ANTM Cycle 14: Briefly Briefly We Fly Into the Light

TEAM R.E.N.

I'm not going to dwell long on what was obviously such a momentous night in my household. We were there, we all saw it together. Suffice it to say, Tyra's long cherished dream of designing, engineering, and making over the perfect fake tv model has been realized. The moment R.E.N. stepped into the spotlight and over Perez Hilton's prostrate body, boldly staring down her organic competitors while her Creator glowed proudly above her, the the television/gossip blog world was changed forever, as well as several hotly debated areas of physics and molecular biology. Also she's vegan.

This will be a Cycle to remember for generations.



Now, how the hell do I get Top Model Canada and Top Model Germany on my TV? Are they on Netflix? Will The Boy allow me to use his Netflix to watch Heidi Klum in Tyra's role if I explain what a massive hole Project Runway has left in my psyche?

This American Idol Thing, Right?

Alright, as a last ditch effort to save some small part of my dignity before I get really into this, let me just point out that I have never watched a season of American Idol, and have kept myself chaste from Ryan's cold dirty stare.

But see, now I have a DVR.
Also, look, I know I've got my reality show sins. Top Chef. Tool Academy. America's Next Top Model. Which by the way starts next week (thank fucking god), so I've been thinking of this Idol thing as just a pre-game show, you know. The warm up to the apocalypse.

So I started watching Idol this year when they hit the top 24. There is no point to watching anything before the actual performances start, at least unless you really enjoy feeling superior to the rest of the country and watching people cry in pathetic and heartbreaking ways. Which I DO, but two hours straight of it, and at that point you either hate yourself, or you're getting off on it in an inappropriate way. It's deliberate I bet, a way to get your ego pumped enough so that you'll feel completely okay judging these people when voting hits, even though the worst of them is still more talented than you. Except for...well we'll get to that. C'mon America, you OWN these people, separate the wheat from the chaff you fat couch bound motherfuckers. Remember, you saw her during the auditions before they picked her! It's like you discovered her yourself! You are prescient, honestly. Your contestant's fate is completely dependent on your support, you god blessed children of the sweet green flatland.

How does anyone watch this show without DVR? First of all, it's on three nights a week. And each show is like, two hours long. And 1 hour 15 minutes of that is commercials. This is not the fucking Olympics guys. There are 12 people each show, they sing like a minute thirty worth of song and then boom, commercial break again, between EACH ONE. They are just fucking with you. Or they think you have a real bladder control problem. Maybe you are drunk enough that you do. Maybe they figure all the drinking you would have to do to get through 2 hours of this shit, for the past nine years, has fucked with your soft insides enough that they are willing to be a little merciful. Or Kara has to take a break every ten minutes to refresh her spray tan. Who is this Kara creature and why is she on here? Every time she opens her gaping maw, she looks around for approval, like an Italian aunt. "I like you!" "You're dirt, but I like you!" "I hated this, but I like YOU." Over and over again, like Paula's soul was implanted in her and looped. She is every girl you have ever met in a bar downtown that you hated.


Oh I criticize but shit, I think total? I've watched about 4 hours of this show. The Boy usually calls me just as it's finishing, and then I feel even more dirty because he wants to talk about other things, and I just seriously want to talk about song selection. I wonder if he's going to be okay when Top Chef starts and I no longer have shame holding my tongue.

I have opinions about this show, guys. And here they are.
First, the boys. There are only two boys I like, and I don't really like either of them much, but they are the only ones who don't make me want to never touch a dick again. Wait no, there's three. But the third one is David Cassidy, so I don't think it counts. Everyone else is a) flat b) trying to be Josh Groban or c) has a mullet. To be fair, Mullet Guy sorta has a Marty McFly vibe going on, and I'd like to believe it's deliberate, but I don't think it's as deliberate as it should be. There's some guy from Atlanta who wore tails last week, and needs to be a senate page, really it's his true calling. There's Egghead Latino, as he's being referred to on the interwebs. Everyone's a big fan of him, but he smacks of Wannabe Fallout Boy to me, and I think if there's any justice in the world, he will fall. He sang "Sugar We're Going Down" the first week, and I thought to myself, if the Barenaked Ladies singer ever dies in a fiery not at all intentional plane crash, this guy has a job for life. Also I just looked it up and the Barenaked Ladies singer just quit the band last year, so hello?

