Top Chef Recap: Finale Part One

Dear Best Friend,

What is the best way to hide a baby bump? I am normally very sexy, but as I get bigger, I'm afraid of wearing my normal clothes.

Yours truly, Knocked Up in Napa

Dear Knocked Up,

Instead of wearing your normal slutty clothes, what you should be wearing is even sluttier clothes. If last night's tv watching taught us anything, it's that pretty girls who are pregnant should wear even less clothing than what got them there in the first place. Try digging out your old cheerleading outfit, or dressing in a really fattening color, like white. It'll be ironic, since you're obviously anything but virginal. Change your hairstyle dramatically. Or, if you're really brave, wear clothing that has been previously only worn by cast members of Resident Evil movies and Blade. People will be so busy wondering where half of your sleeves went, they won't look at your fat little belly at all.

Dear Best Friend,

Which is worse, over-salting goat cheese or feeding a pregnant woman
a raw egg?

Yours truly, Cheated by the Brothers Grimm

Dear Cheated,

Up until last night, I would have said the raw egg thing. Salmonella and all. But apparently over salted goat cheese is really fucking nasty. Also, if you are called on the carpet for this sort of thing, NEVER EVER CONFESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR PERFECT DISH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. If possible, make sure you have some sort of epic story arc, like Cain and Abel, or Lucy and Desi, that will make you indispensable to the editors. Show no weakness. Next time, try hitting on your furry married co-star. It can't hurt.

Dear Best Friend,

What is Michael Chiarello's fucking problem?

Yours truly, California Dreaming

Dear California,

I don't know, but if you could please, as a state, do us the favor of forbidding him from traveling across state lines, I know we'd all be grateful. Please make sure he understands this includes all Top Chef production sets. I suggest also maybe imprisoning him in a wine cave under his beloved valley for all time, with animated grape vines removing his vital organs every 24 hours, until a sous chef should find him and put him out of his misery.
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That is the worst sign ever, you pretentious twats

Last night was anything but poetry for our Fearless Foursome. They were spirited away to Napa Valley, the Den of Easy Virtues. Once there, they came face to face with the soggy pork known as Chef Chiarello, the bastard who stole Top Chef Master title from Hubert, and who had kidnapped their princess and impregnated her with mystical soul sucking grapeseed babies. Their first challenge to was to get on his evil Train of Sustainable Doom, which was obviously a trap. Once imprisoned in the tiny kitchen car, they were forced to cook grapes grapes grapes. These dishes they fed to the Princess, like pomegranates to Persephone, knowing they were powerless to help her. With every bite, her soul turned more and more a deeper shade of khaki beige, with spots of sportscoat navy.

The brave boys managed to escape, but Jennifer oh my Jennifer. Like the Grinch, Chiarello set his evil eye upon her and determined that he would steal her talent for himself. Right then and there, he resolved that she should never win Top Chef. She would come to live with him in his faux Italian villa, while her soul would fester in a cedar barrel, trapped in the cellar with all his other victims. Like Ursula the sea witch and her bottles, see? Ripert he would deal with later.

Their destination was the annual harvest festival, call The Crush because traditionally this is when the indentured Chinese and Mexicans would pass out and drown in the mighty vats. They were forced to race each other through mazes to gather the ashen scraps of a raped countryside, and out of the scraps they must compose the dish to save their lives and careers.

First, the meats. Kevin chose the stoic and silent Cow as his totem, strong and cornfed. But did he cook it long enough? Bryan also used beef, understated and sweet, elegant. But where were his figs? Michael, devious ambitious Michael. Was it any wonder foi gras was his choice? And was it a surprise the stingy bastard didn't put enough in his soup? But Jennifer my Jennifer. Your duck was the prize of the night, the gilded feather in your cap. How ironic that it should also be the seal on your coffin, since Chiarello renewed his vow to bring your star down, once he tasted it's toothsome duckyness. (also, my friends, Kevin, that is what toothsome actually means.)

