Several Ways Lost Could End and Should End, But Probably Isn't Going To

1) Locke corners Jack in the temple. They talk for an unreasonably long time before Locke tries to crush Jack's skull against the wall, not realizing that Jack is now the island's protector and he can't kill him. Jack then uses his new island powers to call down a thousand doves, which beat their wings and get all frantic, and swish Smokey away. Locke tries to rally, with lightning and stuff, but Jack forces his essence into a glass jar, where he is trapped. Sawyer will realize that in order to be a god, you have to have a god complex. Years later, stranded on another island when his spacecraft malfunctions, an astronaut will find the bottle, washed up on a beach. In return for his release, Smokey will grant him three wishes, one of which is an infinite number of wishes, and in frustration at being caught by such an obvious cliche trick, Smokey will decapitate him. Because djinns can do that. Freed from his glass hell, Locke will take over the world, and the Federation is born. Credits roll as Jay Z's Lucifer plays.



2) Walt arrives back on the island, and time freezes as he confronts Desmond. The two are actually electromagnetic opposites, and as they sit on the beach playing backgammon, the air crinkles with waves of power. Walt beats Desmond easily, since he is actually a Junior National Backgammon Champion in New York, and Desmond is melted away by Walt's laser eyes. Vincent then runs out of the jungle, miraculously preserved beyond his natural dog years, and is reunited with Walt. The two of them round up all the survivors, including a powerless against Walt smoke monster, and force them to play a human game of backgammon, where everyone dies horrible deaths when they get captured. Like, Kate gets eaten by a dinosaur, Sawyer is forced to eat jello made from his own blood, ect. Most of the episode is people being killed in new and fantastical ways. Walt is the only one who lives happily ever after. Credits roll while Stand By Me plays, and Walt and Vincent frolic in the waves, using Ben's head as a beach ball.



3) Sawyer kills Jack because he's never forgiven him for killing Juliet, and he really doesn't give a shit about these fucking people or this fucking island. Smokey flies off the island, never to be seen again, cause he just wanted to get off the island dudes. Everyone is still stuck there, but now they age and die, because the island's power is gone. All grown up, Walt will later return to the island, married to Desmond's son, on their honeymoon, and be completely shocked to find out that Vincent's progeny have started a race of talking dogs, which now rule the island with an iron paw, and all the elderly humans are forced to work in the fields as farm slaves. Credits roll while the theme song from Diamonds are Forever plays.



4) The island is a spaceship. This helps no one. Everything blows up. No one knows why.



5) While Locke is busy hunting down the survivors in the jungle, we flash forward to the future, where Aaron Littleton, Charlie Hume, and Kwon Ji Yeon all end up attending the same liberal arts college. They all take the same anthropology course, where Walt is a young professor. Later Charlie will recruit them all to form a secret society of people who can do crazy things with their minds. They call this the Dharma Initiative. Walt will eventually get drunk on a trip to the Amazon with Ji Yeon, and tell her about an island he thinks he's remembers, but he's not sure anymore. Ji Yeon will use Dharma's database to search through Walt's file, and find out all about their parents. This will start a lifelong obsession with finding the island for all 4 of them. Charlie confronts an elderly Penny, who denies everything in an attempt to protect her son from his fathers fate. But eventually she is forced to admit what she knows, which leads to the foursome
tracking down Eloise, who helps them build a time machine to find the island with, since she only knows where its been in the past and not where it is in the present. They find the island, but not in the right century, so the Dharma Initiative devotes itself to discovering the secrets of the island, in an attempt to guide it into the timeframe where their parents exist in a purgatorial state of being severely mutilated and beaten by Smokey, who can't kill them.

No music plays as credits roll because you are all blown away by how awesome this idea is.



6) Lost turns out to be completely based on the lyrics to Monkey Gone to Heaven by the Pixies.

There was a guy
An underwater guy who controlled the sea
Got killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey

The guy is Poseidon, who is the father of Jacob and Smokey, which is why their mother was saved from drowning. And the ten million pounds of sludge is what's actually causing that radioactive glow from inside the island, which turned Smokey into Smokey in the first place. The Island is in fact a filter for the sea, to try and save it from humanity's toxic solution, which is why the island moves around. And Jacob was the protector of the filter, and Smokey became like, an intelligent pollution monster, which is why he can't escape.