But here is my top pick guy: Lee. I have nothing deep to say about him. He does songs I hate, but he's adorable, and not singing old R&B songs, so win.



There a rumor that this year the producers really want a girl to win, presumably because Clay and Adam really burned them. And I think they have stacked the deck accordingly, because the guys are generally exactly what you find if you searched youtube for "High school band doing cover of John Legend." The girls aren't much better. There's a stylish Cuban mami church singer who sang Creed, so GOODBYE I don't care how awesome your little outfit was. There's that blonde girl from One Tree Hill who played the piano this week, though she played it so slow, it made me think maybe she also learned to play the piano this week. Some sixteen year old lounge singer named Katie, who is like, the new Rickie Lake.

Oh, but there are three girls I love. LOVE.

First - Jewel. Totally the best singer. Charmingly reticent to the whole Idol thing. Looks at Ryan like he's on crack. Only pays attention to Simon's criticism, which oh my god, the stereotype about him was completely correct. It's like I've been hearing about this mythical Simon creature for years, and only now I can admit that yes, he is the only real person in this whole show. Everyone else is a hologram. Even Ellen. Ellen looks like she fought a little before they took her, like she was hiding out in the Costa Rican jungle, which is my explanation for her safari outfit this week.



Next - Jewel. But Jewel after she got rich. I like the Gray Haired Wonder, cause at least she's trying to actually have a sound, even if it is the same sound coming out of every British recording studio right now. I suspect she's a good front woman. She's going to get a recording contract out of this either way.



And finally: Siobhan. The girl everyone knew in high school who had the lead in every play ever done in that cold creaking auditorium. Rachel from Glee. Did I mention I love that show? It was only a matter of time before the Idol got me I guess. This is her performance from the week before, cause she did Aretha this week, which was okay, but she looked like a complete tool doing it and you knew she did it only so she could hit a high note. I think I just like her because I like the idea that not all those high school drama club stars end up getting fat and married in Illinois somewhere. Though the mere fact that no one bothered to make a youtube video of her actual performance is disconcerting. All of you East coast fat cat liberals need to get off your high horses and vote for her so everyone's dreams everywhere stay marginally intact.



So there are my honest favorites. And then there is Haley. Haley is not a girl or a boy. It is a Haley, the first completely self powering self propelled karaoke machine/wii. It got eliminated this week, I just found out while searching for this video. I wonder if they will repurpose it to make lattes.



If you want to waste an hour of your time looking at the disintegration of our gene pool, here are the other performances.
I'm sorry I did this to you. To all of you.

Wednesday TV Night:: 1 Down, 1 To Go

America's Next Top Model is Finally Over Folks.

I'll make this recap quick.
First, the producers had the girls reintroduce themselves to the audience. Because there is apparently a large section of viewers who only tune in for the finales of reality shows.
After that sweet trip down made up memory lane, a strange green Hawaiian leprechaun made the girls get lost hiking, by leading down tricky paths that disappeared into volcanic dust when they tried to find them again. Laura tried leaving pineapple pieces, to get them home, but the starving camera crew which has been forced to follow them day and night for months ate them. After hours in the hot sun, the leprechaun told them the secret to getting home before night, which was to film this commercial for mascara. A vampire showed up, and kept trying to psyche them out, cause if they lost they would be left in the wilderness overnight, and this particular vamp had been living on liquid eyeshadow for years. But luckily, the plucky little dyslexic and the snotty east coast liberal managed to do alright with their scripts. Even though the hostage video of them together was OBVIOUSLY a hostage video, I mean, c'mon.

