened, even before you did?
The princess, whose transformation to rogue angel fighter was complete by the second scene, felt a tear on her cheek, and wondered what it was.
In the final level, the heroes faced the Circle of the Black Thorn, and though their armor was shining brightly, the Council nit and picked until the smallest pores and ingrown hairs had been exposed. When the smoke had cleared, Voltron remained united, to fight it out in the final battle. And Jennifer was left to hitch her way back to Philly, and battle Chiarello's minions by herself until she could be reunited with her Master, The Sorcerer Ripert. Who watched the battle from his ivory tower, and plotted revenge for the humiliation of his secret daughter.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday TV Night:: 1 Down, 1 To Go
America's Next Top Model is Finally Over Folks.
I'll make this recap quick.
First, the producers had the girls reintroduce themselves to the audience. Because there is apparently a large section of viewers who only tune in for the finales of reality shows.
After that sweet trip down made up memory lane, a strange green Hawaiian leprechaun made the girls get lost hiking, by leading down tricky paths that disappeared into volcanic dust when they tried to find them again. Laura tried leaving pineapple pieces, to get them home, but the starving camera crew which has been forced to follow them day and night for months ate them. After hours in the hot sun, the leprechaun told them the secret to getting home before night, which was to film this commercial for mascara. A vampire showed up, and kept trying to psyche them out, cause if they lost they would be left in the wilderness overnight, and this particular vamp had been living on liquid eyeshadow for years. But luckily, the plucky little dyslexic and the snotty east coast liberal managed to do alright with their scripts. Even though the hostage video of them together was OBVIOUSLY a hostage video, I mean, c'mon.
Two interruptions: 1)The best part of this ANTM season has been the fucking Nutella for Breakfast commercials. 2) The CW would like you to go green, and get the "West Bev" look, by wearing incredible expensive vintage clothes. No really, their tip was "wear vintage".
Back to the show. Laura brings up an interesting idea; the milkshake as an emotion. Nigel made fun of her for it, but I think milkshake is a very valid emotion. I can definitely think of times in my life when I've been feeling milkshakey. The editors keep trying to stress the competition throughout, with all the judges talking about "how close it is". Tyra has one on one talks with them, where she's basically like "look how awesome my show is and how lucky these loser girls were and also I'm going to turn them into gingerbread cookies and eat them." Laura talks about how being on ANTM means she's been more successful than the entire rest of her family, and cries some. Nicole sits there and analyzes her competitor's commercial vs. resale value.
Then onto the runway show. Seems the Cash for Clunkers program did more than cause a shortage in used cars, it also caused a shortage in short models. Aw snap. Tyra can't find any petite models at all, anywhere in the world, so she brings back all the kicked off contestants and also Eddie Murphy's daughter? The dresses they wear are ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. Seriously, who is this designer, and somebody please make her live in Canada for a little while, because Hawaii has fucked her brain. Laura is wearing the sequin equivalent of a tramp stamp, and Nicole is dressed in a thrift store prom dress from 1967 dyed pink to clash with her hair. Nicole is so mad about her dress, she stomps down the runway like a Terminator. Tyra calls it her signature walk. I call it her "I don't know how to walk on a runway at all, because we've had zilch practice at it this season, and also I learned to walk last year. " Laura does pretty well. At the end, Laura and Nicole make a porno. Tyra comes backstage after the show to look completely horrified while lying through her teeth about how well they did.
In the end, Nicole won. Duh. But she used her victory for good, as she completely undermined Tyra's whole Tiny Girls Farm theme, and went with this takeaway instead...
"I'm a dork, and I'm America's Next Top Model!"
On Glee
that music teacher tries to persuade Rachel not to like him by singing her THIS SONG. THE MOST PERVERTED SONG ON THE OLDIES STATION THAT I AM SO HAPPY THEY USED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Top Chef: Jennifer Versus Eli
I learned about the Bucose D'Or this episode. I suspect most of America learned about it this episode, which explained why the winner of this episode got an invite for the qualifying rounds, because the advisory board finally caught on that unless they get some money for this thing, USA is never gonna get in the finishing three. Apparently, an American competitor has never placed higher than sixth in this "culinary olympics". So obviously its a foolish European thing we can safely ignore.
But this is all not very interesting. The real question of the night was would my top four make it to the finale intact, or would I lose a lot of money on the internet and have to sell my eggs?
For the Quickfire, Padma was joined by an abnormally large dwarf, who challenged the chefs to make a Turducken, only not really, cause that's gross. Jennifer scared me, by making some quip about actually making a turducken. But when Padma tasted her dish, and graced her with a warm "Welcome back Jennifer", I knew all was well. Jenn in fact won the challenge. Take that Eli!
Then everyone talked about how much they loved Eli, and I knew it was in the bag.
Look, I'm sure Eli is really talented. I'm doing him the honor of actually spelling his name right finally, so that should mean something. But he's a baby. And he was ruining my prediction.
So for the Elimination, they hold a fake Bucose D'Or, and Thomas Keller comes and dusts everyone with French Laundry crumbs (which bestow upon the winner every James Beard award ever). Everyone has to make some really technically perfect salmon or lamb dishes, and it looks like everyone kind of failed, but that doesn't stop the guests at the table from congratulating themselves on how great they, the judges, are. After all, it's awfully intimidating to cook for their level of genius right?
All the lamb is undercooked. All the salmon is overcooked. Kevin wins. Eli goes home. And the Voltron brothers spend most of their time trying to convince the audience that they are villains, which sort of works, except Bryan is too nice to ever be a real villain. There should be a sci-fi corollary here. I'm too tired to think of it.
But the time has come. My magic Final Four are off to Napa Valley, and next episode! Stay tuned! Padma in bangs!
I'll make this recap quick.
First, the producers had the girls reintroduce themselves to the audience. Because there is apparently a large section of viewers who only tune in for the finales of reality shows.
After that sweet trip down made up memory lane, a strange green Hawaiian leprechaun made the girls get lost hiking, by leading down tricky paths that disappeared into volcanic dust when they tried to find them again. Laura tried leaving pineapple pieces, to get them home, but the starving camera crew which has been forced to follow them day and night for months ate them. After hours in the hot sun, the leprechaun told them the secret to getting home before night, which was to film this commercial for mascara. A vampire showed up, and kept trying to psyche them out, cause if they lost they would be left in the wilderness overnight, and this particular vamp had been living on liquid eyeshadow for years. But luckily, the plucky little dyslexic and the snotty east coast liberal managed to do alright with their scripts. Even though the hostage video of them together was OBVIOUSLY a hostage video, I mean, c'mon.
Two interruptions: 1)The best part of this ANTM season has been the fucking Nutella for Breakfast commercials. 2) The CW would like you to go green, and get the "West Bev" look, by wearing incredible expensive vintage clothes. No really, their tip was "wear vintage".
Back to the show. Laura brings up an interesting idea; the milkshake as an emotion. Nigel made fun of her for it, but I think milkshake is a very valid emotion. I can definitely think of times in my life when I've been feeling milkshakey. The editors keep trying to stress the competition throughout, with all the judges talking about "how close it is". Tyra has one on one talks with them, where she's basically like "look how awesome my show is and how lucky these loser girls were and also I'm going to turn them into gingerbread cookies and eat them." Laura talks about how being on ANTM means she's been more successful than the entire rest of her family, and cries some. Nicole sits there and analyzes her competitor's commercial vs. resale value.
Then onto the runway show. Seems the Cash for Clunkers program did more than cause a shortage in used cars, it also caused a shortage in short models. Aw snap. Tyra can't find any petite models at all, anywhere in the world, so she brings back all the kicked off contestants and also Eddie Murphy's daughter? The dresses they wear are ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. Seriously, who is this designer, and somebody please make her live in Canada for a little while, because Hawaii has fucked her brain. Laura is wearing the sequin equivalent of a tramp stamp, and Nicole is dressed in a thrift store prom dress from 1967 dyed pink to clash with her hair. Nicole is so mad about her dress, she stomps down the runway like a Terminator. Tyra calls it her signature walk. I call it her "I don't know how to walk on a runway at all, because we've had zilch practice at it this season, and also I learned to walk last year. " Laura does pretty well. At the end, Laura and Nicole make a porno. Tyra comes backstage after the show to look completely horrified while lying through her teeth about how well they did.
In the end, Nicole won. Duh. But she used her victory for good, as she completely undermined Tyra's whole Tiny Girls Farm theme, and went with this takeaway instead...
"I'm a dork, and I'm America's Next Top Model!"On Glee
that music teacher tries to persuade Rachel not to like him by singing her THIS SONG. THE MOST PERVERTED SONG ON THE OLDIES STATION THAT I AM SO HAPPY THEY USED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Top Chef: Jennifer Versus Eli
I learned about the Bucose D'Or this episode. I suspect most of America learned about it this episode, which explained why the winner of this episode got an invite for the qualifying rounds, because the advisory board finally caught on that unless they get some money for this thing, USA is never gonna get in the finishing three. Apparently, an American competitor has never placed higher than sixth in this "culinary olympics". So obviously its a foolish European thing we can safely ignore.
But this is all not very interesting. The real question of the night was would my top four make it to the finale intact, or would I lose a lot of money on the internet and have to sell my eggs?
For the Quickfire, Padma was joined by an abnormally large dwarf, who challenged the chefs to make a Turducken, only not really, cause that's gross. Jennifer scared me, by making some quip about actually making a turducken. But when Padma tasted her dish, and graced her with a warm "Welcome back Jennifer", I knew all was well. Jenn in fact won the challenge. Take that Eli!
Then everyone talked about how much they loved Eli, and I knew it was in the bag.
Look, I'm sure Eli is really talented. I'm doing him the honor of actually spelling his name right finally, so that should mean something. But he's a baby. And he was ruining my prediction.
So for the Elimination, they hold a fake Bucose D'Or, and Thomas Keller comes and dusts everyone with French Laundry crumbs (which bestow upon the winner every James Beard award ever). Everyone has to make some really technically perfect salmon or lamb dishes, and it looks like everyone kind of failed, but that doesn't stop the guests at the table from congratulating themselves on how great they, the judges, are. After all, it's awfully intimidating to cook for their level of genius right?
All the lamb is undercooked. All the salmon is overcooked. Kevin wins. Eli goes home. And the Voltron brothers spend most of their time trying to convince the audience that they are villains, which sort of works, except Bryan is too nice to ever be a real villain. There should be a sci-fi corollary here. I'm too tired to think of it.
But the time has come. My magic Final Four are off to Napa Valley, and next episode! Stay tuned! Padma in bangs!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday TV Should Quiver Like a 17th Century Courtesan's Inner Thigh
ANTM recap: The Joy of Modeling
First of all, did everybody see the super sweet interview with Miss Jay on the Tyra Banks Show yesterday?
Is it weird that Miss Jay reminds me of Bill Cosby a little?
This episode we're down to the three sweetest girls and one very not grownup yet girl who will probably be kinda nice when she gets a little more used to rejection. Oh Erin. I mean, she's 18 and gorgeous, so you shouldn't expect much maybe. Give her some college, a dreadful first day, a few years of ramen, and a son of a bitch cheating boyfriend. Then you'll want to drink with her.
Nicole, who is a shoe-in to win. What's more certain that a shoe-in? A given? A foregone conclusion? A destined prophetic totally already written ending? Girl has had some fucking awesome dresses for judges panel too.
Jennifer, who has really won me over. I think it started with the news host challenge. It's her perfect career. And when she talked about how proud she was of herself, because she doesn't normally succeed at anything, cause she's a big giant quitter? I really want her to get a show on E! like, right now.
And finally, Laura. How can anyone dislike Kentucky girl? I just wish Tyra would be nicer to her grandmother.
All four of these girls have really learned from this show, and that's kind of amazing. It takes a crazy supernatural farce of a show, and adds sincerity and meaning. I'll talk about this more in a little bit.
But first, to sum up. The girls are forced to participate in a hotel exercise class for seniors and divorcees called Hip hop Hula. Laura proves to everybody she knows how to move that junk in her trunk, and win a free trip to teach that class next semester.
Then the girls are dressed up like Pele, the international soccer star, and pose barefoot on incredibly painful volcanic rock while sea water is splashed all over their incredibly expensive soccer outfits. Erin, who it turns out is actually a 60 yr old divorcee herself, learns to soften the inborn bitterness in her face by "singing one of those pop songs that teenagers listen to." It works, but will it be enough to save her? Because, oh yeah, they're doing a double elimination for no apparent reason.
Tyra comes to panel in the act of being eaten alive by a giant flesh colored leg warmer, and creates a new word! Smozing! Smizing and posing at the same time! She is a fucking gift to the English language people.
The ax swings, and Jennifer and Erin are sent home, one to start her incredibly lucrative podcast career, and the other to become an American Apparel girl. Nicole the Classic and Laura the Cute are left, and it's great. Here are two girls who came in very awkward, not pretty in any hip sense of the word, and they both discovered they were good at this on this show. It really makes me happy. Yes people, that's right, ANTM really made me genuinely happy, with no smarminess or sarcasm or mean social evaluation. It means this will probably be my last season of watching this crap, because I've been turned. Did you notice my non-sarcastic link to a Tyra clip up there? I'm ruined.
Glee: I think the relationship between gay Kurt and his father is the single best thing about this show. I came to tears at that final scene. The writers are playing it really really well. I'm so done with Rachel though, and her not-boyfriend. And WTF Wheelchair Kid, way to be overly self-righteous and snotty to Asian Girl. Are you only going to date people with disabilities? And not even real ones, but stuttering of all things? Shithead.
Top Chef recap: Finally that Woman Goes Home.
Every season, it gets to be sorta towards the end of Top Chef, I'm watching the intro to the show, and I cannot remember who at least a third of those people are. With this season, I wish I could forget almost all of them. From the beginning, it's been just waiting and waiting and waiting for the competition to get down to the final four. KJMB. JKBM, MKBJ. BKMJ. Wish we could have done a double elimination on this show.
For the quickfire, Padma and Nigella had sex. Or maybe you were just supposed to think that, right Bravo? The chefs have to prepare breakfast room service for the ladies, who basically get to sit in bed for 90 minutes and eat six breakfasts. Fuck you Padma.
Ely makes some reuben benedict which wins over Nigella's cold culinary cockles. Kevin, of course, does something awesome. And Jennifer makes Shit on a Shingle.
