Wednesday TV Night:: 1 Down, 1 To Go

America's Next Top Model is Finally Over Folks.

I'll make this recap quick.
First, the producers had the girls reintroduce themselves to the audience. Because there is apparently a large section of viewers who only tune in for the finales of reality shows.
After that sweet trip down made up memory lane, a strange green Hawaiian leprechaun made the girls get lost hiking, by leading down tricky paths that disappeared into volcanic dust when they tried to find them again. Laura tried leaving pineapple pieces, to get them home, but the starving camera crew which has been forced to follow them day and night for months ate them. After hours in the hot sun, the leprechaun told them the secret to getting home before night, which was to film this commercial for mascara. A vampire showed up, and kept trying to psyche them out, cause if they lost they would be left in the wilderness overnight, and this particular vamp had been living on liquid eyeshadow for years. But luckily, the plucky little dyslexic and the snotty east coast liberal managed to do alright with their scripts. Even though the hostage video of them together was OBVIOUSLY a hostage video, I mean, c'mon.

Two interruptions: 1)The best part of this ANTM season has been the fucking Nutella for Breakfast commercials. 2) The CW would like you to go green, and get the "West Bev" look, by wearing incredible expensive vintage clothes. No really, their tip was "wear vintage".

Back to the show. Laura brings up an interesting idea; the milkshake as an emotion. Nigel made fun of her for it, but I think milkshake is a very valid emotion. I can definitely think of times in my life when I've been feeling milkshakey. The editors keep trying to stress the competition throughout, with all the judges talking about "how close it is". Tyra has one on one talks with them, where she's basically like "look how awesome my show is and how lucky these loser girls were and also I'm going to turn them into gingerbread cookies and eat them." Laura talks about how being on ANTM means she's been more successful than the entire rest of her family, and cries some. Nicole sits there and analyzes her competitor's commercial vs. resale value.

Then onto the runway show. Seems the Cash for Clunkers program did more than cause a shortage in used cars, it also caused a shortage in short models. Aw snap. Tyra can't find any petite models at all, anywhere in the world, so she brings back all the kicked off contestants and also Eddie Murphy's daughter? The dresses they wear are ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. Seriously, who is this designer, and somebody please make her live in Canada for a little while, because Hawaii has fucked her brain. Laura is wearing the sequin equivalent of a tramp stamp, and Nicole is dressed in a thrift store prom dress from 1967 dyed pink to clash with her hair. Nicole is so mad about her dress, she stomps down the runway like a Terminator. Tyra calls it her signature walk. I call it her "I don't know how to walk on a runway at all, because we've had zilch practice at it this season, and also I learned to walk last year. " Laura does pretty well. At the end, Laura and Nicole make a porno. Tyra comes backstage after the show to look completely horrified while lying through her teeth about how well they did.

In the end, Nicole won. Duh. But she used her victory for good, as she completely undermined Tyra's whole Tiny Girls Farm theme, and went with this takeaway instead...

"I'm a dork, and I'm America's Next Top Model!"

On Glee
that music teacher tries to persuade Rachel not to like him by singing her THIS SONG. THE MOST PERVERTED SONG ON THE OLDIES STATION THAT I AM SO HAPPY THEY USED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.



Top Chef: Jennifer Versus Eli

I learned about the Bucose D'Or this episode. I suspect most of America learned about it this episode, which explained why the winner of this episode got an invite for the qualifying rounds, because the advisory board finally caught on that unless they get some money for this thing, USA is never gonna get in the finishing three. Apparently, an American competitor has never placed higher than sixth in this "culinary olympics". So obviously its a foolish European thing we can safely ignore.

But this is all not very interesting. The real question of the night was would my top four make it to the finale intact, or would I lose a lot of money on the internet and have to sell my eggs?

For the Quickfire, Padma was joined by an abnormally large dwarf, who challenged the chefs to make a Turducken, only not really, cause that's gross. Jennifer scared me, by making some quip about actually making a turducken. But when Padma tasted her dish, and graced her with a warm "Welcome back Jennifer", I knew all was well. Jenn in fact won the challenge. Take that Eli!

Then everyone talked about how much they loved Eli, and I knew it was in the bag.

Look, I'm sure Eli is really talented. I'm doing him the honor of actually spelling his name right finally, so that should mean something. But he's a baby. And he was ruining my prediction.

So for the Elimination, they hold a fake Bucose D'Or, and Thomas Keller comes and dusts everyone with French Laundry crumbs (which bestow upon the winner every James Beard award ever). Everyone has to make some really technically perfect salmon or lamb dishes, and it looks like everyone kind of failed, but that doesn't stop the guests at the table from congratulating themselves on how great they, the judges, are. After all, it's awfully intimidating to cook for their level of genius right?

All the lamb is undercooked. All the salmon is overcooked. Kevin wins. Eli goes home. And the Voltron brothers spend most of their time trying to convince the audience that they are villains, which sort of works, except Bryan is too nice to ever be a real villain. There should be a sci-fi corollary here. I'm too tired to think of it.

But the time has come. My magic Final Four are off to Napa Valley, and next episode! Stay tuned! Padma in bangs!