Two interruptions: 1)The best part of this ANTM season has been the fucking Nutella for Breakfast commercials. 2) The CW would like you to go green, and get the "West Bev" look, by wearing incredible expensive vintage clothes. No really, their tip was "wear vintage".

Back to the show. Laura brings up an interesting idea; the milkshake as an emotion. Nigel made fun of her for it, but I think milkshake is a very valid emotion. I can definitely think of times in my life when I've been feeling milkshakey. The editors keep trying to stress the competition throughout, with all the judges talking about "how close it is". Tyra has one on one talks with them, where she's basically like "look how awesome my show is and how lucky these loser girls were and also I'm going to turn them into gingerbread cookies and eat them." Laura talks about how being on ANTM means she's been more successful than the entire rest of her family, and cries some. Nicole sits there and analyzes her competitor's commercial vs. resale value.

Then onto the runway show. Seems the Cash for Clunkers program did more than cause a shortage in used cars, it also caused a shortage in short models. Aw snap. Tyra can't find any petite models at all, anywhere in the world, so she brings back all the kicked off contestants and also Eddie Murphy's daughter? The dresses they wear are ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. Seriously, who is this designer, and somebody please make her live in Canada for a little while, because Hawaii has fucked her brain. Laura is wearing the sequin equivalent of a tramp stamp, and Nicole is dressed in a thrift store prom dress from 1967 dyed pink to clash with her hair. Nicole is so mad about her dress, she stomps down the runway like a Terminator. Tyra calls it her signature walk. I call it her "I don't know how to walk on a runway at all, because we've had zilch practice at it this season, and also I learned to walk last year. " Laura does pretty well. At the end, Laura and Nicole make a porno. Tyra comes backstage after the show to look completely horrified while lying through her teeth about how well they did.

In the end, Nicole won. Duh. But she used her victory for good, as she completely undermined Tyra's whole Tiny Girls Farm theme, and went with this takeaway instead...

"I'm a dork, and I'm America's Next Top Model!"

On Glee
that music teacher tries to persuade Rachel not to like him by singing her THIS SONG. THE MOST PERVERTED SONG ON THE OLDIES STATION THAT I AM SO HAPPY THEY USED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.



Top Chef: Jennifer Versus Eli

I learned about the Bucose D'Or this episode. I suspect most of America learned about it this episode, which explained why the winner of this episode got an invite for the qualifying rounds, because the advisory board finally caught on that unless they get some money for this thing, USA is never gonna get in the finishing three. Apparently, an American competitor has never placed higher than sixth in this "culinary olympics". So obviously its a foolish European thing we can safely ignore.

But this is all not very interesting. The real question of the night was would my top four make it to the finale intact, or would I lose a lot of money on the internet and have to sell my eggs?

For the Quickfire, Padma was joined by an abnormally large dwarf, who challenged the chefs to make a Turducken, only not really, cause that's gross. Jennifer scared me, by making some quip about actually making a turducken. But when Padma tasted her dish, and graced her with a warm "Welcome back Jennifer", I knew all was well. Jenn in fact won the challenge. Take that Eli!

Then everyone talked about how much they loved Eli, and I knew it was in the bag.

Look, I'm sure Eli is really talented. I'm doing him the honor of actually spelling his name right finally, so that should mean something. But he's a baby. And he was ruining my prediction.

So for the Elimination, they hold a fake Bucose D'Or, and Thomas Keller comes and dusts everyone with French Laundry crumbs (which bestow upon the winner every James Beard award ever). Everyone has to make some really technically perfect salmon or lamb dishes, and it looks like everyone kind of failed, but that doesn't stop the guests at the table from congratulating themselves on how great they, the judges, are. After all, it's awfully intimidating to cook for their level of genius right?

All the lamb is undercooked. All the salmon is overcooked. Kevin wins. Eli goes home. And the Voltron brothers spend most of their time trying to convince the audience that they are villains, which sort of works, except Bryan is too nice to ever be a real villain. There should be a sci-fi corollary here. I'm too tired to think of it.