I had never heard of this dish before my ex-boyfriend made it. It is one of his father's favorite things to eat. I tried it and really couldn't dig it. Creamed and Chipped are not two words that make me salivate. Add Beef, and it spells Dinty Moore in my head. Unfairly, I'm sure. But there you go. The point is, even his dad doesn't think of this as a BREAKFAST DISH. Ely wins, and instead of 15,000 dollars, he gets his recipe in the new Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook, out just in time for Christmas. I don't know why I would buy a cookbook filled with recipes made up on the fly in thirty minutes, but I probably will.
For the main challenge, each chef spends a day being "inspired" by a famous casino on The Strip. For example, Mike Voltron gets New York, New York, and decides to make a boneless chicken wing. Ely gets Circus Circus and makes peanut soup. Ect. It was pretty boring. Jennifer, who really is losing it, makes a big unappealing chunk of meat to represent Excalibur, which seems pretty accurately medieval to me. Bryan Voltron makes an excellent fish thing that wets Nigella's panties, and talks about his son a lot. Kevin says something dumb about how everyone assumes he's a redneck, which makes zero sense to me. I don't think you're a redneck Ginger. I do think you probably listened to too much Rage Against the Machine at some point, but not a redneck. He makes some spicy tomato water, which is apparently an actual thing people say instead of broth.
And then there's Robin. There's always fucking Robin right? Not any more! Robin makes panna cotta of all things, and screws that up even. Nigella makes some quip about the firmness of her P&C, see the headline, and Toby vows to step up his English Mean Girl game. But not even Robin's comedic value can save her forever, and she's sent packing. One of the Voltron brothers wins. It's really not important who. The only question left is will it be Jennifer or Ely next week? Jennifer is Petra Arkanian. Ely is Crazy Tom. Padma is the Hive Queen.
Finally, Macy's would like you to know that there is a Santa Claus, and her name is Queen Latifah.
First of all, did everybody see the super sweet interview with Miss Jay on the Tyra Banks Show yesterday?
Is it weird that Miss Jay reminds me of Bill Cosby a little?
This episode we're down to the three sweetest girls and one very not grownup yet girl who will probably be kinda nice when she gets a little more used to rejection. Oh Erin. I mean, she's 18 and gorgeous, so you shouldn't expect much maybe. Give her some college, a dreadful first day, a few years of ramen, and a son of a bitch cheating boyfriend. Then you'll want to drink with her.
Nicole, who is a shoe-in to win. What's more certain that a shoe-in? A given? A foregone conclusion? A destined prophetic totally already written ending? Girl has had some fucking awesome dresses for judges panel too.
Jennifer, who has really won me over. I think it started with the news host challenge. It's her perfect career. And when she talked about how proud she was of herself, because she doesn't normally succeed at anything, cause she's a big giant quitter? I really want her to get a show on E! like, right now.
And finally, Laura. How can anyone dislike Kentucky girl? I just wish Tyra would be nicer to her grandmother.
All four of these girls have really learned from this show, and that's kind of amazing. It takes a crazy supernatural farce of a show, and adds sincerity and meaning. I'll talk about this more in a little bit.
But first, to sum up. The girls are forced to participate in a hotel exercise class for seniors and divorcees called Hip hop Hula. Laura proves to everybody she knows how to move that junk in her trunk, and win a free trip to teach that class next semester.
Then the girls are dressed up like Pele, the international soccer star, and pose barefoot on incredibly painful volcanic rock while sea water is splashed all over their incredibly expensive soccer outfits. Erin, who it turns out is actually a 60 yr old divorcee herself, learns to soften the inborn bitterness in her face by "singing one of those pop songs that teenagers listen to." It works, but will it be enough to save her? Because, oh yeah, they're doing a double elimination for no apparent reason.
Tyra comes to panel in the act of being eaten alive by a giant flesh colored leg warmer, and creates a new word! Smozing! Smizing and posing at the same time! She is a fucking gift to the English language people.
The ax swings, and Jennifer and Erin are sent home, one to start her incredibly lucrative podcast career, and the other to become an American Apparel girl. Nicole the Classic and Laura the Cute are left, and it's great. Here are two girls who came in very awkward, not pretty in any hip sense of the word, and they both discovered they were good at this on this show. It really makes me happy. Yes people, that's right, ANTM really made me genuinely happy, with no smarminess or sarcasm or mean social evaluation. It means this will probably be my last season of watching this crap, because I've been turned. Did you notice my non-sarcastic link to a Tyra clip up there? I'm ruined.
Glee: I think the relationship between gay Kurt and his father is the single best thing about this show. I came to tears at that final scene. The writers are playing it really really well. I'm so done with Rachel though, and her not-boyfriend. And WTF Wheelchair Kid, way to be overly self-righteous and snotty to Asian Girl. Are you only going to date people with disabilities? And not even real ones, but stuttering of all things? Shithead.
Top Chef recap: Finally that Woman Goes Home.
Every season, it gets to be sorta towards the end of Top Chef, I'm watching the intro to the show, and I cannot remember who at least a third of those people are. With this season, I wish I could forget almost all of them. From the beginning, it's been just waiting and waiting and waiting for the competition to get down to the final four. KJMB. JKBM, MKBJ. BKMJ. Wish we could have done a double elimination on this show.
For the quickfire, Padma and Nigella had sex. Or maybe you were just supposed to think that, right Bravo? The chefs have to prepare breakfast room service for the ladies, who basically get to sit in bed for 90 minutes and eat six breakfasts. Fuck you Padma.
Ely makes some reuben benedict which wins over Nigella's cold culinary cockles. Kevin, of course, does something awesome. And Jennifer makes Shit on a Shingle.
I had never heard of this dish before my ex-boyfriend made it. It is one of his father's favorite things to eat. I tried it and really couldn't dig it. Creamed and Chipped are not two words that make me salivate. Add Beef, and it spells Dinty Moore in my head. Unfairly, I'm sure. But there you go. The point is, even his dad doesn't think of this as a BREAKFAST DISH. Ely wins, and instead of 15,000 dollars, he gets his recipe in the new Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook, out just in time for Christmas. I don't know why I would buy a cookbook filled with recipes made up on the fly in thirty minutes, but I probably will.
For the main challenge, each chef spends a day being "inspired" by a famous casino on The Strip. For example, Mike Voltron gets New York, New York, and decides to make a boneless chicken wing. Ely gets Circus Circus and makes peanut soup. Ect. It was pretty boring. Jennifer, who really is losing it, makes a big unappealing chunk of meat to represent Excalibur, which seems pretty accurately medieval to me. Bryan Voltron makes an excellent fish thing that wets Nigella's panties, and talks about his son a lot. Kevin says something dumb about how everyone assumes he's a redneck, which makes zero sense to me. I don't think you're a redneck Ginger. I do think you probably listened to too much Rage Against the Machine at some point, but not a redneck. He makes some spicy tomato water, which is apparently an actual thing people say instead of broth.
And then there's Robin. There's always fucking Robin right? Not any more! Robin makes panna cotta of all things, and screws that up even. Nigella makes some quip about the firmness of her P&C, see the headline, and Toby vows to step up his English Mean Girl game. But not even Robin's comedic value can save her forever, and she's sent packing. One of the Voltron brothers wins. It's really not important who. The only question left is will it be Jennifer or Ely next week? Jennifer is Petra Arkanian. Ely is Crazy Tom. Padma is the Hive Queen.
Finally, Macy's would like you to know that there is a Santa Claus, and her name is Queen Latifah.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday TV Recap: Leeks are fun!
Oh youth, how confident you are!
ANTM: See, this is why math doesn't matter, girls.
Things I learned tonight from America's Next Top Smurfette.
1) 21 yr olds are actually older than 18 yr olds. No, really. The math girl told me. It's like, a factual thing.
2) One reason it's better to be hot is that you can keep your house in the worst filthy state, and instead of cleaning it and being ashamed, someone will whisk you away to a billion dollar estate in Hawaii.
3) I do not know how to spell Hawaii. I had to spell check a state of my fucking country. Sad.
4) There is such a career path as extreme water sports photographer.
5) In 2 short cycles, Tyra will be taking all the photographs.
6) They have no sun in Kentucky, because the coal smoke and horse farts have blocked it forever. Also, all Kentuckians are mole people.
7) We should all know more about Tibet. "I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed." Someone should have told her Tibet is full of dragons, I bet she would have changed her mind.
8) When a fashion photographer does blackface, it's a controversy. When Tyra does it, it's emboldening, fierceable, and smizening.
9) Every single staff member on that show is a fucking expert on teenage girls. When this show finally dies, they should all go on to write books and be on Oprah.
10) Bye Britany! Remember, philanthropy awaits you in your new career as extremely successful socialite, in about 15 years.
***** I watched about five minutes of Vampire Diaries, because there was no Glee. My boyfriend danced around with some girl in her underwear to a bad cover song meant to evoke debauchery and madness. He then snapped her neck. I watched some Angel.************
Top Chef: Padma, do you know what protein is?
I actually liked the Quickfire this episode. The chefs were asked to create tv dinners based on tv shows, which was fun. No big surprise, Kevin's Italian family style Sopranos dinner won with the Italian chef guest judge. But I thought Bryan's interpretation of M.A.S.H as meatloaf and apple pie was really cute.
The only disturbing part was when Padman mentions TOP CHEF FROZEN DINNERS FROM SCHWAN'S. And then Kevin successfully evoked the idea that these would be like Meals On Wheels, and I think that particular promotion idea fell flat.
But let's move on to the good stuff. So the chefs are told they will be cooking dinners for guests at CraftSteak, Colicchio's almost iconic steakhouse. Yes, you can brand something so well, it becomes iconic. They run into the kitchen like kids at Christmas, shaking all the paper wrapped meaty gold, exclaiming over bits of rump and slices of flank. Then Natalie Portman comes in and kills all their hopes and dreams.
Ely mistakenly says the most important thing Natalie has ever done is be in Star Wars, because that's the most important thing anyone can do. I disagree. This is the most important thing Natalie has ever done:
Let's just examine the following moments:
Kevin - "Every Lent my wife and I go vegetarian as penance" - not an exact quote. I couldn't remember the exact words cause I was screaming "No Kevin! Not Lent!" at the TV, as my crush withered and died. Or at least was left gasping for air.
Eli - feels pity for vegetarians. Cause it's a disability they are forced to live with. PETA, where are you?
Mike Douche - "I'll cook anything. I'll cook goats." What?
Padma, talking about garlic blossoms- "It's like a little prick on my tongue."
Tom - "it went from a little prick to a big taste in your mouth."
All of Natalie's very lucky friends - died from the sheer wonder of being there, and swearing to themselves they will be friends with her forever.
Natalie, on being in love with Voltron Jr. - "who is his dealer, and does he want more clients?"
Also Gail, Leighton Meester wants her Emmy dress back, and is very mad you died it green.
So in the end, Mike Douche had the poetic justice of being sent home before Robin. One can only hope Ely suffers the same fate. Kevin won, again. I was less than thrilled, you Catholic. No, it's true, I still love your chubby little ginger face. But please don't ever tell me anything like that again.
Next week: Is Jennifer the new Erin (from ANTM), and what advice would Tyra give her about self-sabotaging? Maybe we should get her some Autotune?
ANTM: See, this is why math doesn't matter, girls.
Things I learned tonight from America's Next Top Smurfette.
1) 21 yr olds are actually older than 18 yr olds. No, really. The math girl told me. It's like, a factual thing.
2) One reason it's better to be hot is that you can keep your house in the worst filthy state, and instead of cleaning it and being ashamed, someone will whisk you away to a billion dollar estate in Hawaii.
3) I do not know how to spell Hawaii. I had to spell check a state of my fucking country. Sad.
4) There is such a career path as extreme water sports photographer.
5) In 2 short cycles, Tyra will be taking all the photographs.
6) They have no sun in Kentucky, because the coal smoke and horse farts have blocked it forever. Also, all Kentuckians are mole people.
7) We should all know more about Tibet. "I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed." Someone should have told her Tibet is full of dragons, I bet she would have changed her mind.
8) When a fashion photographer does blackface, it's a controversy. When Tyra does it, it's emboldening, fierceable, and smizening.
9) Every single staff member on that show is a fucking expert on teenage girls. When this show finally dies, they should all go on to write books and be on Oprah.
10) Bye Britany! Remember, philanthropy awaits you in your new career as extremely successful socialite, in about 15 years.
***** I watched about five minutes of Vampire Diaries, because there was no Glee. My boyfriend danced around with some girl in her underwear to a bad cover song meant to evoke debauchery and madness. He then snapped her neck. I watched some Angel.************
Top Chef: Padma, do you know what protein is?
I actually liked the Quickfire this episode. The chefs were asked to create tv dinners based on tv shows, which was fun. No big surprise, Kevin's Italian family style Sopranos dinner won with the Italian chef guest judge. But I thought Bryan's interpretation of M.A.S.H as meatloaf and apple pie was really cute.
The only disturbing part was when Padman mentions TOP CHEF FROZEN DINNERS FROM SCHWAN'S. And then Kevin successfully evoked the idea that these would be like Meals On Wheels, and I think that particular promotion idea fell flat.
But let's move on to the good stuff. So the chefs are told they will be cooking dinners for guests at CraftSteak, Colicchio's almost iconic steakhouse. Yes, you can brand something so well, it becomes iconic. They run into the kitchen like kids at Christmas, shaking all the paper wrapped meaty gold, exclaiming over bits of rump and slices of flank. Then Natalie Portman comes in and kills all their hopes and dreams.
Ely mistakenly says the most important thing Natalie has ever done is be in Star Wars, because that's the most important thing anyone can do. I disagree. This is the most important thing Natalie has ever done:
Let's just examine the following moments:
Kevin - "Every Lent my wife and I go vegetarian as penance" - not an exact quote. I couldn't remember the exact words cause I was screaming "No Kevin! Not Lent!" at the TV, as my crush withered and died. Or at least was left gasping for air.
Eli - feels pity for vegetarians. Cause it's a disability they are forced to live with. PETA, where are you?
Mike Douche - "I'll cook anything. I'll cook goats." What?
Padma, talking about garlic blossoms- "It's like a little prick on my tongue."
Tom - "it went from a little prick to a big taste in your mouth."
All of Natalie's very lucky friends - died from the sheer wonder of being there, and swearing to themselves they will be friends with her forever.
Natalie, on being in love with Voltron Jr. - "who is his dealer, and does he want more clients?"
