Messages for Other Drunk Friends At Various Other Points: A Holiday List

Stop feeding bacon to the dog, she's going to throw up.

Tomato juice does NOT go with everything, I promise.

You got drunk on manischewitz. Can you even spell that? You probably shouldn't drink a bottle of something you can't spell.

Watching you try to use your iphone right then was the greatest thing ever.

I promise you, everyone knows you're gay. Now.

Why did you have duct tape on your throat? Was it a monk thing?

I swear, if you leave me here with these people, I will never forgive you. But you did. For 45 minutes. Nobody's house in Lakewood is 45 minutes from Clifton.

The only reason he sold that to you is because he wanted a blow job.

Lady Gaga really really sucks. Hardcore. Not attractive. Can't sing.

I told you she was going to throw up.

Stop texting your boyfriend. Seriously. Stop it. I'm not joking. I'm going to throw your phone over the fucking patio wall if you don't.

You? Look exactly the same as in high school You? I didn't recognize at all.

Why are you still wearing frosted makeup? You'd be so much prettier without it. Like, a million times prettier. You look like Lady Gaga right now.

Why is it that every bar I go to with you is full of douchebags? Yes, I know I'm not supposed to use that word anymore. But they're not supposed to be tan in January.

Just make out with me already, so we can move on with our lives. There are other people I want to make out with tonight.

You look like a terrorist in that hoodie.

You should make some friends who don't work at Bar Cento.

Modern Family is not funny.