But the time has come. My magic Final Four are off to Napa Valley, and next episode! Stay tuned! Padma in bangs!

Wednesday TV Should Quiver Like a 17th Century Courtesan's Inner Thigh

ANTM recap: The Joy of Modeling

First of all, did everybody see the super sweet interview with Miss Jay on the Tyra Banks Show yesterday?



Is it weird that Miss Jay reminds me of Bill Cosby a little?

This episode we're down to the three sweetest girls and one very not grownup yet girl who will probably be kinda nice when she gets a little more used to rejection. Oh Erin. I mean, she's 18 and gorgeous, so you shouldn't expect much maybe. Give her some college, a dreadful first day, a few years of ramen, and a son of a bitch cheating boyfriend. Then you'll want to drink with her.

Nicole, who is a shoe-in to win. What's more certain that a shoe-in? A given? A foregone conclusion? A destined prophetic totally already written ending? Girl has had some fucking awesome dresses for judges panel too.

Jennifer, who has really won me over. I think it started with the news host challenge. It's her perfect career. And when she talked about how proud she was of herself, because she doesn't normally succeed at anything, cause she's a big giant quitter? I really want her to get a show on E! like, right now.

And finally, Laura. How can anyone dislike Kentucky girl? I just wish Tyra would be nicer to her grandmother.

All four of these girls have really learned from this show, and that's kind of amazing. It takes a crazy supernatural farce of a show, and adds sincerity and meaning. I'll talk about this more in a little bit.

But first, to sum up. The girls are forced to participate in a hotel exercise class for seniors and divorcees called Hip hop Hula. Laura proves to everybody she knows how to move that junk in her trunk, and win a free trip to teach that class next semester.

Then the girls are dressed up like Pele, the international soccer star, and pose barefoot on incredibly painful volcanic rock while sea water is splashed all over their incredibly expensive soccer outfits. Erin, who it turns out is actually a 60 yr old divorcee herself, learns to soften the inborn bitterness in her face by "singing one of those pop songs that teenagers listen to." It works, but will it be enough to save her? Because, oh yeah, they're doing a double elimination for no apparent reason.

Tyra comes to panel in the act of being eaten alive by a giant flesh colored leg warmer, and creates a new word! Smozing! Smizing and posing at the same time! She is a fucking gift to the English language people.

The ax swings, and Jennifer and Erin are sent home, one to start her incredibly lucrative podcast career, and the other to become an American Apparel girl. Nicole the Classic and Laura the Cute are left, and it's great. Here are two girls who came in very awkward, not pretty in any hip sense of the word, and they both discovered they were good at this on this show. It really makes me happy. Yes people, that's right, ANTM really made me genuinely happy, with no smarminess or sarcasm or mean social evaluation. It means this will probably be my last season of watching this crap, because I've been turned. Did you notice my non-sarcastic link to a Tyra clip up there? I'm ruined.

Glee: I think the relationship between gay Kurt and his father is the single best thing about this show. I came to tears at that final scene. The writers are playing it really really well. I'm so done with Rachel though, and her not-boyfriend. And WTF Wheelchair Kid, way to be overly self-righteous and snotty to Asian Girl. Are you only going to date people with disabilities? And not even real ones, but stuttering of all things? Shithead.

Top Chef recap: Finally that Woman Goes Home.

Every season, it gets to be sorta towards the end of Top Chef, I'm watching the intro to the show, and I cannot remember who at least a third of those people are. With this season, I wish I could forget almost all of them. From the beginning, it's been just waiting and waiting and waiting for the competition to get down to the final four. KJMB. JKBM, MKBJ. BKMJ. Wish we could have done a double elimination on this show.

For the quickfire, Padma and Nigella had sex. Or maybe you were just supposed to think that, right Bravo? The chefs have to prepare breakfast room service for the ladies, who basically get to sit in bed for 90 minutes and eat six breakfasts. Fuck you Padma.

Ely makes some reuben benedict which wins over Nigella's cold culinary cockles. Kevin, of course, does something awesome. And Jennifer makes Shit on a Shingle.

