My Conversation with Zombie Oral Roberts when he shows up at my house tomorrow night

Hi there Oral. How's it going? Now, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna put a lock this steel foyer here, just in case. Not that I'd want you to doubt my hospitality, but you're slobbering on my fake Persian carpet there. It's okay, it's covered in cat hair, so it's not the slobbering I mind. More like what the slobbering implies.

I'm really glad you chose my house to visit in your long anticipated feral flesh ramp. See, I kind of knew you were going to come to this. I mean, I had no scientific proof, but hey, that sort of shit doesn't matter to you, does it? No, I just figured that since your City of Faith Medical Center wasn't actually making any progress curing cancer (and really, how could a bunch of chanting nannies with no valid medical degrees hope for that?) well, they were probably working on a way to preserve your holy carcass after death. They've probably been working on that since you you threatened to off yourself if they didn't give you 8 million by March, which would make a pretty cool album cover name, lets try and remember that one. And if your "faith healers" weren't capable of basic medical care, it makes sense they would eventually turn to Voodoo.

I'm not saying that there were no real that doctors worked there, I'm just saying they were a front. For Voodoo Witches.

Would you like some whiskey, Oral? Ha Ha, whiskey? Oral? I mean, where else am I going to put this? Don't growl at me, we can't all be graduates of O.R. University. Oh, and while I'm thinking of that, let me just thank you for that bastion of reason, who gave us such notable minds as Michele Bachmann, Ted Haggard, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Kenneth Copeland. By the way, I don't have any evidence, but just from watching her public appearances, I'm pretty sure Michele gave up her oath and is drinking heavily. You should talk to her. Let her know God hates her. Maybe chew up her throat a little. Not enough to make her a zombie too though. Ugh, what a horrible thought.

Let's talk about faith healing. Why is it that really successful faith healers always seem to be embroiled in real estate scams and embezzlement? Misappropriation of funds scandals, like the one that got your son fired from his job at your university? No, not the son who killed himself because he couldn't please you or your god. The other one, with the stupid name. Robert Roberts. Who does that to their own kid?

It's too bad he didn't inherit your talent for bringing the dead back to life.

I mean maybe the hole in the scam is that your market can only get so big. There are only so many old people with money left in this country. None of the new old people have any, since health care costs have been bankrupting them for the last 30 years. Oh, that's right, and you.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here, Mr. Zombie Roberts, is that I think that whole "don't speak ill of the dead" crap is bunk. There are people in this world that did nothing good, that tricked and scammed and lied their way to death, that preyed upon the weakness and loneliness of people and instead of giving them actual ways to feel joy, sold them a halloween mask of hell, damnation, and quick moral fixes. I don't see why anyone should ever speak well of these rats, and you are one of them.

Now I'm going to pour this alcohol on you, and I'm going to throw this match on you, and I am going to smile as I recreate for you that burning hellfire you loved to evoke in the only real way a person can.

And don't mind him over there, he's my 900 ft. Jesus. He told me to do this.