The creature in the sky
Got sucked in a hole, now there's a hole in the sky
And the ground's not cold
And if the ground's not cold, everything is going to burn
We'll all take turns
I'll get mine too

This refers to the pan-dimensional rip in the sky Oceanic Flight 815 created when they crashed, brought down by a malfunctioning island battery. Now, the forcefield of the island is unstable, allowing for small holes in the time space continuum. Which is how Smokey hopes to get out. The ground is not cold anymore, because the filter is losing control of the waste, it burns with poison that will destroys the worlds oceans which is gaining power from the actual sunshine that sneaks in through the broken forcefield.

If man is five, if man is five, if man is five
Then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six
And if the devil is six, then God is seven, God is seven, God is seven.

This refers to the big showdown between Smokey and Poseidon's army of kraken that will result in everyone being killed, like, right away, except Hurley, and then there will be an hour of pollution monsters versus giant squid. Captain Planet will show up, turn out to be Charlie Hume, and save the day with his planeteers. Ji Keon is Heart. Walt is Earth. Aaron is Fire. Hurley uses his powers to gather up an army of the dead, who rise from the earth and join the fight. It is a massive showdown, but Poseidon wins. He makes Hurley the new caretaker of Hades.





Suffice it to say, if Walt and Aaron aren't mentioned tonight, I'm going to be so disappointed.

ANTM Cycle 14: The Girl Who Left Pine Bluff

You will go forth into the world,
and the righteous will know by the T upon your brow
that you are but sculpted clay,
and possess no spirit of man
but imprison a djinn in your heart.

I like the title of the second to last episode as it read on my DVR, "Ugly Pretty Woman". First of all because of the Julia Roberts nod, and second because I love when pretty people get so bored of looking at themselves that they lapse into making ridiculous faces in the name of art.

We know right away Krista is going to win because she used to be a store manager. The editors can't give her such a banal back story and then send her back into that world. All the other girls are going back to families or college or commercial careers. Krista will go back to managing a store. I want to know what kind of store. It seems really important. But she never says. Instead we are introduced to Krista's superstitious side, where she latches onto simple percentages as lucky icons. 25% 25%25%! I imagine its her version of a hail mary, this ocd recitation of her odds. She ends up saying it a lot, because she is terrified of Raina, and know the time will soon come when the three of them will enter the pit. Raina and Raina's Face. Locked together like some sort of Minnesotan Super Battlebot/Snowblower.

A wizard stops by the penthouse to have a sit down with the girls. He leaves the glass slipper and ticket to Manila at home, but brings them flowers. Real flowers. Hey Angelea, here's a tip for you: Do not ever act like this, whatever it is, is the first time it has happened to you. For instance, when I was taken to my first really nice restaurant on a date, did I tell the guy that? Did I say "go you!" Fuck no. I'm happy for you that you got real flowers for the first time, even if they are from Babar in Black, but keep that shit on the DL. Talley is actually incredibly likable in this part, as he talks to the girls about how to treat Japanese designers versus French ones, and how he worked for Andy Warhol when he was a young baby fashionista, and Warhol paid him 50 bucks a week and made him sleep in the YMCA. Which sounds exactly like Warhol, who was a dick. And now he works with Wintour, hinting at a very long history of asshole bosses, but yet he's not an asshole? So I'm on Team Talley now, despite the fact that calling something Team Anything reduces it to below soccer hooligan status. More on that later. Talley is fucking tall and huge by the way, not Yoda like at all.

I think my hard heart softens at the end of every ANTM cycle. Talley and his climb to eccentricity. Angelea and her naivety. Alex and her stink of desperation. I want them all to fly away to a hotel in the sky, where they live fabulous unexamined lives and get real flowers all the time.

So the Jays hijack a plane. They make the girls walk the aisle, as if the two of them were just sitting there in first class saying to themselves "oh my god, none of these girls can walk" "Who do you think walks the worst, Raina or Angelea?" "I bet you fifty bucks and a handjob Raina." "Alright, let's see. "

In my scenario, Mr. Jay wins, because Raina really does have the worst walk ever.

