I mean, if you want to buy me a ticket there, I won't turn it down...

Why am I so tempted to live in Cleaveland after only visiting once?

You obviously had sex with someone when you were here. So good for you. That happens a lot, cause it's cold.

Or you are actually a lake monster who prefers dark bricked over tunnels and the perfume of asphalt melting. Cleveland is home to a thriving community of lake monsters, and while they may not always be easy to find, your extrasensory lake monster perception probably picked up on their general sense of security and well-being. Or you smelled a potential mate.

Please give me some career advice.

1. Stop playing on the internet at work.

2. If you own cats, don't. They will knock out your router power cord, and you will think you can't get on the internets, and since you work from home you will wake up super earlier than you need to in order to call your provider and freak out about it, just to find it was the damn power cord out, and then the woman at the cable company will laugh at you and make a bunch of cat jokes.

3.Go buy a cave somewhere. Caves are moneymakers. You can give tours. Manufacture cheese. Grow mushrooms. Build a still. Host kidnapping rings. Best part? Caves are a solid real estate investment. Just stay away from fault lines.

4. Wear a lot of blue. People in your office will subconsciously confuse you with the Virgin Mary or Obama.

What are your thoughts on Bourdeaux?

The best part about Bordeaux is that they are building the world's largest laser there. Honest. It's called the Laser Megajoule, which is a kick ass name. I believe this was funded in an attempt to boost their level of James Bond villains.

Also, they were sacked not once but twice by Vandals. As in the East Germanic 5th Century tribe that terrorized Europe for hundreds of years, leading to the origin of the word vandalism. Which probably led to their interest in breeding villainy. Or it was passed down genetically from all the raping.

I like wine. But I think it's obvious a region that makes their name growing the stuff is not to be trusted.

What was your favorite book when you were in high school?

When I was in high school, I probably would have told you Beowulf, because I was that kind of snot.

Truthfully, it was most likely this incredibly large science fiction anthology I won for an essay contest in grade school, which ranks as one of my favorite possessions of all time. I actually came in second, but the boy who won first took the dictionary instead. And that, as they say, has made all the difference.

I could knock out a large Russian with this thing. No really, it's like 10 pounds. Size is the only thing that matters really when building your library. You don't know, you might be laid siege to by a bunch of unruly French men, and be forced to defend yourself by throwing large burning items. An anthology is a natural choice, lots of heft and will burn for a long time.

Ask me anything