Also Gail, Leighton Meester wants her Emmy dress back, and is very mad you died it green.
So in the end, Mike Douche had the poetic justice of being sent home before Robin. One can only hope Ely suffers the same fate. Kevin won, again. I was less than thrilled, you Catholic. No, it's true, I still love your chubby little ginger face. But please don't ever tell me anything like that again.
Next week: Is Jennifer the new Erin (from ANTM), and what advice would Tyra give her about self-sabotaging? Maybe we should get her some Autotune?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday TV Recap: Hey Everybody, Laura is Dyslexic!
Okay, so you see that face I'm making in my profile picture. I keep thinking about changing it, cause I look at it and I'm like, gee that's a weird face. Why do I want people to think I'm a Yugoslavian witch who thinks they have bad taste in music?
Well, it turns out that is the face I make when it's one in the morning, and I've gotten a little messed up, and watched a bunch of reality TV I was not in the mood for tonight. Loopy, exhausted, alternately hopeless and high from snarkiness.
Tonight I corralled poor Gracie, the cat that has been living outside The Ex's building for the last summer. The neighbors that just moved from there, C and M, had started feeding her, cause she kept coming around and was so freaking friendly and small and sweet. And pregnant. Then she had the kitten, and brought it to the porch to give it to them, and the new neighbors ended up taking the kitten, but of course they didn't want two cats. So Gracie is still on the porch, and I've been feeding her and trying to figure out what to do with her. I sorta feel like when an animal adopts you, you have to take care of them. I also realize that is the attitude that will get me fifteen cats and a very unhappy life. The Ex has sort of thought about taking her, but really doesn't want a second cat, and it doesn't help that his existing cat kinda hates Gracie now. So adorable wonderful Gracie is at the moment in his bathroom, while I try to figure out what to do with her after I take her to the APL to get fixed.
Right, so that's my night. I was not in the mood to watch ANTM or even Top Chef. I even thought to myself, I should just watch Glee and go to bed at 10 and maybe stop watching tv altogether. Of course, it's 1am, so we can see how that turned out.
So since I've watched them, lets talk about them. But keep in mind I watched the Angel episode where Connor and Holtz are sucked into the hell dimension while Wesley bleeds out from his throat in a park all alone, right before I sat down to this computer. So we'll see.
America's Next Top Model: The Disappearing Girl
Let's think of some current models who are "double or triple threats".
I can only mostly think of old ones: Heidi, Cindy, Brooke.
Because being a host on a show or an actress is something models do either when they get so successful they can't breathe, or when they fail at being a model. That being said, Jennifer, you should really practices doing interviews on weird people like Ant and that girl from 90210. I think that is a very good place for you to head to, and nobody will give two shits about your tiny eyelid flaw. You're only going to be on this show for another episode, maybe two. Tell your agent to get started now.
I don't understand why we're speeding up the challenges like this. Last week, go sees, and this week, the dread CoverGirl commercial? Which is usually reserved for the last 4 girls. First there was the interview challenge, where you got to actually see the platform the muppet actors stand behind while filming, so that was kind of cool. Though I was never one of those kids who needed that explained. Poor Laura, who can't read certain things because she's dyslexic, and I like her so no need to make fun there, Laura had to read things off a teleprompter which had to suck hardcore. But then *twist* they cut off the prompter, and she kinda sucked then too. Jennifer was the only one who nailed this.
Then time to truck out the CoverGirl zombie winner from last season. I sometimes wonder if the new girls, meeting a Bree or a Teyonna, second guess themselves. "Hmm, maybe I should have just tried to make it on my own, I could have been slutty enough. Maybe this isn't worth it." Nah, of course they don't. Everybody loves CoverGirl right? right? Cause it's Exacting New Lash Volume Glimmer Plumping time darlings. Teyonna is being kept alive on Stay True Highlights, sparkling water, and fashion columnist blood.
Jennifer and Nicole both do very well in the commercial, considering the wreckage that has been past years. Laura can't read, so, you know, duh. Erin literally has a temper tantrum in front of Nigel. 4 times. He's probably fucking his wife thinking about it right now. Anyway, Erin's commercial is basically a heroin addict trying to get money from her folks. It's the saddest Cover Girl commercial in history. She even looks like she's crying in it, cause she is! They should use it.
During elimination, Tyra says something about "1+1=3" to Britany, who shuts down right there. It's over for her. I don't blame her, after all, not only is it not true, it didn't make any sense cause they were pushing a trio of CG products. So how does three products translate to 1+1=3 in Tyra's head? Math Girl With an Actual Career Ahead of Her has had enough. Nicole looked super cute in her glasses and indie pop singer outfit. Erin channeled Marie Antoinette. And maybe it was my tv, but when Tyra got down to the last two girls, did her voice get all echoey and auto tuney? Very epic, with creepy soundtrack music behind it.
Then Rae went home. Wait, who?
Top Chef Las Vegas: I'm warning you Bravo, I will throw something at the TV
So the rule in horror movies, I've been told, is that the slutty girl who loses her virginity,or has sex, or does something otherwise Eve in the Garden like, will be killed first. Do I have that right? I think one of the Bravo editors decided to add some layers, and showed Jennifer in her bikini on purpose in the beginning for that very effect. It's a theory.
But then what to make of the sweet little Voltron brother rivalry?Mike V. was the edit baby this week, and we got to all learn about what an asshole he is, as a setup for his ultimate redemption right?
First, there's this Tag-Off cooking thing, and like Kevin said, this is the most ridiculous Quickfire ever. So let's just move past it.
Restaurant Wars. Everybody's favorite challenge except for me. Cause I could care less about your decorating skills, or your front of the house skills. This challenge is painful for me to watch, because it's going to get fucked up no matter what. Always. And how the hell do I get myself invited to be one of the guests for this thing? Is there a drawing I can enter, a mailing list? Do I have to go suck up to a bunch of food bloggers? I'll do anything.
Thankfully, they got rid of that decor shit this year. I'm not watching Top Design Star after all. For a reason. This year it's really simple; create a menu, cook it, serve a bunch of people.
The Voltron brothers are paired with Robin and Ely, and still win. Because together, they are Voltron. Mike is kind of an asshole, but gets his big twist by winning 10,000 and then offering to split it with the team. Cause, you know, he's got a heart of gold and platinum and diamond transistors. Bryan is calm. Brian is calm. Brian is calm. Ely keeps his cool around Robin by completely avoiding her as much as he can, and does an okay front of the house. Not great, he could have tucked his shirt in.
But at least he didn't look like a bitter serving wench in some East German bar circa 1974. Laurine didn't even tell the judges what they were eating, just dumped the slop down in front of them and left. Who the fuck does that? The rest of her team, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike Douche, do a really good job of fucking up on top of that. And Jennifer, I'm personally mad at you for that. How could you have allowed the judges to make me think, believe, feel if even for an instant, that you might be sent home? Do you know what that would have done to me? I might have even stopped watching!
I let out an audible sigh when Laurine was sent packing instead. I felt embarrassed for myself.
And the episode ended with the Voltron brothers going back and forth. "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad" "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad, I'm happy." "You're mad." "I'm not mad."
Which is how the ship found them, centuries later, sitting in the rubble, their cold fusion hearts stuck in an eternal dialogue. The tattoos had faded from the elements, but the unwrinkled brows remained unchanged, with a glimmer of gold from their Exacting Highlights Natural Human Makeup, shade #3.
Note: looks like Natalie Portman is pulling a Zooey Deschanel next week. I hate that I live in a world where I can say that, and it has meaning for you.
Well, it turns out that is the face I make when it's one in the morning, and I've gotten a little messed up, and watched a bunch of reality TV I was not in the mood for tonight. Loopy, exhausted, alternately hopeless and high from snarkiness.
Tonight I corralled poor Gracie, the cat that has been living outside The Ex's building for the last summer. The neighbors that just moved from there, C and M, had started feeding her, cause she kept coming around and was so freaking friendly and small and sweet. And pregnant. Then she had the kitten, and brought it to the porch to give it to them, and the new neighbors ended up taking the kitten, but of course they didn't want two cats. So Gracie is still on the porch, and I've been feeding her and trying to figure out what to do with her. I sorta feel like when an animal adopts you, you have to take care of them. I also realize that is the attitude that will get me fifteen cats and a very unhappy life. The Ex has sort of thought about taking her, but really doesn't want a second cat, and it doesn't help that his existing cat kinda hates Gracie now. So adorable wonderful Gracie is at the moment in his bathroom, while I try to figure out what to do with her after I take her to the APL to get fixed.
Right, so that's my night. I was not in the mood to watch ANTM or even Top Chef. I even thought to myself, I should just watch Glee and go to bed at 10 and maybe stop watching tv altogether. Of course, it's 1am, so we can see how that turned out.
So since I've watched them, lets talk about them. But keep in mind I watched the Angel episode where Connor and Holtz are sucked into the hell dimension while Wesley bleeds out from his throat in a park all alone, right before I sat down to this computer. So we'll see.
America's Next Top Model: The Disappearing Girl
Let's think of some current models who are "double or triple threats".
I can only mostly think of old ones: Heidi, Cindy, Brooke.
Because being a host on a show or an actress is something models do either when they get so successful they can't breathe, or when they fail at being a model. That being said, Jennifer, you should really practices doing interviews on weird people like Ant and that girl from 90210. I think that is a very good place for you to head to, and nobody will give two shits about your tiny eyelid flaw. You're only going to be on this show for another episode, maybe two. Tell your agent to get started now.
I don't understand why we're speeding up the challenges like this. Last week, go sees, and this week, the dread CoverGirl commercial? Which is usually reserved for the last 4 girls. First there was the interview challenge, where you got to actually see the platform the muppet actors stand behind while filming, so that was kind of cool. Though I was never one of those kids who needed that explained. Poor Laura, who can't read certain things because she's dyslexic, and I like her so no need to make fun there, Laura had to read things off a teleprompter which had to suck hardcore. But then *twist* they cut off the prompter, and she kinda sucked then too. Jennifer was the only one who nailed this.
Then time to truck out the CoverGirl zombie winner from last season. I sometimes wonder if the new girls, meeting a Bree or a Teyonna, second guess themselves. "Hmm, maybe I should have just tried to make it on my own, I could have been slutty enough. Maybe this isn't worth it." Nah, of course they don't. Everybody loves CoverGirl right? right? Cause it's Exacting New Lash Volume Glimmer Plumping time darlings. Teyonna is being kept alive on Stay True Highlights, sparkling water, and fashion columnist blood.
Jennifer and Nicole both do very well in the commercial, considering the wreckage that has been past years. Laura can't read, so, you know, duh. Erin literally has a temper tantrum in front of Nigel. 4 times. He's probably fucking his wife thinking about it right now. Anyway, Erin's commercial is basically a heroin addict trying to get money from her folks. It's the saddest Cover Girl commercial in history. She even looks like she's crying in it, cause she is! They should use it.
During elimination, Tyra says something about "1+1=3" to Britany, who shuts down right there. It's over for her. I don't blame her, after all, not only is it not true, it didn't make any sense cause they were pushing a trio of CG products. So how does three products translate to 1+1=3 in Tyra's head? Math Girl With an Actual Career Ahead of Her has had enough. Nicole looked super cute in her glasses and indie pop singer outfit. Erin channeled Marie Antoinette. And maybe it was my tv, but when Tyra got down to the last two girls, did her voice get all echoey and auto tuney? Very epic, with creepy soundtrack music behind it.
Then Rae went home. Wait, who?
Top Chef Las Vegas: I'm warning you Bravo, I will throw something at the TV
So the rule in horror movies, I've been told, is that the slutty girl who loses her virginity,or has sex, or does something otherwise Eve in the Garden like, will be killed first. Do I have that right? I think one of the Bravo editors decided to add some layers, and showed Jennifer in her bikini on purpose in the beginning for that very effect. It's a theory.
But then what to make of the sweet little Voltron brother rivalry?Mike V. was the edit baby this week, and we got to all learn about what an asshole he is, as a setup for his ultimate redemption right?
First, there's this Tag-Off cooking thing, and like Kevin said, this is the most ridiculous Quickfire ever. So let's just move past it.
Restaurant Wars. Everybody's favorite challenge except for me. Cause I could care less about your decorating skills, or your front of the house skills. This challenge is painful for me to watch, because it's going to get fucked up no matter what. Always. And how the hell do I get myself invited to be one of the guests for this thing? Is there a drawing I can enter, a mailing list? Do I have to go suck up to a bunch of food bloggers? I'll do anything.
Thankfully, they got rid of that decor shit this year. I'm not watching Top Design Star after all. For a reason. This year it's really simple; create a menu, cook it, serve a bunch of people.
The Voltron brothers are paired with Robin and Ely, and still win. Because together, they are Voltron. Mike is kind of an asshole, but gets his big twist by winning 10,000 and then offering to split it with the team. Cause, you know, he's got a heart of gold and platinum and diamond transistors. Bryan is calm. Brian is calm. Brian is calm. Ely keeps his cool around Robin by completely avoiding her as much as he can, and does an okay front of the house. Not great, he could have tucked his shirt in.
But at least he didn't look like a bitter serving wench in some East German bar circa 1974. Laurine didn't even tell the judges what they were eating, just dumped the slop down in front of them and left. Who the fuck does that? The rest of her team, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike Douche, do a really good job of fucking up on top of that. And Jennifer, I'm personally mad at you for that. How could you have allowed the judges to make me think, believe, feel if even for an instant, that you might be sent home? Do you know what that would have done to me? I might have even stopped watching!
I let out an audible sigh when Laurine was sent packing instead. I felt embarrassed for myself.
And the episode ended with the Voltron brothers going back and forth. "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad" "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad, I'm happy." "You're mad." "I'm not mad."
Which is how the ship found them, centuries later, sitting in the rubble, their cold fusion hearts stuck in an eternal dialogue. The tattoos had faded from the elements, but the unwrinkled brows remained unchanged, with a glimmer of gold from their Exacting Highlights Natural Human Makeup, shade #3.
Note: looks like Natalie Portman is pulling a Zooey Deschanel next week. I hate that I live in a world where I can say that, and it has meaning for you.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday Night is Shout At the TV Night: ANTM is a morality tale y'all, pay attention!