Then the girls are parachuted down into the wilderness of Queenstown to rescue a group of hostages, unaware that they are also being hunted by a extraterrestial bounty hunters.

No, actually, they are crowded onto the Hogwarts Express and taken to the mountains to get their O.W.L.s in making ugly faces while dressed as steam punk prostitutes. At least, that's what I got from the soundtrack.

Krista wins a bunch of jewelry, and the photo shoot, and then there's elimination finally and...
It's 50/50 versus the Second Coming of Brooke Shields. The Second Coming of Awesome gets sent home, because apparently Brooke Shields is better than awesome? Just like I would guess she is also better than puppies, cotton candy, Colombian snow, and pistachio gelato. You know what creeps me out about Brooke Shields? Those new commercials for growing your eyelashes. Where they are all like "side effects include staining your eyelid dark and maybe turning your eyes brown permanently." Angelea cannot resist one last embarrassing awkward moment of dancing, and then she is swept out of our lives forever.

Tyra yells at us violently to not go anywhere, like a CW drill Sergeant, and it works, I am frozen to my seat. Of course, it's 2am when I watch this, so I may actually be asleep, and this may not actually be what happened. Did anyone else hear her?

The finalists, Krista and Raina, are kidnapped and taken by black ops helicopter to an abandoned island resort, where a strange man gives them champagne and a butcher knife. They relax for a moment, savoring the drink after days of dehydration, when knock knock at the door are the Covergirl legions, led by zombie Nicole who looks like someone has been keeping her sedated in a lab and experimenting on coloring her hair through genetic alteration. The girls fight off the hordes as long as they can, but are overwhelmed and dragged down to the basement of the resort, where they are hooked up to every cosmetic torture device CG owns. After days of "treatments", Krista emerges as a high class New Orleans escort, Raina as a Russian underwear model/sex slave. They both bomb the commercial, and have their ankle bones shaved.

Later they find out their families have been kidnapped and brought to this same Island of Misfit Makeup. Tyra briefly shows them their loved ones faces, then drags them away again, promising to use them as test subjects unless the girls successfully walk in a Rock in Roll Circus show which appears to just be "dress up like an English school girl" show. All the other sad unhappy toys are trotted out, and they will all walk to school together, taking away any meaning this prize has at all. It's like they only got their New Zealand Air tickets in bulk or something. Someone needs to burn that hat Jessica keeps wearing. The girls divide themselves into Team Krista and Team Raina, proving Stockholm syndrome works across the equator. Fuck you Twilight.

There is a runway show. It features insanely boring clothes. Krista pictures her mom and stepdad, locked in that cold lab with shampoo in their eyes, and smiles smiles smiles until her face is frozen that way. Raina cannot fight the fear for her father, and her walk is stilted, stompy and uninspired. At the end of the night, Raina's father is brought out for the audience, tied to a wheel, and they throw daggers at him until one hits home. Alex wins, just for a brief shining moment, and is then sent back to the fishing village.

They meet at elimination, all our familiar characters. Raina is inexplicably wearing a tail. Tyra saved the best jumpsuit for last, an electric blue which symbolizes all the pain and wear and tear we've suffered to reach this final scene, all the sorrow and shame, the pride and dignity required to make it here. They crown Krista queen of the chocolate girls, and Talley cries a little. Then she is allowed to beat Raina to death with her bare hands.

THE END

Top Chef Recap: Finale Part One

Dear Best Friend,

What is the best way to hide a baby bump? I am normally very sexy, but as I get bigger, I'm afraid of wearing my normal clothes.

Yours truly, Knocked Up in Napa

Dear Knocked Up,

Instead of wearing your normal slutty clothes, what you should be wearing is even sluttier clothes. If last night's tv watching taught us anything, it's that pretty girls who are pregnant should wear even less clothing than what got them there in the first place. Try digging out your old cheerleading outfit, or dressing in a really fattening color, like white. It'll be ironic, since you're obviously anything but virginal. Change your hairstyle dramatically. Or, if you're really brave, wear clothing that has been previously only worn by cast members of Resident Evil movies and Blade. People will be so busy wondering where half of your sleeves went, they won't look at your fat little belly at all.