I had never heard of this dish before my ex-boyfriend made it. It is one of his father's favorite things to eat. I tried it and really couldn't dig it. Creamed and Chipped are not two words that make me salivate. Add Beef, and it spells Dinty Moore in my head. Unfairly, I'm sure. But there you go. The point is, even his dad doesn't think of this as a BREAKFAST DISH. Ely wins, and instead of 15,000 dollars, he gets his recipe in the new Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook, out just in time for Christmas. I don't know why I would buy a cookbook filled with recipes made up on the fly in thirty minutes, but I probably will.

For the main challenge, each chef spends a day being "inspired" by a famous casino on The Strip. For example, Mike Voltron gets New York, New York, and decides to make a boneless chicken wing. Ely gets Circus Circus and makes peanut soup. Ect. It was pretty boring. Jennifer, who really is losing it, makes a big unappealing chunk of meat to represent Excalibur, which seems pretty accurately medieval to me. Bryan Voltron makes an excellent fish thing that wets Nigella's panties, and talks about his son a lot. Kevin says something dumb about how everyone assumes he's a redneck, which makes zero sense to me. I don't think you're a redneck Ginger. I do think you probably listened to too much Rage Against the Machine at some point, but not a redneck. He makes some spicy tomato water, which is apparently an actual thing people say instead of broth.

And then there's Robin. There's always fucking Robin right? Not any more! Robin makes panna cotta of all things, and screws that up even. Nigella makes some quip about the firmness of her P&C, see the headline, and Toby vows to step up his English Mean Girl game. But not even Robin's comedic value can save her forever, and she's sent packing. One of the Voltron brothers wins. It's really not important who. The only question left is will it be Jennifer or Ely next week? Jennifer is Petra Arkanian. Ely is Crazy Tom. Padma is the Hive Queen.

Finally, Macy's would like you to know that there is a Santa Claus, and her name is Queen Latifah.

Wednesday TV Recap: Leeks are fun!

Oh youth, how confident you are!

ANTM: See, this is why math doesn't matter, girls.

Things I learned tonight from America's Next Top Smurfette.

1) 21 yr olds are actually older than 18 yr olds. No, really. The math girl told me. It's like, a factual thing.

2) One reason it's better to be hot is that you can keep your house in the worst filthy state, and instead of cleaning it and being ashamed, someone will whisk you away to a billion dollar estate in Hawaii.

3) I do not know how to spell Hawaii. I had to spell check a state of my fucking country. Sad.

4) There is such a career path as extreme water sports photographer.

5) In 2 short cycles, Tyra will be taking all the photographs.

6) They have no sun in Kentucky, because the coal smoke and horse farts have blocked it forever. Also, all Kentuckians are mole people.

7) We should all know more about Tibet. "I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed." Someone should have told her Tibet is full of dragons, I bet she would have changed her mind.

8) When a fashion photographer does blackface, it's a controversy. When Tyra does it, it's emboldening, fierceable, and smizening.

9) Every single staff member on that show is a fucking expert on teenage girls. When this show finally dies, they should all go on to write books and be on Oprah.

10) Bye Britany! Remember, philanthropy awaits you in your new career as extremely successful socialite, in about 15 years.

***** I watched about five minutes of Vampire Diaries, because there was no Glee. My boyfriend danced around with some girl in her underwear to a bad cover song meant to evoke debauchery and madness. He then snapped her neck. I watched some Angel.************

Top Chef: Padma, do you know what protein is?

I actually liked the Quickfire this episode. The chefs were asked to create tv dinners based on tv shows, which was fun. No big surprise, Kevin's Italian family style Sopranos dinner won with the Italian chef guest judge. But I thought Bryan's interpretation of M.A.S.H as meatloaf and apple pie was really cute.

The only disturbing part was when Padman mentions TOP CHEF FROZEN DINNERS FROM SCHWAN'S. And then Kevin successfully evoked the idea that these would be like Meals On Wheels, and I think that particular promotion idea fell flat.

