Tuesday, November 2, 2010

This post is about the election tonight

Jenny Humphrey has been BANNED by Blair Waldorf from all of NYC. Everyone in this show takes this BAN extremely seriously, including Jenny's PARENTS, who understand that they can't bring their little orphan home from Hudson unless Blair somehow dies. On the last episode, Jenny came back for an interview with TIM GUNN for Parsons, and Blair found out, and GAVE HER A DAY PASS. It was a huge KERFUFFLE.

So this week, its the Humphrey's one year anniversary, and they want the whole family together, but Jenny is BANISHED, so they, these two very rich adults, are very scared and sad, and say "oh well, nothing we can do." Then their two sons, both in plaid, decide they are going to plan a STRATEGY where they pit Chuck and Blair against each other, and somehow gain immunity for their sister that way. Cause unless Blair's ex boyfriend agrees to smuggle Jenny in and OFFER HER PROTECTION (that is an actual phrase used) there's just no way it can be done.

In the meantime Blair and Chuck, having made the overtures of a Truce, are ambushed by "I'm Not Gay" Nate and "I never move my eyebrows" Serena, and a NOTARY, to write out a fucking TREATY in paper and pen and blood, wherein they divide up the territory of NYC between them. That TREATY is then picked up by SECURITY to be kept safely in a BANK VAULT.

Then it's Blair's 20th birthday party. I'm sorry, did you think she was forty? With actual power? No, she's not even old enough to drink. But she has Madeleine Albright, Jonathan Frazen, Rachel Zoe, and the entire faculty of Columbia University at her birthday party (cause of course it's appropriate for the dean to socialize with her freshmen). Including the Humphreys, who are there because they have nothing better to do on their anniversary but go to a 20 yr olds birthday party, even though it's the 20 yr old who is currently scaring their daughter into never leaving Hudson again. ROBYN shows up, with some video of Blair singing karaoke, then sticks around and sings even though no one knows who she is. Blair is humiliated, but then gets over it when Chuck fucks her on a piano, or at least tries to, but she's wearing a hundred pounds of garters, so that's mostly all we see, garters being thrown everywhere. Serena decides to sleep with her millionaire professor that she promised everyone she wouldn't fuck because Serena will sleep with anyone.

And in the end, everyone has a nice time at the fancy party, the adults all shake their heads lovingly at the crazy teenagers biting each others heads off like mutant praying mantises from space, cause they used to do the same thing, but now they have money and seniority, so they only have to show up occasionally now and look respectable, and give money away for parties.

And the Gossip Girl website posts little snippets, and kids all over the city read the snippets on their iPhones and get shocked, and angry, and laugh, and can't wait to see what useless rich people do next, cause really it's just so.....obscene. dirty. crazy.


  1. I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT SONG!! Pure happiness! Squee! I didn't think I could smile today. Thanks for that, Sweet Monkey Chaps. Watch me shimmy.

  2. You are welcome Ells. It's my personal message to the Republicans who took over my state last night.

  3. Dude. . . I really need to catch up on my GG. But mostly, they just need to ban that blonde girl and send her to a deserted island. ASAP.

  4. Wait, I thought Hudson WAS a deserted prison island.

  5. I do not understand this post, but I am glad to know someone else in the world uses the word kerfuffle and in ALL CAPS no less.

  6. I mean, that's pretty much all that matters.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?