And the vegetarian dishes? Kevin took a carrot and a radish, said a magic Southern Witch spell over them, and created two pieces of vegetable that tasted like a 5 course meal. Bryan wove a ravioli so fine, the spiders were jealous. Michael put a raw egg in some vegetable stock and fed it to the princess. Maybe, he was trying to put her out of her misery? I think that's giving him too much credit. And Jennifer my Jennifer, it's not your fault that the evil Chiarello switched salts on you, giving you the cursed salt with the very slow melting that was ultimately your downfall. I know he did it. Did you see at judges table, how he immediately knew what had happened, even before you did?

The princess, whose transformation to rogue angel fighter was complete by the second scene, felt a tear on her cheek, and wondered what it was.

In the final level, the heroes faced the Circle of the Black Thorn, and though their armor was shining brightly, the Council nit and picked until the smallest pores and ingrown hairs had been exposed. When the smoke had cleared, Voltron remained united, to fight it out in the final battle. And Jennifer was left to hitch her way back to Philly, and battle Chiarello's minions by herself until she could be reunited with her Master, The Sorcerer Ripert. Who watched the battle from his ivory tower, and plotted revenge for the humiliation of his secret daughter.

Wednesday TV Night:: 1 Down, 1 To Go

America's Next Top Model is Finally Over Folks.

I'll make this recap quick.
First, the producers had the girls reintroduce themselves to the audience. Because there is apparently a large section of viewers who only tune in for the finales of reality shows.
After that sweet trip down made up memory lane, a strange green Hawaiian leprechaun made the girls get lost hiking, by leading down tricky paths that disappeared into volcanic dust when they tried to find them again. Laura tried leaving pineapple pieces, to get them home, but the starving camera crew which has been forced to follow them day and night for months ate them. After hours in the hot sun, the leprechaun told them the secret to getting home before night, which was to film this commercial for mascara. A vampire showed up, and kept trying to psyche them out, cause if they lost they would be left in the wilderness overnight, and this particular vamp had been living on liquid eyeshadow for years. But luckily, the plucky little dyslexic and the snotty east coast liberal managed to do alright with their scripts. Even though the hostage video of them together was OBVIOUSLY a hostage video, I mean, c'mon.

Two interruptions: 1)The best part of this ANTM season has been the fucking Nutella for Breakfast commercials. 2) The CW would like you to go green, and get the "West Bev" look, by wearing incredible expensive vintage clothes. No really, their tip was "wear vintage".

Back to the show. Laura brings up an interesting idea; the milkshake as an emotion. Nigel made fun of her for it, but I think milkshake is a very valid emotion. I can definitely think of times in my life when I've been feeling milkshakey. The editors keep trying to stress the competition throughout, with all the judges talking about "how close it is". Tyra has one on one talks with them, where she's basically like "look how awesome my show is and how lucky these loser girls were and also I'm going to turn them into gingerbread cookies and eat them." Laura talks about how being on ANTM means she's been more successful than the entire rest of her family, and cries some. Nicole sits there and analyzes her competitor's commercial vs. resale value.

Then onto the runway show. Seems the Cash for Clunkers program did more than cause a shortage in used cars, it also caused a shortage in short models. Aw snap. Tyra can't find any petite models at all, anywhere in the world, so she brings back all the kicked off contestants and also Eddie Murphy's daughter? The dresses they wear are ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. Seriously, who is this designer, and somebody please make her live in Canada for a little while, because Hawaii has fucked her brain. Laura is wearing the sequin equivalent of a tramp stamp, and Nicole is dressed in a thrift store prom dress from 1967 dyed pink to clash with her hair. Nicole is so mad about her dress, she stomps down the runway like a Terminator. Tyra calls it her signature walk. I call it her "I don't know how to walk on a runway at all, because we've had zilch practice at it this season, and also I learned to walk last year. " Laura does pretty well. At the end, Laura and Nicole make a porno. Tyra comes backstage after the show to look completely horrified while lying through her teeth about how well they did.

In the end, Nicole won. Duh. But she used her victory for good, as she completely undermined Tyra's whole Tiny Girls Farm theme, and went with this takeaway instead...

"I'm a dork, and I'm America's Next Top Model!"

On Glee
that music teacher tries to persuade Rachel not to like him by singing her THIS SONG. THE MOST PERVERTED SONG ON THE OLDIES STATION THAT I AM SO HAPPY THEY USED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.