But let's move on to the good stuff. So the chefs are told they will be cooking dinners for guests at CraftSteak, Colicchio's almost iconic steakhouse. Yes, you can brand something so well, it becomes iconic. They run into the kitchen like kids at Christmas, shaking all the paper wrapped meaty gold, exclaiming over bits of rump and slices of flank. Then Natalie Portman comes in and kills all their hopes and dreams.

Ely mistakenly says the most important thing Natalie has ever done is be in Star Wars, because that's the most important thing anyone can do. I disagree. This is the most important thing Natalie has ever done:



Let's just examine the following moments:

Kevin - "Every Lent my wife and I go vegetarian as penance" - not an exact quote. I couldn't remember the exact words cause I was screaming "No Kevin! Not Lent!" at the TV, as my crush withered and died. Or at least was left gasping for air.

Eli - feels pity for vegetarians. Cause it's a disability they are forced to live with. PETA, where are you?

Mike Douche - "I'll cook anything. I'll cook goats." What?

Padma, talking about garlic blossoms- "It's like a little prick on my tongue."
Tom - "it went from a little prick to a big taste in your mouth."
All of Natalie's very lucky friends - died from the sheer wonder of being there, and swearing to themselves they will be friends with her forever.

Natalie, on being in love with Voltron Jr. - "who is his dealer, and does he want more clients?"

Also Gail, Leighton Meester wants her Emmy dress back, and is very mad you died it green.

So in the end, Mike Douche had the poetic justice of being sent home before Robin. One can only hope Ely suffers the same fate. Kevin won, again. I was less than thrilled, you Catholic. No, it's true, I still love your chubby little ginger face. But please don't ever tell me anything like that again.

Next week: Is Jennifer the new Erin (from ANTM), and what advice would Tyra give her about self-sabotaging? Maybe we should get her some Autotune?

Wednesday TV Recap: Hey Everybody, Laura is Dyslexic!

Okay, so you see that face I'm making in my profile picture. I keep thinking about changing it, cause I look at it and I'm like, gee that's a weird face. Why do I want people to think I'm a Yugoslavian witch who thinks they have bad taste in music?

Well, it turns out that is the face I make when it's one in the morning, and I've gotten a little messed up, and watched a bunch of reality TV I was not in the mood for tonight. Loopy, exhausted, alternately hopeless and high from snarkiness.

Tonight I corralled poor Gracie, the cat that has been living outside The Ex's building for the last summer. The neighbors that just moved from there, C and M, had started feeding her, cause she kept coming around and was so freaking friendly and small and sweet. And pregnant. Then she had the kitten, and brought it to the porch to give it to them, and the new neighbors ended up taking the kitten, but of course they didn't want two cats. So Gracie is still on the porch, and I've been feeding her and trying to figure out what to do with her. I sorta feel like when an animal adopts you, you have to take care of them. I also realize that is the attitude that will get me fifteen cats and a very unhappy life. The Ex has sort of thought about taking her, but really doesn't want a second cat, and it doesn't help that his existing cat kinda hates Gracie now. So adorable wonderful Gracie is at the moment in his bathroom, while I try to figure out what to do with her after I take her to the APL to get fixed.

Right, so that's my night. I was not in the mood to watch ANTM or even Top Chef. I even thought to myself, I should just watch Glee and go to bed at 10 and maybe stop watching tv altogether. Of course, it's 1am, so we can see how that turned out.

So since I've watched them, lets talk about them. But keep in mind I watched the Angel episode where Connor and Holtz are sucked into the hell dimension while Wesley bleeds out from his throat in a park all alone, right before I sat down to this computer. So we'll see.

America's Next Top Model: The Disappearing Girl

Let's think of some current models who are "double or triple threats".

I can only mostly think of old ones: Heidi, Cindy, Brooke.
Because being a host on a show or an actress is something models do either when they get so successful they can't breathe, or when they fail at being a model. That being said, Jennifer, you should really practices doing interviews on weird people like Ant and that girl from 90210. I think that is a very good place for you to head to, and nobody will give two shits about your tiny eyelid flaw. You're only going to be on this show for another episode, maybe two. Tell your agent to get started now.

