Saturday's Questions Have the Fever

What's your fave drink to tie one on with and why?

I am not a horse. I do not "tie" one on. Instead, I delicately hold the champagne glass between my grubby little fingers, and swill it down like an over aged flapper old maid. Or I sip a pineapple and vodka, which is the drink I can keep drinking, as in I can have four or five of them without feeling quivery and unstable inside, but rather more solidly and steadily drunk. Like a paragon of drunk girl, instead of a parody, which is how drinking jello shots makes me feel.

Do jello shots count as drinking?


Now that we know Tyra is a fashion vampire, in league with other fashion vampires, which is how she got such amazing guests judges etc for this season of Top Model, how will she possibly top herself next season? 'Cause there's gonna be a next season.

I mean, the only real way to top this Vogue Italia vampire cabal is for Tyra to start her very own fashion week, in like, Warsaw, and somehow convince all the fashion players to stay in Poland for six months while she picks underemployed boys and girls from the countryside to perform Ninja Warrior style obstacle courses to qualify to work as servers in the tents.

But probably it will just be all plus size models next season. Or all refugee sex slaves. Or both. Plus sized sex slave refugees seems like a cause Tyra could get behind.

There will always be a next season. This show is forever, like black holes and twinkies.


Do people still "write novels" as a hopeful project anymore? I mean, it used to be, when you were useless and over-educated, you pretended to be writing a novel. But do people do that anymore? How many disaffected middle-class shits have a screenplay?

First of all, a novel and a screenplay are completely different creatures. One is commercially viable, for instance, and the other is completely arcane.

But yes, some of us are still pretending to write novels. I know at least three of us. I like all of my friends to have at least something they are pretending to do, because if you can't even work up the hope of something meaningful you can do outside of work, then you're probably pretty boring to have a drink with. Unless your job is incredibly interesting. And even that is going to run out of talking points in a few years.

Also, those of us writing on a regular basis, even if its crap, will not get Alzheimer's. I have nothing to back that up except a rudimentary understanding that when they say drinking or smoking weed staves off dementia, what they are really saying is that the more active your brain stays, the more socially interested you are, the longer you can keep the mechanism working. I also apply this general theory of "it makes sense" to the idea that cancer is a product of the toxins and poisons and chemicals we ingest everyday while breathing eating or drinking.

Oh the painful burden of the bourgeoisie, to have to be interesting to get laid.


Why is self-righteousness such a popular hobby for Americans?

I think it's because we are so good at not seeing poor people. And if we're poor, we're really good at being defensive about it. Because it's really American to be out to improve our own lot. That's the American Dream - achievement as an individual, not as a society. So, since we are supposed to be our own heroes, of course we're infected with moral superiority. Our entire culture is based on being underdogs who achieve against all odds and all naysayers. How are you supposed to be right all the time, and not be self-righteous?


If KITT made a mistake that lead to Michael Knight's death which spiraled him into depression--which lead to him forming an EMO band what would he call said band?

My Transmission Failure

If you had to be a housewife from the real housewives franchise, who would you be?

I can't watch any of those shows. I can't get into watching people who are rich only by proxy doing horrible things to their children. So I don't know who any of them are. But if I have to pick, I pick whichever one is the richest. Even if it's one of those Jersey girls. But I'm sort hoping it's an Atlanta one.

Yeah, that's right. I can still be a tv snob and worship Tyra. THEY ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE.

Are reebok easytones for real?

No. But you know what helps tone leg muscles? Walking and sex. So if buying those shoes helps you accomplish either of those activities, then do it.


If the mayor of Cleveland banned you forever, where would you go?

First of all, I feel like the mayor banning me from Cleveland is the equivalent of Blair banning Jenny from Manhattan, in other words completely ridiculous. 95% of the people in Cleveland aren't even aware of my existence, so I feel pretty confident I could just hang out and ignore any executive orders. Most of this city's population is lost as it is.

But lets assume we're in some alternate reality, where all major cities in the US participate in fake war games in order to keep the defense industry relevant, and cities that lose against other are quarantined for 10 years as if they were all dead. And let's assume Chicago was triumphant over Cleveland, and I was somehow responsible for helping that, and I was banished as a traitor. I would drive to Kentucky, and take up residence on an abandoned farm, where I would grow algae for food, and build a water mill for power. It would be like my own little commune. Only it would probably just be me and Elly and her extended family. I would marry her brother, and come up with some nonsense name for our community, like the New Sun Rising. And then, when we started to starve, or our children started getting rebellious, I would come back to Cleveland, knock on the barrier wall, and demand one on one combat with Dan Gilbert in order to win back my citizenship.

I expect I could rally at least ten gunhands behind my cause, just from this readership. Right? You are all crack shots, I assume.


How can I work more sarcasm into my daily life?

I personally think we have more sarcasm in the world than we need. What we need is more sincerity from smart people. So please, don't be more sarcastic. Just be more honest.

Or, if you really can't take sincerity, if it just breaks your heart over and over and makes you want to never leave your house or speak to anyone ever again, then listen to more Pulp. Cause if you can't be sincere, you might as well be sexy.


My favorite piece of china, a thrift store gravy boat that's held its ground well past its prime years, is leaking from a crack down the side. it feels silly, but i can't just throw it in the garbage. do you know how to fix it?

Well, you need clear epoxy glue, Qtips, and a lot of patience. More than I have. Really, how much do you use your gravy boat for gravy, and how often are you just using it for beer when you run out of glasses? I would recommend re purposing it as a candy dish or ashtray. Which is what I use most thrift store pieces as anyway.


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