Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Secret History of Thanksgiving

The Secret History of Thanksgiving,
As Told Through Traditional Food Preparations.

In the dark and still forests, our ancestors hunted their enemies, the dangerous alien bird mutants, who had come from beyond the moon. Their feathers dripped acid, their eyes burned black holes into our flesh, but our forefathers were brave, and tore apart their extra terrestial flesh and fed it to their dogs and children. Dogs first. The war raged for centuries, as the legions of bird mutants filled the skies like drops of water.

It threatened to go on for millenia more, and would have, except for the brave sacrifice of a young skinny girl, who camouflaged herself in leaves and mushrooms, and infiltrated the aliens secret base nest.

She lived in caves underneath the nest for months, living off root vegetables she pulled from the earth around her. Her skin became orange and tough like their peels. Her teeth crumbled from malnutrition.

Stealthily, every day while the despicable fowl were sleeping, she planted little round bombs, made of clay and butter from the combustible cows of Colorado, under the foundations of the base. It was an arduous mission, she longed for it's completion. One morning, finally, she saw the sign, hidden by her cave entrance.

And that evening, as the sun went down, she crept out of the cave. The alien bird mutants were rousing from their roosts, and she was spotted by a sentry too late, standing victorious by the edge of the dark woods, detonator in hand. Her village watched from the hills, as she hit the button, and blew the monsters back into the sky.

Their red blood rained down for hours.

And turned the rivers and wells to sludge, destroying the villagers' crops.
Famine threatened all of humanity.

But the resourceful mothers gathered the roots under the earth, and fed their families pie until the waters cleared.

And also, maybe lingonberries? The history books are unclear. But tonight we celebrate the actions of one brave little girl, who single-handedly won the war with the Great Mutant Turkey Aliens. We remember you Macy. We will never forget.


  1. That's the best explanation of Thanksgiving I've ever heard. something of the sort must have happened in England and we celebrate it at Chrstmas time. Hope your Thanksgiving was a good one!

  2. I think the English Christmas celebration is actually meant to celebrate the victory against the zombie currant infestation.

  3. I love Macy's work. Though I'm not a big fan of her parade.

  4. Macy would have never been so reckless as a parade.

    Thanks Lib.


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