I don't understand why we're speeding up the challenges like this. Last week, go sees, and this week, the dread CoverGirl commercial? Which is usually reserved for the last 4 girls. First there was the interview challenge, where you got to actually see the platform the muppet actors stand behind while filming, so that was kind of cool. Though I was never one of those kids who needed that explained. Poor Laura, who can't read certain things because she's dyslexic, and I like her so no need to make fun there, Laura had to read things off a teleprompter which had to suck hardcore. But then *twist* they cut off the prompter, and she kinda sucked then too. Jennifer was the only one who nailed this.

Then time to truck out the CoverGirl zombie winner from last season. I sometimes wonder if the new girls, meeting a Bree or a Teyonna, second guess themselves. "Hmm, maybe I should have just tried to make it on my own, I could have been slutty enough. Maybe this isn't worth it." Nah, of course they don't. Everybody loves CoverGirl right? right? Cause it's Exacting New Lash Volume Glimmer Plumping time darlings. Teyonna is being kept alive on Stay True Highlights, sparkling water, and fashion columnist blood.

Jennifer and Nicole both do very well in the commercial, considering the wreckage that has been past years. Laura can't read, so, you know, duh. Erin literally has a temper tantrum in front of Nigel. 4 times. He's probably fucking his wife thinking about it right now. Anyway, Erin's commercial is basically a heroin addict trying to get money from her folks. It's the saddest Cover Girl commercial in history. She even looks like she's crying in it, cause she is! They should use it.

During elimination, Tyra says something about "1+1=3" to Britany, who shuts down right there. It's over for her. I don't blame her, after all, not only is it not true, it didn't make any sense cause they were pushing a trio of CG products. So how does three products translate to 1+1=3 in Tyra's head? Math Girl With an Actual Career Ahead of Her has had enough. Nicole looked super cute in her glasses and indie pop singer outfit. Erin channeled Marie Antoinette. And maybe it was my tv, but when Tyra got down to the last two girls, did her voice get all echoey and auto tuney? Very epic, with creepy soundtrack music behind it.

Then Rae went home. Wait, who?

Top Chef Las Vegas: I'm warning you Bravo, I will throw something at the TV

So the rule in horror movies, I've been told, is that the slutty girl who loses her virginity,or has sex, or does something otherwise Eve in the Garden like, will be killed first. Do I have that right? I think one of the Bravo editors decided to add some layers, and showed Jennifer in her bikini on purpose in the beginning for that very effect. It's a theory.

But then what to make of the sweet little Voltron brother rivalry?Mike V. was the edit baby this week, and we got to all learn about what an asshole he is, as a setup for his ultimate redemption right?

First, there's this Tag-Off cooking thing, and like Kevin said, this is the most ridiculous Quickfire ever. So let's just move past it.

Restaurant Wars. Everybody's favorite challenge except for me. Cause I could care less about your decorating skills, or your front of the house skills. This challenge is painful for me to watch, because it's going to get fucked up no matter what. Always. And how the hell do I get myself invited to be one of the guests for this thing? Is there a drawing I can enter, a mailing list? Do I have to go suck up to a bunch of food bloggers? I'll do anything.

Thankfully, they got rid of that decor shit this year. I'm not watching Top Design Star after all. For a reason. This year it's really simple; create a menu, cook it, serve a bunch of people.

The Voltron brothers are paired with Robin and Ely, and still win. Because together, they are Voltron. Mike is kind of an asshole, but gets his big twist by winning 10,000 and then offering to split it with the team. Cause, you know, he's got a heart of gold and platinum and diamond transistors. Bryan is calm. Brian is calm. Brian is calm. Ely keeps his cool around Robin by completely avoiding her as much as he can, and does an okay front of the house. Not great, he could have tucked his shirt in.

