How did you find your place in Cleveland? Since I moved back, all I have found is people who have no interest in being your friend because you haven't known them for 7,000 years and if you do manage to hang out with them all they do is drink too much
Well, first of all,
... and talk about tv. And not that there's anything wrong with drinking too much, which I do already and would like to do with someone besides my partner. But there is more to talk about than tv and it's boring and I'm disillusioned and lonely. And ...
let me apologize for the apparent character cap on questions.
I love Cleveland but I don't think I like anyone who lives here, which makes it hard to like Cleveland. But you seem like you've got it figured out (although I don't necessarily think you'd agree with that assessment).
I don't really believe in the term "finding yourself" or "finding your place." It implies that once you've found whatever your place is, you're done. Fuck having a place to find.
And unless you are suffering from a lack of peers in some divisive and specialized field of research(in which case I'm sorry and also jealous), the general rule is that most of the population is boring. They work all day. They watch tv because they are tired. They don't make an effort to look for new things to think about. They worry about the amount of sex they're having. Whatever city you live in, this is going to be the case. Cleveland is big enough that you can find someone who's into what you're into. I mean, it's not a huge city, but it's big enough. That whole "if you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere" thing? Well, if you can make friends in New York you can make friends in Cleveland or Oklahoma City or Houston.
But it's the making friends part that is hard. It has less to do with location and more to do with luck. Like dating, you just have to keep exposing yourself to new people until you come across someone you click with. Most of the friends I have, I have had for a long ass time. But every year there's at least 3 or 4 that get added to the rotation/stable/roster/clubhouse/there is really no non-demeaning way to say this/herd. It was all luck that led to me meeting them. Just once you meet them, you have to make a little effort to keep them around. Make plans for people? Come up with interesting things to do, and then find people to do them with, not the other way around? And if no one will come, then do them by yourself and then be really friendly to the strangers around you? When you meet someone you like, don't be afraid to ask them out? Yeah, no, it's exactly like dating.
This isn't a very helpful answer really. Everyone gets lonely and feels fed up with the circles they're in. I think the worst thing you can do is assume you don't like anyone. Once you're stuck in that mindset, there's no point in trying to get to know another person. In fact, your mindset should always be "I like you a lot until you give me reason not to."
If I had to diagnose you, I would say you're suffering from a lack of questions about yourself. My sister gave me this great piece of advice - the people worth knowing are the people who ask you about yourself, and are interested in your answers. Then you prove yourself to them by returning the favor and asking about them, and really listening to the answer. This is how real friendships are made. So I'm really sorry you keep running into people who don't ask questions.
The main point here: Never blame your location.
God, I really feel like this wasn't helpful. If you want more specific advice, tell me what you're interested in, and I'm usually pretty good about giving places to go. Good luck man.
Also, for the record, I talk about tv a LOT. Maybe you should get more into tv.
Cleveland Bachelor is a great resource for non-tv events, he knows practically everything indie band cool happening. So if you want to be in the Collinwood music niche, which is a great jumping off point for other social circles, start there. That was where I started when I had to get going again after The Relationship.
Right: don't blame the location. I had lots of great friends in NJ, where I didn't like living, and few friends in New York, where I loved living, and a medium number of friends here, where I'm pretty indifferent about living (at the moment).
ReplyDeleteHere's a tip: if you are from here, move to the opposite side of town for a fresh perspective. Chances are all your old high school buddies still live around where you grew up, so save them for those rare and special trips across the river. (Or is that not a Cleveland hangup anymore?)
I met some of my favorite new people through work, on the blogs, and mutual friends. Good luck!
i would like to thumbs up this post.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I want to halfway take back what I said yesterday. Sometimes it IS the location, or rather, how you react to it.
ReplyDeleteI had a good conversation last month with Jim Russell of Burgh Diaspora. He said that Rust Belt expats -- even the best-intentioned ones -- sometimes have a hard time readjusting when they come back, particularly if they'd gotten used to a certain way of living that they just don't get here. (It was an enormous relief to hear this, because I've spent the last two years questioning whether I made the right decision moving back.)
So, if you feel like that describes you, please drop me a line if you want to talk more about this. I love talking to other expats!
I guess I've never really understand the "way of living" thing. Unless you're talking public transportation. Which I can see being a huge life changing bummer.
ReplyDeletePublic transit can be a big part of it, especially in a place like Cleveland where the jobs are increasingly in public transit-unfriendly places. You can also get used to stuff like having a multitude of jobs in a certain sector, having a critical mass of people walking around (instead of driving around) at night so that you feel safe doing the same, more diversity and less of an uneasy, segregated feel, and lower crime.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, there's plenty to DO here - you're not going to get an all-encompassing judgment about "how awful Cleveland is" from me, ever. But you can't necessarily arrange your life the same way that you can in a denser place. For some people who come back, that's a good thing: the lower population density is a huge relief. Being able to drive to the grocery store instead of "having" to walk is a huge relief. (Although, "having" to walk to the grocery store in New York constituted my entire fitness plan!)
For others, it can be disappointing. For me, the worst part about that disappointment was how unexpected it was, because I'd been such a soppy Cleveland enthusiast!
You don't have to like everything about a place to live in it successfully, anyway. It isn't possible to like everything about Cleveland, or anyplace else!
Dear Person Who Wrote To Bridget,
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only person who has had those thoughts about the Cleveland populace. And I do think that being a nondrinker had a negative impact on my friend- making ability in the CLE. That's the first thing. However, I know of 3 sure-fire ways to increase your chances of making friends--get a dog, have a baby, or become involved in an all-consuming cultish hobby. If those are not options are not up your alley, at the very least you need to start getting out of the house and going to a coffee place or doing yoga or pottery or something. The key is being seen regularly around places. I met my best friend at Weight Watchers, but I knew her by sight because we'd take the same trains from W 117th. So start becoming a regular someplace.
Good luck!