Okay so first of all, I have a bone to pick with someone. I don't know who, but I would have expected at least one of you to point out to me that my boyfriend from Rules of Attraction is on Vampire Diaries. That guy's so hot, I can't even think of him in a sexual way. So maybe he's not hot, he's just heart-breakingly mind numbingly beautiful.I'm somewhat disturbed by a few trailer scenes where he looks suspiciously like Rob Lowe. But I guess I'm also disturbed by my ability to find Rob Lowe cute. *shudders*
I really just want to jump into Top Chef, because I have something I want to scream to the rooftops. But if we abandon chronology, don't we taint the whole experience? On ANTM tonight, Wilhemina put the smackdown, scheduling the go-sees way early, with 8 girls, instead of 4. It felt wrong. It felt mean. Then, to rub salt in the wound, they made a bunch of out of town short girls get in a car and drive around Los Angeles. It was as if Wilhemina was trying actively to get someone killed, barely holding back their impatience to sing their phantom fangs into new young flesh.
The only couple worth watching were the Golden Girls, Laura and Nicole. As promised, Laura's photo shoot last week opened her up like an apple flower, pretty, cute, but not fragile. Hey, let's make fun of Laura's accent! No problem, she'll just draw her vowels out longer and oh, she'll get called edgy for the first time in her life, and feel the first tendrils of success and confidence start to surround her, like warm veins. And Nicole, standing tall and red, charms everyone with her book club aloofness, her second string volleyball team awkwardness. The other girls start to wither and die in their barely gilt exuberance, becoming dirty shadows in the background as their smack talk becomes the chattering of those they left behind.
Nicole wins the go-see challenge handily, and tries out her new expensive wardrobe, starting to appreciate the particular softness of really expensive clothes. Erin starts to say something about favoritism, and Nicole answers from within the depths of her straining soul, "no, I earned this."
Kara talks a bunch of shit, but it's kinda sad, because you realize she's not really good at it, and then you just want her to stop and just go cry in the corner some where the cameras can't see her. At one point she says Nicole has the social graces of a fetus, and I kinda want to write her a letter on behalf of fetuses everywhere.
Then Jay Manuel, apparently recreating every Top Model fantasy he's ever had in the last 12 cycles, dresses the girls up like Street Fighter characters and puts them in wire harnesses. No fighting each other, which is too bad. Anyone else want to offer an opinion on why Laura was the only one not to choose a sword? I mean, it was a toss up, but I think Laura maybe was better than Nicole. Kara fell apart, and took pictures like a wooden doll, or a five year old. Then she gets sent home, and I wonder where Sundai will gravitate next? She's like the golden apple rolling among goddess sandals.
On Glee, music numbers weren't so hot. There was one funny line, but I can't remember what it was. Eh.
Okay, I was good, I waited. BUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS PADMA WEARING? I'm serious. I remember trying to sew clothes for my Barbie when I was 8, and I kinda feel like someone in the wardrobe department is doing that to Padma. Fringe and giant white pleather gold belt. Oh god. And that suit in the second half? Like she was a Korean missionary's wife in cast-offs.
(listening to the Decemberists makes me remember that no one will ever love me because I don't have green eyes.)
Okay, so it was Ely's turn around the editing table. We learn that all his problems with Robin stem from his passive aggressive relationship with his Jewish mother. Who he still lives with. There's a Quickfire that is less than memorable. Jennifer is all freaked out because she overcooks her pork chops, whatever lady, relax, I love you more than I ever did Stephanie. Kevin says something about being inspired by green bean casserole, which sounds horrible, and then it turns out his idea of inspiration is ACTUAL inspiration, because the dish bears no resemblance to that. He's so good. I mean, all four of them, Kevin, Jennifer, the Voltron brothers. They are just really fucking talented. I wish I could just watch them in their own show, competing against each other for eternity. Freeze them how they are now, in the glow of their youth and skill.
Some guy named Charles Palmer shows up, looking like either a mortgage banker or a cattle rancher. He likes to shoot boars and then leave them like presents for his chefs in his super nice restaurant, from which the Voltron Brothers sprung fully formed. He has the worst word pairing ever, and he's decided to use it as the name for his annual fundraiser " Pigs and Pinot". I hate that. On multiple repulsive levels. I hate that it's cute. I hate that it makes think of wine spilling like blood from a gutted animal. I hate that it makes me smell stained polo shirts and greasy chins. I hate listening to people talk about pinot.
Here are some words used by the chefs tonight to describe their pinot choices: cherry, vanilla, cola, hibiscus, root beer, citrus. So basically it sounds like pinot noir is the Dr. Pepper of wines.
The challenge is to get assigned a pig part, and then pair your dish with a pinot, and serve it at a tasting populated by what you imagine populates every wine tasting EVER. Ely gets to wax pretentious about wine. Ash does what Ash knows he shouldn't do, and takes a dish suggestion from Mike Douche. Who makes a chilled pork loin, first of all. That sounds disgusting, the very words remind me of chicken salad. It leaves the same taste in my mind. Laurine makes something that the woman from Food and Wine describes as "cat food". Robin sucks, like always.
But it's Ash's chilled pork loin that gets him sent home, doomed by Padma's famous phrase "Did you taste your dish?" I swear, they should make that the new Top Chef tagline.
Oh, and winner's circle? Guess.
Wait, did I forget to mention where Mike V makes fun of Ely for his constant shit talking of Robin by adding "and then he slept with her" to everything? That was fantastic. Ely is like, 12.
And Mike Douche has an eyeball tattooed on his hand? Presumably so he can get a closer view of himself...nevermind, that's inappropriate.
I really just want to jump into Top Chef, because I have something I want to scream to the rooftops. But if we abandon chronology, don't we taint the whole experience? On ANTM tonight, Wilhemina put the smackdown, scheduling the go-sees way early, with 8 girls, instead of 4. It felt wrong. It felt mean. Then, to rub salt in the wound, they made a bunch of out of town short girls get in a car and drive around Los Angeles. It was as if Wilhemina was trying actively to get someone killed, barely holding back their impatience to sing their phantom fangs into new young flesh.
The only couple worth watching were the Golden Girls, Laura and Nicole. As promised, Laura's photo shoot last week opened her up like an apple flower, pretty, cute, but not fragile. Hey, let's make fun of Laura's accent! No problem, she'll just draw her vowels out longer and oh, she'll get called edgy for the first time in her life, and feel the first tendrils of success and confidence start to surround her, like warm veins. And Nicole, standing tall and red, charms everyone with her book club aloofness, her second string volleyball team awkwardness. The other girls start to wither and die in their barely gilt exuberance, becoming dirty shadows in the background as their smack talk becomes the chattering of those they left behind.
Nicole wins the go-see challenge handily, and tries out her new expensive wardrobe, starting to appreciate the particular softness of really expensive clothes. Erin starts to say something about favoritism, and Nicole answers from within the depths of her straining soul, "no, I earned this."
Kara talks a bunch of shit, but it's kinda sad, because you realize she's not really good at it, and then you just want her to stop and just go cry in the corner some where the cameras can't see her. At one point she says Nicole has the social graces of a fetus, and I kinda want to write her a letter on behalf of fetuses everywhere.
Then Jay Manuel, apparently recreating every Top Model fantasy he's ever had in the last 12 cycles, dresses the girls up like Street Fighter characters and puts them in wire harnesses. No fighting each other, which is too bad. Anyone else want to offer an opinion on why Laura was the only one not to choose a sword? I mean, it was a toss up, but I think Laura maybe was better than Nicole. Kara fell apart, and took pictures like a wooden doll, or a five year old. Then she gets sent home, and I wonder where Sundai will gravitate next? She's like the golden apple rolling among goddess sandals.
On Glee, music numbers weren't so hot. There was one funny line, but I can't remember what it was. Eh.
Okay, I was good, I waited. BUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS PADMA WEARING? I'm serious. I remember trying to sew clothes for my Barbie when I was 8, and I kinda feel like someone in the wardrobe department is doing that to Padma. Fringe and giant white pleather gold belt. Oh god. And that suit in the second half? Like she was a Korean missionary's wife in cast-offs.
(listening to the Decemberists makes me remember that no one will ever love me because I don't have green eyes.)
Okay, so it was Ely's turn around the editing table. We learn that all his problems with Robin stem from his passive aggressive relationship with his Jewish mother. Who he still lives with. There's a Quickfire that is less than memorable. Jennifer is all freaked out because she overcooks her pork chops, whatever lady, relax, I love you more than I ever did Stephanie. Kevin says something about being inspired by green bean casserole, which sounds horrible, and then it turns out his idea of inspiration is ACTUAL inspiration, because the dish bears no resemblance to that. He's so good. I mean, all four of them, Kevin, Jennifer, the Voltron brothers. They are just really fucking talented. I wish I could just watch them in their own show, competing against each other for eternity. Freeze them how they are now, in the glow of their youth and skill.
Some guy named Charles Palmer shows up, looking like either a mortgage banker or a cattle rancher. He likes to shoot boars and then leave them like presents for his chefs in his super nice restaurant, from which the Voltron Brothers sprung fully formed. He has the worst word pairing ever, and he's decided to use it as the name for his annual fundraiser " Pigs and Pinot". I hate that. On multiple repulsive levels. I hate that it's cute. I hate that it makes think of wine spilling like blood from a gutted animal. I hate that it makes me smell stained polo shirts and greasy chins. I hate listening to people talk about pinot.
Here are some words used by the chefs tonight to describe their pinot choices: cherry, vanilla, cola, hibiscus, root beer, citrus. So basically it sounds like pinot noir is the Dr. Pepper of wines.
The challenge is to get assigned a pig part, and then pair your dish with a pinot, and serve it at a tasting populated by what you imagine populates every wine tasting EVER. Ely gets to wax pretentious about wine. Ash does what Ash knows he shouldn't do, and takes a dish suggestion from Mike Douche. Who makes a chilled pork loin, first of all. That sounds disgusting, the very words remind me of chicken salad. It leaves the same taste in my mind. Laurine makes something that the woman from Food and Wine describes as "cat food". Robin sucks, like always.
But it's Ash's chilled pork loin that gets him sent home, doomed by Padma's famous phrase "Did you taste your dish?" I swear, they should make that the new Top Chef tagline.
Oh, and winner's circle? Guess.
Wait, did I forget to mention where Mike V makes fun of Ely for his constant shit talking of Robin by adding "and then he slept with her" to everything? That was fantastic. Ely is like, 12.
And Mike Douche has an eyeball tattooed on his hand? Presumably so he can get a closer view of himself...nevermind, that's inappropriate.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday TV Recap: Because, really, you need one. You just don't know it.
ANTM: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
I wonder exactly how many male Tyra Banks impersonators there are? Really? A Google search of that phrase turned up a 2007 call by the Tyra Banks Show for Tyra impersonators. Funny.
One of the wonderful things about watching reality TV like this is really getting to know the deviousness of editors. Seriously, I would have ethical doubts about dating one. But the wonderful "ah-ha" feeling when the whole episode comes to its thrilling conclusion with a TWIST, it's unbeatable. We had a moment like that last night, when we realized that all along they had been priming Kara to take Ashley's place. You always guess that the one who gets the most airtime is going to be eliminated, but this time, oh my gosh, they were practically equals! And then they were both in the bottom two! TWIST.
I really think a reality show editor would take his grandmothers death at her 90th birthday to compose a stunning shocking expose on the perils of inheritance taxes.
(I hate that this Raconteurs song starts off sounding like the Pixies. Then it becomes whiny and yucky. It's like starting to eat an ice cream cone, and finding out it's actually creamy sardines.)
So Kara, being primed for her destiny as Queen of Trashy Indiana, talks all sorts of shit. And Ashley, the Dancing Queen Who Can't Dance, talks some more shit. Then there's this dance challenge, where a bunch of serial killers send a message through pops and locks, that message being "Please, do something worthwhile and artistic with your life." The girls have to create a dance in trios, like little witches, to express three emotions, or they are told they will be turned into Serial Killers too, with Mr. Jay's Fancy Little Permanent Mask Machine. Ashley gets paired with Mena Suvari and Nicole the Awkward, and oh by the way, SHE'S A DANCE TEACHER. But Kara watched her older sister perform nightly at the Silver Fox Lounge in Indianapolis, and works that shit out.
Nicole complains about how she can't change the inflection in her voice. Um. Yes, you can. It's actually one of those things most people can do. Look, I can change the fucking inflections on a keyboard. You can be bothered to put a little effort in that.
Kara asks if she can do a cartwheel? Everyone gets really happy,
Ashley's team loses, because in fact she forgot she taught gym class for kindergartners, not dance. Duh. Ashley's actual charm is in her complete denial of her flaws. She goes back to the house, faced with her incompetence, and immediately lets more shit leak out of her dark organless void, like oil down the back of a poisoned otter floating face down.
Then it's off to Cirque De Soleil, so Jay Manual can play out his fantasy of floating away on a cotillion of beautiful red balloons, never to return. The girls are dressed up like Sarah from The Labyrinth, and then fed slowly one by one to the Giant Snail that is Michael Rosenthal's photographic genius. Laura is so excited to be wearing a sparkly dress, she spontaneously becomes the girl you always wish you saw in the mirror before going to club. It's beautiful. That photo shoot changed her life.
And in the end it changed us all. Because stupid Ashley goes home, and Kara accepts the thorny crown. Nothing will ever be the same. Also, I find it depressing that I can create a Pandora station based off Franz Ferdinand, and they can't play a single song I don't know all the words too. Also, it makes total sense it would be mostly Cake. I can't believe I never saw that before.
On Glee, a bunch of kids get high on over the counter drugs and Dance Their Fucking Asses Off While Being Awesome.
Miracle of all Miracles, there was actually a new Top Chef on. Oh wait, I forgot to mention. How horrible is that new end song ANTM plays when the loser if packing up? Gawd that's bad. Anyway, new Top Chef.
At first there's sadness. Jennifer is sick, and it's like watching a race horse stumble, wondering if it will get shot. The first quickfire, she ends up in the bottom. But to be fair, it was Tyler Florence and a slot machine, so maybe her innate culinary genius wouldn't let her succeed. The contestants had to get three random words (it's a game of threes tonight people), and from that, create some dish over-seasoned enough for even a Food Network star to like. Ashley gets the combination Blue Cheesy Middle Eastern, which she somehow fucking pulls off by making a feta pudding. Robin makes a curry, and calls it Umami Middle Eastern, which is hilarious when Padma Lakshmi, our Indian hostess, points out curry is not Middle Eastern. BURN. Kevin wins and gets a choice to get immunity or lots of money. Of course he picks the money, BECAUSE HE MADE BACON JAM ONCE MOTHERFUCKERS. He doesn't come out and say "shit, Robin and Laurine are still here, I got time", but hey, we know he knew it.