Top Chef: Jennifer Versus Eli

I learned about the Bucose D'Or this episode. I suspect most of America learned about it this episode, which explained why the winner of this episode got an invite for the qualifying rounds, because the advisory board finally caught on that unless they get some money for this thing, USA is never gonna get in the finishing three. Apparently, an American competitor has never placed higher than sixth in this "culinary olympics". So obviously its a foolish European thing we can safely ignore.

But this is all not very interesting. The real question of the night was would my top four make it to the finale intact, or would I lose a lot of money on the internet and have to sell my eggs?

For the Quickfire, Padma was joined by an abnormally large dwarf, who challenged the chefs to make a Turducken, only not really, cause that's gross. Jennifer scared me, by making some quip about actually making a turducken. But when Padma tasted her dish, and graced her with a warm "Welcome back Jennifer", I knew all was well. Jenn in fact won the challenge. Take that Eli!

Then everyone talked about how much they loved Eli, and I knew it was in the bag.

Look, I'm sure Eli is really talented. I'm doing him the honor of actually spelling his name right finally, so that should mean something. But he's a baby. And he was ruining my prediction.

So for the Elimination, they hold a fake Bucose D'Or, and Thomas Keller comes and dusts everyone with French Laundry crumbs (which bestow upon the winner every James Beard award ever). Everyone has to make some really technically perfect salmon or lamb dishes, and it looks like everyone kind of failed, but that doesn't stop the guests at the table from congratulating themselves on how great they, the judges, are. After all, it's awfully intimidating to cook for their level of genius right?

All the lamb is undercooked. All the salmon is overcooked. Kevin wins. Eli goes home. And the Voltron brothers spend most of their time trying to convince the audience that they are villains, which sort of works, except Bryan is too nice to ever be a real villain. There should be a sci-fi corollary here. I'm too tired to think of it.

But the time has come. My magic Final Four are off to Napa Valley, and next episode! Stay tuned! Padma in bangs!

Wednesday TV Recap: Leeks are fun!

Oh youth, how confident you are!

ANTM: See, this is why math doesn't matter, girls.

Things I learned tonight from America's Next Top Smurfette.

1) 21 yr olds are actually older than 18 yr olds. No, really. The math girl told me. It's like, a factual thing.

2) One reason it's better to be hot is that you can keep your house in the worst filthy state, and instead of cleaning it and being ashamed, someone will whisk you away to a billion dollar estate in Hawaii.

3) I do not know how to spell Hawaii. I had to spell check a state of my fucking country. Sad.

4) There is such a career path as extreme water sports photographer.

5) In 2 short cycles, Tyra will be taking all the photographs.

6) They have no sun in Kentucky, because the coal smoke and horse farts have blocked it forever. Also, all Kentuckians are mole people.

7) We should all know more about Tibet. "I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed." Someone should have told her Tibet is full of dragons, I bet she would have changed her mind.

8) When a fashion photographer does blackface, it's a controversy. When Tyra does it, it's emboldening, fierceable, and smizening.

9) Every single staff member on that show is a fucking expert on teenage girls. When this show finally dies, they should all go on to write books and be on Oprah.

10) Bye Britany! Remember, philanthropy awaits you in your new career as extremely successful socialite, in about 15 years.

***** I watched about five minutes of Vampire Diaries, because there was no Glee. My boyfriend danced around with some girl in her underwear to a bad cover song meant to evoke debauchery and madness. He then snapped her neck. I watched some Angel.************

Top Chef: Padma, do you know what protein is?

I actually liked the Quickfire this episode. The chefs were asked to create tv dinners based on tv shows, which was fun. No big surprise, Kevin's Italian family style Sopranos dinner won with the Italian chef guest judge. But I thought Bryan's interpretation of M.A.S.H as meatloaf and apple pie was really cute.

The only disturbing part was when Padman mentions TOP CHEF FROZEN DINNERS FROM SCHWAN'S. And then Kevin successfully evoked the idea that these would be like Meals On Wheels, and I think that particular promotion idea fell flat.

