The 5 Most Appropriate Ways for Gossip Girl to End

Listen, if you don't know what Gossip Girl is, I can't help you. I don't know why or how, but this season is either the last or second to last one. I think it's the baby/wedding story arc that's throwing it into the final maneuvers. When you start marrying main characters off to the Prince of Monaco, what else is left really? Well, here's what I suggest.

1) I've argued for a while that what's going on in Gossip Girl is that Leighton Meester's character is actually stuck in a sensory dep tank deep within occupied territory, where the rebels are forcing her to live through manufactured nightmares in which she thinks she is Blair Waldorf. I don't know why they are doing this - maybe she is a new hybrid being and they are mining her adrenalin and tears for the recreational drugs of the new Manhattan's Elite.

2) Blair is actually a planted sleeper agent for an unknown dark force trying to assassinate the Prince of Monaco. On their wedding night, she plants a biological weapon in their suite, and flies out of the country as zombie apocalypse breaks out. Later, in the spin off, she redeems herself as a hostile but warmhearted leader of the Survivors.

3) In this season, Nate (who for no good reason just became the editor of a paper, at like 22) decided to start a war with Veronica Mars/Gossip Girl (I just learned today that Kristen Bell is the voiceover, XOXO wrongdoers), but then got immediately manipulated back into place by her. So obviously the next step is that  with Gossip Girl is under attack, she turns out to be a serial killer and starts quietly killing off all the main characters, episode by episode, as Blair and Chuck race to stop her before their numbers are up. Nate should be first, and it should involve a sex scandal with Drake (erotic asphyxiation I think) This would be great especially because nobody knows more about these dolls than the person who's been stalking them for 10 years. Maybe they could bring in the Mentalist to help catch her, thus giving me such a trash tv orgasm, I can never ever watch tv again.

4) Serena is a killer robot, planted by Cylons to infiltrate Earth's defense systems. No, not really. But she does become a tennis superstar, and then gets accidentally sold into the Ukrainian sex slave market. The end. Everybody hates Serena and when she's gone, they all live happily ever after. Last episode, we see the show end from the perspective of a small teen blonde girl in Louisana who is just crying and crying and crying in her shabby small bedroom plastered with posters of the cast members. She has 12 hairbows in her hair.

5) Jenny comes permanently back to town after being banished by Blair to Hudson (that actually happened), and becomes a reality show star. She spends every episode walking in some point in the middle of the show and randomly cursing or fighting or freaking out with whoever is available. These temper tantrums should have nothing to do with the actual show, it will be like a recurring joke we're all in on. But then at the season finale, she commits suicide, and everyone else has a revelation about the wanton wastefulness of their own lives. We then get an epilogue where we find out that each character has gone off to do something really awesome - like building schools in Africa, or studying global warming. Blair becomes a Doctor of Feminism, and writes a best selling book that changes how the country sees preteen girls. Chuck moves to Cleveland revitalizes the Slavic Village neighborhood. Serena gets fat and joins a knitting circle, where she finally finds happiness with a bearded bikester. The entire last episode is soundtracked by Fleet Foxes.

Update - #6 Jenny is often referred to as Raccoon Eyes, because of her generous use of eyeliner. In the last episode, she is played by an actual raccoon. Nobody notices. Turns out she's been a real raccoon this whole time. Plus, urban wildlife awareness!

This post is about the election tonight

Jenny Humphrey has been BANNED by Blair Waldorf from all of NYC. Everyone in this show takes this BAN extremely seriously, including Jenny's PARENTS, who understand that they can't bring their little orphan home from Hudson unless Blair somehow dies. On the last episode, Jenny came back for an interview with TIM GUNN for Parsons, and Blair found out, and GAVE HER A DAY PASS. It was a huge KERFUFFLE.

So this week, its the Humphrey's one year anniversary, and they want the whole family together, but Jenny is BANISHED, so they, these two very rich adults, are very scared and sad, and say "oh well, nothing we can do." Then their two sons, both in plaid, decide they are going to plan a STRATEGY where they pit Chuck and Blair against each other, and somehow gain immunity for their sister that way. Cause unless Blair's ex boyfriend agrees to smuggle Jenny in and OFFER HER PROTECTION (that is an actual phrase used) there's just no way it can be done.

In the meantime Blair and Chuck, having made the overtures of a Truce, are ambushed by "I'm Not Gay" Nate and "I never move my eyebrows" Serena, and a NOTARY, to write out a fucking TREATY in paper and pen and blood, wherein they divide up the territory of NYC between them. That TREATY is then picked up by SECURITY to be kept safely in a BANK VAULT.

Then it's Blair's 20th birthday party. I'm sorry, did you think she was forty? With actual power? No, she's not even old enough to drink. But she has Madeleine Albright, Jonathan Frazen, Rachel Zoe, and the entire faculty of Columbia University at her birthday party (cause of course it's appropriate for the dean to socialize with her freshmen). Including the Humphreys, who are there because they have nothing better to do on their anniversary but go to a 20 yr olds birthday party, even though it's the 20 yr old who is currently scaring their daughter into never leaving Hudson again. ROBYN shows up, with some video of Blair singing karaoke, then sticks around and sings even though no one knows who she is. Blair is humiliated, but then gets over it when Chuck fucks her on a piano, or at least tries to, but she's wearing a hundred pounds of garters, so that's mostly all we see, garters being thrown everywhere. Serena decides to sleep with her millionaire professor that she promised everyone she wouldn't fuck because Serena will sleep with anyone.

And in the end, everyone has a nice time at the fancy party, the adults all shake their heads lovingly at the crazy teenagers biting each others heads off like mutant praying mantises from space, cause they used to do the same thing, but now they have money and seniority, so they only have to show up occasionally now and look respectable, and give money away for parties.

And the Gossip Girl website posts little snippets, and kids all over the city read the snippets on their iPhones and get shocked, and angry, and laugh, and can't wait to see what useless rich people do next, cause really it's just so.....obscene. dirty. crazy.