Dear Best Friend,

Which is worse, over-salting goat cheese or feeding a pregnant woman
a raw egg?

Yours truly, Cheated by the Brothers Grimm

Dear Cheated,

Up until last night, I would have said the raw egg thing. Salmonella and all. But apparently over salted goat cheese is really fucking nasty. Also, if you are called on the carpet for this sort of thing, NEVER EVER CONFESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR PERFECT DISH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. If possible, make sure you have some sort of epic story arc, like Cain and Abel, or Lucy and Desi, that will make you indispensable to the editors. Show no weakness. Next time, try hitting on your furry married co-star. It can't hurt.

Dear Best Friend,

What is Michael Chiarello's fucking problem?

Yours truly, California Dreaming

Dear California,

I don't know, but if you could please, as a state, do us the favor of forbidding him from traveling across state lines, I know we'd all be grateful. Please make sure he understands this includes all Top Chef production sets. I suggest also maybe imprisoning him in a wine cave under his beloved valley for all time, with animated grape vines removing his vital organs every 24 hours, until a sous chef should find him and put him out of his misery.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is the worst sign ever, you pretentious twats

Last night was anything but poetry for our Fearless Foursome. They were spirited away to Napa Valley, the Den of Easy Virtues. Once there, they came face to face with the soggy pork known as Chef Chiarello, the bastard who stole Top Chef Master title from Hubert, and who had kidnapped their princess and impregnated her with mystical soul sucking grapeseed babies. Their first challenge to was to get on his evil Train of Sustainable Doom, which was obviously a trap. Once imprisoned in the tiny kitchen car, they were forced to cook grapes grapes grapes. These dishes they fed to the Princess, like pomegranates to Persephone, knowing they were powerless to help her. With every bite, her soul turned more and more a deeper shade of khaki beige, with spots of sportscoat navy.

The brave boys managed to escape, but Jennifer oh my Jennifer. Like the Grinch, Chiarello set his evil eye upon her and determined that he would steal her talent for himself. Right then and there, he resolved that she should never win Top Chef. She would come to live with him in his faux Italian villa, while her soul would fester in a cedar barrel, trapped in the cellar with all his other victims. Like Ursula the sea witch and her bottles, see? Ripert he would deal with later.

Their destination was the annual harvest festival, call The Crush because traditionally this is when the indentured Chinese and Mexicans would pass out and drown in the mighty vats. They were forced to race each other through mazes to gather the ashen scraps of a raped countryside, and out of the scraps they must compose the dish to save their lives and careers.

First, the meats. Kevin chose the stoic and silent Cow as his totem, strong and cornfed. But did he cook it long enough? Bryan also used beef, understated and sweet, elegant. But where were his figs? Michael, devious ambitious Michael. Was it any wonder foi gras was his choice? And was it a surprise the stingy bastard didn't put enough in his soup? But Jennifer my Jennifer. Your duck was the prize of the night, the gilded feather in your cap. How ironic that it should also be the seal on your coffin, since Chiarello renewed his vow to bring your star down, once he tasted it's toothsome duckyness. (also, my friends, Kevin, that is what toothsome actually means.)

And the vegetarian dishes? Kevin took a carrot and a radish, said a magic Southern Witch spell over them, and created two pieces of vegetable that tasted like a 5 course meal. Bryan wove a ravioli so fine, the spiders were jealous. Michael put a raw egg in some vegetable stock and fed it to the princess. Maybe, he was trying to put her out of her misery? I think that's giving him too much credit. And Jennifer my Jennifer, it's not your fault that the evil Chiarello switched salts on you, giving you the cursed salt with the very slow melting that was ultimately your downfall. I know he did it. Did you see at judges table, how he immediately knew what had happened, even before you did?

The princess, whose transformation to rogue angel fighter was complete by the second scene, felt a tear on her cheek, and wondered what it was.