But let's move on to the good stuff. So the chefs are told they will be cooking dinners for guests at CraftSteak, Colicchio's almost iconic steakhouse. Yes, you can brand something so well, it becomes iconic. They run into the kitchen like kids at Christmas, shaking all the paper wrapped meaty gold, exclaiming over bits of rump and slices of flank. Then Natalie Portman comes in and kills all their hopes and dreams.

Ely mistakenly says the most important thing Natalie has ever done is be in Star Wars, because that's the most important thing anyone can do. I disagree. This is the most important thing Natalie has ever done:



Let's just examine the following moments:

Kevin - "Every Lent my wife and I go vegetarian as penance" - not an exact quote. I couldn't remember the exact words cause I was screaming "No Kevin! Not Lent!" at the TV, as my crush withered and died. Or at least was left gasping for air.

Eli - feels pity for vegetarians. Cause it's a disability they are forced to live with. PETA, where are you?

Mike Douche - "I'll cook anything. I'll cook goats." What?

Padma, talking about garlic blossoms- "It's like a little prick on my tongue."
Tom - "it went from a little prick to a big taste in your mouth."
All of Natalie's very lucky friends - died from the sheer wonder of being there, and swearing to themselves they will be friends with her forever.

Natalie, on being in love with Voltron Jr. - "who is his dealer, and does he want more clients?"

Also Gail, Leighton Meester wants her Emmy dress back, and is very mad you died it green.

So in the end, Mike Douche had the poetic justice of being sent home before Robin. One can only hope Ely suffers the same fate. Kevin won, again. I was less than thrilled, you Catholic. No, it's true, I still love your chubby little ginger face. But please don't ever tell me anything like that again.

Next week: Is Jennifer the new Erin (from ANTM), and what advice would Tyra give her about self-sabotaging? Maybe we should get her some Autotune?

Wednesday TV Recap: Hey Everybody, Laura is Dyslexic!

Okay, so you see that face I'm making in my profile picture. I keep thinking about changing it, cause I look at it and I'm like, gee that's a weird face. Why do I want people to think I'm a Yugoslavian witch who thinks they have bad taste in music?

Well, it turns out that is the face I make when it's one in the morning, and I've gotten a little messed up, and watched a bunch of reality TV I was not in the mood for tonight. Loopy, exhausted, alternately hopeless and high from snarkiness.

Tonight I corralled poor Gracie, the cat that has been living outside The Ex's building for the last summer. The neighbors that just moved from there, C and M, had started feeding her, cause she kept coming around and was so freaking friendly and small and sweet. And pregnant. Then she had the kitten, and brought it to the porch to give it to them, and the new neighbors ended up taking the kitten, but of course they didn't want two cats. So Gracie is still on the porch, and I've been feeding her and trying to figure out what to do with her. I sorta feel like when an animal adopts you, you have to take care of them. I also realize that is the attitude that will get me fifteen cats and a very unhappy life. The Ex has sort of thought about taking her, but really doesn't want a second cat, and it doesn't help that his existing cat kinda hates Gracie now. So adorable wonderful Gracie is at the moment in his bathroom, while I try to figure out what to do with her after I take her to the APL to get fixed.

Right, so that's my night. I was not in the mood to watch ANTM or even Top Chef. I even thought to myself, I should just watch Glee and go to bed at 10 and maybe stop watching tv altogether. Of course, it's 1am, so we can see how that turned out.

So since I've watched them, lets talk about them. But keep in mind I watched the Angel episode where Connor and Holtz are sucked into the hell dimension while Wesley bleeds out from his throat in a park all alone, right before I sat down to this computer. So we'll see.

America's Next Top Model: The Disappearing Girl

Let's think of some current models who are "double or triple threats".

I can only mostly think of old ones: Heidi, Cindy, Brooke.
Because being a host on a show or an actress is something models do either when they get so successful they can't breathe, or when they fail at being a model. That being said, Jennifer, you should really practices doing interviews on weird people like Ant and that girl from 90210. I think that is a very good place for you to head to, and nobody will give two shits about your tiny eyelid flaw. You're only going to be on this show for another episode, maybe two. Tell your agent to get started now.

