Wednesday TV Sometimes Makes Me Cry: Top Chef, Top Model, TBL

Alright, so I missed the first few minutes of America's Next Top Model, and apparently those were the MOST IMPORTANT MINUTES OF THE SEASON. 'Cause Bambi got sent home? For being personality deficient? I have to believe there is some other reason they won't tell us, like she's a Cuban terrorist or used to be a figure skater, because I don't see Wilhemina kicking off a girl in the second episode just because she can't interview well. That's something usually reserved for the last couple episodes. But maybe Wilhemina is bringing the smackdown. Maybe they're out to show that they're not some wussie Ford company, and they are running the show, not Tyra and Lauren.

Speaking of, how did I miss that Lauren Conrad is now a judge? And not such a bad one as all that, though I question her credentials, but who doesn't? Her entire schtick is "look at me being paid to do something I'm entirely unqualified to do." It's kind of sweet.

So then there's weird awkward scene where Tyra coins her new term "Smies" and comes out dressed in the most boring superhero costume ever. I mean, Tyra gets a chance to dress up and that's all we get? She then makes the girls dress up like Pink Trons, play DDR, and some creepy supercomputer judges the curvature of their eyes. That computer is dangerous. We should kill it.
Oh, and the DDR arcade is called the Fortress of Fierceness.

The girls are all sold off to be jockeys, cause short girls can't get modelling jobs. And they are forced by their new Brazilian midget overlords to take off their shirts and pose in wigs. I don't understand why, if Tyra wants the focus on their eyes, she would pose them naked with horses. The best part was when Norm the Jockey told one of the girls, clutched behind him topless and terrified, to "relax girl".

Mena Suvari won. Bianca almost got sent home for being a whiner, but instead they kicked off the cripple, because she quit, and nobody is more reviled than a cripple who quits.

Then that new vampire show, the one about the models, premiered. I don't know why they made this show, except maybe to prove Mischa isn't anorexic, since she's the fattest person in that cast. And none of the vampires bite people, or do soul searching, or fight demons, or anything. They just go out a lot at night and don't eat anything.

Oh Top Chef. The world constantly reminds me how perfect you are. For the quickfire, the viewers got to vote for a secret ingredient, and it was between cactus, snake, and kangaroo. I have no idea why mealworm wasn't on that list, but cactus won. Lonesome Dove Tim Love tortured the chefs with condescending cactus knowledge and bad western shirts. Kevin made a cactus marmalade! Ashley made a cactus jelly donut! Maybe Ashley doesn't completely suck!Mike I. (the douchebaggy one) won the 15, 000, and promptly spent it on Ed Hardy and sad older hookers.

For the Elimination, they dumped the chefs in the middle of the badlands and ordered them to cook food with only the bare essentials. Which were 12 grill pits, a mountain of cast iron, piles of plates, a full bar, a smoker. One of my friends watching it with me remarked "that's so much better than my kitchen already."But first they had to sleep in special tents all night and talk about how much they loved or hated camping, something so important to whether or not you deserve to win this show. Mike I. talked about how scared he was of cougars (we all know THATS not true), and the Haitian did some of that old black magic to keep out snakes, then sat by his tent all night calling down the spirits to defeat these colonial bastards.

Ever notice how sometimes Mattin sounds like Borat when he talks? Or that priest from the Princess Bride? I'mfwomtheBasquecounwy, soIknoweweything.

Poor little Church Mouse decided to make ceviche outside in the desert. In fact, an absurd number of people decided to make fish? And no one made steak. On a ranch. For ranchers. Where was Casey when we needed her? Mattin's ceviche was so bad, Tom threw it out. Robin's prawns were made of solid cakes of urinal chlorine. Everyone else was kind of boring, and then Bryan won because he made something kind of resembling steak. Mattin got sent home, and no one was surprised. We're just waiting for the rest of the cannon fodder to book it, so we can get down to a real competition here.