Holy Santa Claus. Loves you and gives you presents. Unless you are one of his serfs. Or an infidel. Wants you to go to Midnight Mass with your mother, you ungrateful churl.
Natural Selection Santa Claus. Invented the popular "coal for the weak" practice.
Jolly Santa Claus. Made drinking with your mom and telling really exaggerated stories to punks at bars that you later may or may not sleep with a holiday tradition. Can turn from jolly to mean in 12 seconds flat.
Sentimental Santa Claus. The reason Christmas albums exist and why you can't stand to go the grocery stores on holidays. Just as much of a drunk as Jolly Santa, but cries more.
My Dad Santa. Does the dishes like a fucking champ, and always get the movies from Blockbuster. Will never ever tell you what he would actually like for Christmas, which means he gets lots of books, CD
s, and socks.
Holy Santa Claus. Loves you and gives you presents. Unless you are one of his serfs. Or an infidel. Wants you to go to Midnight Mass with your mother, you ungrateful churl.
Natural Selection Santa Claus. Invented the popular "coal for the weak" practice.
Jolly Santa Claus. Made drinking with your mom and telling really exaggerated stories to punks at bars that you later may or may not sleep with a holiday tradition. Can turn from jolly to mean in 12 seconds flat.
Sentimental Santa Claus. The reason Christmas albums exist and why you can't stand to go the grocery stores on holidays. Just as much of a drunk as Jolly Santa, but cries more.
My Dad Santa. Does the dishes like a fucking champ, and always get the movies from Blockbuster. Will never ever tell you what he would actually like for Christmas, which means he gets lots of books, CDs, and socks. 
Do you know the story about how an oily substance formed in St. Nicholas's tomb and people would come from all around to eat it? As a child I actually heard it referred to as "Santa juice." Which had the predictable horrifying effects on my young mind.
ReplyDeleteOh my god GROSS. But it's just water. But it's BONE WATER.
ReplyDeleteHA!!! I never knew your dad was Bill Callahan!!!
ReplyDeleteand yeah...i thought those were your real lips
A) There is only one Callahan blogging family in this town. 4 Eva.
ReplyDeleteb) They are never my real lips.
two things- first- the second guy from the bottom looks like the dos equis guy. second- those lips are utterly smoochtastic.
ReplyDeleteMan, I totally forgot the Dos Equis guy!
ReplyDelete