America's Next Top Model Cycle 12: Episode 2, The Changelings Emerge from the Labratory

So. America’s Next Top Model. Last Night.

First, Tyra broke out the extra unnecessary crazy, and gave the girls a giant limo/short bus covered in pink plaid. If I lived in NYC, I would sue for the sheer tastelessness of it. That was followed by a weird segment where she played Super Spy and gave Jay and Miss J their mission through either a phone I don’t recognize or J’s PSP. And it was the Makeover Episode! And we were all very happy. Because it meant someone would cry.

Most of the makeovers were to be expected. Allison, my lovely, got long blonde hair and looked fabulous. Also, she made a name for herself this episode by showing herself to be a well-adjusted social girl, despite the editors’ best efforts. So yay, we like Googlay Eyes.
Kortnie was made into Barbie’s friend Midge, which was the only thing they could do with her spray tan. Celia was given some Sex in the City haircut which only enforces the idea that she is a Cylon. Aminat’s fro was a fake. Just like her personality, it turns out. And also, without her fro, she kinda looks like a frog. Sandra got a golden buzz-cut, which made her look pretty to herself, and reminded me of those weird guys with wheels in Return to Oz. Thalia revealed herself to be Mariah Carey’s lost love child. And then that one girl…Natalie? See, no one was crying yet, so Jay decided to fuck with her a little, and pretend they were going to cut all her hair off. And she cried, and wouldn’t let them, and cried some more. Then Jay said “fake” and “we’re not doing anything to it” and “but if we had wanted to, you should have let us, if you really wanted to be here.” But I say, WTF? They’ve kicked girls off before for not letting their hair get cut off. Girl did not pass the test. She got to go.

The best makeover of the night was Fo’s. They gave her this super cute adorable Audrey Hepburn cut, which worked so well with her freckles and plaid shirt. She looked like a cast member from Gilmore Girls! Or a member of Sleater Kinney! But Fo hated it and said it made her feel like the long lost brother of captain butch dyke. Why are these girls so attached to their hair? I mean, it’s the one thing that grows back. They need to be more concerned with their faces.

There was a small Covergirl challenge, where the CG rep hired the models to kidnap women off the street, and make them up pretty in preparation for their trip to Romania as American sex slaves.

Then the girls got taken to a dark secret back alley, where they trustingly walked out into the shadows like puppies being freighted to a pharmaceutical lab. Nigel Barker pounced on them from a doorway, and said “hold this radioactive lamps close or the demonic spiders will crawl into your eyes!” And Natalie, Wind Tunnel, Celia, and Allison all managed to fend off the nightmares (Allison drawing on her experience as a Joss Whedon extra), but the rest of them failed and I guess we’ll start seeing the effects in a few episodes, when the eggs start to hatch.

The best part of the beginning of the season is that Jay and Nigel and any other coach they bring in, they all get so obviously FED UP with the level of incompetence. In the first cycles, they were all patience and encouragement. Now, 12 cycles later, you can tell Jay just can’t believe some of the crap they’re letting in the door. And Nigel is regretting his decision to tie his entire career in fashion photography to this reality show. But he has kids. So we understand. We forgive you Nigel.

Puerto Rican Mami got sent home, because she took the worst picture I’ve ever seen in Top Model history. Turns out she’s a werewolf, and turns out whenever werewolves take pictures, their true nature comes out. So Tyra had to let her go, cause really, she was danger to the other non-werewolf girls. And she was all like “whatever, I’m way prettier than the rest of these girls here” and I sighed, reflecting on what it must be like to be her in thirty years. Creased with plastic surgery, clinging to an image of her as 18, replaying her two ANTM episodes on the wall of her bedroom while having sex with her super tan, golf playing, adulterating husband. Totes Jealous.

Then I watched Make Me a Super Model and the models got dressed up as candy, and talked about sleeping with each other, and made comments about not getting candy in their secret places, and one judge called the obnoxious model a “tasteless Kate Moss” and super androgynous boy got sent home, and it was great.