But at least he didn't look like a bitter serving wench in some East German bar circa 1974. Laurine didn't even tell the judges what they were eating, just dumped the slop down in front of them and left. Who the fuck does that? The rest of her team, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike Douche, do a really good job of fucking up on top of that. And Jennifer, I'm personally mad at you for that. How could you have allowed the judges to make me think, believe, feel if even for an instant, that you might be sent home? Do you know what that would have done to me? I might have even stopped watching!

I let out an audible sigh when Laurine was sent packing instead. I felt embarrassed for myself.

And the episode ended with the Voltron brothers going back and forth. "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad" "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad, I'm happy." "You're mad." "I'm not mad."
Which is how the ship found them, centuries later, sitting in the rubble, their cold fusion hearts stuck in an eternal dialogue. The tattoos had faded from the elements, but the unwrinkled brows remained unchanged, with a glimmer of gold from their Exacting Highlights Natural Human Makeup, shade #3.



Note: looks like Natalie Portman is pulling a Zooey Deschanel next week. I hate that I live in a world where I can say that, and it has meaning for you.

Ah, Wilderness!

Yes, it's true. No pictures yet. I've been isolated from uploading. On my camera right now sits a horsie nose, and a fake hurricane, and a giant shadow insect crouched on the roof of a church. At some point, you will see them, and you will be envious.

Last night was the finale of my new favorite reality, Discovery's Out of the Wild: The Alaskan Experiment. The quick and fatal synopsis is that they leave 9 people out in the middle of the woods, with a map and very limited tools. Then those people have to hike back to civilization without knowing where it is or how far it is or how long they'll be out there. If they get sick of it, they can press a little button on their gps and a helicopter comes to get them. There is no prize at the end. It's glorious. I hope the show comes back again and again. I hate prizes. Yes, we all know a 100,000 dollars would change your life. No, I don't want to hear about your heartwarming single mother upbringing and then listen to you sob about your kid's lost opportunities, or that fashion line you have to start to be a complete person. I like this whole "nope, I'm just going to do this because" mentality.

Really quickly, within a few days, the group lost half its people. It worked out well, because instead of 9 people arguing and being dimwits, you got to watch five people being decent and rugged and hungry. They couldn't hunt or fish all that well, so they survived by splitting the random gopher between themselves as their only meal for days at a time. Once they killed a porcupine. They hiked in blizzards. They spent 8 hours at a time gathering firewood. Between hikes, the producers set up overnight spots for them, which was anything from an old hunting cabin to a crashed airplane they camped under the wing of. They never knew what they were in for, something warm or something crappy? Are there any beans? How will we fill the gaps to stop the snow getting in? And through it all, as they starved and froze and inwardly crumbled under depression, they had no idea how long they would have to do this. That's the really impressive part. That's the part that would have killed me.

It was heartbreakingly sad last night, because one of the final five quit literally a mile before they found their way out. She just couldn't stand the not knowing anymore. We, the audience, knew. So I was literally on the verge of tears, watching her leave. I wanted to scream at her to just hold on a little longer. I liked her, because she taught the others how to skin things.

And the ones that stayed? I don't think I've ever felt as happy for a tv show contestant as I was for them, watching them stumble into the abandoned hunting cabins, and then finally find the train tracks. There was this dumb shit where the producers were all like "since it's illegal to break into houses and trespass, they can't do it." If I've been stranded in the wilderness for a month bivouacking in pine trees and eating snow with cayenne pepper to stave off crippling hunger, I'm breaking into a house. No question. I would expect the owners to expect me to, quite frankly. Isn't it in their religion or something? Jack London would not have hesitated.

It was such an accomplishment for them. They will never do anything like that again, and they will always know that at least they did that once. I would like more reality shows like that, please. Ones that give chance of a lifetime challenges, and ones that expect you to be more than you are, be more noble and more tough and a better human. So, not reality, but supercharged reality. Fantasy reality. The kind of stuff they used to write young adult novels about before sex became an okay topic for preteen consumption. Into the woods and out of the woods and home before dark.