America's Next Top Model: The Cycle Starts

Ways in which being on America's Next Top Model is like being in Pan's Labyrinth

1. You will meet fantastically made up monsters.
2. Those monsters will make you do scary things you don't think you can.
3. You will eventually be killed by your fantasy.

For this cycle, the mythical Tyra (She of the Three Wigs) dressed up as a broken down goddess, or an extra for Xanadu that didn't get the last production memo. She was escorted onto set by her legion of centurions, and protected herself from the howling assembly of newbie zombies with spears and a moat. She wasn't taking any chances after the unfortunate biting incident of Cycle 11. The zombies screamed and screamed, because no one had told them they were going to be on ANTM, and this was all a big giant surprise. Because they had no warning, several of the zombies proved unable to walk at all. And they were quickly devoured by the other contestants. Which is what happens when you kidnap zombies and don't feed them for three days while they wait in line in their bikinis.

So first the zombies had to imitate goddesses, and it was stupid and they all looked stupid.

Then Tyra, from a distance, told the zombies to find the box with their name on it, and inside she told them was a tasty tasty brain. But it turned out only half the zombies got brains, and instead of brains they were laurel wreaths, and two more zombies died of lead poisoning by chewing on them.

And let's meet the survivors:

Teyona: from New Jersey, her occupation is listed as Loss Prevention Representative, which means the girl works in Collections. She looks like someone pulled her face off, and then put it back on without enough skin. Tyra likes the fact that she has a windblown face, or she's just trying to drive Ms. Jay crazy.

Celia: from Kentucky, she's 25, which is ANCIENT for this show. Also she has a neanderthal brow. She was affectionately nicknamed Flat Iron Face. I predict she's going to do REALLY well in her photos.

Kortnie: is officially disqualified because she has the worst name ever.

Jessica: is a Puerto Rican. But sadly, not The Rican. The Rican was kicked off.

Natalie: is pretty. Whatever. She's a knock off early.

Tahlia: same thing. Except not pretty. Edit: I totally forgot about her burn scars all over her body. I like them. I suspect the judges will not.

Nijah: is sadly not named Ninja. But really, from now on she is.

Aminat: is a vampire with a Fro, which apparently gets cut off in the Makeover, cause she doesn't have it on the website, which makes me sad. Or the Fro was fake all along, which makes me happy. Aminat is 3000 years old and has survived on the blood of virgin evildoers.

Fo: is a soup

Isabella: is a cute little blonde girl who suffers from seizures, and has somehow not taken into account how having lots of flashing photographers in her face might affect that.

Sandra: is the manufactured villain of the season, and is so abrasive, she got into a fight with the Rican during the goddess photo shoot and bit off her arm. Sandra will at some point end up crying about her self-discovery ie that everyone has hated her ever, and then she will make it far further than she needs to because Tyra secretly loves bitches.

London: is a street preacher? Or a girl with no shame who created a good gimmick. God always gets you on. Seriously, she's from Arlington, Texas. I think being a street preacher there means you're a upstanding pillar of the community. She wears those stupid headbands across her forehead, which I HATE.

Allison: I LOVE GOOGLAY EYES. I wish they hadn't shown part of her interview where she said she liked blood, because it means for sure she doesn't win in the end. She's from New Orleans, where she's been living in the attic of a decrepit mansion, feeding off rats and the occasional possum, waiting for the undead to come and possess her. Which means she and Aminat are going to be the bestest of friends.


So then we got a second episode! Where Tyra spouted some nonsense about girls growing up too fast (which ANTM has nothing to do with, of course) and instead of doing a shoot about bovine growth hormone, she has the zombies creepily pose like little sexy girls playing playground games, waiting for that nice strange man who gives them candy. Surrounded by pregnant drinking extras.

Jay Emmanuel shows up in a zombie bite proof suit, and then promptly changes into the 2nd outfit he brought with him once the guard dogs arrive. He has a car follow him with a wardrobe...and guard dogs. A conversation ensues about who we would rather fuck, Jay or Nigel. I go with Jay, because Nigel is kind of a douche.

Then elimination: and it's Villain vs. Seizures. But sadly, Villain wins. I can't believe the producers don't think we'll get enough mileage out of Preacher, but whatever, they keep her around. And Seizures goes home, which surprises me, cause you know, SEIZURES! But whatever, maybe the producers aren't as coldhearted as I am.