Oh, and apparently, umami means mushrooms, not MSG like I thought. My bad.
Did you know there is something called the Macy's Culinary Council? You know those Macy's commercials where all those stupid celebrities are pimping their shit, and Martha Stewart controls the table settings like that scene in Sleeping Beauty with the dishes, or the mice making the dress in Cinderella? I imagine that Martha is the head of this Culinary Cabal, and that they really do meet at midnight in the kitchen wares sections, deciding the fate of every organic farm on the West Coast.
Anyway, these douchebags (you heard me Nancy Silverton, imagine letting Tyler Florence speak for you! The shame.) all give bags of ingredients to our paired up partners, and they have to cook family style dinners, just like in that commercial!
Jennifer and Kevin get paired, and when they touch, rainbows spring from their fingers. They also get the bag with Kobe beef, and the whole house explodes in a miasma of joy and balance, universal culinary harmony heralding the golden dawn of the playful chef! Tom Colicchio morphs into a silver sparkly unicorn, and bounds away, free of his chains, into the Las Vegas sunset.
Mike I. gets paired with Robin, and and proves the golden rule of meatheads. They are always more stupid and crass and obnoxious then you really can guess. You think you can hang with one for a few days, get drunk, be a little slutty, they're not so bad. WRONG. They totally are. At one point, Mike is running for the kitchen and falls flat on his face. I suspect that will someday sum up his entire life.
While the "dinner guests" sit at their table, all casual and shit, Tyler casually delivers an impromptu memorized press release for Macy's, and Toby Young give him a look that would, if he had any, cut off his balls.
So let's see, Jennifer and Kevin automatically win right? Right.
Mike I., despite his supreme ballsack impression, manages to pull off some decent Asian thing.
Bryan V. makes his halibut polenta thing pretty well.
Mike V. has his power go out while cooking his halibut, and the fish gets overcooked. He might have been screwed, if Ash hadn't admitted he was just his sous chef the whole time, and talked about what a fucking genius he was, giving Mike V. the judge's pity vote. Tyler says something stupid about how chefs have to cook in lots of inconvenient places, so that's no excuse blah blah. Listen, unless you've been giving cooking lessons in the Sudan? Shut the Fuck Up.
Oh, but Ashley and Ely. Ely, as far as I can tell, does nothing in this entire episode except oversalt the damn gnocchi. But does Ashley give him up? Does she scream at the judges "this oversized 12 yr old ruined my dish, which I created entirely because he's incapable of doing anything except jerking off to ironic reruns of Baywatch?" No. No she doesn't. And because in the end Ashley showed herself to be a true professional, she was sent home. Good bye Ashley. I totally underestimated you in the beginning, and for that, and some other things, I apologize.
My favorite commercial of the moment:
I wonder exactly how many male Tyra Banks impersonators there are? Really? A Google search of that phrase turned up a 2007 call by the Tyra Banks Show for Tyra impersonators. Funny.
One of the wonderful things about watching reality TV like this is really getting to know the deviousness of editors. Seriously, I would have ethical doubts about dating one. But the wonderful "ah-ha" feeling when the whole episode comes to its thrilling conclusion with a TWIST, it's unbeatable. We had a moment like that last night, when we realized that all along they had been priming Kara to take Ashley's place. You always guess that the one who gets the most airtime is going to be eliminated, but this time, oh my gosh, they were practically equals! And then they were both in the bottom two! TWIST.
I really think a reality show editor would take his grandmothers death at her 90th birthday to compose a stunning shocking expose on the perils of inheritance taxes.
(I hate that this Raconteurs song starts off sounding like the Pixies. Then it becomes whiny and yucky. It's like starting to eat an ice cream cone, and finding out it's actually creamy sardines.)
So Kara, being primed for her destiny as Queen of Trashy Indiana, talks all sorts of shit. And Ashley, the Dancing Queen Who Can't Dance, talks some more shit. Then there's this dance challenge, where a bunch of serial killers send a message through pops and locks, that message being "Please, do something worthwhile and artistic with your life." The girls have to create a dance in trios, like little witches, to express three emotions, or they are told they will be turned into Serial Killers too, with Mr. Jay's Fancy Little Permanent Mask Machine. Ashley gets paired with Mena Suvari and Nicole the Awkward, and oh by the way, SHE'S A DANCE TEACHER. But Kara watched her older sister perform nightly at the Silver Fox Lounge in Indianapolis, and works that shit out.
Nicole complains about how she can't change the inflection in her voice. Um. Yes, you can. It's actually one of those things most people can do. Look, I can change the fucking inflections on a keyboard. You can be bothered to put a little effort in that.
Kara asks if she can do a cartwheel? Everyone gets really happy,
Ashley's team loses, because in fact she forgot she taught gym class for kindergartners, not dance. Duh. Ashley's actual charm is in her complete denial of her flaws. She goes back to the house, faced with her incompetence, and immediately lets more shit leak out of her dark organless void, like oil down the back of a poisoned otter floating face down.
Then it's off to Cirque De Soleil, so Jay Manual can play out his fantasy of floating away on a cotillion of beautiful red balloons, never to return. The girls are dressed up like Sarah from The Labyrinth, and then fed slowly one by one to the Giant Snail that is Michael Rosenthal's photographic genius. Laura is so excited to be wearing a sparkly dress, she spontaneously becomes the girl you always wish you saw in the mirror before going to club. It's beautiful. That photo shoot changed her life.
And in the end it changed us all. Because stupid Ashley goes home, and Kara accepts the thorny crown. Nothing will ever be the same. Also, I find it depressing that I can create a Pandora station based off Franz Ferdinand, and they can't play a single song I don't know all the words too. Also, it makes total sense it would be mostly Cake. I can't believe I never saw that before.
On Glee, a bunch of kids get high on over the counter drugs and Dance Their Fucking Asses Off While Being Awesome.
Miracle of all Miracles, there was actually a new Top Chef on. Oh wait, I forgot to mention. How horrible is that new end song ANTM plays when the loser if packing up? Gawd that's bad. Anyway, new Top Chef.
At first there's sadness. Jennifer is sick, and it's like watching a race horse stumble, wondering if it will get shot. The first quickfire, she ends up in the bottom. But to be fair, it was Tyler Florence and a slot machine, so maybe her innate culinary genius wouldn't let her succeed. The contestants had to get three random words (it's a game of threes tonight people), and from that, create some dish over-seasoned enough for even a Food Network star to like. Ashley gets the combination Blue Cheesy Middle Eastern, which she somehow fucking pulls off by making a feta pudding. Robin makes a curry, and calls it Umami Middle Eastern, which is hilarious when Padma Lakshmi, our Indian hostess, points out curry is not Middle Eastern. BURN. Kevin wins and gets a choice to get immunity or lots of money. Of course he picks the money, BECAUSE HE MADE BACON JAM ONCE MOTHERFUCKERS. He doesn't come out and say "shit, Robin and Laurine are still here, I got time", but hey, we know he knew it.
Oh, and apparently, umami means mushrooms, not MSG like I thought. My bad.
Did you know there is something called the Macy's Culinary Council? You know those Macy's commercials where all those stupid celebrities are pimping their shit, and Martha Stewart controls the table settings like that scene in Sleeping Beauty with the dishes, or the mice making the dress in Cinderella? I imagine that Martha is the head of this Culinary Cabal, and that they really do meet at midnight in the kitchen wares sections, deciding the fate of every organic farm on the West Coast.
Anyway, these douchebags (you heard me Nancy Silverton, imagine letting Tyler Florence speak for you! The shame.) all give bags of ingredients to our paired up partners, and they have to cook family style dinners, just like in that commercial!
Jennifer and Kevin get paired, and when they touch, rainbows spring from their fingers. They also get the bag with Kobe beef, and the whole house explodes in a miasma of joy and balance, universal culinary harmony heralding the golden dawn of the playful chef! Tom Colicchio morphs into a silver sparkly unicorn, and bounds away, free of his chains, into the Las Vegas sunset.
Mike I. gets paired with Robin, and and proves the golden rule of meatheads. They are always more stupid and crass and obnoxious then you really can guess. You think you can hang with one for a few days, get drunk, be a little slutty, they're not so bad. WRONG. They totally are. At one point, Mike is running for the kitchen and falls flat on his face. I suspect that will someday sum up his entire life.
While the "dinner guests" sit at their table, all casual and shit, Tyler casually delivers an impromptu memorized press release for Macy's, and Toby Young give him a look that would, if he had any, cut off his balls.
So let's see, Jennifer and Kevin automatically win right? Right.
Mike I., despite his supreme ballsack impression, manages to pull off some decent Asian thing.
Bryan V. makes his halibut polenta thing pretty well.
Mike V. has his power go out while cooking his halibut, and the fish gets overcooked. He might have been screwed, if Ash hadn't admitted he was just his sous chef the whole time, and talked about what a fucking genius he was, giving Mike V. the judge's pity vote. Tyler says something stupid about how chefs have to cook in lots of inconvenient places, so that's no excuse blah blah. Listen, unless you've been giving cooking lessons in the Sudan? Shut the Fuck Up.
Oh, but Ashley and Ely. Ely, as far as I can tell, does nothing in this entire episode except oversalt the damn gnocchi. But does Ashley give him up? Does she scream at the judges "this oversized 12 yr old ruined my dish, which I created entirely because he's incapable of doing anything except jerking off to ironic reruns of Baywatch?" No. No she doesn't. And because in the end Ashley showed herself to be a true professional, she was sent home. Good bye Ashley. I totally underestimated you in the beginning, and for that, and some other things, I apologize.
My favorite commercial of the moment:
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday TV Roundup: "Much like the internet has made tv a dinosaur, so my DVR renders time irrelevant."
Let me tell you how having a DVR has changed my life.
1. TNT shows two episodes of Angel every morning at 6 and 7am. I get to have two episodes waiting for me every day! Hopefully someday soon I will get sick of this show!
2. I can do other things on Wednesdays! I haven’t yet, but I can!
3. I’m recording the whole National Parks Ken Burns thing, so I can watch it all one weekend. I can watch ditzy shows and meaningful shows without having to choose between the two!
4. I’m pretty sure the box is sending messages to my brain allowing me to eventually be able to watch TV broadcasts in my head! It’s a slow process, but it’s worth it!
I watch so much TV, it’s nice to have the option to make it good TV, instead of just whatever is on. No more stupid cake shows or reruns of Criminal Minds. I suspect it will cut down my TV habit eventually, but this week is cold and rainy, and I’m broke, so cable is my significant other.
However, you know what DVR doesn’t do for me? Generate new Top Chef episodes. WTF Bravo?
So no Top Chef, it’s sad. And ANTM was disappointing because Ashley stayed, and she is an evil drama theatre reject with serious social ineptitude and an entitlement complex. See, I don’t like reality shows because of the contestant drama and general cad-like behaviors. I only like looking at pretty pictures and pretty foods, hearing the soothing controlled craziness of Tyra or the pointed subtle criticism of a cheese choice by Tom. The more stupid cat-fighting moronic shit you throw at me, the less likely I am to watch or care. Ashley spent the first 20 minutes of that episode complaining about how much in pain she was from being pushed aside by Mena Suvari in the Walmart race (by the way, I just read some thing where a weird section of America voted Walmart our national symbol. Nice. Way to stay classy.) She reminded me of a wolf playing injured to suck the sheep into her vacuum darkness. The worst part is that Tyra will keep her because Tyra found her, and she’s her special pet, much like Football Head last season. So this stupid childish pretend adult might actually win. Also, Ashley was found in the audience of Tyra's daytime talk show. WHICH SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT HER.
Tyra put on her Dharma suit, and played at saving the world through photography. Nicole had the best picture I think, but Britany won, and Britany’s was pretty good too, so whatever. Bianca was sent home to learn how to be a confident, self-assured woman who’s not scared of her own shadow or boyfriends or other meaner girls. Which is probably best for her, though a modeling contract might not have hurt that? That silly Asian girl with the dead eyelid found her true calling; turns out people like to hear her scream. And then Glee came on, and Kristin Chenoweth wiped clean my memories of sordid dark eyed Ashley.
Not the most riveting Wednesday night, but that’s why I have Community and Always Sunny episodes saved.
Lastly: I hate Seinfeld. I always have. But I love Always Sunny, which is basically Seinfeld. Why do I like one lots and hate the other? Probably because I hang out with the wrong sort of people. Oh, and also because it’s way funnier. Burn.
1. TNT shows two episodes of Angel every morning at 6 and 7am. I get to have two episodes waiting for me every day! Hopefully someday soon I will get sick of this show!
2. I can do other things on Wednesdays! I haven’t yet, but I can!
3. I’m recording the whole National Parks Ken Burns thing, so I can watch it all one weekend. I can watch ditzy shows and meaningful shows without having to choose between the two!
4. I’m pretty sure the box is sending messages to my brain allowing me to eventually be able to watch TV broadcasts in my head! It’s a slow process, but it’s worth it!
I watch so much TV, it’s nice to have the option to make it good TV, instead of just whatever is on. No more stupid cake shows or reruns of Criminal Minds. I suspect it will cut down my TV habit eventually, but this week is cold and rainy, and I’m broke, so cable is my significant other.
However, you know what DVR doesn’t do for me? Generate new Top Chef episodes. WTF Bravo?
So no Top Chef, it’s sad. And ANTM was disappointing because Ashley stayed, and she is an evil drama theatre reject with serious social ineptitude and an entitlement complex. See, I don’t like reality shows because of the contestant drama and general cad-like behaviors. I only like looking at pretty pictures and pretty foods, hearing the soothing controlled craziness of Tyra or the pointed subtle criticism of a cheese choice by Tom. The more stupid cat-fighting moronic shit you throw at me, the less likely I am to watch or care. Ashley spent the first 20 minutes of that episode complaining about how much in pain she was from being pushed aside by Mena Suvari in the Walmart race (by the way, I just read some thing where a weird section of America voted Walmart our national symbol. Nice. Way to stay classy.) She reminded me of a wolf playing injured to suck the sheep into her vacuum darkness. The worst part is that Tyra will keep her because Tyra found her, and she’s her special pet, much like Football Head last season. So this stupid childish pretend adult might actually win. Also, Ashley was found in the audience of Tyra's daytime talk show. WHICH SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT HER.