I don't understand why we're speeding up the challenges like this. Last week, go sees, and this week, the dread CoverGirl commercial? Which is usually reserved for the last 4 girls. First there was the interview challenge, where you got to actually see the platform the muppet actors stand behind while filming, so that was kind of cool. Though I was never one of those kids who needed that explained. Poor Laura, who can't read certain things because she's dyslexic, and I like her so no need to make fun there, Laura had to read things off a teleprompter which had to suck hardcore. But then *twist* they cut off the prompter, and she kinda sucked then too. Jennifer was the only one who nailed this.

Then time to truck out the CoverGirl zombie winner from last season. I sometimes wonder if the new girls, meeting a Bree or a Teyonna, second guess themselves. "Hmm, maybe I should have just tried to make it on my own, I could have been slutty enough. Maybe this isn't worth it." Nah, of course they don't. Everybody loves CoverGirl right? right? Cause it's Exacting New Lash Volume Glimmer Plumping time darlings. Teyonna is being kept alive on Stay True Highlights, sparkling water, and fashion columnist blood.

Jennifer and Nicole both do very well in the commercial, considering the wreckage that has been past years. Laura can't read, so, you know, duh. Erin literally has a temper tantrum in front of Nigel. 4 times. He's probably fucking his wife thinking about it right now. Anyway, Erin's commercial is basically a heroin addict trying to get money from her folks. It's the saddest Cover Girl commercial in history. She even looks like she's crying in it, cause she is! They should use it.

During elimination, Tyra says something about "1+1=3" to Britany, who shuts down right there. It's over for her. I don't blame her, after all, not only is it not true, it didn't make any sense cause they were pushing a trio of CG products. So how does three products translate to 1+1=3 in Tyra's head? Math Girl With an Actual Career Ahead of Her has had enough. Nicole looked super cute in her glasses and indie pop singer outfit. Erin channeled Marie Antoinette. And maybe it was my tv, but when Tyra got down to the last two girls, did her voice get all echoey and auto tuney? Very epic, with creepy soundtrack music behind it.

Then Rae went home. Wait, who?

Top Chef Las Vegas: I'm warning you Bravo, I will throw something at the TV

So the rule in horror movies, I've been told, is that the slutty girl who loses her virginity,or has sex, or does something otherwise Eve in the Garden like, will be killed first. Do I have that right? I think one of the Bravo editors decided to add some layers, and showed Jennifer in her bikini on purpose in the beginning for that very effect. It's a theory.

But then what to make of the sweet little Voltron brother rivalry?Mike V. was the edit baby this week, and we got to all learn about what an asshole he is, as a setup for his ultimate redemption right?

First, there's this Tag-Off cooking thing, and like Kevin said, this is the most ridiculous Quickfire ever. So let's just move past it.

Restaurant Wars. Everybody's favorite challenge except for me. Cause I could care less about your decorating skills, or your front of the house skills. This challenge is painful for me to watch, because it's going to get fucked up no matter what. Always. And how the hell do I get myself invited to be one of the guests for this thing? Is there a drawing I can enter, a mailing list? Do I have to go suck up to a bunch of food bloggers? I'll do anything.

Thankfully, they got rid of that decor shit this year. I'm not watching Top Design Star after all. For a reason. This year it's really simple; create a menu, cook it, serve a bunch of people.

The Voltron brothers are paired with Robin and Ely, and still win. Because together, they are Voltron. Mike is kind of an asshole, but gets his big twist by winning 10,000 and then offering to split it with the team. Cause, you know, he's got a heart of gold and platinum and diamond transistors. Bryan is calm. Brian is calm. Brian is calm. Ely keeps his cool around Robin by completely avoiding her as much as he can, and does an okay front of the house. Not great, he could have tucked his shirt in.

But at least he didn't look like a bitter serving wench in some East German bar circa 1974. Laurine didn't even tell the judges what they were eating, just dumped the slop down in front of them and left. Who the fuck does that? The rest of her team, Jennifer, Kevin, and Mike Douche, do a really good job of fucking up on top of that. And Jennifer, I'm personally mad at you for that. How could you have allowed the judges to make me think, believe, feel if even for an instant, that you might be sent home? Do you know what that would have done to me? I might have even stopped watching!

I let out an audible sigh when Laurine was sent packing instead. I felt embarrassed for myself.

