Friday, November 19, 2010

The Requisite Drunken Tiara Post

So when you give a 31 yr old woman a new tiara, and she spends most of the day stressed out over work, and mad at herself for not cleaning, and then gets drunk and stays up till 3am watching episodes of Community getting more drunk, it turns out *surprise* she may take pictures of herself in said tiara and her pajamas. Though it's SO much sparklier than the pictures show. It's like nothing but sparkle.

This is my tiara. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My tiara is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My tiara, without me, is useless. Without my tiara, I am useless. I must fire my tiara unicorn princess power true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me.

My tiara and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My tiara is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a sister. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its glitter and it's fire. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage. I will keep my tiara clean and ready. We will become part of each other.

K: also. in deathmatch beret vs. tiara, beret wins!

B: NO.


B: NO.

L: please. the beret, the glorious head topper notoriously associated with the green berets, Che Guevara, Black Panthers and 70s eco terrorists all across this great country, will beat a sissy tiara down.

K: here's where i say, "oh, I was talking about my pretty pony accessories!" (not really, but yeah. my pretty pony! unicorns! tricycles!)

B: Wait till you see my Fortress of Solitude tiara and you tell me who's a fucking sissy.

B: ‎"Oh, I'm made of felt"
"Oh, I'm made of CUT GLASS motherfucker"

K: I'm made of unicorns!

B: You know what might beat a tiara? A beret made of unicorn leather. MAYBE.

L: no no, K, let her defend her fascist, bourgeois tiara, the typical symbol of oppression and outmoded tyranny. felt and wool, the materials of a beret, are materials of the people. as Karl Marx, the greatest wearer of berets since berets were invented, once said, "a beret by the people, for the people, shall never perish from this earth."

B: interesting but true fact: when you google Karl Marx in a hat, the image of Papa Smurf comes up more times than I'm comfortable with.

L: and so does my christmas card for this season.

K: I thought he said something about letting them eat cake?
;) Bridget, take no chances. my beret is made of unicorn leather AND cut glass. it darkles and tincts!

B: Oh Papa Smurf, I love when you come down the Chimney and free the proletariat with oranges and schnitzel.

K: if I do Christmas cards this year, they'll have flying unicorns on them. now I want orange juice.

L: that quote about the cake was a bastardization propagated by Lenin to gain control of the soviet military when flour supplies ran low. Russia is solidly team pie; the cake thing was meant to be an insult. i guess some things get lost in translation.

B: Dude, tiaras and pie all the way, monarchy 4 eva.

K: i DO like pie. who's eva, though?


  1. It's SO pretty!!! When you said you were buying a tiara I thought you meant a really ostentatious one. But this one is great. I love it. Now you have to get a sparkly dress. YOU HAVE TO.

  2. I know, right! I very well may wear this every day for the next two months. There is a very good chance that will happen.

  3. This tiara is perfect for you and you should never take it off.

  4. oooo, a tiara! A _new_ one!
    What happened to the old one(s)? Do they get old and sad, or just disappear some day just before you're heading out the door needing a smart head-top accessory? Do they have to be retired in a special ceremony? One involving long gloves?
    I've never had one - I don't know how these things work.

  5. Sarah - promise

    Nan- if this tiara ever dies, I will throw it's pieces off a boat into the middle of Lake Erie while listening to the Bangles. That seems appropriate.

  6. Damn, that is an awesome tiara. Did you get it on etsy?

  7. Little -

    All SORTS of awesome tiaras. Dozens of them.

  8. Tiaras win. Always. The end.

    Also? You're a pretty, pretty princess!

  9. ...who rides a laser beam eyed unicorn, lives in a crystal mushroom/skull castle, and fights injustice. Is how you meant to finish that sentence, right?

  10. I'm so bookmarking that. Isobel and I need matching mother-daughter-tiaras POST HASTE.

    And since you were drunk this is one of my favorite ones, natch.



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