Dude, that hamster is gone.

Why do I drink so much? Be honest.

I don't know why you in particular drink so much, but it probably falls under one of four cliches:

a) You are insecure and unhappy, and drinking makes you feel like people like you, which is true only if they are drunk as well.

b) You are insecure and unhappy, and you hate your life and wish you had the balls to actually eschew your responsibilities and end up in a gutter somewhere, but you're a chickenshit who's afraid of disappointing someone, though you can't quite pinpoint who, since no one loves you.

c) You are an asshole who thinks going out to bars all the time makes you an interesting person, which is funny, since you drink as much as you do because you are so fucking bored by going to bars all the time.

d) You recognize the fact that people are mostly unbearable and ugly, so you drink in order to tolerate having a love life.

I personally drink as much as I do because the doctors told me if I didn't? My heart would stop working. Also my vagina.

an email from one of our customers in Mexico had a quote under the email signature that read: "Todo Materiales es territorio..." (material is territory?) what is he trying to tell me?

To keep your hands off his pudding cup. Also, he may have pissed on it.

How soon should I give up on my hamster ever returning and just buy a new one?

If this is who I think it is, I'm very disappointed in you. You've only had that damn hamster for like a month.

Well look, hamsters aren't like cats or dogs. they don't "return". You either catch the fucker, or you go to the store and buy another one that looks just like it, and pray to whoever you believe in that the little rat isn't pregnant. Also, they are all pregnant. All the time. Your former hamster is probably popping out babies under your couch as we speak. The good news is, she's also eating them.

See, your hamster doesn't love you. It doesn't even feel loyalty to you as the Grand Bringer of Food. Your hamster may, in it's little tiny hamster neuron paths, see you as some sort of Force of Nature that blows thru, dumping seeds and occasionally scaring the crap pellets out of it, But even that is probably giving rodents too much credit. We're always looking to humanize mice, and I'm not sure why. There's so many children's books with mice as these anthropomorphic mutants who wear clothes and go on adventures. There's Mickey Mouse, who now that I think about it, has really waned in popularity recently. Dare I declare his unofficial death? Someone at Disney probably dropped him, and he ran under the bookshelf, and they're waiting for him to come home. Mickey's gone guys. He is off making babies to eat.

I used to have a gerbil named Mickey when I was a little girl. He was fat and brown, and he had a live in boyfriend I named Pembrook, after some anthropomorphous mouse character in a book I read who's hobby was manufacturing Dandelion Wine and hanging out in Times Square. I may have confused it with a biography of Dylan. So Mickey lived a fuck long time. Like at least 6 years. He was really ancient when my cat finally got to him, like going gray even, and who ever sees a gerbil live that long? They lived in an aquarium set up on a nightstand in my bedroom, and how the cat got to them is a mystery, since the aquarium base took up the exact table space, leaving no room to jump up there unless you jumped the five feet straight up to actually land in the aquarium, which is probably what Biscuits did. Mickey actually didn't get eaten. Instead he had a heart attack. Pembrook unfortunately ended up being taken to the basement and presumably tortured. I kept Mickey's body in the freezer a lot longer than I probably should have.

Ask me anything