Top Chef Recap: Jennifer, My Jennifer

Alright, before I start babbling inanities about a tv show whose contestants have more talent in their paring knives then I have in my entire arsenal, let me babble a couple extra ones:

1. I did not want to start chronicling a goddamn tv show again. I remember how painful that Top Model cycle was. I recognize I am merely setting myself up for disappointment in the show and in myself. I can't stop myself. I like writing mean things about these people. I really really do.

2. I watched Glee before Top Chef came on, and it was awesome in a way that really draws in the old community theater side of me. I think because I despise that lead choir girl SO MUCH, it's actually cathartic. Then, a show choir doing a snazzy rendition of Winehouse's "Rehab". Then, a teacher blackmailing a student with weed. THEN Journey sang over and over and over. And the nervous guidance counselor looks like a cartoon squirrel! I'm going to have to get DVR finally, because then Lost is going to premier, and it will be the same time slot, and there was this dinner club thing I wanted to get into, and dancing? Oh Wednesdays. I don't know if I was actually born on a Wednesday, but I always liked you best in that rhyme "Wednesdays child is full of woe". Totally.

3. I made pot roast last night in the truest most orphan sense of the word. Like, I bought the cheapest meat I could, I filled a crockpot with split peas, meat, salt, pepper, and water. And I cooked it overnight. In the morning, the meat was great. The rest of the pot though contained what can only really be labelled porridge. Or mush? It was exactly what you would feed to destitute pickpockets if you owned a juvenile prison work camp in 19th century London.
I haven't thrown it out yet.

Okay, on to the topic at hand. How much does Jennifer rock on Top Chef? I mean, how obvious is it that they should give her the money right now? Last night was exhilarating, watching her run the kitchen and put tape on everything? They would have NEVER gotten anything done if it was not for her.

But first, Quickfire. Michael PEEL, who used to PEEL potatoes in some famous guy's kitchen, introduces the POTATO as the subject. The ultimate poor people food. I mean, I guess you can also make an argument for rice, but aren't they the same thing, really? They're filler. Sticky starchy stuff you can pile into your stomach to not notice you're only getting a tablespoon of goat or lamb or whatever. I was impressed by the variety of the potatoes they gave them. I mean, who's heard of a Russian Banana Fingerling before? It sounds like a sex act. Also, it seems sort of racist if you think about it. My great grandmother got off the boat in America, and tried to eat her first banana with the PEEL on. One can imagine an Allied soldier making some quip about Russians being so stupid they eat a potato raw like a banana. Or something. It's a valid theory.

So then everyone makes something with sweet potatoes, cause no one likes regular potatoes anyway unless they're fried. And Jennifer wins. And then leans over and sucks Ash's brains out like a fried prawn.

After that, everyone has little breakdowns. Jesse hits herself in the head with a water bottle, not understanding how to properly rehydrate herself. She almost gets it, it's near her head, but not quite. They get the next challenge, and Michael I. (who is quite possibly the biggest hanger on in the entire history of this competition) comes up with a strategy where he can pair himself with someone better. Like he has been doing his entire life. In the smartest decision of the night, they decide to hand the executive chef position to Jennifer since she has immunity. Jennifer humbly accepts, though quite frankly I thought it was kind of sucker for her since she didn't get to actually cook anything and thus stood no chance of winning. Plus then she didn't even let anyone throw themselves under the bus through their own stupidity, like she very well could have. Because she has PRIDE. Robots don't let humans fuck up.

In one of the strangest moments on Bravo ever, we discover the reason Preethi became a chef is because of 9/11? Apparently, the Twin Towers came down and she had an awakening that she need to cook eggplant for the rest of her life. I feel like she probably got a little screwed by the editing there. Maybe not.

So they cook a bunch of food for some Airforce guys and everyone cries just a little, and is overwhelmed and such. Michael V. has a fantastic idea to hand everyone fried slabs of bacon in a lettuce leaf, and he wins. I hope no one ever discovers that human belly is that good fried and smoked. No really. I hope that never happens.

Everything comes off almost seamlessly, because Jennifer puts the smackdown on the mortals.

Then comes one of the meanest eliminations I've ever seen on Top Chef. Which is not saying a lot, Tom is no Simon Cowell. But Mike I. gets all red like the shrimp he undercooked, and all blustery and blah blah blah. Preethi and Laurine cower like guilty little liars in church, knowing if they both say nothing, neither can get in trouble. But it fails. Preethi goes home, and Mike I. lives to suck Mike V.'s dick some more. Beta Male.

I've been formulating some theories about what might have gone down between Mike V. and Bryan V. 1) Mike slept with Bryan's girlfriend. 2)Bryan's wife hates Mike and Mike knows it. 3)Mike lived with mom and Bryan lived with dad. Maybe other way around. 4) Mike did some coke for a few months when he first moved to Vegas, and Bryan found out about it, and got Mike fired from his first restaurant job as a lesson to him.