Wednesday Night is Shout At the TV Night: ANTM is a morality tale y'all, pay attention!

Okay so first of all, I have a bone to pick with someone. I don't know who, but I would have expected at least one of you to point out to me that my boyfriend from Rules of Attraction is on Vampire Diaries. That guy's so hot, I can't even think of him in a sexual way. So maybe he's not hot, he's just heart-breakingly mind numbingly beautiful.I'm somewhat disturbed by a few trailer scenes where he looks suspiciously like Rob Lowe. But I guess I'm also disturbed by my ability to find Rob Lowe cute. *shudders*

I really just want to jump into Top Chef, because I have something I want to scream to the rooftops. But if we abandon chronology, don't we taint the whole experience? On ANTM tonight, Wilhemina put the smackdown, scheduling the go-sees way early, with 8 girls, instead of 4. It felt wrong. It felt mean. Then, to rub salt in the wound, they made a bunch of out of town short girls get in a car and drive around Los Angeles. It was as if Wilhemina was trying actively to get someone killed, barely holding back their impatience to sing their phantom fangs into new young flesh.

The only couple worth watching were the Golden Girls, Laura and Nicole. As promised, Laura's photo shoot last week opened her up like an apple flower, pretty, cute, but not fragile. Hey, let's make fun of Laura's accent! No problem, she'll just draw her vowels out longer and oh, she'll get called edgy for the first time in her life, and feel the first tendrils of success and confidence start to surround her, like warm veins. And Nicole, standing tall and red, charms everyone with her book club aloofness, her second string volleyball team awkwardness. The other girls start to wither and die in their barely gilt exuberance, becoming dirty shadows in the background as their smack talk becomes the chattering of those they left behind.

Nicole wins the go-see challenge handily, and tries out her new expensive wardrobe, starting to appreciate the particular softness of really expensive clothes. Erin starts to say something about favoritism, and Nicole answers from within the depths of her straining soul, "no, I earned this."

Kara talks a bunch of shit, but it's kinda sad, because you realize she's not really good at it, and then you just want her to stop and just go cry in the corner some where the cameras can't see her. At one point she says Nicole has the social graces of a fetus, and I kinda want to write her a letter on behalf of fetuses everywhere.

Then Jay Manuel, apparently recreating every Top Model fantasy he's ever had in the last 12 cycles, dresses the girls up like Street Fighter characters and puts them in wire harnesses. No fighting each other, which is too bad. Anyone else want to offer an opinion on why Laura was the only one not to choose a sword? I mean, it was a toss up, but I think Laura maybe was better than Nicole. Kara fell apart, and took pictures like a wooden doll, or a five year old. Then she gets sent home, and I wonder where Sundai will gravitate next? She's like the golden apple rolling among goddess sandals.

On Glee, music numbers weren't so hot. There was one funny line, but I can't remember what it was. Eh.

Okay, I was good, I waited. BUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS PADMA WEARING? I'm serious. I remember trying to sew clothes for my Barbie when I was 8, and I kinda feel like someone in the wardrobe department is doing that to Padma. Fringe and giant white pleather gold belt. Oh god. And that suit in the second half? Like she was a Korean missionary's wife in cast-offs.

(listening to the Decemberists makes me remember that no one will ever love me because I don't have green eyes.)

Okay, so it was Ely's turn around the editing table. We learn that all his problems with Robin stem from his passive aggressive relationship with his Jewish mother. Who he still lives with. There's a Quickfire that is less than memorable. Jennifer is all freaked out because she overcooks her pork chops, whatever lady, relax, I love you more than I ever did Stephanie. Kevin says something about being inspired by green bean casserole, which sounds horrible, and then it turns out his idea of inspiration is ACTUAL inspiration, because the dish bears no resemblance to that. He's so good. I mean, all four of them, Kevin, Jennifer, the Voltron brothers. They are just really fucking talented. I wish I could just watch them in their own show, competing against each other for eternity. Freeze them how they are now, in the glow of their youth and skill.

Some guy named Charles Palmer shows up, looking like either a mortgage banker or a cattle rancher. He likes to shoot boars and then leave them like presents for his chefs in his super nice restaurant, from which the Voltron Brothers sprung fully formed. He has the worst word pairing ever, and he's decided to use it as the name for his annual fundraiser " Pigs and Pinot". I hate that. On multiple repulsive levels. I hate that it's cute. I hate that it makes think of wine spilling like blood from a gutted animal. I hate that it makes me smell stained polo shirts and greasy chins. I hate listening to people talk about pinot.

Here are some words used by the chefs tonight to describe their pinot choices: cherry, vanilla, cola, hibiscus, root beer, citrus. So basically it sounds like pinot noir is the Dr. Pepper of wines.

The challenge is to get assigned a pig part, and then pair your dish with a pinot, and serve it at a tasting populated by what you imagine populates every wine tasting EVER. Ely gets to wax pretentious about wine. Ash does what Ash knows he shouldn't do, and takes a dish suggestion from Mike Douche. Who makes a chilled pork loin, first of all. That sounds disgusting, the very words remind me of chicken salad. It leaves the same taste in my mind. Laurine makes something that the woman from Food and Wine describes as "cat food". Robin sucks, like always.

But it's Ash's chilled pork loin that gets him sent home, doomed by Padma's famous phrase "Did you taste your dish?" I swear, they should make that the new Top Chef tagline.

Oh, and winner's circle? Guess.

Wait, did I forget to mention where Mike V makes fun of Ely for his constant shit talking of Robin by adding "and then he slept with her" to everything? That was fantastic. Ely is like, 12.

And Mike Douche has an eyeball tattooed on his hand? Presumably so he can get a closer view of himself...nevermind, that's inappropriate.