Saturday, November 6, 2010

Fridays Questions Should Just Cowboy Up and Admit They are Always Going to End Up Saturday Questions

I ended up with a metric ton of cake in my fridge from yesterday. Seriously, this plate of cake weighs as much as a small cat. It's really good cake too, also there's orzo and fried rice and just a lot of food all of a sudden showing up in my fridge, which is great because I can put off going to food shopping till Monday. But what I really wish I had right now is a slice of pizza. Extremely greasy pizza. Preferably Hawaiian. And three more hours sleep. And a haircut. And two more cups of coffee. And really good slippers that my cat wouldn't piss on, fucking little monsters. My mom wants me to stop saying fuck as much as I do, but it's literally the only word I can verbalize right now.

Christmas Ale season is upon us. For those of you not in Cleveland, there's this local brewery everyone likes, and when their Christmas Ale comes out, everyone in Cleveland goes a little bit apeshit, and everyone's status updates become "oh my god the Christmas Ale" "Holy shit, the Christmas Ale" "Oh last night the Christmas Ale". Because frankly, we have nothing better to do. I don't usually give into it, but yesterday I did, and along with the *ahem* moonshine punch, and the whiskey, it all led to me up at 3am flooding my facebook page with more appropriate names for this stuff, cause, you know, I'm so fucking witty when I'm drunk. My personal favorite was "I Need New Tires But It's More Important to Get Laid"Ale.

Alright, enough of this chatter, let's go.

Chris doing his kermit impression. Also, someone is snorting in the beginning of this, and I would love to know who, and I'm hoping to God it's not me. After listening to it a few times, I'm pretty sure it's not. Pretty sure. Why do I keep taking out my camera when I'm drunk?

What is the worst thing about being single? What is the best thing?

The worst part is not having that constant validation of my own self-worth. Also, having to drive myself home from parties.

The best is being able to sleep with whoever I want to. Without feeling like I'm obligated to.

Do you carry a pink umbrella? Because I think I rushed past you in the rain after work today, and at first was jealous, since you were so nice and dry, and under a pretty brolly, and then was... "wait, was that @bridgetcallahan?"

You know we're not on twitter right? And that you can use my name without the @ symbol, I will totally know you are talking about me.

I do not have an umbrella. I couldn't be bothered before, it always seemed like they never really kept me dry and they certainly didn't make me any warmer. Also, I look good wet. But this year I've found myself thinking I should start carrying one, and being a little jealous of pretty ones. But I would never carry a pink one, because I don't own anything pink except this one clutch, and I can't take that in the rain. If I got an umbrella, it would probably be one of those constellation ones you see in museum gift shops, or it would be covered in dinosaurs.

I don't know who this other me is, but I bet I could totally take her in an umbrella light saber stand off. Only, she would be dry and I would be wet, so I would probably electrocute myself. If they were actual light sabers, I mean. There was a valid train of thought there.

If this is a councilor's ship then where is the ambassador!?

Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found Ewan McGregor, then please gently convince him that he shouldn't have signed on to do Star Wars, because now his IMDB page is going to read Ewan McGregor, Revenge of the Sith, actor. Instead of Ewan McGregor, Shallow Grave, actor. Which is a damn shame.

If you were riding down the street in your pink Hummer and you came across a bearded homeless man drinking a cheap bottle of merlot would you consider watching an Eat, Pray, Love and The Notebook doubleheader with somebody you don't know why you hate?

1) I would never NEVER drive a Hummer of any sort, unless I was driving across the desert.
2) What is with you guys and pink today?
3)I have no idea what the homeless guy has to do with this, and I suspect neither do you.
4) I will generally watch movies with almost anyone, because I don't have to talk to them. But to watch either of those movies, I would need to be really sick, or really drunk, which, frankly, it's kind of hard for me to hate anyone in those circumstances because I'm so fragile. What would for sure end up happening is I would start whining about how those two douchebags wrote books and made money, and what's wrong with me that I can't do the same thing, and whoever I was watching it with would totally end up hating me instead.
5) I always know why I hate someone.Otherwise it's not hate, it's just mild annoyance.
6)The Notebook is so insipid. It's like drinking a gallon of cough syrup all at once.