Tyra put on her Dharma suit, and played at saving the world through photography. Nicole had the best picture I think, but Britany won, and Britany’s was pretty good too, so whatever. Bianca was sent home to learn how to be a confident, self-assured woman who’s not scared of her own shadow or boyfriends or other meaner girls. Which is probably best for her, though a modeling contract might not have hurt that? That silly Asian girl with the dead eyelid found her true calling; turns out people like to hear her scream. And then Glee came on, and Kristin Chenoweth wiped clean my memories of sordid dark eyed Ashley.
Not the most riveting Wednesday night, but that’s why I have Community and Always Sunny episodes saved.
Lastly: I hate Seinfeld. I always have. But I love Always Sunny, which is basically Seinfeld. Why do I like one lots and hate the other? Probably because I hang out with the wrong sort of people. Oh, and also because it’s way funnier. Burn.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday TV Roundup: "Do you think someone is going home?"
Remember how in the Middle Ages, puppeteers used to go around giving shows, putting their portable theaters wherever was convenient, and performing obscene slapstick plays for their superstitious, bored, generally terrified audiences?
Reality TV is the modern Punch and Judy. The characters are the same. The story is the same. The only things that change are the set and the performers.
Last night, Tyra endorsed child slavery, by bringing out her own personal baby servant from it's broom closet under the stairs, where's she's been teaching it to do tricks and swaggers. She uses it to teach the girls "runway walking", which is actually just stomping as hard as you can without looking like you're stomping. No, seriously, the guest this episode was Diva Divanna, a 4 yr old wunderkind who poses like a coke-addled Brazilian 17 yr old. She's probably only 3, and is going to sue me for libel.
So the girls all tried to pretend they had no shoulders, and the closeups on their tiny skinny disconnected legs were very disconcerting. Britany, who never stops reminding you that she knows math, wins, immediately engaging the laser eyes from the evil cabal of Ashley, Lulu, and Sundai.
First of all, Ashley? YOU ARE 22! You are too old to be building a mean little gossip empire. And you are not pretty enough to get away with it. Ashley decides to actively manipulate the girls into a nasty horde around her. LuLu plays Igor, getting really into the stabbing, but not being subtle enough to avoid cutting her own fingers. And Sundai, I've decided, is the archetypal prankster. She's just out to cause trouble for the fun of it.
These three fake furies set their sights on Bianca and Britany, the first because Bianca's attitude impedes their own, and the second because Britany is better than all of them and smarter. When Nicole, in her own compassionate simple way, decides to try and be nice to Bianca, the Furies actually build a conspiracy theory for themselves, and then attack Nicole for being hopelessly naive. Their attempt to shame Nicole into joining the ranks fails, and man I hope Nicole wins now, just for having the balls to stand up to those paranoid, gloating harpies.
There's a funny part, where the chickens have to march next to Nordic Olgas in Drapes. Then they have to pretend to be tall for the photo shoot. With all the emphasis on not looking short, I'm surprised someone hasn't build a homemade rack yet. Denise Richards wins. LuLu fails to understand what tall means and gets sent home. And Ashley ACTUALLY CRIES. Oh god, I hope the other girls slit her throat in her sleep. 22!
On Cooking with Julia, Julia Childs makes duck noises and then has an Eggstravaganza with Emeril. Of course, she's dead, so it's a rerun.
Tom Delay came out of the closet. Gays and ballroom dancers everywhere begged him to go back in.
Then Top Chef. Starts off with the invasion of the Red Army, everyone wears red flags to symbolize their solidarity with the fallen Church Mouse. Robin, who everyone knows should have gone home, has to actually ask for one, which she does, but then wears it hidden in her sleeve! The insult! Ely challenges her to a duel for his comrades honor, but she makes a salad and a fruit crisp and wins the Quickfire! Hey, I could be on this show! Ash makes custards, and goes down in history as the most clueless nice guy in Top Chef history. Repeat: custards during a quickfire.
Ely does get really class-less, and tells the nation that Robin won because having a cancer story always means you win. No Ely, it means being a good bullshitter always means you win.
Penn and Teller take a break from fighting villains and mortgage brokers to come and be guest judges. Padma is REALLY excited about this. She's more animated than she's been the whole last season. The challenge is to deconstruct a classic dish, which is a great challenge because it weeds out everyone who knows vocabulary. Stupid Mike I. gets assigned Eggs Florentine, and because he is an ignorant douche who doesn't know what that is, comes up with a catch phrase to be cute about the fact that he's an idiot "eggs Foreigntome!" Ha ha! That's so FUCKING FUNNY you lousy talentless hack. He then proceeds to ride that train for the next hour.
Some people bitch about "deconstruction", some people don't. Mostly, I don't understand the big deal. You take the ingredients. You make something else with them. But Laurine and Robin and Ron are all flabbergasted. Jennifer does a funny thing in the kitchen where she actively avoids being on television in order to get her work done. Bryan makes pastrami flavored tuna. Ashley tells us she never had pot roast cause she was poor, which I'm not buying, cause pot roast is what I eat when I'm poor. I roll like that.
Ely makes bulls testicles, and Penn (Teller?) sexually harasses Padma about it.
Kevin, Mike V, Jennifer, and Ashley all end up in the top proving a few things; 1) Ashley has hit her stride, 2) Kevin may be the winner, 3)Jennifer's worst is still better than everyone else. Oh and 4) Parmesan Jelly! means I and the rest of the world will always be suckers for anything strange made gelatinous. Bacon Jam!
Laurine proves that she may be there forever simply by always beating the judges to their punchline. "Yes, I know, it was overcooked." "Let me guess, the fish?" " I know, I'm just a bad cook and should go back to catering for rich elderly folks." But it won't last forever, because you talked shit Laurine. It's like being the first one in a horror movie to have sex, you are totally screwed and are absolutely going down in a gruesome manner. Ely, you're right there with her. Professionals keep their mouths shut. Try being more like Jennifer. I know she talks shit too, but she doesn't do it where the cameras can hear her.
Oh, and we're back to giving out Calphalon and immunity for prizes. Guess they blew through that budget pretty quick.
Reality TV is the modern Punch and Judy. The characters are the same. The story is the same. The only things that change are the set and the performers.
Last night, Tyra endorsed child slavery, by bringing out her own personal baby servant from it's broom closet under the stairs, where's she's been teaching it to do tricks and swaggers. She uses it to teach the girls "runway walking", which is actually just stomping as hard as you can without looking like you're stomping. No, seriously, the guest this episode was Diva Divanna, a 4 yr old wunderkind who poses like a coke-addled Brazilian 17 yr old. She's probably only 3, and is going to sue me for libel.
So the girls all tried to pretend they had no shoulders, and the closeups on their tiny skinny disconnected legs were very disconcerting. Britany, who never stops reminding you that she knows math, wins, immediately engaging the laser eyes from the evil cabal of Ashley, Lulu, and Sundai.
First of all, Ashley? YOU ARE 22! You are too old to be building a mean little gossip empire. And you are not pretty enough to get away with it. Ashley decides to actively manipulate the girls into a nasty horde around her. LuLu plays Igor, getting really into the stabbing, but not being subtle enough to avoid cutting her own fingers. And Sundai, I've decided, is the archetypal prankster. She's just out to cause trouble for the fun of it.
These three fake furies set their sights on Bianca and Britany, the first because Bianca's attitude impedes their own, and the second because Britany is better than all of them and smarter. When Nicole, in her own compassionate simple way, decides to try and be nice to Bianca, the Furies actually build a conspiracy theory for themselves, and then attack Nicole for being hopelessly naive. Their attempt to shame Nicole into joining the ranks fails, and man I hope Nicole wins now, just for having the balls to stand up to those paranoid, gloating harpies.
There's a funny part, where the chickens have to march next to Nordic Olgas in Drapes. Then they have to pretend to be tall for the photo shoot. With all the emphasis on not looking short, I'm surprised someone hasn't build a homemade rack yet. Denise Richards wins. LuLu fails to understand what tall means and gets sent home. And Ashley ACTUALLY CRIES. Oh god, I hope the other girls slit her throat in her sleep. 22!
On Cooking with Julia, Julia Childs makes duck noises and then has an Eggstravaganza with Emeril. Of course, she's dead, so it's a rerun.
Tom Delay came out of the closet. Gays and ballroom dancers everywhere begged him to go back in.
Then Top Chef. Starts off with the invasion of the Red Army, everyone wears red flags to symbolize their solidarity with the fallen Church Mouse. Robin, who everyone knows should have gone home, has to actually ask for one, which she does, but then wears it hidden in her sleeve! The insult! Ely challenges her to a duel for his comrades honor, but she makes a salad and a fruit crisp and wins the Quickfire! Hey, I could be on this show! Ash makes custards, and goes down in history as the most clueless nice guy in Top Chef history. Repeat: custards during a quickfire.
Ely does get really class-less, and tells the nation that Robin won because having a cancer story always means you win. No Ely, it means being a good bullshitter always means you win.
Penn and Teller take a break from fighting villains and mortgage brokers to come and be guest judges. Padma is REALLY excited about this. She's more animated than she's been the whole last season. The challenge is to deconstruct a classic dish, which is a great challenge because it weeds out everyone who knows vocabulary. Stupid Mike I. gets assigned Eggs Florentine, and because he is an ignorant douche who doesn't know what that is, comes up with a catch phrase to be cute about the fact that he's an idiot "eggs Foreigntome!" Ha ha! That's so FUCKING FUNNY you lousy talentless hack. He then proceeds to ride that train for the next hour.
Some people bitch about "deconstruction", some people don't. Mostly, I don't understand the big deal. You take the ingredients. You make something else with them. But Laurine and Robin and Ron are all flabbergasted. Jennifer does a funny thing in the kitchen where she actively avoids being on television in order to get her work done. Bryan makes pastrami flavored tuna. Ashley tells us she never had pot roast cause she was poor, which I'm not buying, cause pot roast is what I eat when I'm poor. I roll like that.
Ely makes bulls testicles, and Penn (Teller?) sexually harasses Padma about it.
Kevin, Mike V, Jennifer, and Ashley all end up in the top proving a few things; 1) Ashley has hit her stride, 2) Kevin may be the winner, 3)Jennifer's worst is still better than everyone else. Oh and 4) Parmesan Jelly! means I and the rest of the world will always be suckers for anything strange made gelatinous. Bacon Jam!
Laurine proves that she may be there forever simply by always beating the judges to their punchline. "Yes, I know, it was overcooked." "Let me guess, the fish?" " I know, I'm just a bad cook and should go back to catering for rich elderly folks." But it won't last forever, because you talked shit Laurine. It's like being the first one in a horror movie to have sex, you are totally screwed and are absolutely going down in a gruesome manner. Ely, you're right there with her. Professionals keep their mouths shut. Try being more like Jennifer. I know she talks shit too, but she doesn't do it where the cameras can hear her.
Oh, and we're back to giving out Calphalon and immunity for prizes. Guess they blew through that budget pretty quick.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday TV Sometimes Makes Me Cry: Top Chef, Top Model, TBL
Alright, so I missed the first few minutes of America's Next Top Model, and apparently those were the MOST IMPORTANT MINUTES OF THE SEASON. 'Cause Bambi got sent home? For being personality deficient? I have to believe there is some other reason they won't tell us, like she's a Cuban terrorist or used to be a figure skater, because I don't see Wilhemina kicking off a girl in the second episode just because she can't interview well. That's something usually reserved for the last couple episodes. But maybe Wilhemina is bringing the smackdown. Maybe they're out to show that they're not some wussie Ford company, and they are running the show, not Tyra and Lauren.
Speaking of, how did I miss that Lauren Conrad is now a judge? And not such a bad one as all that, though I question her credentials, but who doesn't? Her entire schtick is "look at me being paid to do something I'm entirely unqualified to do." It's kind of sweet.
So then there's weird awkward scene where Tyra coins her new term "Smies" and comes out dressed in the most boring superhero costume ever. I mean, Tyra gets a chance to dress up and that's all we get? She then makes the girls dress up like Pink Trons, play DDR, and some creepy supercomputer judges the curvature of their eyes. That computer is dangerous. We should kill it.
Oh, and the DDR arcade is called the Fortress of Fierceness.
The girls are all sold off to be jockeys, cause short girls can't get modelling jobs. And they are forced by their new Brazilian midget overlords to take off their shirts and pose in wigs. I don't understand why, if Tyra wants the focus on their eyes, she would pose them naked with horses. The best part was when Norm the Jockey told one of the girls, clutched behind him topless and terrified, to "relax girl".
Mena Suvari won. Bianca almost got sent home for being a whiner, but instead they kicked off the cripple, because she quit, and nobody is more reviled than a cripple who quits.
Then that new vampire show, the one about the models, premiered. I don't know why they made this show, except maybe to prove Mischa isn't anorexic, since she's the fattest person in that cast. And none of the vampires bite people, or do soul searching, or fight demons, or anything. They just go out a lot at night and don't eat anything.
Oh Top Chef. The world constantly reminds me how perfect you are. For the quickfire, the viewers got to vote for a secret ingredient, and it was between cactus, snake, and kangaroo. I have no idea why mealworm wasn't on that list, but cactus won. Lonesome Dove Tim Love tortured the chefs with condescending cactus knowledge and bad western shirts. Kevin made a cactus marmalade! Ashley made a cactus jelly donut! Maybe Ashley doesn't completely suck!Mike I. (the douchebaggy one) won the 15, 000, and promptly spent it on Ed Hardy and sad older hookers.
For the Elimination, they dumped the chefs in the middle of the badlands and ordered them to cook food with only the bare essentials. Which were 12 grill pits, a mountain of cast iron, piles of plates, a full bar, a smoker. One of my friends watching it with me remarked "that's so much better than my kitchen already."But first they had to sleep in special tents all night and talk about how much they loved or hated camping, something so important to whether or not you deserve to win this show. Mike I. talked about how scared he was of cougars (we all know THATS not true), and the Haitian did some of that old black magic to keep out snakes, then sat by his tent all night calling down the spirits to defeat these colonial bastards.
Ever notice how sometimes Mattin sounds like Borat when he talks? Or that priest from the Princess Bride? I'mfwomtheBasquecounwy, soIknoweweything.
