Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Seven Things You Should Not Do This Thanksgiving

1) Go to the grocery store the weekend before.

Sure, everyone tells you to go then, so you don't end up running there 10pm Wednesday night. But the truth is, I would rather have to wait behind five people with cans of cranberry sauce than one middle aged woman with an entire cart, a handful of coupons, and a checkbook.

2) Make plans for Thanksgiving Night, after dinner.

This is traditional party night for kids home from college, at least it was for my friends. Guess what? You're not in college anymore. Sit around with your family, get drunk, watch a movie. Make fun of your mom for asking questions through the whole movie. DO THE DISHES FOR YOUR DAD. (note: this is not me promising to do the dishes Dad)

3) Sleep with anyone you used to sleep with before.

The worst thing about the holidays is that everyone comes home and all of a sudden all these people who left town are back, and you're out drunk with them, and things happen. That shouldn't happen. Make a point to only sleep with people you haven't slept with before.

4) Spend all Thanksgiving Day drinking

You won't really be as hungry as you think, even if you don't eat all day. And you'll be too tired to clear the table, which will mean that once again, your sister will take all the leftover turkey skin. Turkey skin is important. Win the leftovers war.

5) Leave the turkey out on top of the stove (if you have animals)

My parents used to have this black cat, Muon, who was a champion turkey stealer. Even if we covered it with foil. This little shit could even open the refrigerator door, so we had to keep putting a stool in front of it.

6) Make any kind of fancy cranberry sauce.

Your family won't like it.

7) Give your siblings advice. Or rather, give anyone advice.

99% of family altercations are started by you thinking you need to advise somebody on something. Nobody needs advice on Thanksgiving. They just need to eat, drink, and tell horrible yet funny political stories.


  1. I will definitely be doing #4. beware drunk tweets.

    If you do want to do #6 you can send it to me. I will appreciate it.

  2. I disagree with #6. I make a cranberry lime sauce/relish every year that my whole family loves.

  3. Hey I strongly resemble #1. And agree with Dave on the cranberry sauce. Mom makes her own but it uses orange instead of lime. yum.

  4. See, however your Mom makes the cranberry sauce is how everyone expects the cranberry sauce to be made, or Dave's case, however Dave makes it. But it's the one tradition that you can't fuck with.

  5. Last year, I decided I was going to ease the burden from my poor, hates-any-cooking-beyond-the-microwave mother and make Thanksgiving dinner for her and the rest of my family. I was met with nothing but shitty PRE-dinner comments, people constantly disregarding my "NO TRESPASSING" rule and flailing and meandering almost deliberately to get in my way, and my mother yelling at me for everything I was doing "wrong" (no Mom, stuffing doesn't have to come out of a box). After all of my work that I did anyway because it's how I am, I was just met with people eating. No comments, no gratuity or even a nod in my direction.
    I swore I'd never cook for my family ever again.

    This year my mom somehow managed to guilt me into making the entire dinner again. Don't let this happen to you.

  6. I wish I could convince my mother to let me cook. I called her today and she has literally 10 dishes she's making, so there's nothing at all she needs. Except for me to peel stuff for hours.

    The year I wanted to do the turkey, it took literally hours of convincing.

  7. I'm a fan of #1-but grocery stores are apparently required by law to not have more than 2 of any one item in stock at any time. Thanksgiving reduces residents to battletoads.

  8. I'm a big fan of the stay up until midnight and then go to the all night grocery store.

    Earlier today, when I went to the store for pizza makings, they were out of canola oil. Who runs out of canola oil?

  9. 1. Sigh. I have to go on my way home from work tonight.

    2. I'm waiting until the following night. Family time is over and there will still be plenty of people out on the town to socialize with.

    3. A-fucking-men, sister.

    4. A few after dinner drinks are ok. And drinks while I'm making food tonight. Right? Right.

    5. Sneaky cats. Always causing problems.

    6. Yuck.

    7. That's my Thanksgiving in a nutshell - drunken Uncles giving advice no one wants and funny, political stories...often followed by a shouting match. "Left wing bastard" was a popular catch phrase last year.

  10. #4 - Yes. During the actual dinner and then after the pie is squirreled away, you should drink as much as you can.

  11. I'm going turkey shopping on Friday. I'm pretending like I'll find super bargains that way. Rocco is twitching.

  12. Oh man, that's such a good idea. I should buy a turkey then too. Though last year I went the next day to buy a duck, and they were out.

  13. See, I agree with you on the cranberry sauce. My aunt's brother-in-law is a chef and last year he brought fancy cranberry sauce to Thanksgiving, and my uncle plopped a can of cranberry jelly out onto a serving dish and they made bets on which one would disappear first. The canned stuff was gone in a heartbeat.

    Of course my family is from Kentucky.

  14. Also, to be honest, I really really like canned cranberry jelly.

  15. Every year, my mom always tries to do #8: Make a salad with FRUIT IN IT.

    Gross. Spinach and orange slices don't mix. It's gross. My dad won't eat it, my brother won't eat it, I won't eat it...and the other people at the table, if they're not related...will try to eat it out of politeness.

  16. This year my mother has made a carrot jello salad. So....we'll see.

  17. Jellied cranberry sauce from a can was traditional in my family growing up. My mother's family served it in slices. We thought it was very sophisticated the first time we saw someone mash it up in a bowl so you couldn't see the lines from the can anymore.

    A few years ago, I read a blog post ranting about its consistency and color. The blogger referred to it as "Muppet phlegm." Is it disturbing that that made me appreciate it even more?

  18. It's color is perfect. I want an entire house with windows covered in cellophane that color.

  19. My cousin is getting married on thanksgiving weekend. Why? Of all fucking weekends, why did you choose my only four day weekend?

  20. That sucks. So inconsiderate to hold a wedding on a holiday when the whole family wants to get together and drink.

  21. okay, am i the only one who gets irrationally angry when i find myself stuck behind someone writing a check at the grocery store?
    i'm like...a... a CHECK? IS IT 1989 again?! for gods sake... USE A DEBIT CARD. PLEASE!

  22. I have only used a checkbook to float checks the day before pay day. Otherwise, what the hell?


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