Earlier today you were Tweeting to your sixteen-year-old self. Please expound on that and tell us a few more things that you would want 16-year-old Bridget to know.

I think the first and foremost thing was covered on Twitter, which is that white slips are not real dresses. They should not be worn as such, and especially not with the black bra/black stockings combination.
Also of note - 16 year old Bridget should stop wearing that damn witch necklace, which was a giant silver pentagram and a large blue bag of charms, which is now in every high school picture her mom has of her. She should try painting other things in art class besides corpses in various positions and weird flowers. She should never be allowed to write with a silver marker on anything. She should keep her tongue in her fucking mouth, and maybe try keep her mouth shut more often, on more than one level. Guys in their 30s who want to hang out with her are not the kind of guys who deserve excuses, except for Peter, because he was actually a real friend, but everyone else is creepy. She should stop being so damn defensive about being a poor girl in a rich school, and be less prickly in general to people her own age. She should wear an electric collar that shocks her anytime she writes a guys name on any surface. Finally, Indigo Girls sucks. Oh, and for god sakes, listen to Ms. Sayid more.

You know like.. 900000000 people I know, but I'm not sure If I've met you directly. When I lived in Cleveland, I was a user, a boozer, and a loser, and I forgot a lot of stuff!

I don't understand the question. Are you asking if we've ever met? Cause frankly, we're in the same position here. And if you really were a loser, I probably didn't take much note of you anyway. For me to remember your name the first time you would have to be either hot, or really interesting, or spend a significant amount of time with me. Though yesterday, I could totally not remember the name of a girl I had known for years who I hadn't seen in a while. I mean, the problem is I'm just so smart, my brain has to recycle through bits of knowledge, and only keep what applies in the current situation. I just don't have the room for memories. Sad but true. It's a miracle of science I even remembered to do this post. The fact I remember how to type is blowing my mind right now.

What do you think the 28th Amendment should be?

An Equal Rights Amendment.

What's wrong with sex as a hobby?

I'm pretty sure nobody on this blog told you there was any sort of problem with that.

Though if I meet you for the first time, and I ask you what you're really into, and you tell me sex? I'm going to think that's a really dumb answer. Cause almost everybody is into sex. But not a lot of people are into, say, model rocket building. Or aquariums. Or late 1970s poetry.

So to answer the question, I guess the problem is that it's kind of boring.
Also something else someone should tell 16 year old Bridget.

What is the best part of November?

All Tomorrow's parties.

(and laying in bed on cold mornings after parties)

what is your opinion of the phrase, "It is what it is"?

Depending on the context, it's either the weakest thing you can say, or the wisest. But either way, you have no idea if it's true or not. You probably don't even know what "it" is. A much better statement would be "Don't Put That In Your Mouth".

Ask Me Anything


  1. my Mom says "it is what it is" I want to strangle her whenever she does...

  2. Next time she does that, just look at her and very sincerely ask her "what is it?"

  3. The snorting wasn't you. I know who it is, and their secret is safe with me.

  4. It was me. I'm the snorter. Ryan and Christian were on either side of me making me laugh hysterically... which, unfortunately, includes me snorting.

    I'm glad you enjoyed the metric ton of cake I packed for you, also the orzo. Hopefully you liked the bourbon raspberry cake creation I made! I think you made a cooking request of me last night? Something about creating another bourbon mousse concoction?


  5. YES I requested a layered bourbon mousse pumpkin thing, with pralines on top.

    I tried to eat some raspberry cake right now and I got about three spoonfuls in before the richness killed me. I'm laying here dead now, and it's all your fault.
    Seriously though, that trifle is awesome. Just...not when you're hungover.

    I am so relieved it wasn't me snorting. I was thinking "oh my god, was I so drunk that I was snorting and DIDNT EVEN HEAR IT? and totally was unaware that I did this?" There's nothing wrong with snorting. It was just a bit of an identity crisis.

  6. Yeah, I wish I could be relieved that it wasn't me... but I can't do that because it was, in fact, me.

    ... Damnit. Why am I single again?

  7. If it makes you feel better, I was sitting next to most of the night, and I didn't notice it all.

    Also, in light of the fact it wasn't me, it's sort of cute.

  8. this is fucking hilarious. thanks for the laugh!


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