Poor little Church Mouse decided to make ceviche outside in the desert. In fact, an absurd number of people decided to make fish? And no one made steak. On a ranch. For ranchers. Where was Casey when we needed her? Mattin's ceviche was so bad, Tom threw it out. Robin's prawns were made of solid cakes of urinal chlorine. Everyone else was kind of boring, and then Bryan won because he made something kind of resembling steak. Mattin got sent home, and no one was surprised. We're just waiting for the rest of the cannon fodder to book it, so we can get down to a real competition here.
Speaking of, how did I miss that Lauren Conrad is now a judge? And not such a bad one as all that, though I question her credentials, but who doesn't? Her entire schtick is "look at me being paid to do something I'm entirely unqualified to do." It's kind of sweet.
So then there's weird awkward scene where Tyra coins her new term "Smies" and comes out dressed in the most boring superhero costume ever. I mean, Tyra gets a chance to dress up and that's all we get? She then makes the girls dress up like Pink Trons, play DDR, and some creepy supercomputer judges the curvature of their eyes. That computer is dangerous. We should kill it.
Oh, and the DDR arcade is called the Fortress of Fierceness.
The girls are all sold off to be jockeys, cause short girls can't get modelling jobs. And they are forced by their new Brazilian midget overlords to take off their shirts and pose in wigs. I don't understand why, if Tyra wants the focus on their eyes, she would pose them naked with horses. The best part was when Norm the Jockey told one of the girls, clutched behind him topless and terrified, to "relax girl".
Mena Suvari won. Bianca almost got sent home for being a whiner, but instead they kicked off the cripple, because she quit, and nobody is more reviled than a cripple who quits.
Then that new vampire show, the one about the models, premiered. I don't know why they made this show, except maybe to prove Mischa isn't anorexic, since she's the fattest person in that cast. And none of the vampires bite people, or do soul searching, or fight demons, or anything. They just go out a lot at night and don't eat anything.
Oh Top Chef. The world constantly reminds me how perfect you are. For the quickfire, the viewers got to vote for a secret ingredient, and it was between cactus, snake, and kangaroo. I have no idea why mealworm wasn't on that list, but cactus won. Lonesome Dove Tim Love tortured the chefs with condescending cactus knowledge and bad western shirts. Kevin made a cactus marmalade! Ashley made a cactus jelly donut! Maybe Ashley doesn't completely suck!Mike I. (the douchebaggy one) won the 15, 000, and promptly spent it on Ed Hardy and sad older hookers.
For the Elimination, they dumped the chefs in the middle of the badlands and ordered them to cook food with only the bare essentials. Which were 12 grill pits, a mountain of cast iron, piles of plates, a full bar, a smoker. One of my friends watching it with me remarked "that's so much better than my kitchen already."But first they had to sleep in special tents all night and talk about how much they loved or hated camping, something so important to whether or not you deserve to win this show. Mike I. talked about how scared he was of cougars (we all know THATS not true), and the Haitian did some of that old black magic to keep out snakes, then sat by his tent all night calling down the spirits to defeat these colonial bastards.
Ever notice how sometimes Mattin sounds like Borat when he talks? Or that priest from the Princess Bride? I'mfwomtheBasquecounwy, soIknoweweything.
Poor little Church Mouse decided to make ceviche outside in the desert. In fact, an absurd number of people decided to make fish? And no one made steak. On a ranch. For ranchers. Where was Casey when we needed her? Mattin's ceviche was so bad, Tom threw it out. Robin's prawns were made of solid cakes of urinal chlorine. Everyone else was kind of boring, and then Bryan won because he made something kind of resembling steak. Mattin got sent home, and no one was surprised. We're just waiting for the rest of the cannon fodder to book it, so we can get down to a real competition here.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday Night is TV Night: Top Chef, Obama, and Why are Short Girls Awful?
Wasn't there time when I used to do something else on Wednesday nights? Didn't it used to be dancing night? Or cooking night? Or...coffee shop night? I don't know. But whatever I used to do, forget it. TV night is cheaper. And I'm less likely to contract herpes.
There was a lot going on tonight. Obama's speech on Healthcare, and America's Next Top Model premiere on at the same time. The premiere of my new favorite nerdness, Glee. And of course, Top Chef.
First, I had a difficult decision. Watch awkward messed up girls get glammed up, or watch awkward messed up men applaud on cue? Tyra won initially, cause shit, it's ANTM. It's an event. I mean, I read the blogs and the papers and the Move On letters, I know what the Healthcare reform bill basically is going to end up being, and I know what I would like it to be. But I don't know which bug eyed beauty will steal Tyra's heart by the end of the show.
This season though, Tyra left out water and her house turned into a gaggle of Gremlins. I have nothing against short girls. I am a short girl. But ANTM seems desperate to prove that short girls are crazier, more obnoxious, less mature, and straight up plain sadder than tall girls who actually have chances at being models. There was the token insane Christian girl. The melodramatic foster child who has a hole in her life nothing but Top Model can fill. The Louisiana trailer girl with the terrible accent and lead in her heels. The "I'm smarter and these girls just don't understand me" girl. And my personal favorite: Bambi, who will end up playing an elf on some SyFy movie at some point. There was lots of Tyra defense rants, about how shorter girls can rule, ect. That lasted till about the time they were judging the photos, and the judges openly pondered why everyone was so hoochie, to which Tyra pointed out that short girls don't think they can be models so they practice being sluts and video models. Oh, and she tried speaking in a French accent a lot. Which, as you will see later, was a theme.
So this is about where I decided that maybe this hadn't been the right decision, so I switched to the floor of the Senate, where Pelosi openly stared her comrades down from behind our Fearless Leader, until she had them standing to give ovations every ten seconds. It was very confusing and lackluster when Obama was just outlining specific items. Even he looked visibly confounded by some of it. "What, what did I say? Taxes? What?" But then he got all Super Speech Man, and brought out the deathbed letter wishes from Teddy, and cut open his heart with a steak knife, letting it flow into every dry and wrinkled crevice of the Medicare Council. There were a couple good jabs at the previous administration, and the anticipated Tossing of the Bone ceremony in which several Republicans actually moved, or stirred a little. I mean, I know he's good. I voted for him.
Glee was wonderful, especially the shot of Squirrel Woman crying in her car and singing loudly to the radio.
But let's talk Top Chef. We all know that's what I stayed home for.
So this was the dreaded Quickfire we all saw trailers for, where the loser gets eliminated! Because apparently, the judges got real tired real fast. They all had to make snail dishes. Kevin won because he made BACON JAM. Jesse got sent home. Yawn.
But then they pulled out the big guns. And by big guns, I mean the producers dug up the mummy of a squishy faced little man who invented French cooking, and is magical. Or as Ely put it, he wanted to meet Robuchon because he thought "he didn't actually exist and might be a unicorn." All the chefs were assigned classic French dishes to cook for the Magic Unicorn Council of France and All Things French. Except for Kevin, who got to join the Council, provided he could capture a kitten with silver eyes who makes the rain come when it sniffles. Or because he made BACON JAM.
You know, French cooking is sort of disgusting. It's all snails and frogs and old chickens and rancid milk sauces. It's like every really gross idea in the world, like cheese grown in caves and rotten fruit disintegrated in bottle for years, came from France.
But they're really good with bread. Probably cause yeast is super gross too.
So the magically glowing Puppet Master Robuchon sits at the table and conveys his evil judgments only in the sacred archaic language of the culinary arts. Everyone else blushes a lot and shuts the hell up when he talks. Except for Padma who seemed visibly fed up, and was practically suckling from the wine bottle to avoid rolling her eyes.
The frog legs by that Haitian guy and Robin were a disappointment. But it made me thankful to be an American, who doesn't have actual issues in her past, like days spent drinking urine in a boat and hating the French bastards who oppressed your country for centuries, only to have to swallow your bitterness and make their damn sauces for the Overlord of Darkness/Souffle.
Bryan and Mike I. made trout with deconstructed bernaise sauce, or rather Bryan got a sous chef for the day named Mike and told him how to do stuff.
The lobster by Ely and Laurine was a failure, but not quite bad enough.
Mattin the little Church Mouse decided to be a prick and speak at the table in French. Which was funny, cause after he left, the Grand Poobah noted that he spoke french well, obviously assuming he was from America because of the ton of bacon in his sauce.
Ash and Hector fucked up. I'll tell you right now. Hector went home. It is what it is. I think Mattin should have bit it, but it'll happen eventually.
Mike V. and Jennifer created a calming symphony of flavors in their artificial love bubble of a kitchen corner, summoned up by the amazing power of putting two people together who are really good at what they do. Jennifer actually looked like she was having fun today. So good for her. I adore her.
At judges table, despite Mike I.'s repulsive attempts to take credit for their entire dish, soft spoken Bryan won. And his prize? A job in the Kindly Wizard's kitchen for a week. Something which seemed to mean a lot to him, despite the fact he already has his OWN RESTAURANT.
I'd liked to sum up this completely unnecessary summary of tv shows you probably already watched by pointing out how much I hate the commercial below. Every time I see it, I feel creepy crawly, like there are fucking bacteria crawling all over every surface of the room.
Tiny little humans waving like broccoli is NOT COOL.
There was a lot going on tonight. Obama's speech on Healthcare, and America's Next Top Model premiere on at the same time. The premiere of my new favorite nerdness, Glee. And of course, Top Chef.
First, I had a difficult decision. Watch awkward messed up girls get glammed up, or watch awkward messed up men applaud on cue? Tyra won initially, cause shit, it's ANTM. It's an event. I mean, I read the blogs and the papers and the Move On letters, I know what the Healthcare reform bill basically is going to end up being, and I know what I would like it to be. But I don't know which bug eyed beauty will steal Tyra's heart by the end of the show.
This season though, Tyra left out water and her house turned into a gaggle of Gremlins. I have nothing against short girls. I am a short girl. But ANTM seems desperate to prove that short girls are crazier, more obnoxious, less mature, and straight up plain sadder than tall girls who actually have chances at being models. There was the token insane Christian girl. The melodramatic foster child who has a hole in her life nothing but Top Model can fill. The Louisiana trailer girl with the terrible accent and lead in her heels. The "I'm smarter and these girls just don't understand me" girl. And my personal favorite: Bambi, who will end up playing an elf on some SyFy movie at some point. There was lots of Tyra defense rants, about how shorter girls can rule, ect. That lasted till about the time they were judging the photos, and the judges openly pondered why everyone was so hoochie, to which Tyra pointed out that short girls don't think they can be models so they practice being sluts and video models. Oh, and she tried speaking in a French accent a lot. Which, as you will see later, was a theme.
So this is about where I decided that maybe this hadn't been the right decision, so I switched to the floor of the Senate, where Pelosi openly stared her comrades down from behind our Fearless Leader, until she had them standing to give ovations every ten seconds. It was very confusing and lackluster when Obama was just outlining specific items. Even he looked visibly confounded by some of it. "What, what did I say? Taxes? What?" But then he got all Super Speech Man, and brought out the deathbed letter wishes from Teddy, and cut open his heart with a steak knife, letting it flow into every dry and wrinkled crevice of the Medicare Council. There were a couple good jabs at the previous administration, and the anticipated Tossing of the Bone ceremony in which several Republicans actually moved, or stirred a little. I mean, I know he's good. I voted for him.
Glee was wonderful, especially the shot of Squirrel Woman crying in her car and singing loudly to the radio.
But let's talk Top Chef. We all know that's what I stayed home for.
So this was the dreaded Quickfire we all saw trailers for, where the loser gets eliminated! Because apparently, the judges got real tired real fast. They all had to make snail dishes. Kevin won because he made BACON JAM. Jesse got sent home. Yawn.
But then they pulled out the big guns. And by big guns, I mean the producers dug up the mummy of a squishy faced little man who invented French cooking, and is magical. Or as Ely put it, he wanted to meet Robuchon because he thought "he didn't actually exist and might be a unicorn." All the chefs were assigned classic French dishes to cook for the Magic Unicorn Council of France and All Things French. Except for Kevin, who got to join the Council, provided he could capture a kitten with silver eyes who makes the rain come when it sniffles. Or because he made BACON JAM.
You know, French cooking is sort of disgusting. It's all snails and frogs and old chickens and rancid milk sauces. It's like every really gross idea in the world, like cheese grown in caves and rotten fruit disintegrated in bottle for years, came from France.
But they're really good with bread. Probably cause yeast is super gross too.
So the magically glowing Puppet Master Robuchon sits at the table and conveys his evil judgments only in the sacred archaic language of the culinary arts. Everyone else blushes a lot and shuts the hell up when he talks. Except for Padma who seemed visibly fed up, and was practically suckling from the wine bottle to avoid rolling her eyes.
The frog legs by that Haitian guy and Robin were a disappointment. But it made me thankful to be an American, who doesn't have actual issues in her past, like days spent drinking urine in a boat and hating the French bastards who oppressed your country for centuries, only to have to swallow your bitterness and make their damn sauces for the Overlord of Darkness/Souffle.
Bryan and Mike I. made trout with deconstructed bernaise sauce, or rather Bryan got a sous chef for the day named Mike and told him how to do stuff.
The lobster by Ely and Laurine was a failure, but not quite bad enough.
Mattin the little Church Mouse decided to be a prick and speak at the table in French. Which was funny, cause after he left, the Grand Poobah noted that he spoke french well, obviously assuming he was from America because of the ton of bacon in his sauce.
Ash and Hector fucked up. I'll tell you right now. Hector went home. It is what it is. I think Mattin should have bit it, but it'll happen eventually.
Mike V. and Jennifer created a calming symphony of flavors in their artificial love bubble of a kitchen corner, summoned up by the amazing power of putting two people together who are really good at what they do. Jennifer actually looked like she was having fun today. So good for her. I adore her.
At judges table, despite Mike I.'s repulsive attempts to take credit for their entire dish, soft spoken Bryan won. And his prize? A job in the Kindly Wizard's kitchen for a week. Something which seemed to mean a lot to him, despite the fact he already has his OWN RESTAURANT.
I'd liked to sum up this completely unnecessary summary of tv shows you probably already watched by pointing out how much I hate the commercial below. Every time I see it, I feel creepy crawly, like there are fucking bacteria crawling all over every surface of the room.
