Wednesday TV Roundup: "Do you think someone is going home?"

Remember how in the Middle Ages, puppeteers used to go around giving shows, putting their portable theaters wherever was convenient, and performing obscene slapstick plays for their superstitious, bored, generally terrified audiences?

Reality TV is the modern Punch and Judy. The characters are the same. The story is the same. The only things that change are the set and the performers.

Last night, Tyra endorsed child slavery, by bringing out her own personal baby servant from it's broom closet under the stairs, where's she's been teaching it to do tricks and swaggers. She uses it to teach the girls "runway walking", which is actually just stomping as hard as you can without looking like you're stomping. No, seriously, the guest this episode was Diva Divanna, a 4 yr old wunderkind who poses like a coke-addled Brazilian 17 yr old. She's probably only 3, and is going to sue me for libel.

So the girls all tried to pretend they had no shoulders, and the closeups on their tiny skinny disconnected legs were very disconcerting. Britany, who never stops reminding you that she knows math, wins, immediately engaging the laser eyes from the evil cabal of Ashley, Lulu, and Sundai.

First of all, Ashley? YOU ARE 22! You are too old to be building a mean little gossip empire. And you are not pretty enough to get away with it. Ashley decides to actively manipulate the girls into a nasty horde around her. LuLu plays Igor, getting really into the stabbing, but not being subtle enough to avoid cutting her own fingers. And Sundai, I've decided, is the archetypal prankster. She's just out to cause trouble for the fun of it.

These three fake furies set their sights on Bianca and Britany, the first because Bianca's attitude impedes their own, and the second because Britany is better than all of them and smarter. When Nicole, in her own compassionate simple way, decides to try and be nice to Bianca, the Furies actually build a conspiracy theory for themselves, and then attack Nicole for being hopelessly naive. Their attempt to shame Nicole into joining the ranks fails, and man I hope Nicole wins now, just for having the balls to stand up to those paranoid, gloating harpies.

There's a funny part, where the chickens have to march next to Nordic Olgas in Drapes. Then they have to pretend to be tall for the photo shoot. With all the emphasis on not looking short, I'm surprised someone hasn't build a homemade rack yet. Denise Richards wins. LuLu fails to understand what tall means and gets sent home. And Ashley ACTUALLY CRIES. Oh god, I hope the other girls slit her throat in her sleep. 22!

On Cooking with Julia, Julia Childs makes duck noises and then has an Eggstravaganza with Emeril. Of course, she's dead, so it's a rerun.

Tom Delay came out of the closet. Gays and ballroom dancers everywhere begged him to go back in.

Then Top Chef. Starts off with the invasion of the Red Army, everyone wears red flags to symbolize their solidarity with the fallen Church Mouse. Robin, who everyone knows should have gone home, has to actually ask for one, which she does, but then wears it hidden in her sleeve! The insult! Ely challenges her to a duel for his comrades honor, but she makes a salad and a fruit crisp and wins the Quickfire! Hey, I could be on this show! Ash makes custards, and goes down in history as the most clueless nice guy in Top Chef history. Repeat: custards during a quickfire.

Ely does get really class-less, and tells the nation that Robin won because having a cancer story always means you win. No Ely, it means being a good bullshitter always means you win.

Penn and Teller take a break from fighting villains and mortgage brokers to come and be guest judges. Padma is REALLY excited about this. She's more animated than she's been the whole last season. The challenge is to deconstruct a classic dish, which is a great challenge because it weeds out everyone who knows vocabulary. Stupid Mike I. gets assigned Eggs Florentine, and because he is an ignorant douche who doesn't know what that is, comes up with a catch phrase to be cute about the fact that he's an idiot "eggs Foreigntome!" Ha ha! That's so FUCKING FUNNY you lousy talentless hack. He then proceeds to ride that train for the next hour.

Some people bitch about "deconstruction", some people don't. Mostly, I don't understand the big deal. You take the ingredients. You make something else with them. But Laurine and Robin and Ron are all flabbergasted. Jennifer does a funny thing in the kitchen where she actively avoids being on television in order to get her work done. Bryan makes pastrami flavored tuna. Ashley tells us she never had pot roast cause she was poor, which I'm not buying, cause pot roast is what I eat when I'm poor. I roll like that.

Ely makes bulls testicles, and Penn (Teller?) sexually harasses Padma about it.

Kevin, Mike V, Jennifer, and Ashley all end up in the top proving a few things; 1) Ashley has hit her stride, 2) Kevin may be the winner, 3)Jennifer's worst is still better than everyone else. Oh and 4) Parmesan Jelly! means I and the rest of the world will always be suckers for anything strange made gelatinous. Bacon Jam!

Laurine proves that she may be there forever simply by always beating the judges to their punchline. "Yes, I know, it was overcooked." "Let me guess, the fish?" " I know, I'm just a bad cook and should go back to catering for rich elderly folks." But it won't last forever, because you talked shit Laurine. It's like being the first one in a horror movie to have sex, you are totally screwed and are absolutely going down in a gruesome manner. Ely, you're right there with her. Professionals keep their mouths shut. Try being more like Jennifer. I know she talks shit too, but she doesn't do it where the cameras can hear her.

Oh, and we're back to giving out Calphalon and immunity for prizes. Guess they blew through that budget pretty quick.