In the final level, the heroes faced the Circle of the Black Thorn, and though their armor was shining brightly, the Council nit and picked until the smallest pores and ingrown hairs had been exposed. When the smoke had cleared, Voltron remained united, to fight it out in the final battle. And Jennifer was left to hitch her way back to Philly, and battle Chiarello's minions by herself until she could be reunited with her Master, The Sorcerer Ripert. Who watched the battle from his ivory tower, and plotted revenge for the humiliation of his secret daughter.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

The last couple weeks of this show, I have felt chained to my tv, and not in that good riveting sort of way. I kept telling myself I could stop anytime I wanted to, but the one night I missed it? I couldn't stop thinking about it the whole next week. I felt like I had a visible scar on my leg from those chains*, and I was ashamed to be in public.

Alright, not really. But this show did turn into a major drag. I wish I could say it was all worth it. Perhaps it was, if only to learn the hard lesson that ANTM is fucking fixed. It's true I wanted Allison to win all along, because I like robots a lot and I like them even more when they integrate themselves successfully in society, like Rihanna. But I never ever expected Allison to make it through the CG commercial, and why would anyone ever put her on a runway? Really. So I went into last night with the expectation that it would absolutely be Aminat vs. The Borg Queen. Or as Buddy corrected me, the charred remnants of the Borg Queen. Is that mean?

Last night, Aminat and Allison kicked Teyonna's ass. Aminat obviously did the best of the CoverGirl commercial. She knew her lines, she was personable, she was pretty. I have been against Aminat from the start. I think she's been ignorant, skanky, and I really think she might have lead poisoning. However yes, she should have won. And Allison, thought not as good, at least didn't break down crying and morph into a hysterical 12 yr old girl.

Tyra was determined to get her pet into the top two though. So she inexplicably sent home the obvious winner of the challenge, strategizing that Teyonna would have to win against Allison on the runway. Aminat was cheated.

A minor miracle occurred on the runway, Allison was good! She was, in fact, better than Teyonna. She showed personality, her walk was decent, and she looked better. Teyonna looked like a terrified stick bug. But yet again, even though the judges' critiques favored Allison, Tyra chose her favorite. And it was over and done with.

Why exactly did Tyra have such a hard on for Teyonna? Let's wildly speculate:

1. Teyonna is Tyra's love child.

2. Teyonna is the love child of Tyra's current boyfriend - wait, does Tyra have boyfriends?

3. Tyra is a lesbian, and really wants Teyonna cause she has a thing for weird freaky heads and doesn't like to have anyone in bed prettier than her.

4. Tyra just in general doesn't like girls prettier than her.

5. Tyra is biding her time until she is able to lure Teyonna into her domicile and eat her and suck on her bones, and then mount her Alien Queen forehead on the wall as a trophy.

6. This show sucks.

Whatever the reason, it's over now. Teyonna can look forward to a life of doing strange Top Model in Action commercials with a disenchanted, drugged up McKee. Allison will, I think, have no problem finding rich sci-fi geeks to fall in love with her. And Aminat should probably stay in Brazil and find plenty of work and eventually grow up into a cultured beautiful person...or a cokehead.

A list of all the bad recaps I have written for this season - all very good reasons for me to cancel my cable and never get sucked into something like this again. Oh, the memories...

Ep. 10. Beware of the Bird : Tyra wishes she had the soul of an artist, and the talons of a condor.



Ep. 9. Redonkalous : new favorite word.



Ep. 8. The Earth Day Episode : The ladies brazenly attack Brazil and WIN. Not really.



Ep. 7. The Taxman Only Knocks Once : I miss teabaggers already.



Ep. 6. Some Weird Russian Crap also known as the infamous "Is London pregnant?" recap, which has ironically produced the most hits to this page since I posted a pic of The Host.



Ep. 5. S-T-U-P-I-D Face Aminat shows off her first grade spelling skills.



Ep. 4. Seriously, Did the Producers Tell Her to Do That? Celia. What the hell?



Ep. 3. The Pink Limo of Doom takes the Girls to the Bus of Ill Repute Pink plaid. The man who painted this limo just shot himself in the head.



Ep. 2. The Changelings Emerge from the Laboratory Makeover. Yay.



Ep. 1. The Cycle Starts : My enslavement to this preferred Wedns night pasttime of almost yuppie girls in their late 20's begins.

*don't even talk to me about chains. LOST.