Tiny little humans waving like broccoli is NOT COOL.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Top Chef Recap: Jennifer, My Jennifer
Alright, before I start babbling inanities about a tv show whose contestants have more talent in their paring knives then I have in my entire arsenal, let me babble a couple extra ones:
1. I did not want to start chronicling a goddamn tv show again. I remember how painful that Top Model cycle was. I recognize I am merely setting myself up for disappointment in the show and in myself. I can't stop myself. I like writing mean things about these people. I really really do.
2. I watched Glee before Top Chef came on, and it was awesome in a way that really draws in the old community theater side of me. I think because I despise that lead choir girl SO MUCH, it's actually cathartic. Then, a show choir doing a snazzy rendition of Winehouse's "Rehab". Then, a teacher blackmailing a student with weed. THEN Journey sang over and over and over. And the nervous guidance counselor looks like a cartoon squirrel! I'm going to have to get DVR finally, because then Lost is going to premier, and it will be the same time slot, and there was this dinner club thing I wanted to get into, and dancing? Oh Wednesdays. I don't know if I was actually born on a Wednesday, but I always liked you best in that rhyme "Wednesdays child is full of woe". Totally.
3. I made pot roast last night in the truest most orphan sense of the word. Like, I bought the cheapest meat I could, I filled a crockpot with split peas, meat, salt, pepper, and water. And I cooked it overnight. In the morning, the meat was great. The rest of the pot though contained what can only really be labelled porridge. Or mush? It was exactly what you would feed to destitute pickpockets if you owned a juvenile prison work camp in 19th century London.
I haven't thrown it out yet.
Okay, on to the topic at hand. How much does Jennifer rock on Top Chef? I mean, how obvious is it that they should give her the money right now? Last night was exhilarating, watching her run the kitchen and put tape on everything? They would have NEVER gotten anything done if it was not for her.
But first, Quickfire. Michael PEEL, who used to PEEL potatoes in some famous guy's kitchen, introduces the POTATO as the subject. The ultimate poor people food. I mean, I guess you can also make an argument for rice, but aren't they the same thing, really? They're filler. Sticky starchy stuff you can pile into your stomach to not notice you're only getting a tablespoon of goat or lamb or whatever. I was impressed by the variety of the potatoes they gave them. I mean, who's heard of a Russian Banana Fingerling before? It sounds like a sex act. Also, it seems sort of racist if you think about it. My great grandmother got off the boat in America, and tried to eat her first banana with the PEEL on. One can imagine an Allied soldier making some quip about Russians being so stupid they eat a potato raw like a banana. Or something. It's a valid theory.
So then everyone makes something with sweet potatoes, cause no one likes regular potatoes anyway unless they're fried. And Jennifer wins. And then leans over and sucks Ash's brains out like a fried prawn.
After that, everyone has little breakdowns. Jesse hits herself in the head with a water bottle, not understanding how to properly rehydrate herself. She almost gets it, it's near her head, but not quite. They get the next challenge, and Michael I. (who is quite possibly the biggest hanger on in the entire history of this competition) comes up with a strategy where he can pair himself with someone better. Like he has been doing his entire life. In the smartest decision of the night, they decide to hand the executive chef position to Jennifer since she has immunity. Jennifer humbly accepts, though quite frankly I thought it was kind of sucker for her since she didn't get to actually cook anything and thus stood no chance of winning. Plus then she didn't even let anyone throw themselves under the bus through their own stupidity, like she very well could have. Because she has PRIDE. Robots don't let humans fuck up.
In one of the strangest moments on Bravo ever, we discover the reason Preethi became a chef is because of 9/11? Apparently, the Twin Towers came down and she had an awakening that she need to cook eggplant for the rest of her life. I feel like she probably got a little screwed by the editing there. Maybe not.
So they cook a bunch of food for some Airforce guys and everyone cries just a little, and is overwhelmed and such. Michael V. has a fantastic idea to hand everyone fried slabs of bacon in a lettuce leaf, and he wins. I hope no one ever discovers that human belly is that good fried and smoked. No really. I hope that never happens.
Everything comes off almost seamlessly, because Jennifer puts the smackdown on the mortals.
Then comes one of the meanest eliminations I've ever seen on Top Chef. Which is not saying a lot, Tom is no Simon Cowell. But Mike I. gets all red like the shrimp he undercooked, and all blustery and blah blah blah. Preethi and Laurine cower like guilty little liars in church, knowing if they both say nothing, neither can get in trouble. But it fails. Preethi goes home, and Mike I. lives to suck Mike V.'s dick some more. Beta Male.
I've been formulating some theories about what might have gone down between Mike V. and Bryan V. 1) Mike slept with Bryan's girlfriend. 2)Bryan's wife hates Mike and Mike knows it. 3)Mike lived with mom and Bryan lived with dad. Maybe other way around. 4) Mike did some coke for a few months when he first moved to Vegas, and Bryan found out about it, and got Mike fired from his first restaurant job as a lesson to him.
1. I did not want to start chronicling a goddamn tv show again. I remember how painful that Top Model cycle was. I recognize I am merely setting myself up for disappointment in the show and in myself. I can't stop myself. I like writing mean things about these people. I really really do.
2. I watched Glee before Top Chef came on, and it was awesome in a way that really draws in the old community theater side of me. I think because I despise that lead choir girl SO MUCH, it's actually cathartic. Then, a show choir doing a snazzy rendition of Winehouse's "Rehab". Then, a teacher blackmailing a student with weed. THEN Journey sang over and over and over. And the nervous guidance counselor looks like a cartoon squirrel! I'm going to have to get DVR finally, because then Lost is going to premier, and it will be the same time slot, and there was this dinner club thing I wanted to get into, and dancing? Oh Wednesdays. I don't know if I was actually born on a Wednesday, but I always liked you best in that rhyme "Wednesdays child is full of woe". Totally.
3. I made pot roast last night in the truest most orphan sense of the word. Like, I bought the cheapest meat I could, I filled a crockpot with split peas, meat, salt, pepper, and water. And I cooked it overnight. In the morning, the meat was great. The rest of the pot though contained what can only really be labelled porridge. Or mush? It was exactly what you would feed to destitute pickpockets if you owned a juvenile prison work camp in 19th century London.
I haven't thrown it out yet.
Okay, on to the topic at hand. How much does Jennifer rock on Top Chef? I mean, how obvious is it that they should give her the money right now? Last night was exhilarating, watching her run the kitchen and put tape on everything? They would have NEVER gotten anything done if it was not for her.
But first, Quickfire. Michael PEEL, who used to PEEL potatoes in some famous guy's kitchen, introduces the POTATO as the subject. The ultimate poor people food. I mean, I guess you can also make an argument for rice, but aren't they the same thing, really? They're filler. Sticky starchy stuff you can pile into your stomach to not notice you're only getting a tablespoon of goat or lamb or whatever. I was impressed by the variety of the potatoes they gave them. I mean, who's heard of a Russian Banana Fingerling before? It sounds like a sex act. Also, it seems sort of racist if you think about it. My great grandmother got off the boat in America, and tried to eat her first banana with the PEEL on. One can imagine an Allied soldier making some quip about Russians being so stupid they eat a potato raw like a banana. Or something. It's a valid theory.
So then everyone makes something with sweet potatoes, cause no one likes regular potatoes anyway unless they're fried. And Jennifer wins. And then leans over and sucks Ash's brains out like a fried prawn.
After that, everyone has little breakdowns. Jesse hits herself in the head with a water bottle, not understanding how to properly rehydrate herself. She almost gets it, it's near her head, but not quite. They get the next challenge, and Michael I. (who is quite possibly the biggest hanger on in the entire history of this competition) comes up with a strategy where he can pair himself with someone better. Like he has been doing his entire life. In the smartest decision of the night, they decide to hand the executive chef position to Jennifer since she has immunity. Jennifer humbly accepts, though quite frankly I thought it was kind of sucker for her since she didn't get to actually cook anything and thus stood no chance of winning. Plus then she didn't even let anyone throw themselves under the bus through their own stupidity, like she very well could have. Because she has PRIDE. Robots don't let humans fuck up.
In one of the strangest moments on Bravo ever, we discover the reason Preethi became a chef is because of 9/11? Apparently, the Twin Towers came down and she had an awakening that she need to cook eggplant for the rest of her life. I feel like she probably got a little screwed by the editing there. Maybe not.
So they cook a bunch of food for some Airforce guys and everyone cries just a little, and is overwhelmed and such. Michael V. has a fantastic idea to hand everyone fried slabs of bacon in a lettuce leaf, and he wins. I hope no one ever discovers that human belly is that good fried and smoked. No really. I hope that never happens.
Everything comes off almost seamlessly, because Jennifer puts the smackdown on the mortals.
Then comes one of the meanest eliminations I've ever seen on Top Chef. Which is not saying a lot, Tom is no Simon Cowell. But Mike I. gets all red like the shrimp he undercooked, and all blustery and blah blah blah. Preethi and Laurine cower like guilty little liars in church, knowing if they both say nothing, neither can get in trouble. But it fails. Preethi goes home, and Mike I. lives to suck Mike V.'s dick some more. Beta Male.
I've been formulating some theories about what might have gone down between Mike V. and Bryan V. 1) Mike slept with Bryan's girlfriend. 2)Bryan's wife hates Mike and Mike knows it. 3)Mike lived with mom and Bryan lived with dad. Maybe other way around. 4) Mike did some coke for a few months when he first moved to Vegas, and Bryan found out about it, and got Mike fired from his first restaurant job as a lesson to him.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas: Hey Las Vegas, stop whining about how nobody acknowledges you as a dining scene. F-ing sick of that.
So I’m not gonna lie. Last week I watched the Top Chef Masters Finale, and then didn’t stick around for the premiere of Top Chef Las Vegas. There were extenuating circumstances. For instance, I was pissed at Hubert Keller not winning. And I didn’t like that blue dress Padma was wearing in the promos. Also, the first episode of every Top Chef season is the throw away episode. There are too many contestants, and some of them are real jerks, and nobody looks good by the end. After watching Bayless, Keller, and that Italian guy throw down, I wasn’t in the mood for botched scallops.
This week, thanks to the endless generosity of cable, the premiere was replayed and I watched the end. It was exactly as annoying as I thought it would be. There’s always that one really dreadful chef that just sticks out beyond the rest of the curds, and they get sent home, and then everyone prepares to buckle down. This time it was Seitan girl, forever known now as Seitan girl, which is gross. It makes me think of a really disgusting Japanese version of a sex doll.
We all knew Eve was going home this week. What was she doing there? She kept making these hapless loosie goosie faces, and cooking unappealing dated things. I’m sure she is a very nice girl. But nobody, except Jesse, was worried last night. Jesse is always worried. She needs to stop cooking chicken.
But maybe she just isn’t cut out to deal with this crowd, because it’s a very good crowd. I mean, there’s like 20, 25 James Beard nominees? And Jennifer, the dark blonde horse. My theory about Jennifer is that she’s the secret love child of Eric Ripert, and has worked her way up through his restaurants anonymously, to prove to her father she can make it on her own. She’s the seafood queen, but for realsies, not in that fake boasting way that one contestant always claims early on. Remember that guy? Who couldn’t skin an eel? Maybe Jennifer sold her soul to a talking Halibut. I'm not convinced that's not a Ripert family legacy anyway, talking halibuts, wish granting, inability to move your forehead muscles.
So Jennifer is one of my favorites. MIT Kevin, the relevant part of the Pickle Brothers, is next. I don’t understand that nickname, but it’s catchy and reminds me of Richard Scarey. I like Romulus and Remus, otherwise known as Brian and Michael, (otherwise known as “something dramatic and secret has happened to drive these two brothers apart, into distant cities, each striving against the dark shadows from their childhood through the art of food, one destined to kill the other in a distant future”). And finally, I have great hopes for Mattin, the small country mouse whose only dream is to work in the kitchens of the great Parisian chefs, and also to defeat the army of evil rats, and marry the princess.
I am a little disappointed that the cream rose to the top so fast this season (see the credit I'm giving myself?). But I appreciate the twists the producers have added, to bring out more bloodshed. The 15,000 dollar quick fires for example. Should be some good crying over medical bills and family obligations thanks to that shit. I guess they needed more incentive to bring in the better chefs? Also Gail’s new laser eyes are awesome.
Till Next Week.
This week, thanks to the endless generosity of cable, the premiere was replayed and I watched the end. It was exactly as annoying as I thought it would be. There’s always that one really dreadful chef that just sticks out beyond the rest of the curds, and they get sent home, and then everyone prepares to buckle down. This time it was Seitan girl, forever known now as Seitan girl, which is gross. It makes me think of a really disgusting Japanese version of a sex doll.
We all knew Eve was going home this week. What was she doing there? She kept making these hapless loosie goosie faces, and cooking unappealing dated things. I’m sure she is a very nice girl. But nobody, except Jesse, was worried last night. Jesse is always worried. She needs to stop cooking chicken.
But maybe she just isn’t cut out to deal with this crowd, because it’s a very good crowd. I mean, there’s like 20, 25 James Beard nominees? And Jennifer, the dark blonde horse. My theory about Jennifer is that she’s the secret love child of Eric Ripert, and has worked her way up through his restaurants anonymously, to prove to her father she can make it on her own. She’s the seafood queen, but for realsies, not in that fake boasting way that one contestant always claims early on. Remember that guy? Who couldn’t skin an eel? Maybe Jennifer sold her soul to a talking Halibut. I'm not convinced that's not a Ripert family legacy anyway, talking halibuts, wish granting, inability to move your forehead muscles.
So Jennifer is one of my favorites. MIT Kevin, the relevant part of the Pickle Brothers, is next. I don’t understand that nickname, but it’s catchy and reminds me of Richard Scarey. I like Romulus and Remus, otherwise known as Brian and Michael, (otherwise known as “something dramatic and secret has happened to drive these two brothers apart, into distant cities, each striving against the dark shadows from their childhood through the art of food, one destined to kill the other in a distant future”). And finally, I have great hopes for Mattin, the small country mouse whose only dream is to work in the kitchens of the great Parisian chefs, and also to defeat the army of evil rats, and marry the princess.
I am a little disappointed that the cream rose to the top so fast this season (see the credit I'm giving myself?). But I appreciate the twists the producers have added, to bring out more bloodshed. The 15,000 dollar quick fires for example. Should be some good crying over medical bills and family obligations thanks to that shit. I guess they needed more incentive to bring in the better chefs? Also Gail’s new laser eyes are awesome.
Till Next Week.
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