And the episode ended with the Voltron brothers going back and forth. "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad" "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad, I'm happy." "You're mad." "I'm not mad."
Which is how the ship found them, centuries later, sitting in the rubble, their cold fusion hearts stuck in an eternal dialogue. The tattoos had faded from the elements, but the unwrinkled brows remained unchanged, with a glimmer of gold from their Exacting Highlights Natural Human Makeup, shade #3.



Note: looks like Natalie Portman is pulling a Zooey Deschanel next week. I hate that I live in a world where I can say that, and it has meaning for you.

Top Chef Recap: Jennifer, My Jennifer

Alright, before I start babbling inanities about a tv show whose contestants have more talent in their paring knives then I have in my entire arsenal, let me babble a couple extra ones:

1. I did not want to start chronicling a goddamn tv show again. I remember how painful that Top Model cycle was. I recognize I am merely setting myself up for disappointment in the show and in myself. I can't stop myself. I like writing mean things about these people. I really really do.

2. I watched Glee before Top Chef came on, and it was awesome in a way that really draws in the old community theater side of me. I think because I despise that lead choir girl SO MUCH, it's actually cathartic. Then, a show choir doing a snazzy rendition of Winehouse's "Rehab". Then, a teacher blackmailing a student with weed. THEN Journey sang over and over and over. And the nervous guidance counselor looks like a cartoon squirrel! I'm going to have to get DVR finally, because then Lost is going to premier, and it will be the same time slot, and there was this dinner club thing I wanted to get into, and dancing? Oh Wednesdays. I don't know if I was actually born on a Wednesday, but I always liked you best in that rhyme "Wednesdays child is full of woe". Totally.

3. I made pot roast last night in the truest most orphan sense of the word. Like, I bought the cheapest meat I could, I filled a crockpot with split peas, meat, salt, pepper, and water. And I cooked it overnight. In the morning, the meat was great. The rest of the pot though contained what can only really be labelled porridge. Or mush? It was exactly what you would feed to destitute pickpockets if you owned a juvenile prison work camp in 19th century London.
I haven't thrown it out yet.

Okay, on to the topic at hand. How much does Jennifer rock on Top Chef? I mean, how obvious is it that they should give her the money right now? Last night was exhilarating, watching her run the kitchen and put tape on everything? They would have NEVER gotten anything done if it was not for her.

But first, Quickfire. Michael PEEL, who used to PEEL potatoes in some famous guy's kitchen, introduces the POTATO as the subject. The ultimate poor people food. I mean, I guess you can also make an argument for rice, but aren't they the same thing, really? They're filler. Sticky starchy stuff you can pile into your stomach to not notice you're only getting a tablespoon of goat or lamb or whatever. I was impressed by the variety of the potatoes they gave them. I mean, who's heard of a Russian Banana Fingerling before? It sounds like a sex act. Also, it seems sort of racist if you think about it. My great grandmother got off the boat in America, and tried to eat her first banana with the PEEL on. One can imagine an Allied soldier making some quip about Russians being so stupid they eat a potato raw like a banana. Or something. It's a valid theory.

So then everyone makes something with sweet potatoes, cause no one likes regular potatoes anyway unless they're fried. And Jennifer wins. And then leans over and sucks Ash's brains out like a fried prawn.

After that, everyone has little breakdowns. Jesse hits herself in the head with a water bottle, not understanding how to properly rehydrate herself. She almost gets it, it's near her head, but not quite. They get the next challenge, and Michael I. (who is quite possibly the biggest hanger on in the entire history of this competition) comes up with a strategy where he can pair himself with someone better. Like he has been doing his entire life. In the smartest decision of the night, they decide to hand the executive chef position to Jennifer since she has immunity. Jennifer humbly accepts, though quite frankly I thought it was kind of sucker for her since she didn't get to actually cook anything and thus stood no chance of winning. Plus then she didn't even let anyone throw themselves under the bus through their own stupidity, like she very well could have. Because she has PRIDE. Robots don't let humans fuck up.

In one of the strangest moments on Bravo ever, we discover the reason Preethi became a chef is because of 9/11? Apparently, the Twin Towers came down and she had an awakening that she need to cook eggplant for the rest of her life. I feel like she probably got a little screwed by the editing there. Maybe not.

So they cook a bunch of food for some Airforce guys and everyone cries just a little, and is overwhelmed and such. Michael V. has a fantastic idea to hand everyone fried slabs of bacon in a lettuce leaf, and he wins. I hope no one ever discovers that human belly is that good fried and smoked. No really. I hope that never happens.

Everything comes off almost seamlessly, because Jennifer puts the smackdown on the mortals.

Then comes one of the meanest eliminations I've ever seen on Top Chef. Which is not saying a lot, Tom is no Simon Cowell. But Mike I. gets all red like the shrimp he undercooked, and all blustery and blah blah blah. Preethi and Laurine cower like guilty little liars in church, knowing if they both say nothing, neither can get in trouble. But it fails. Preethi goes home, and Mike I. lives to suck Mike V.'s dick some more. Beta Male.

I've been formulating some theories about what might have gone down between Mike V. and Bryan V. 1) Mike slept with Bryan's girlfriend. 2)Bryan's wife hates Mike and Mike knows it. 3)Mike lived with mom and Bryan lived with dad. Maybe other way around. 4) Mike did some coke for a few months when he first moved to Vegas, and Bryan found out about it, and got Mike fired from his first restaurant job as a lesson to him.

Top Chef Las Vegas: Hey Las Vegas, stop whining about how nobody acknowledges you as a dining scene. F-ing sick of that.

So I’m not gonna lie. Last week I watched the Top Chef Masters Finale, and then didn’t stick around for the premiere of Top Chef Las Vegas. There were extenuating circumstances. For instance, I was pissed at Hubert Keller not winning. And I didn’t like that blue dress Padma was wearing in the promos. Also, the first episode of every Top Chef season is the throw away episode. There are too many contestants, and some of them are real jerks, and nobody looks good by the end. After watching Bayless, Keller, and that Italian guy throw down, I wasn’t in the mood for botched scallops.

This week, thanks to the endless generosity of cable, the premiere was replayed and I watched the end. It was exactly as annoying as I thought it would be. There’s always that one really dreadful chef that just sticks out beyond the rest of the curds, and they get sent home, and then everyone prepares to buckle down. This time it was Seitan girl, forever known now as Seitan girl, which is gross. It makes me think of a really disgusting Japanese version of a sex doll.

We all knew Eve was going home this week. What was she doing there? She kept making these hapless loosie goosie faces, and cooking unappealing dated things. I’m sure she is a very nice girl. But nobody, except Jesse, was worried last night. Jesse is always worried. She needs to stop cooking chicken.

But maybe she just isn’t cut out to deal with this crowd, because it’s a very good crowd. I mean, there’s like 20, 25 James Beard nominees? And Jennifer, the dark blonde horse. My theory about Jennifer is that she’s the secret love child of Eric Ripert, and has worked her way up through his restaurants anonymously, to prove to her father she can make it on her own. She’s the seafood queen, but for realsies, not in that fake boasting way that one contestant always claims early on. Remember that guy? Who couldn’t skin an eel? Maybe Jennifer sold her soul to a talking Halibut. I'm not convinced that's not a Ripert family legacy anyway, talking halibuts, wish granting, inability to move your forehead muscles.

So Jennifer is one of my favorites. MIT Kevin, the relevant part of the Pickle Brothers, is next. I don’t understand that nickname, but it’s catchy and reminds me of Richard Scarey. I like Romulus and Remus, otherwise known as Brian and Michael, (otherwise known as “something dramatic and secret has happened to drive these two brothers apart, into distant cities, each striving against the dark shadows from their childhood through the art of food, one destined to kill the other in a distant future”). And finally, I have great hopes for Mattin, the small country mouse whose only dream is to work in the kitchens of the great Parisian chefs, and also to defeat the army of evil rats, and marry the princess.

I am a little disappointed that the cream rose to the top so fast this season (see the credit I'm giving myself?). But I appreciate the twists the producers have added, to bring out more bloodshed. The 15,000 dollar quick fires for example. Should be some good crying over medical bills and family obligations thanks to that shit. I guess they needed more incentive to bring in the better chefs? Also Gail’s new laser eyes are awesome.

Till Next Week.